Voiceless Whispers
by bioticsandheadshots
Summary: Lieutenant Commander Raina Shepard has never been good at letting people get close. She's in the Alliance to do her job, not make friends. But when she meets a handsome lieutenant, she finds herself in unfamiliar territory. Something in the way he looks at her rattles her carefully constructed walls. Updates every Tuesday.
1. Chapter 1

Raina Shepard stood alongside the M35 Mako on the storage level of the Normandy, hands resting easily on her hips as she took in her new home for the foreseeable future. She had sneaked aboard earlier, before the rest of the crew had arrived at the report time of oh-six hundred hours. The Normandy had been well guarded but Shepard hadn't become an N7 or an infiltrator by chance. It had taken careful concentration and precise timing but she had managed to slip aboard unnoticed. She had wanted a chance to look over the ship before it was bustling with crew who likely would stop in their tracks to stare at her when she walked by.

Shepard was no stranger to the effects her presence had on people she met for the first time. Usually it was awe followed closely by pity or careful observation. She had had enough of both after being forced into therapy to talk about her feelings and any lingering guilt or doubt she'd had after being the only survivor of the thresher maw attack that had wiped out her entire unit. It had been nearly six years since Akuze but people still treated her like a fragile porcelain teacup, ready to shatter at the first mention of it. She hated when people walked on eggshells around her. She'd spent weeks trying to convince the brass that she was fit to return to duty. It was the only right thing to do. She had been determined not to let all those Marines deaths give her license to sit around and feel sorry for herself. She wouldn't waste her second chance.

Finally, not only had she been cleared for duty, she had been offered entry in the Interplanetary Combatives Training program. She'd performed admirably and had been awarded the N1 rank, the only candidate in that cycle to qualify. When she'd been invited back to complete the subsequent levels of training, she hadn't even hesitated. She'd relished the intensive program. The exhilaration she felt in combat made her feel alive. She'd yearned for anything that could make her a better marine, anything that would prepare her for another Akuze. If any of this training would help her save just one soldier under her command in the future, it was worth the mental and physical pain and exhaustion. The day she had received her N7 designation was the proudest moment of her life.

"Commander," a voice appeared at her side. To her credit, she didn't jump. She had heard the quiet whirring of the elevator as it had made its descent to the hangar bay. She wouldn't be much of a soldier if he'd slipped up on her without her notice.

"Captain," the corner of her mouth quirked a fraction of a inch. It seemed she hadn't made it onto the ship quite as undetected as she had first thought.

"Did you really think you could slip past me?"

"I'd had hopes, sir."

It had come as a surprise to her when her commanding officer had handed her permanent change of station orders. She was to report to the Arcturus Station immediately under the command of Captain Anderson. Anderson had been one of the first N7 graduates and was still held in high regard by the instructors of the program. He had gone on to make a distinctive name for himself in the First Contact War. She wasn't sure why he had personally requested her to be his executive officer. She suspected she'd made an impression on the right people at ICT. Whatever the reason, she would make sure that he wouldn't regret it.

"What do you think of the ship," Captain Anderson asked.

"There's nothing else like it," she mused, impressed by the thousands of hours and billions of credits that it must have taken to build the one of a kind frigate.

"SSV Normandy, prepare for boarding," the ship's automated system rang through the lower deck. Any minute now, people would start arriving.

"C'mon. It's time I introduce you to the crew." Anderson led the way back to the Combat Information Center.

* * *

"Hey guys, you'll never guess what I just heard" a young marine by the name of Jenkins skidded to a halt beside his shipmates, face flushed with excitement. A group of Alliance personnel were gathering outside the Normandy's loading dock at Arcturus Station, waiting for the all clear to board. They had been expected to report in at oh six hundred hours and had spent the last forty five minutes sitting around. Most of the crew had spent the time getting to know each other. Some of them had worked together before, like Doctor Chakwas and Navigator Pressly but most had been summoned individually from all corners of Alliance space for the Normandy's shakedown cruise.

Staff Lieutenant Alenko had worked briefly with Corporal Jenkins once before. Jenkins was new to Alliance military, practically fresh out of training. He had a contagious enthusiasm about everything, even rations. There was no telling what had excited him this time.

"Did you hear who Anderson recruited as his XO?" Before either of them could respond, Jenkins barreled ahead with the information. "The one and only Commander Shepard! Can you believe we'll actually be on a ship with her? If she's on board, we're sure to see some real action!"

"Who?" Jeff Moreau, also known as Joker and the pilot for the Normandy, baited the young corporal.

"Commander Shepard, she's the—" Jenkins was practically wiggling in his excitement.

"I know who she is," Joker cut him off with a wave of his hand and roll of his eyes. "You'd have to be an idiot not to. I'm more interested in getting on this ship and really seeing what she can do."

"I thought you already knew what she could do? Didn't you say you hijacked her from under the noses of all the officials on her first test run," Kaidan reminded him. Joker had spent the first fifteen minutes on dock regaling them with the story of how he had landed the most coveted pilot position in the Alliance.

"Uh, yeah," Joker jeered at him. "But what I could do then and what I can get her to do out in open space are light years apart. Not that I'd expect you to understand." It was Kaidan's turn to roll his eyes. "Jenkins, where'd you hear that?"

"I was checking in at the dock and one of the guys doing logs mentioned that the commander hadn't checked in yet. I think they were betting on how late she would be. Can you believe our luck, Lieutenant. Getting to work with Commander Shepard," Jenkins grinned at Kaidan. "If she's even half as good as everyone says she is…" he let the statement hang in the air.

"SSV Normandy, prepare for boarding," an automated voice rang out through the loading bay. Kaidan was spared having to answer as the crew gathered their bags and shuffled into line at the airlock. Jenkins scurried past them, eager to spread the news among the rest of the crew.

Kaidan knew exactly who Commander Shepard was. A few years younger than he was, she was a highly skilled operative and a graduate of the ICT program. She had achieved the highest level of proficiency, making her one of the very few N7 operatives in all of the Alliance military. At just 23, she had survived a devastating attack on the human colony of Akuze. Kaidan had admired her when news reports had woven the tale of the heroic sole survivor of Akuze. The details were incomplete since the incident was still classified but she had been the only marine to survive, out of a unit of fifty. It was hard to imagine the kind of person it took to survive a blow like that and keep going. He imagined she'd had her pick of duty assignments since then and wondered what a solider like that would want with a simple shakedown run like this. Maybe it was her idea of R&R.

Still, it would be an honor to work with her, even on a simple mission like this one. The two of them had served in the Alliance approximately the same amount of time but their experiences had been vastly different. As a sentinel, Kaidan was suited for defense and support. His battle strengths came in the form of protecting his squad mates and administering medical attention when the need arose. Shepard's official designation was an infiltrator. She specialized in getting in and out of situations with deadly efficiency, able to quickly assess a combat situation for the most advantageous position and turn the odds in her favor with one shot kills from her sniper rifle. When they did their jobs exceedingly well, infiltrators rarely had need for sentinels. Kaidan imagined he could learn a lot from her.

As the crew passed in groups of twos and threes through the decontamination airlock, they quickly made their way to the crew quarters to stow the few personal possessions they'd been permitted to bring in their lockers before gathering back in the CIC.

"Where do you think she is? Have you seen her," Jenkins appeared once again at Kaidan's side, eyes darting around the crowd, searching for his target.

"I'm sure she's here somewhere. Joker, get up here," Kaidan called up to the cockpit where their pilot was already seated, making full evaluations of the controls in front of him.

"C'mon man, we just got on board. I gotta check on my baby," Joker's whine floated down the bridge. Despite his protests, he clanged down the gangway unevenly, using the backs of the chairs for balance.

Just as Joker reached the main deck, Captain Anderson stepped into the room, followed by a lithe woman wearing form fitting Alliance issue armor with an N7 insignia on her right breast. _So this is the famous Commander Shepard_ , Kaidan thought to himself as he looked her over. Her eyes carefully scanned the entire room, falling on each crew member individually for a split second. When her green eyes met his, she paused for a moment. She narrowed her eyes, silently daring him to continue their staring contest. Kaidan felt physically incapable of looking away. He gulped, trying to drag his gaze from hers. Her mouth twitched almost imperceptibly and then her gaze slid to Jenkins and onward.

Anderson's voice carried through the room. "Crew, I'd like you to meet Lieutenant Commander Shepard, our XO for this mission. We'll be coming around so I can introduce all of you personally as I show the Commander our ship. In the meantime, please take your stations and begin pre-flight checks in preparation for take-off."

Kaidan followed Joker back up to the cockpit. He'd been tasked with filling the role of co-pilot for the initial flight. Kaidan suspected he was playing babysitter, likely to make sure Joker didn't try to make any unauthorized modifications to the system. He settled into the hard plastic seat to Joker's right and silently watched as the pilot methodically started down the checklist.

Rhythmic clanging on the metal grating behind them announced the new arrivals to the cockpit. Both men swirled their chairs around to meet their superiors. Kaidan rose, hand to his forehead in salute but Joker stayed seated.

"Commander Shepard, this is our pilot, Flight Lieutenant Moreau and Staff Lieutenant Alenko," Anderson gestured to each man in turn. "Lieutenant Alenko is our field medic and will assist in coordinating any groundside missions."

Commander Shepard reached forward, shaking each of their hands. Her grip was firm and dry and Kaidan felt a small callous on what was surely her trigger finger. He wondered if she noticed the brief crackle of static between them from his built up energy. If she did, she didn't flinch, unlike most people's natural reaction to biotics. Up close, he could see that her kohl lined green eyes were flecked with gold. A scar marred her right eyebrow, just missing her eye and then continuing its horizontal path down her left cheek. Her pale complexion was dotted with freckles that she hadn't tried to hide. Other than the dark liner, her face was free of makeup. Her dark hair was cut bluntly at her sharp jawline and tucked out of the way behind her ears.

"It's a pleasure to meet both of you." Her voice slid through him, a slow burn like a finely aged whiskey. It was, in a way, simultaneously soothing and jolting.

He cleared his throat. "Likewise ma'am."

* * *

Captain Anderson abruptly turned, leading her back towards the central hub of the ship to continue the introductory rounds. She pondered the two men she'd just met. The flight lieutenant hadn't taken his eyes off the controls and had barely spared his palm for her handshake. The staff lieutenant though; he…surprised her. She recalled the direct way he had met her gaze during the briefing. Shepard was used to being stared at like some kind of exhibit. Most people she met only stared openly until they were caught and, when she engaged them in their own game, shamefully cast their eyes away. Shepard could stare down just about anyone and had waited, victorious smirk barely contained. Instead, Lieutenant Alenko had held her gaze until she'd broken contact.

"Last we have Spectre Nihlus Kryik," Anderson led her to the comm room. A tall, dusky toned turian with elaborate face markings and verdant eyes towered over her. "I have some briefings to manage. Shepard, run the Marines through some drills. I want everyone kept in top shape aboard my ship." He ducked through the door and it whooshed closed behind him.

She waited for Nihlus to say something but he only stood there, watching her curiously as if he were waiting to see what she would do. As she bit back a smart ass reply, the ship hummed beneath her feet. At some point during the introductions, they'd disengaged from the docking clamps and begun the trip to Eden Prime. The pilot must be as good as she'd heard him claim. She hadn't even felt the shift as they'd left the port. Even with FTL engaged, it would take time for the ship to reach the relay. In the meantime, the crew had work to do.

Shepard descended to the cargo bay with the other marines aboard, Nihlus trailing behind them. Though they were staffed with a full crew, many were ship technicians and engineers, not soldiers. Only eight followed her into the belly of the ship. She split them into teams to run hand to hand sparring drills.

It had taken Shepard a long time to get used to Alliance ships and the tightness of the quarters. She'd felt almost claustrophobic at first, locked in space with no way to escape should things go to hell. During her first space cruise, she'd avoided the sleeping pods and slept curled onto the floor in whatever out of the way place she could find. The first time she'd climbed into one of the tiny pods, she had felt her heart start to race as the lock engaged, sealing her inside. Her commanding officer had discovered her sleeping in the corner of the mess one night and given her a serious dressing down. He had ordered her to see the ship's doctor for her issues. She'd managed to convince them both she was only tired from training and had fallen asleep by accident. Her actions weren't acceptable but she knew it was the lesser of two evils. She couldn't afford to be discharged for being mentally unfit to serve. After that, she'd forced herself to learn to live with the space she was given, tiny or not.

A speeding force shot through her periphery. She dropped just in time to duck under the armored forearm.

"What the hell, Kryik," she crossed her arms over her chest and glared at the turian.

He stood perfectly still as he watched her, head tilted slightly to the side. Lightning quick, he jabbed forward again. She jumped back, narrowly missing a blow to the abdomen. Now he was just pissing her off. She waited, anticipating that he wasn't done yet. Sure enough, he lunged forward, his left fist arcing towards her kidneys. Instead of losing more ground, Shepard closed the distance between them and hooked her leg behind his and shoved against his domed chest. Nihlus stumbled back but managed to right his center of balance just short of crashing to the floor.

"Turians have superior reach, Shepard. It'll be no time before I put you on your squishy ass," Nihlus bared his teeth and adjusted his position.

"You can try," a feral grin spread across her face. She rolled her shoulders as she circled him, waiting for him to make his next move. His eyes flicked to the floor for just a moment and then his foot circled around, trying to sweep her from her feet. While he righted himself, she barreled forward, grappling with his shoulders while she tried to use her compact shape to force him to the ground. His arms swept up breaking her grip on him and she backed up quickly before he could secure her in a hold. They circled each other some more. This time, she made the first move, feinting with a right hook and then landing a left punch in his side. His elbow connected forcefully with her chin, knocking her head back. She tasted the metallic tang of blood in her mouth. Shepard twisted, lashing out with a kick that would have knocked a normal man back ten steps but Nihlus caught her heel and spun. She twisted in the air as she crashed towards the floor. As she landed hard on one knee she snapped her head up to see the turian lunging forward to pin her to the floor. She rolled forward under his outstretched arms and sprang up behind him. A well placed roundhouse to the center of his back sent Nihlus toppling forward. He landed chest down on the metal grating. She was on him in an instant, pinning his arm behind his back.

"No dice but I'll give you style points for the landing," she grinned at him. He shrugged her off, assessing her face once more, and strode to the lift without another word.

"Wow Commander! That was impressive," Jenkins clapped his hands together like an excited child. During their sparring match, Shepard hadn't even noticed that the rest of the marines had fallen to the edges of the room to watch her take on Nihlus. Thank God she hadn't lost. That would have been embarrassing.

"Back to work," she shouted and wiped a hand across her mouth, a small smear of blood staining her skin.

"They're a good crew sir," she reported to Anderson later that evening, after she had spent the last twelve hours running the marines through drills and training sims. She'd dismissed them for showers and rations and met Anderson in the comm room.

"They are," he acknowledged. "Make sure you get some rations and sleep yourself Commander. We should be approaching Eden Prime in the morning and I want you ready for action."

"Captain, I've got a call from Hackett. Patching him through," Joker announced. Shepard dismissed herself so Anderson could take the call in private.


	2. Chapter 2

Shepard woke early the next morning. All the other pods were dark, the dimming privacy screens still enabled, so it was safe to assume that the rest of the day crew were still bunked down. She rummaged through her bag and grabbed her toiletry kit before heading to the showers. She lingered under the scalding water for only a minute before hurrying through the rest of her shower routine. On ships, water was rationed along with the food. Each soldier was allotted a daily five minute shower. Any longer than that and the water was cut off, leaving you sudsy if you hadn't been quick enough.

After donning her armor, she rounded the corner of the bathroom and collided with a solid force.

"Excuse me ma'am, I'm sorry ma'am," Lieutenant Alenko stuttered as he stared down at her with bleary eyes. He had Alliance issue sweat pants slung low across his hips, his plain tshirt rising a fraction as he saluted her, leaving a quarter inch of taut skin visible between the fabrics.

"No worries, Lieutenant," she smiled at him, returning his salute while trying to keep her eyes upward. "Enjoy your shower." His eyes froze a second and then he nodded, slipping past her into the bathroom.

She entered the mess and grabbed a steaming cup of black coffee. _Enjoy your shower_ , she groaned inwardly. That was too easy to construe as a subtle come on. _Shit_.

Ten minutes later, Alenko slid into the chair across the table from her. He'd dressed in his ship casuals: Alliance utility pants and belt with a navy blue shirt. She ignored the way the rolled sleeves of the shirt hugged his biceps. Instead, she focused on his creased brow. Something was bothering him. She hoped it wasn't what she'd said earlier. The last thing she needed was some lieutenant reading too much into what she said.

"That doesn't smell like coffee," she nodded towards the mug his fingers gripped tightly, trying to ease him into a conversation.

"No ma'am. I tend to avoid caffeine and I think the rest of the crew would be pretty upset if I switched the pot to decaf," he grinned at her.

"An Alliance soldier who doesn't survive on caffeine? That's new. Next you're going to tell me you don't eat meat and that you're celibate." She watched as his dark eyes widened. _What is wrong with you? First the shower comment, now this? You act like you've never talked to a man before. He is your subordinate. Stop it!_ "Uh, not that it's any of my business, of course."

"Not eat meat? That's blasphemous," his eyes twinkled as he teased her. He glanced at her cup. "Do you need a refill?"

She hadn't noticed it was empty. "I should go. See you later Alenko."

* * *

Kaidan clenched his eyes shut against the shooting pain in his forehead as the commander disappeared silently around the corner. He'd need to see Doctor Chakwas before the day was over. He took a sip of the herbal tea and thought back to his conversation with Shepard. _What was that about?_ He wondered if she'd been flirting with him. Not likely. A soldier like Shepard didn't jeopardize their career by having affairs with subordinates. It seemed just as unlikely that a battle hardened warrior was nervous talking to her crew though so he was left puzzled.

"Where'd the commander go," Jenkins propped himself against the table. "Did you get a chance to talk to her? What's she like?"

"She drinks coffee like normal humans," Kaidan reported.

The table filled around him as the rest of the day crew arrived to grab morning rations before switching over with the night staff. As the voices rose, each competing over each other to be heard, Kaidan excused himself and slipped into the medbay.

"Are you alright, Lieutenant Alenko," the doctor's accent greeted him from the desk.

"Just needed somewhere quiet to rest for a minute," he assured her.

She nodded and waved him to one of the cots. "Captain Anderson briefed me on your unique situation. Whenever you have any complications at all with your implant, you're to come to me immediately." She crossed the room to examine him. The bright flare of her penlight stabbed through him as she surveyed his pupillary response. "I take it that you're experiencing a migraine?"

"Only the start of one," he assured her. She pursed her lips but said nothing before she flipped off the overhead lights. Kaidan closed his eyes in the dark and let the raucous laughter of the rest of the crew fade to an imperceptible hum. Dr. Chakwas' faint steps echoed through the room as she crossed back to her desk and clicked on a small lamp so she could continue working.

With his eyes shut, Kaidan's mind drifted to the sparring Shepard and Nihlus had engaged in the day before. Her movements had been calculated elegance and lethal grace. Still, he'd been surprised when she'd managed to best the turian Spectre. He stood almost a foot taller and had a marked advantage with both his reach and talons, besides being a Spectre to boot. Kaidan reminded himself that Commander Shepard was not a woman to underestimate.

He recalled the way her armor fit as she'd spun around the cargo bay. Armor was designed with maximum efficiency in mind, N7 armor even more so. That same armor also did wonders at highlighting the shape of the human body. The lines of her N7 armor accentuated the flare of her hips and dip of her waist. It hugged her in exactly all the right places, molding to the curves of her body like a second skin. He sucked in his breath as his pants began to tighten. He was horrified to realize what he'd thinking about.

"Lieutenant," Dr. Chakwas looked up with concern from her datapad.

 _Yep, enough of that_. Kaidan pushed himself up, the shooting pain erasing any lingering evidence of the start of his erection. "I'm fine. I'll come back if I need anything." He'd rather deal with the migraine.

* * *

Shepard spent the next hour stripping her guns and cleaning all the moving parts at the armory bench in the cargo bay. It gave her something to do with her hands as she waited for the duty switch when she could begin her day with the crew. After she had meticulously pieced everything back together, she called for the elevator to make her way back up the CIC. As the door slid down with a hydraulic whoosh, she was greeted with the sound of laughter. It sounded like most of the crew was still in the mess. Shepard peered around the wall and saw a group of them sitting at the table, coffee mugs dotting the surface. She ducked back around hoping none of them had seen her.

Shepard always took the opportunity to observe the people around her but the Normandy didn't have many places that she could watch from without interference. She'd be able to hear someone coming down the stairs making this as good a chance as any to get a sense of where the crew was at.

"C'mon! Show us what you can do," a voice egged on someone. After what must have been a refusal, the voice added, "Please! I've never worked with one before."

"Not once," someone else asked. She couldn't see him but she recognized the husky timbre of Lieutenant Alenko's voice. "Okay, but I'll go easy on you."

A blue glow pulsed through the amber of the system lights. Shepard heard a squeal and felt a crackle in the air. Understanding washed over her as she connected the sizzle from their handshake to the light show around the corner. Kaidan Alenko was a biotic.

"Shit," Kaidan cursed at the same time something large cracked into the table.

"Corporal Jenkins, are you alright," Dr. Chakwas concerned accent rang out. "Alenko, we need to get him to the medical bay, right now."

A groan was followed by Jenkins shouting, "That was awesome," to which the rest of the crowd broke into laughs.

After a minute, Shepard heard the unmistakable flutter of cards being shuffled. She was just about to head around the corner for more coffee when she heard a new voice ask, "So, what does everyone think about Commander Shepard?" She stilled. If she came into view now, they'd probably all scatter assuming she'd heard them talking about her. Getting a sense of the crew's dynamics and eavesdropping were two totally different things. She began inching her way towards the staircase, hoping that no one had a line of sight on the stairwells.

"She's so cool. I can't wait to get out there with her," Jenkins voice rang out. Shepard smiled. She wondered if she had ever been so excitable. Probably not. She hadn't joined the Alliance out of a sense of duty or honor. She'd been cynical before she'd even reached her teen years. Living on the streets tended to do that to you. No, Raina Shepard had joined the Alliance to escape the Tenth Street Reds.

She didn't remember ever having a family. She knew she had to have come from somewhere but she had no memories of parents or relatives of any kind. She'd been homeless, sneaking in and out of any place she could find shelter, stealing only the food she needed to survive, running in the morning before she was found sleeping in the corner of whatever building had offered shelter the night before. She'd learned quickly how to read people; how to know when they were lying, how to watch for tells if someone was about to throw a punch. She was hungry all the time and she trusted no one. It wasn't the life for a little girl but it was the only life she'd been given.

One day when she was ten, she got sloppy. It had been days since she'd managed to get enough food to take the gnawing pain from her belly. She'd seen older kids able to lift wallets and Raina almost salivated at what foods she would be able to afford with credits. Taking wallets couldn't be hard, right? She'd followed a couple through a store, waiting for an opportunity. She realized a moment too late that she hadn't been nearly as sneaky as she had hoped. As she reached for the man's wallet, his hand had clamped down on her wrist. She'd shrieked so loud she had startled him into letting go and she had taken off running through the store. Her terror over her near capture resulted in two days of self-enforced isolation in the basement of a burned out apartment block, afraid to move and get caught by the police.

On the third day, she'd been so hungry that she knew she needed to find something, anything at that point, to eat. She'd crawled from her hole and went in search of an easy target. A house nearby was dark, no cars in the drive or any sign of life through the windows. She'd crept around back and listened for noise inside. She waited an hour and, when the time had passed and she'd still heard nothing, pried open a window, praying there wasn't an alarm system. No sirens blared so she had beelined for the kitchen. A hand tangled in the rat's nest of hair she had and yanked her off her feet. Her eyes had darted, looking for an escape route. She turned on the waterworks, pretending to sob into her hands. Combined with her rail thin child's build, her assailant loosened their grip just as she had anticipated. She'd lashed out, kicking their shin and landing a punch to their scrotum and tore to the door. She'd wrenched it open only to find a leering teenage boy standing between her and freedom. With a smirk on his face and a blade in his hand, he'd offered her a choice. It was simple enough: gang or death.

It started out small. Delivering messages back and forth between safe houses. Playing the role of lookout because she was small enough that most people wouldn't even notice her. The older she got, the more she learned. They taught her how to lift wallets without getting caught. She learned what goods sold best and where to take them to get the best price. She discovered when to press for the advantage and when to cut her losses and run. She learned which bones to break first to get a man to talk. And when she'd begun developing a woman's body, she'd learned how to use it to distract and entice without the need for a weapon.

She paid for her lessons in blood and ounces of flesh. But never tears.

It was better than being hungry.

Raina had watched as other children came and went. She'd watched from the shadows as kids were hauled off to jail. That was the kinder of the many futures she faced. She'd seen kids left in the street to bleed out from stab wounds or gunshots, all so the others could save their own hide. There was no honor among these thieves. She'd watched many of them become addicted to the drugs they'd been tasked to peddle on the streets. They'd withered away, only caring where their next supply came from, until the gang got rid of them or abandoned them. At thirteen, Raina Shepard had a better understanding of mortality than she had any right to. She knew how dirty and depraved life could be.

It was better than wondering where to find the next shelter to wait out the storm.

At fifteen, only her skill with a blade saved her from being raped. Marcus, the gang leader, had pinned her down. She'd stabbed her knife into his kidney. His body had been left in an alley and, only a mere four hours later, a new leader took his place, crowned in the blood of the other contenders. That one knew better than to try to lay claim to her. Raina kept everyone at a distance. To show emotion was to show weakness. Show weakness and you show your enemies how to kill you. She slept with one eye open and always knew at least two ways in and out of anywhere she went. It wasn't much of a life, having no one to depend on except herself.

But it was better than having no life at all.

Raina was sixteen when she was witness to her first gang initiation rite. It turned out, she hadn't known just how ugly life could be. Not before that. She'd been forced to witness as another kid endured a brutal beating at the hands of the gang's inner circle. When the beating had ended, he'd been unconscious, no part of his bare skin unstained with blood. "If he lives, he gets to do phase two," one of the guys had laughed as they left him in a bloody heap on the floor. They'd dropped his body in a dumpster the next day. Phase two, she would later learn, was just as bad. Her knife wouldn't save her then. The final phase was different for everyone. It was designed to test the limits of your loyalty, how far you would really go for the Reds. As though being beaten bloody and abused didn't prove it enough. The last initiate had been tasked with killing a police officer who had busted one of their operations, along with the officer's entire family. On completion, he'd received his gang tattoo and cuts of all the spoils.

A few days before her eighteenth birthday, they'd given her the final choice. Gang or death. She chose neither and ran. She'd been with the Reds for seven years. She knew how they operated, knew where they hid. But she had a price on her head now. If they found her, they would make an example of her. She would become the final phase for someone else.

On her eighteenth birthday, she'd enlisted in the Alliance.

It was better than the alternative.

* * *

"We're a few minutes out from the relay," Joker's voice echoed through the comm system. Kaidan slipped the deck of cards into one of his pockets and pushed back from the table. Everyone dispersed, heading to their stations to begin final preparation for the jump. Kaidan made his way back to the cockpit and lowered himself back in the co-pilot's seat. The distraction of the camaraderie below had been short lived but, between that and his migraine, he had at least gotten the improper thoughts from his head.

Kaidan hoped Jenkins was alright. It had felt nice to have someone be interested in, rather than wary of, his biotic abilities so when Jenkins had asked, Kaidan had grinned and extended a hand to lift the corporal to the ceiling. Jenkins had bounced in excitement when he'd realized Kaidan was going to comply. Slight fluctuations in movement and air pressure could send lifted targets floating off into space. Jenkins had gone careening towards the wall so Kaidan had released him, hoping to minimize the damage of an impact against steel but the corporal had still crashed into the table. _Should have used stasis_. Luckily for them both, Jenkins was unharmed.

"Arcturus Prime relay is in range, initiating transmission sequence." Joker narrated their approach to the relay. Kaidan heard steps behind him and glanced over his shoulder to see Commander Shepard making her way up the bridge. To his surprise, Nihlus was also there. For such a large turian, he sure did move quietly.

"Thrusters check, navigation check, internal emissions sync engaged, all systems online. Drift, just under fifteen hundred k," Joker announced as they completed the jump into the Exodus Cluster.

"Fifteen hundred is good. Your captain will be pleased," Nihlus announced before turning and marching back into the ship silently. Shepard apparently hadn't been the only one interested in witnessing the jump from the 'driver's' seat.

"I hate that guy," Joker scoffed upon Nihlus' exit.

"Nihlus gave you a compliment, so, you hate him?" Kaidan tried to work out the logic.

"You remember to zip up your jumpsuit on the way out of the bathroom, that's good. I just jumped us halfway across the galaxy and hit a target the size of a pinhead, so that's incredible," Joker explained. "Besides, Spectres are trouble. I don't like having them on board. Call me paranoid."

"You're paranoid," Kaidan affirmed. "The Council helped fund this project, they have a right to send someone to keep an eye on their investment."

"Yeah, that is the official story. Only an idiot believes the official story." Kaidan glanced at Joker, silently agreeing with him, despite his previous statement. A Spectre, one of the most decorated captains in the Alliance, and an N7 infiltrator all on board? It was highly suspicious but Kaidan trusted that he would be debriefed if he needed to be debriefed.

"That's enough. You're soldiers, act like it," Commander Shepard's admonished both of them.

"Sorry Commander," Kaidan apologized, avoiding her gaze.

Captain Anderson's voice rang out on the cockpit comm channel. "Joker, status report."

"Just cleared the mass relay, Captain. Stealth systems engaged, everything looks solid."

"Good. Find a comm buoy and link us into the network. I want mission reports relayed back to Alliance brass before we reach Eden Prime." Kaidan frowned. This must be one hell of a shakedown run if the captain wanted to keep a line open. He shook his head. It wasn't his place to question it.

"Aye, aye, Captain. Better brace yourself, sir," Joker warned. "I think Nihlus is headed your way."

Anderson voice was tense with controlled ire. "He's already here Lieutenant. Tell Commander Shepard to meet me in the comm room for a debriefing."

"You get that, Commander," Joker glanced over his shoulder.

"Great. You pissed the captain off and now I'm going to pay for it," she scolded him.

"Don't blame me. The captain's always in a bad mood."

"Only when he's talking to you, Joker," Kaidan reminded him as Commander Shepard strode from the cockpit. Kaidan tried to ignore the swish of her hips as she made her way back down the bridge.

"She's hot, right," Joker spun his chair around and watched as the commander stopped to talk to Pressly.

"She's your superior. Not going to happen." He knew the reminder was more for himself than the pilot at his side.

"Eh, who am I kidding," Joker turned back to the controls. "This is the only woman for me."

"Good thing. Shepard's N7. She'd break you in half for even thinking about it."

Joker glanced down at his legs and smirked. "Probably more pieces than that but it'd be worth it, don't you think?"


	3. Chapter 3

Shepard made her way to the comm room for the captain's requested debrief. As she entered the central chamber, she overheard the navigator having a heated discussion with someone over the comm system. Before joining the Alliance, she would have slipped past him and kept out of business that didn't pertain to her. Back on Earth, sticking your nose where it didn't belong was just looking for trouble. Now though; this business _did_ pertain to her. She was the XO of this ship and, if there were issues, she needed to know about them.

"Congratulations Commander," Pressly saluted her as she stopped directly in front of him. "Looks like we had a smooth run. You heading down to see the captain?"

"Sounds like you don't trust our turian guest," she cut straight to the chase.

"Sorry Commander. Just having a chat with Adams down in engineering. Didn't mean to cause any trouble." She raised an eyebrow but stayed silent. He looked at her for a minute and, as she'd guessed he might, forged ahead with an explanation. "But, you have to admit, something's odd about this mission. The whole crew feels it."

"You think the Alliance brass is holding out on us?"

"If all we're supposed to do is test out the stealth system, why is Captain Anderson in charge?" Pressly's eyebrows knit together, a deep furrow forming between them, as his hands came up with a shrug. "And then there's Nihlus. Spectres are elite operatives, top covert agents. Why send a Spectre, a turian Spectre, on a shakedown run? It doesn't add up."

She hid her surprise behind a blank mask as Pressly openly voiced his suspicions. Criticisms of the Alliance weren't unheard of, nor were they exactly punishable, but they were frowned upon. Most military personnel weren't so open about expressing those criticisms, especially within earshot of a commanding officer.

To be honest, she'd wondered the same thing. Captain Anderson was far too decorated an officer to be overseeing a commonplace shakedown. Alenko had given a reasonable explanation for Nihlus' presence but a Spectre, rather than a diplomat? Even with her limited knowledge of Spectres, that staffing assignment seemed heavy handed to her.

"You don't trust Nihlus?"

"I don't like turians in general," Pressly acknowledged, without even a hint of embarrassment regarding his xenophobic comment.

She listened as he explained his thoughts on both turians and Spectres, neither of which he had any love for. Maybe his unease was more due to having an alien outside of Alliance jurisdiction aboard the ship. She allowed herself to consider it for a moment but then dismissed it. Pressly may not be the most welcoming of their passenger but Shepard had similar suspicions. There was more going than she'd initially been led to believe.

"Info's on a need to know basis, Pressly," she reminded him sternly. She didn't need him getting the whole crew worked up over rumors. "Just follow the orders you're given."

Pressly saluted and then turned back to his console. She only made it a few more feet towards the comm room when someone else called for her attention.

"What do you think Commander?" The young corporal named Jenkins saluted as she approached him and the ship's doctor. "We won't be staying on Eden Prime too long, will we? I'm itchin' for some real action!"

She resisted the urge to smile as she was once again reminded of his eager attitude. Not for the first time, she wondered if he had ever been on a patrol outside of a simulation. She prayed he wasn't one of those kids that grew up on recreational sims and later joined the military with the idea that it would be cinematic explosions set to a blood pumping soundtrack. She'd met Alliance like that. Most didn't stay in, if they survived, once they learned that real action was a terrifying blink between life and death.

Doctor Chakwas looked troubled. "I sincerely hope you're kidding Corporal," she chided. "'Real action' usually ends with me patching up crew members in the infirmary. Need I remind you of yesterday? And that was aboard the ship!"

"Comes with the territory doctor," Shepard shrugged. "Marines are meant to fight."

"I know how things work, Commander." Dr. Chakwas did a poor job of hiding her irritation. "But it's foolish to go looking for trouble."

"Sorry Doc," Jenkins shrugged. "But this waiting's killing me!"

"Do your job, follow my orders, and we won't have any problems," Shepard advised him. "Did I overhear you say that you're from Eden Prime? What's it like?"

"It's very peaceful Commander. They've been real careful about development so there's no city noise or pollution. It's gorgeous. But when I got older, I realized it was a little too calm and quiet for me. That's why I joined the Alliance. Even paradise gets boring after awhile."

"Any idea why Eden Prime was chosen as our destination?"

"Good place to take the Normandy for her shakedown run, I guess. No real danger there. But there's got to be something else going on. We've got a Spectre on board!"

Shepard reined in an eye roll. Apparently Pressly wasn't the only one worked up about Nihlus being on board. Whereas the navigator was all mistrust and paranoia, Jenkins was barely contained, frenzied excitement as he hoped the Spectre's appearance was an omen of action to come.

"What do you know about the Spectres?" she asked. The doctor filled her in on the details about Spectres in general and Nihlus. As expected, Nihlus was a bit of an enigma to the rest of the crew. Other than their sparring match the previous day, he had engaged with no one else aboard the Normandy other than Captain Anderson. Spectres, too, were somewhat of a mystery to humanity. There weren't many details about them outside of what everyone already knew: elite operatives, little to no chain of command, unlimited power unrestricted by the constraints of the law. It sounded dangerous to her. Power left unchecked often had a habit of getting out of control.

"Hey Commander," Jenkins grinned. "You'd make a good Spectre! They're always getting dropped into impossible situations. Forced to survive unbeatable odds. Just like you on Akuze! Everybody knows what you can do."

Shepard froze. Akuze wasn't a testament of what she could do. It was a reminder that sometimes you got lucky, nothing more. The media never even tried to get it right. They'd wanted a story that captured millions of viewers so they'd made her out to be a hero.

"Fifty marines died there Jenkins," she kept her voice as even as possible, shoving down the desire to punch the kid. Even if she'd actually done something more heroic than just surviving, the deaths of the rest of her unit were nothing to celebrate.

Jenkins paled and took a step back, stuttering out an apology. Dr. Chakwas attempted to smooth over the conversation all the while watching Shepard with a clinical eye. Shepard would have to make sure to watch her words around the doctor. It was likely Chakwas had psych training in addition to her other medical knowledge. The last thing she needed was an ongoing analysis. Shepard hated shrinks.

"The captain's waiting for me," she excused herself, feeling their eyes on her back as she ducked around the corner. She allowed herself a moment to suck in a calming breath, pushing memories of Akuze back to the darkest corners of her mind.

When she entered the comm room, it was dark. A solitary figure loomed before a vid display of a lush garden world, Eden Prime, she presumed. Despite the low lighting, she could make out the narrow waist and fringe of the turian. _Where the hell is Anderson?_

"Commander Shepard," Nihlus turned as she approached the center of the room. "I was hoping you'd get here first. It will give us a chance to talk."

"If I recall correctly, we've had plenty of opportunities to talk. You've passed on them all."

He flicked his mandibles at her and set about pacing the room, eyes always on the vid screen. "I'm interested in this world we're going to, Eden Prime. I've heard it's quite beautiful."

"I'm a marine, not some tourist on vacation," she scoffed at him.

"It's more than that," he paused his pacing to square off in front of her. "Eden Prime is a symbol of your people: a perfect little world on the edges of your territory. Proof that humanity can not only establish colonies across the galaxy, but also protect them. But how safe is it really?"

Her eyes narrowed. His dark implication was all too clear, even if she wasn't well versed in turian tones and mannerisms. It was no secret that grudges were still harbored between their races over the First Contact war. Pressly wasn't alone in that. The Council had forged a truce between the turians and the humans but it didn't mean they had to like one another. "Is that a threat, Spectre?"

"Your people are still newcomers Shepard. The galaxy can be a very dangerous place. Is the Alliance truly ready for this?"

Anderson joined them before Shepard had a chance to respond. "I think it's about time we told the Commander what's really going on," the captain looked at Nihlus.

"Would be nice," she muttered, looking back and forth between the two.

"This mission is far more than a simple shakedown run," Nihlus added.

"You don't say," she cocked her head to the side and raised her eyebrow. Anderson proceeded to brief her on the true nature of the true mission: a covert pickup of a Prothean beacon.

"There must be a reason you didn't tell me about this, sir?"

"This is all the way from the top Commander. Information on a strictly need-to-know basis." She nodded. It was the same as she'd told Pressly. "So what's he doing here," she pointed her thumb over her shoulder at Nihlus.

"Obviously this goes beyond mere human interests," Nihlus explained. "This discovery could affect every species in council space but, you're right. The beacon is not the only reason I'm here."

"Nihlus wants to see you in action, Commander. He's here to evaluate you."

"Since when do we answer to the Spectres?" she spat as she folded her arms over her chest and tilted her head back with narrowed eyes. It was no way to address her commanding officer but he couldn't be implying what she thought he was implying. _Could he?_

Anderson shook his head but refrained from reprimanding her for her blatant disrespect. "You're smart enough to know how things work, Commander." Even so, he explained to her what adding a human into the Spectres could do for humanity. Apparently, someone thought she was right for the job.

"Not many could have survived what you went through on Akuze. You showed a remarkable will to live—a particularly useful talent," Nihlus added. _Akuze again_. Was she always going to be the 'Akuze Sole Survivor'? "That's why I put your name forward as a candidate for the Spectres."

Shepard glanced sideways to glare at Nihlus. She didn't know why a turian would want a human as a Spectre but she didn't care. "I don't like people making decisions about _my_ future," she snapped at him. She didn't want this job. The Alliance had given her a chance for a future. She owed that future to the Alliance, and the men and women who had died on Akuze. She owed the Council nothing.

"Damn it Shepard," Anderson sighed. "This isn't about you. Humanity needs this. We're counting on you." His tone made it clear that the discussion was over.

"Sir—"

"Captain, we got a problem," the pilot's voice interrupted her. "Transmission from Eden Prime, sir. You better see this!"

The images of a war zone appeared on the screen. The comm room filled with the sound of heavy gunfire and the terrified screams of the ground forces. Whatever combatants the marines were facing were fast, and heavily armed. The camera mount flitted from casualty to casualty as the marine wearing it watched his unit fall around him. An explosion must have blown him back because, just before the feed cut out, the camera had a clear view of the sky. A huge ship hovered in the air, unlike anything Shepard had ever seen. The end of the ship split into separate metal tentacles, not unlike giant fingers. Red lightning flickered between them as the ship descended over the colony.

"Status report," Anderson barked.

"Seventeen minutes out, Captain. No other Alliance ships in the area," Joker supplied.

"Take us in Joker, fast and quiet." He shared a glance with Nihlus. "This mission just got a lot more complicated."

* * *

Kaidan watched the transmission with horror from his seat in the cockpit. Joker was silent too, other than his brief reports to the captain.

"Take us in Joker, fast and quiet," the captain commanded. Kaidan didn't know what their initial mission had been on Eden Prime but maybe their close proximity would prevent the entire colony from being wiped out.

"Lieutenant!" Jenkins skidded to a halt in the door of the cockpit. "Commander Shepard said to suit up and meet her in the cargo hold. We're going groundside," Jenkins wiggled with excitement. Kaidan felt for the kid. He obviously didn't know what was going on down on the ground yet. He hoped Jenkins would be able to focus when they landed and he found his homeworld under attack.

When they arrived at their lockers, Shepard was waiting for them. Her posture was stiff and he noticed her jaw was tight with worry. Jenkins looked over at her and back to the gear in his locker. Kaidan's mouth twitched with a suppressed smile. There was no room for embarrassment in the Alliance. Everyone saw you naked, or at least in your skivvies, at some point in your career. Jenkins paled and his modesty melted away as Shepard briefed them on the mission parameters.

Anderson and Nihlus joined them in the hold a few minutes later. "Go in heavy and head straight for the dig site," Anderson ordered.

"What about survivors, Captain?" Kaidan asked.

"Helping survivors is a secondary objective, Lieutenant. The beacon is your top priority." Nihlus checked over the assault rifle he carried before jumping through the open hatch. "Nihlus will scout out ahead. He'll feed you status reports throughout the mission; otherwise, I want radio silence."

"Is that really the best idea Captain?" Shepard asked. "How do we know he didn't have something to do with this?"

"Nihlus is on our side," Anderson countered. "He wants you in the Spectres, and he wants that beacon." Kaidan shot a look at Shepard. _A human Spectre?_ The idea that a human was being considered was impressive; human Spectres were unheard of. Once again, he felt fortunate to be getting a chance to work with her.

"Understood. Let's get moving."

Joker put them down on the outskirts of the settlement. Large plumes of smoke dotted the horizon, spiraling upwards through the red haze of the sky. Kaidan had seen vids of Eden Prime before but the sky had never been this color. It had been a beautiful world once. Now it made his skin crawl.

"Anything Lieutenant?" Shepard looked at him. He pulled up his omni-tool to run diagnostics.

"Ship perimeter secure, Commander," he reported when the scans showed no sign of hostiles.

A movement flashed in the corner of his eye. Kaidan pivoted, bringing his gun up. A weird, misshapen blob bobbed lazily in the air, long tendrils dragging the ground. "What the hell are those?" he yelped.

"Gas bags," Jenkins chuckled. "Don't worry. They're harmless." Kaidan flushed with embarrassment. The corporal's amusement was short lived.

"Oh God," Jenkins gasped as the smell of burning flesh reached their noses. "What happened here?"

Kaidan heard the corporal gag when they came across charred corpses. He couldn't imagine seeing Vancouver burning like this, worrying if everyone he loved was still alive. _Prothean technology is priceless but to slaughter an entire colony for it?_ He turned away from the blackened bodies even though he knew the sight would be ingrained in his memory.

They followed Shepard up the only path forward, passing more burned bodies. When they came to an opening, her fist came up and the squad came to a grinding halt. Three sets of eyes scanned the way ahead. A gently winding path, dotted with a few large rock formations, signaled the way forward. Nothing appeared out of place. Kaidan could see a few gas bags floating in the distance but they were the only living thing in sight. He pulled up his omni-tool again and let it scan for additional information. He gave a silent nod to Shepard when she glanced back at him, indicating that the way forward was clear.

When Shepard signaled to move out, Jenkins moved quickly up the path. Kaidan felt an odd current in the air. It felt…wrong. He grasped at the Commander's waist, yanking her back behind cover of the large rock formation at the same time as a mechanical whirring sound filled the air. Recon drones appeared out of nowhere, blue fire exploding from their turrets at the very exposed Jenkins. His screams echoed through the comm link.

Kaidan locked eyes with Shepard and the two of them popped out of cover to return fire. She fired off two shots in quick succession, followed by two more. All three drones went down. If he'd had the time, Kaidan may have been able to appreciate her accuracy with a pistol. Instead, he rushed out of cover to Jenkins' still body as soon as the area was secure. He knelt by the young man, his fingers searching for a pulse he knew he wouldn't find.

"Ripped right through his shields. He never had a chance," Kaidan gently closed the corporal's eyes for the last time. He pushed himself off the ground and looked to his XO. Shepard's posture was rigid as she stared at Jenkins' body with wide eyes.

"It was my fault," Kaidan admitted with remorse.

Shepard's gaze jerked up to him. "No, it's not," she asserted with force. "They did this, not you," her hand swept out to the remnants of the machines that were sparking on the ground up the hill.

"I didn't expect…I didn't account for synthetics," he stuttered.

"We'll see that he receives a proper service once the mission is complete. But I need you to stay focused."

"Aye, aye, ma'am." He pulled up his omni-tool again and typed in a sequence of numbers to include all known signatures of synthetics.

"Thank you," she added over her shoulder as they cautiously moved from cover to cover up the path. He looked at her curiously. "For pulling me back."

The corner of his lip tugged up in a half smile and they moved on in silence.


	4. Chapter 4

Kaidan quickly realized that adjusting his scanner to account for synthetics had been a good idea. He and Shepard had barely made it to the cover of the trees before another wave of drones descended upon them. The second wave consisted of a heavily armored assault variety in place of the recon ones they'd dispatched earlier. Kaidan charged an overload attack to drain their shields while Shepard pressed forward, pistol blazing. They skirted around the trunks of huge trees, taking out each drone they came across.

At the tree line, Shepard signaled for him to pause again. Fast movement streaked by in the distance. Synchronously, they ducked behind cover and carefully peered around to assess the situation. A lone human raced towards the trees, two recon drones flying fast on her heels. The figure stumbled and Kaidan sucked in a breath, sure she was down for the count. Instead, the marine rolled and brought her pistol up on the pivot. Both machines exploded when her aim hit true. Shepard's sigh of relief echoed over the link in unison with his own.

The marine scrambled to her feet and kept running. A closer look past her revealed the true threat to Kaidan. Two bipedal synthetics had a tight grip on a man. Kaidan could see the victim struggling in their grasp. Suddenly, a metal spike pierced through his chest as it surged to the sky. Blood rained down over the synthetics as the man was finally still. In eerie unison, the figures turned in the direction the marine had fled. Kaidan noticed that in place of humanoid features, a single flashlight rested atop their shoulders.

From this vantage point, Kaidan could see the marine cowering behind an outcropping of rock, clutching an assault rifle close to her chest. The synthetics crept forward and metallic clicking noises filled the air with what he assumed was some form of communication. He let his biotics flare over his skin. He wasn't going to let anyone else die. Not if he could help it. He snapped his head to the side when he heard a loud crack. Shepard had traded her pistol for her sniper rifle and had it tight to her shoulder as she lined up a second shot.

* * *

Calm. Focus. Patience. It was the creed of a sniper. _Breathe in, acquire target. Breathe out, pull the trigger_. Shepard repeated the mantra to herself as she took down the second synthetic. She didn't know if they carried their processing power in those damn lamp heads like brains but was happy to learn that headshots worked just the same.

A blue field of energy rippled over the lieutenant's armor; it was mesmerizing. She had to admit that she was impressed with his calm attitude under fire. Though Jenkins' death had obviously upset Alenko, he'd set it aside and kept pace with her. Not every marine could do that. Sure, they were trained to deal with death and carry on in practice, but in reality, not all of them could. She pushed herself off the ground and latched the sniper rifle over her back again. _No time to take in the scenery_.

"I'm Commander Shepard. This is Lieutenant Alenko," Shepard approached the marine.

"Thanks for your help, Commander. I didn't think I was going to make it." The woman breathed heavily. "I'm Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams of the 212. You in charge?"

Shepard bit her tongue. _No, I just was out for a stroll in full gear when I happened upon you._ She settled for simple. "Are you wounded?"

Williams confirmed that she was alright and went on to explain what had happened. Routine patrol gone bad, ambushed by unknown sizable force. Unit wiped out. Shepard could relate.

"We held our position as long as we could," Williams' voice wavered. "Until the geth overwhelmed us."

"The geth haven't been seen outside the veil in nearly 200 years," Alenko reminded them. "Why are they here now?" Shepard's eyes narrowed as she considered his words.

"We need to get to that damn beacon," she concluded. Williams pointed her in the direction of the dig site. "Lieutenant Alenko and I will take care of this."

"Hell no," Williams fumed. "The geth slaughtered my unit. I want a chance to get even. Let me come with you!" _Great. Just what I don't need. A goddamn solider with an assault rifle and a vendetta to settle. I don't think so._

"She knows the area, Commander. And we could use the extra firepower," Alenko pointed out as he sensed her hesitation. _Shit._ He was right.

"I won't tolerate any reckless heroics, Williams. Remember who's in charge," Shepard fixed her stare on the Gunnery Chief.

Williams gulped but, to her credit, did not flinch or object. "Understood, Commander."

"Alright then, let's move out."

After they encountered more synthetics— _geth_ , she reminded herself—it was no surprise to find the dig site cleared. Shepard resisted the urge to let loose a string of expletives. It'd do no good to stand around and bitch about it.

"There's a research camp just at the top of this ridge, up the ramps," Williams supplied. "Maybe someone survived and can tell us where the beacon was moved to?"

"If it was even us that moved it," Alenko contemplated.

"I don't like the odds," Shepard muttered. "It's our best shot though. Keep your eyes open."

She felt her skin crawl as they crept forward, weapons drawn. There was nothing Shepard hated more than traveling up an incline in battle. It gave a horrible tactical advantage to the enemy, allowing them ease of access to shoot on you while blocking your line of sight. The ramps were steep, offering no insight of what awaited them at the crest. Spiraling towers of smoke were all that was visible above the rocks. Who knew what hid on the other side? It was no surprise when she winced as Nihlus's voice crackled over the comm system.

"Change of plans. There's a small spaceport ahead. I want to check it out. I'll wait for you there." _To the spaceport then._ Obviously Nihlus hadn't seen the beacon yet either.

The path finally opened into a small clearing. Buildings were in flames, research equipment scattered and broken about the ground.

"Picking up nothing on the sensors," Alenko reported, "but it's a good spot for an ambush. We should keep our guard up." Shepard couldn't agree more.

More of the impaling devices sat at the edge of the camp. Whatever adorned them was no longer recognizable. Still human in shape, the…things were an amalgamation of wires and sinew. Shepard shuddered at the sight.

"Oh God, they're still alive," Alenko shouted in horror as one of the spikes lowered. Indeed, the husk of the person who once had been was now racing towards them, arms outstretched, like the zombie vids from back in the day. Unlike zombies though, these things were fast. The three of them opened fire and gave ground to keep themselves out of reach. Shepard didn't want to find out what happened if they got ahold of someone.

When they were down, Shepard cautiously approached their lifeless bodies and nudged the closest one with her toe. It lay in a puddle of green ooze. _Will it stay down?_ To be on the safe side, she shot each abomination through the head. Instead of blood, a shower of sparks and a blue electrical pulse burst forth.

"What did the geth do to them?" Williams gasped. "And why?" Shepard realized that these things had probably once been her squad mates.

"I don't know the what, but I can guess the why," Shepard hissed. She felt the two staring at her. "You knew them, right Williams?" The woman nodded with pursed lips. "If you had hesitated, for even a second, because of who they'd been, they could have overwhelmed you."

"It's a shock tactic," Alenko marveled. "I didn't realize the geth's knowledge of emotions was so advanced."

"Neither did I," Shepard shook her head. "We need to keep moving."

"That door, it's closed," Williams pointed at a prefab just beyond the spikes. "The security lock's engaged." The gunnery chief approached it and checked over the circuit. "I can't get in."

"Out of the way, Williams." Shepard holstered her pistol and cracked her knuckles, allowing a small smile to grace her lips. It took her less than six seconds to decrypt the lock.

"Damn," Williams whistled. "You're pretty good."

"That was nothing," Shepard winked at her.

Inside they found survivors. A researcher and her assistant had holed up while a squad of marines tried to take down the forces outside. The researcher, as it turns out, had been in charge of the excavation. The woman confirmed that the Alliance scientists had moved the beacon to the spaceport that morning. _Finally,_ Shepard thought, _a stroke of luck._

"We have unearthed the heart of evil. Awakened the beast! Unleashed the darkness," the assistant interjected as Dr. Warren went into detail about the beacon. Shepard tried to ignore the man.

"Tell me about the attack," Shepard asked. Again, Manuel interrupted.

"Agents of the destroyers! Bringers of darkness! Heralds of our extinction!" Dr. Warren eyed her companion but let him finish his tirade before telling Shepard about the start of the attack and the marines that had sacrificed themselves to see the scientists to safety.

"Anything else you can tell me?"

"The turian! I saw him," Manuel wailed. "The prophet, leader of the enemy! He was here before the attack."

"That's impossible," Alenko pointed out. "Nihlus was with us on the Normandy when the transmission came through. He couldn't have been here."

"Manuel's just a bit unsettled," Dr. Warren explained. "He's always been a bit unstable. I'm afraid the attack exacerbated his condition. I gave him an extra dose of his meds after the attack but they haven't kicked in yet."

Manuel continued his wailing, each sentence portending doom and destruction louder than the last. _Shit_. _He's going to alert every geth in a hundred meter radius of our position if he doesn't shut up_. Shepard slammed her gloved fist into Manuel's face. His nose crunched with the impact and he collapsed to the floor unconscious. Dr. Warren dropped to the floor next to her assistant and stared up at Shepard in horror.

"That might've been a little extreme, Commander," Shepard heard the judgment in Alenko's chastening remark.

Shepard turned to her lieutenant. "There's an army of geth attacking just outside that door. His shouting was going to get all of us killed." _I'm his commanding officer. Why am I even explaining myself?_ Alenko pressed his lips together as he surveyed Manuel's limp form and then nodded as Shepard turned to her other companion and commanded, "Williams, take us to the spaceport."

* * *

The three of them ground to a halt at the top of a ridge and watched as a huge ship appeared through the smoke. Red energy pulsed around it as it rose in the red sky. Kaidan gaped at the sight. Seeing the monstrosity on the vid had done little to prepare him for the reality.

"Hostiles up ahead," Shepard shouted as she fired a round from her sniper rifle.

More husks swarmed in their direction from three sides, guttural cries ringing out as they tried to flank the squad. Kaidan let his anger flood through him. He pictured the burned bodies, the men who had been turned into those…creatures; he pictured Jenkins. He blazed blue and flung his hand out, throwing the husks as far as he could. The release was heady, and mildly frightening. It'd been a long time since he'd used the offensive capabilities of his biotics for combat.

"Damn! Nice, LT!" Williams shouted as she finished them off with her rifle.

"Agreed," Shepard huffed with a smile, blowing a strand of hair from her face. Kaidan felt his face grow hot and saw Williams sneak a peek at him. The gunnery chief snorted.

"What's so funny," Shepard turned back to look at the two of them. Kaidan shrugged and tried to avoid the weight of his XO's stare.

They all moved forward and found another locked door. The orange light of the lock lit Shepard's face as she bent over the display. Kaidan watched as her long fingers flew across the panel. _She_ is _good,_ he thought mere seconds later when the light blinked to green.

Another group of survivors exited the structure with their hands in the air. The relief in Shepard's voice at finding more people alive was unmistakable. And short lived. As Shepard instructed them to get back into cover, one of the farmers let it slip that their shed doubled as storage for a smuggling ring. Kaidan noticed her hands clench into tight fists. His own eyes narrowed when the man handed over a pistol. It was military grade.

"He's not a bad guy," the man insisted when Shepard demanded the smuggler's name. "I don't want to get him in trouble. Besides, I'm not a snitch."

"Would you rather be a snitch, or a corpse?" The barrel of her pistol came up, inches from the man's face. His eyes widened and he quickly spat out a name. "If I find out you were lying, I'll come back for you," she promised as the pistol came down.

As they made their way down to the main area of the spaceport, Kaidan asked, "Would you have really shot him?"

"I hadn't decided yet." There was no hint of humor in her voice.

With careful steps, the trio ascended a short flight of stairs onto the docking area of the spaceport. A turian body lay on the metal floor, his head resting in a halo of blue blood.

"Commander," Kaidan approached the body with a sad shake of his head, "it's Nihlus." _What could have taken down the Spectre? He'd carried enough firepower to wipe out an entire platoon._ _Most of which are missing now_ , Kaidan noticed.

"Something's moving, over behind those crates," Williams shouted.

Kaidan and Shepard drew their guns in unison. Shepard lowered hers as the shadowy form coalesced into a grungy dock worker. She gestured with the barrel of the gun at Nihlus's body and then back at the dock worker, the unasked question obvious.

"It wasn't me," the man, Powell he said his name was, stammered. "I saw what happened, to your friend. There were two of them here, turians I mean! They must have known each other because your friend called the other one by name, Saren I think he said, and let his guard down. When he turned around, the other one just shot him in the back."

Kaidan and Shepard exchanged glances as they holstered their weapons. It didn't make any sense. What was another turian doing out here, with the geth no less?

"You're that smuggler the farmer told us about," Williams glared at the man.

The man sputtered as he tried to deny it. "Okay, so what," he finally shrugged his shoulders in defeat. "What does it matter now? Everyone's dead."

"You greedy, self serving bastard," Shepard's temper flared. "That pistol Cole gave me was military issue. Who knows what else you've got? You're stealing from the Alliance and they're _dying_ for you!" Kaidan watched as her hand hovered over her weapon. Powell froze as he noticed it too. Everyone held their breath as time stopped for a second. Finally, her arm dropped back to her side. "You're not worth it," she hissed. "Get out of here before I change my mind." Powell turned to leave. " _After_ you give me everything you've got stashed back there."

Powell handed her a few grenades and some modded ammo. "Use the cargo train to get to the other platform. That's where they took the beacon," he added over his shoulder as he ran through the warehouse doors.

"Move out," Shepard shouted.

A group of geth ambushed them as they rounded the corner to the train. Shepard charged headfirst into them, dispatching them with deadly efficiency at close range with her pistol. There were no combatants to take out by the time he and Williams caught up to her at the top of the ramp.

A slug whizzed past their heads and sparked against a metal crate. _Think again._ Kaidan checked his omni-tool while Shepard peered over a crate.

"Damn, there are a lot of them," Williams groaned.

If he hadn't been looking at her, Kaidan would have missed the smile that crept over Shepard's face. "Bring it on," she continued down the ramp, staying low to keep behind the metal railing. Something exploded to his left. Kaidan peered over the metal barricade and saw that one of the geth carried a rocket launcher. The geth was priming another round, this one aimed at the platform the stairs emptied on to, the same platform Shepard had just hopped down on. Kaidan grit his teeth and sent the geth flying backwards with all the force he could muster. Out of sheer luck, its body crashed into another, sending both of them sprawling. The constant clatter of gunfire echoed through the air as the geth fired on them, taking cover behind the many turnstiles that dotted the narrow platform. The three of them used the turnstiles to their own advantage, racing from cover to cover as they took down any resistance they encountered. As they neared the end of the gangway, a particularly large geth, larger than the rest, rushed towards them. With a flick of his wrist, Kaidan sent the synthetic floating in the air. A second later, its flashlight exploded as Shepard put a slug through the center of the bulb. That final shot brought with it silence.

"Alenko," Shepard nodded at the cargo train. He pulled up his omni-tool and scanned for any signs of tampering or sabotage while Shepard and Williams checked over their firearms. Finding nothing, the trio boarded.

"You think the beacon's even still here?" Williams crinkled her nose in doubt as the tram sped along the rails.

"We won't know until we check."

"Demolition charges!" Kaidan noticed the cylindrical tube the minute the tram had docked. "The geth must have planted them!"

"Cover me," Shepard dropped to a crouch, her omni-tool activating as she began to run a sequence to disarm the device. Kaidan hazarded a glance down at her. In the orange glow of her omni-tool, he could see that her brow was furrowed in concentration. An insistent, angry bleep filled the air as she hit a firewall. Her nimble fingers danced over the interface, making small corrections to bypass them. The blinking red light on the charge powered down and the beeping stopped.

"One down…" Shepard rose, pistol back in hand. The area around them was silent. Either the geth had already evacuated the area or—suddenly the sound of gunfire pierced the air—or they'd been lying in wait. "Alenko, find any other charges!"

Geth flooded the upper platform of the docking station. The Commander and Williams rushed up the ramp to meet the geth forces. Kaidan dropped behind cover next to the disarmed bomb to run a sequencing code on it. He needed to isolate the frequency so he could pinpoint where the other devices were stashed. "C'mon, c'mon," he whispered at the bomb through clenched teeth. Thirty seconds later, his omni-tool flashed with results. "Commander, across the bridge, eight o'clock!"

The next few minutes were a flurry of movement as they raced to each charge, taking out geth on the way, and then held their position to give Shepard cover as she disarmed the device. As soon as the light flickered off, they'd rush forward to repeat with the next charge.

"That's all of them." Kaidan checked over his omni-tool one more time to be sure while he caught his breath.

"It sure was nice of them to leave them in a straight line for us," Shepard grinned. Her face snapped back to a scowl after a second. "Now let's find that damn beacon and get the hell out of here."

A shallow tunnel led them out onto the landing zone. The beacon was there alright, but there were also geth and husks guarding it. Luckily, there weren't many. The machines probably hadn't expected the organics to get past the waves of geth on the other side. Assuming they did, there were still the bombs. With a few well placed shots, the platform went silent again.

The beacon sat on the edge of the docking bay before a backdrop of a burning Eden Prime. A green beam pierced through the top of it while wisps of green energy swirled around the base.

"This is amazing," Kaidan stared at the obelisk in awe while Shepard called for pickup. "Actual working Prothean technology."

Williams eyed it curiously. "Wasn't do anything like that when they dug it up."

Kaidan stepped forward. _If Williams is right, something must have activated the beacon._ If he could just see where—the green light pulsed and grew until it expanded outward into a singularity field with a whomping noise. Kaidan leaned back against the power of the field as he tried to break free of the gravity well. The pull of the field was too strong and he felt his boots drag across the metal grating of the platform. As he was sucked forward, he had the odd thought that the humming chime of the beacon was almost pleasant.

A compact shape crashed into his side, throwing him out of the radius of the field. As he rolled to a stop on the platform, Williams kneeled beside him to help him up. He clutched his head in his hand and shook himself as he tried to recover his bearings. God, he hated singularity fields.

The echoing of a hollow bass note rang out around them. Kaidan's head whipped up and he watched in horror as Shepard was pulled into the field in his place. The green light sucked her upward until she was suspended a few feet in the air. Kaidan scrabbled forward, clawing at the rivets in the metal grating to pull himself to her. _Why am I not moving?_ He growled when he realized Williams had a tight grip on his waist.

"No! Don't touch her!" the chief shouted over the humming vibrations of the beacon. "It's too dangerous!"

He watched helplessly as Shepard dangled in the air. As the humming grew louder, her back arched further as her limbs twitched and writhed against the field. The sound reached a crescendo and exploded outward in a ball of light, throwing Shepard's limp form back. Kaidan shoved Williams and tore free of her grip as he rushed to the Commander's side. He rolled Shepard gently but she was motionless.


	5. Chapter 5

With trembling hands, Kaidan reached for Shepard's carotid artery, afraid of what he might—or, to be more accurate, might not—find. He breathed an audible sigh of relief as he felt her pulse flutter beneath his fingers. Now that he knew she was alive, he blocked out his surroundings, and his guilt, and went to work. A thorough scan showed that she had no physical wounds but he found nothing to account for her unresponsive state.

The gentle purr of the Normandy filled the spaceport as the ship docked. Kaidan hoisted Shepard's limp form into his arms and carried her towards the opening hatch of the cargo bay.

"Need some help with that?" Williams jogged up alongside of him. Her hands came up in mock surrender when he glared at her.

"What the hell happened down there?" Captain Anderson was waiting for them at the top of the ramp. Kaidan caught the tightening of the captain's jaw as he took in the sight of his XO out cold. The captain's gaze made a sweep of the dock and landed back on Kaidan. "Jenkins? Nihlus?" Kaidan shook his head, eyes downcast.

"We need to get her to the med bay." Kaidan marched to the elevator, Anderson hot on his heels.

"You, get in here," Anderson turned and shouted at Williams. The gunnery chief had halted at the top of the ramp. "I'll need to debrief both of you once we get the Commander to Dr. Chakwas."

Kaidan felt Anderson's eyes on him as they waited for the elevator to chug its way up to the mess deck.

"Gracious," Dr. Chakwas exclaimed when the group came through the door. "Get her over there on the bed." Kaidan lay Shepard on one of the cots as gently as he could and backed into the corner of the room. The doctor bent over Shepard to perform a more thorough examination than the one he'd performed in the field.

"She's fine," the doctor announced as she straightened. "Physically, at least. There is some abnormal brain activity. The beta waves present indicate that the Commander is conscious and in a heightened state of alertness but her rapid eye movement suggests intense dreaming. I'm afraid we'll just have to let her rest and come to on her own."

Satisfied with the report, Anderson pressed his lips into a thin line and signaled for Kaidan and Williams to follow him to his office. "Tell me everything, starting with who you are." The captain turned his focus to Williams as he slumped heavily in his chair.

"Gunnery Chief Williams, sir. My unit was assigned to beacon patrol. I…I'm the only one left."

Kaidan filled in the rest, from losing Jenkins, to the discovery of Nihlus' body, all the way to the explosion of the beacon. He kept the report as professional as possible, locking away the guilt and grief he felt over the whole incident.

"Jesus. And you said that a witness placed another turian with the geth?"

"Yes, sir. He said Nihlus addressed the other one by name, Saren." The captain's brow furrowed as he considered Kaidan's words but he remained silent and waited for anything else the ground team had to add.

Kaidan brought his hand up and rubbed the back of his neck. _Time to swallow my pride_. "Sir, I accept full responsibility for the destruction of the beacon. The mission failure is on me."

"Nonsense, Lieutenant. Our plan was to bring that beacon on board. If you hadn't approached it, someone else would have." The captain squared his shoulders and tapped his terminal to bring up the screen. "If the geth are invading, I need to contact the ambassador right away. You're both dismissed."

"Where do I go, sir?" Williams spoke again.

"For now, you're with us. I'll contact the chain of command to find out where they want you reassigned." Williams nodded and the two of them filed through the door. Anderson called out after him. "Oh, Lieutenant. If I could have one more minute of your time?"

Kaidan turned around and stepped back into the room, the door hissing shut behind him. "Sir?"

"Professional opinion of Gunnery Chief Williams?"

"Determined, focused, good with an assault rifle. She's opinionated but I was impressed with her ability to adjust in the field."

"Thank you, Lieutenant," Anderson said. "I want both your reports on my desk before morning."

After being dismissed, Kaidan made his way back to the med bay. He slipped through the door quietly and crossed the room to stand at the side of Shepard's bed. The rear door slid open and Dr. Chakwas poked her head through.

"Lieutenant, is everything alright? Do you need something for a migraine?" she asked him.

"Uh, no," he looked up at her sheepishly before turning his attention back to the Commander.

"I see," she chuckled. "The Commander will be fine, Kaidan."

"I…" he massaged his temple with one hand as he searched for the right words. "Yeah," he finally settled.

"I can see you're not going to be easily persuaded. You're welcome to wait here if you'd like." She disappeared back into the office but returned a minute later, bringing a chair out for him.

"Thanks Doc." Kaidan settled into the chair and tried to focus on the datapad in front of him. His eyes kept drifting back to the sleeping Commander's face. He gave up all pretenses of working and dropped the datapad in his lap as he hunched over to rest his elbows on his knees. He traced the lines of her face with his eyes as he replayed the events of the day.

Commander Shepard was a remarkable, and perplexing, woman. From the minute they'd touched boots to the ground, she'd pursued their mission with unwavering purpose. And still, despite Anderson's words that survivors were secondary, she'd taken the time to check on the people they'd found. Kaidan chuckled softly to himself. Maybe compassionate wouldn't be the best word to describe her but she no doubt _cared_. Yet she'd been cold towards Williams during their initial meeting. The Commander had worn the shroud of leader easily, as if she was born to do it. There were hints though that she wasn't always a team player. As a tech expert, Kaidan would have been well-suited to disarm the bombs while she provided fire support. Instead, she'd insisted on disarming them all herself. _Perplexing indeed_.

Kaidan sighed and went back to work on the report. Even though he knew Anderson was probably right and the destruction of the beacon hadn't been his fault, he didn't need to test his CO's patience by failing to complete the task he'd been given. He stared down at the small device on his lap and tried to find the right words, especially when he got to the section regarding Jenkins. The report only needed the cold, clinical facts regarding what had happened. It didn't require any insight or kind words about the man. Jenkins mattered to people, both on this ship and off, but Kaidan hated how the mission debrief reduced him to another casualty. _How does someone get used to that?_

He glanced over at Shepard again. Even after everything she'd been through, he'd caught the tell on her face as she'd stared down at Jenkins's body. _Maybe you don't get used to it. Maybe that's what keeps you human._

As he finished the report, he felt a hand on his shoulder and looked up to see Doc at his side. She extended a power bar with a smile. "If you're going to stay in here, you're at least going to eat something." He accepted it gratefully as his stomach rumbled, reminding him that he hadn't eaten in hours. As a biotic, it was important for him to maintain a steady caloric intake. He had a high metabolism—all biotics did—and using his abilities to manipulate dark energy burned even more calories.

Kaidan had barely finished the bar before his eyes grew heavy from the strenuous exertion of the day's events. He fought to keep them open. He needed to get some rest; needed it as much as he had needed food but he couldn't bring himself to leave the Commander's side. His guilt, no matter how irrational, dictated that he stay until he saw with his own eyes that she was fine. The room faded into darkness as his head lolled towards his chest. He jerked and shook his head, trying to rattle his alertness back to the forefront of his mind. Maybe if he just closed his eyes for a second it wouldn't be so bad. _Doc won't mind_ , he thought as he yawned. He folded his arms into a pillow and leaned onto the hard cot. In seconds, blackness fell around him.

* * *

Shepard groaned as her eyes opened to the bright glare of fluorescent lights. She squeezed them shut again and groped at her head. _Where am I_? Her mind scrambled to make sense of the situation. She pushed herself up, recognizing the Normandy's med bay. A dark haired figure lay hunched over her bed, head resting on crossed arms. His face looked worried even in sleep.

Her movement must have disturbed him because he jerked awake and fixed bleary amber eyes on her. Despite the exhaustion, or maybe because of it, she could see how deep his concern for her ran. Her heart hammered against her ribs in a way that had nothing to do with her medical state of being.

"Geez Alenko, you look like shit," she grinned at him, hoping the smile reached her eyes. She groaned again as the sudden movement brought her attention swiftly to the throbbing in her head. She leaned forward, dropping her head in her hands and prayed that the room would stop spinning.

His eyes went wide. "Doctor," he called. "She's waking up."

Rhythmic clicking got steadily closer until the Doctor came into view. "You had us worried there, Shepard. How're you feeling?"

A memory of eerie green light washed over her. _The beacon!_ She needed to warn them not to touch it. With a quick shove, she pushed herself from the cot. And fell straight towards the floor. Alenko dashed forward and caught her as the ground rushed towards her face.

"Easy there, Commander," his fingers were feather light against her skin but his grip was steady.

She waved him off and shakily reclaimed her seat. "How long was I out?"

"About fifteen hours," Doctor Chakwas reported. "Something happened down there with the beacon."

"It's my fault," her lieutenant said. "I must have triggered some kind of security field when I approached it. You had to push me out of the way."

His words triggered the memory. She'd been calling for transport. Suddenly, the light had changed and she'd peered over Williams' shoulder to see Kaidan— _Alenko_ —being sucked towards the beacon. Her heart froze at the thought that she would lose another member of her team. Luckily, her brain knew what to do and she'd knocked him out of the singularity field. In which she'd then been sucked into herself.

Other memories, dark memories, red with death and destruction and devastation came to her. They weren't hers but they felt real.

"You had no way to know what would happen. None of us did." His shoulders visibly relaxed as a glimmer of a smile passed over his face. "And the beacon?"

"It exploded, a system overload maybe," he explained. "The blast knocked you out cold. We had to carry you back to the ship"

The weight of the words settled heavy in her stomach. The entire mission was a failure. A dead marine and a dead Spectre, for nothing.

"I don't suppose it occurred to you that Eden Prime has medical facilities," Shepard shook her head.

"I'll try not to take offense to that, Commander," the doctor chided. "Besides, the Normandy was able to dock at the port so, technically, our medbay was much closer."

The door slid open and Captain Anderson came in. Shepard absently wondered how he knew she was awake or if he'd been repeatedly checking on her.

"How's our XO holding up, doctor?" he asked.

Shepard glared at him from under her brow. "I'm right here."

"All the readings look normal," Dr. Chakwas ignored Shepard and reported her condition to Anderson. "I'd say the Commander is going to be just fine."

"Glad to hear it. I'd like to speak to Shepard, in private." The doctor and lieutenant nodded and hastily vacated the room, leaving her and Anderson alone. "How are you doing, really?"

"What makes you think I'm anything other than fine?"

"C'mon, Shepard. You might be able to fool the Alliance shrinks but I've been in your shoes."

She caught her lower lip between her teeth and stared at him for a moment. "I don't like losing people under my command. Jenkins, then Nihlus, almost Alenko." She shook her head. "This is why I specialized in infiltration. In and out. I'm more suited for special ops than I am leading…" she trailed off.

"What do you think Spectres are," she glanced up at him, ready to protest again against her consideration for the program. He sighed and shrugged his shoulders with a frown. "Of course, this mission went shit sideways."

"Yeah, the ones I'm on always seem to do that," she scoffed.

He ignored her pitying remark. "I know this other turian, Saren. He's a Spectre, one of the best. A living legend. He's always hated humans, but if he's working with the geth, it means he's gone rogue."

"So?"

"So, it means you didn't do anything wrong, Shepard. I'll stand behind you and your report. Saren wanted that beacon for something. Do you have any clue that might tell us what he was after?"

"I don't know exactly. There were…flashes. A vision of some kind. Synthetics, geth maybe, slaughtering people. Butchering them."

"We need to report this to the Council, Shepard."

 _Hell no,_ her brain screamed but she kept her voice calm. "They'll think I'm crazy." The Alliance already had their doubts about her emotional 'scars'. If she confessed to having visions of doom, they'd lock her in the fucking nut house.

"Shepard, we don't know what information was stored in that beacon. It could be anything, including blueprints for a weapon of mass destruction."

Her blood burned for revenge for the colonists of Eden Prime. It still didn't mean she wanted to get involved with the Council and their politics. "I'll find some way to take him down."

"It's not that easy." Anderson shook his head. "He's a Spectre. He can go anywhere, do almost anything. That's why we _need_ the Council on our side."

"I don't know what makes you think they're going to actually do something for humanity this time." It was no secret that humans were not well liked among the galaxy and not just by turians. Most aliens made their disdain well known. Humans were too new to be taken seriously.

"If we expose him as a traitor, they'll revoke his Spectre status. I've already contacted the ambassador to set up a meeting with the Council. We're en route to the Citadel now," he fixed his hard stare on her. "This was never up for debate."

She cursed under her breath; she had no choice.

Anderson was gone and Shepard was still sitting in quiet contemplation on her cot when she heard the clicking of Dr. Chakwas' heels as the doctor returned to her domain. "Was there something else you needed, Commander?"

"No, I'll clear out." Shepard made it halfway to the door before she sighed and turned around. "What would have happened to Lieutenant Alenko if I hadn't knocked him out of the way?"

The doctor's sea green eyes stared intently at Shepard. "Frankly, I'm not even sure what happened to you. There's no way to know how it would have affected anyone else." Shepard nodded. She'd thought as much. "Though, if I had to make an educated guess," the doctor added, "I believe our journey to the Citadel would be much more desperate. I'm not sure a biotic implant would have withstood whatever caused the beacon to self-disrupt, especially the lieutenant's L2 implant."

Shepard ran suddenly clammy palms down the sides of her legs and grasped at the doctor's words. "L2? I'm not familiar with the ins and outs of biotics."

"An earlier model," Chakwas explained. "Most biotics use the L3 implants. The L2 is controversial since many wired with it tend to have severe complications."

Shepard frowned. Alenko had seemed perfectly capable in the field. "What kind of complications?"

"Severe mental disabilities, insanity, crippling physical pain. There's a long list of horrific side effects. Kaidan's lucky. He just gets migraines."

"Why not upgrade to an L3?"

"You'd have to ask him, Commander." Doctor Chakwas shrugged. "Either way, there's no way of knowing how the implant would have reacted to the beacon. He's lucky you were there."

"Guess it's a good thing I'm no biotic then," Shepard mumbled.

"Indeed."

Frowning still, Shepard made her way into the mess. A few short steps brought her to her destination and she grabbed eagerly at the coffee pot. If Anderson expected her to play nice with politicians, she needed to get some caffeine. The thin layer of liquid at the bottom was black and burned. _How the fuck do you burn coffee?_ _If there's a millimeter left, you finish it and make more_. The carafe dropped back to the heating plate with a loud clatter. She dug under the counter for another packet of grounds but came up empty-handed. She growled at the discovery. They had to have been poorly stocked if they were already out this soon meaning she needed to have a little chat with the requisitions officer. She also made a mental note to send out a notice to all personnel regarding coffee protocol.

She'd just boarded the elevator to take her down to the cargo bay when a hand thrust out to stop the door. A familiar brunette entered the car.

"What are you doing here?" Shepard asked the young soldier.

"I'm headed down to the armory. I've been assigned to weapons maintenance," Williams explained as she glared at Shepard.

"I don't remember inviting you on board," she snapped. It'd been a long day; they'd lost two people, lost the beacon, and now Shepard had to go play politics.

"You didn't, ma'am," the gunnery chief's voice was frosty, stressing the appellation like an insult. "Captain Anderson did. Must have figured I knew what I was doing."

"You got a problem with me, Williams?"

"You questioned my competence through the entire mission!"

"I _questioned_ if a marine who'd just watched her whole unit get slaughtered could stay focused on the mission." Shepard felt almost guilty as she watched the chief's face fall at the mention of her comrades. She let her voice soften just a little. "I was happy to be proved wrong."

"Thanks, Commander." The chief studied the tops of her boots. "I've seen friends die before. Comes with being a marine. But to see my whole unit wiped out…One of them, Windle, just found out he was going to be a dad."

The elevator door slid open. "You can't afford to think about it," Shepard left the woman standing in the elevator and made her way across the room with a carefully settled blank expression.

Shepard knew she had a reputation as a hard ass marine, knew that most of the people she'd served with called her a cold hearted bitch behind her back. None who had known her softer side were still alive to talk about it.

The minute she entered into basic, Shepard realized she hadn't really thought the whole 'join-the-Alliance' escape through. The Reds had taught her to look out for herself. The Alliance wanted to teach her to look out for others. The paradigm shift did not come easily to her. She excelled at the physical training but failed spectacularly any time she was required to rely on someone to watch her six. In fact, she'd almost washed out of basic after being killed in training simulations one too many times. With her drill instructor's words of doubt burning through her, she'd fought hard to prove him wrong.

The following years had slowly warmed her. After basic, the soldiers she worked with gained her trust. Not because she was forced to for the sake of her career but because they'd earned it. For each inch of trust they earned, an inch of her guard went down. She learned things from them that she'd never learned from the Reds; who their families were, their dreams, who they were besides Alliance soldiers. It'd taken twenty-two years for Shepard to finally be able to call someone friend. Then she'd lost them all on Akuze.

* * *

After being dismissed from the medbay, Kaidan hovered outside in the mess, waiting for Shepard to emerge. _I look desperate_ , he groaned internally. It was bad enough that she had caught him sleeping at her side. He would go up and check on Joker instead; the witty pilot could probably distract him.

Joker smirked as Kaidan entered the cockpit. "Nice work almost getting the Commander killed. I'm sure that'd be a great addition to that commendable service record you have." The helmsman glanced at his co-pilot's ashen face. "I was kidding. Geez, lighten up."

"I _did_ almost get her killed," Kaidan grimaced as he leaned against the door jamb. _Maybe coming up here wasn't the best idea_.

"We can't all be perfect."

Kaidan rolled his eyes. "I've got to get back down below."

"Sure thing, lieutenant. And hey, if you come across any more active alien tech, remember not to touch it?"

Kaidan passed Anderson on his way back down to the mess deck.

"Alenko, just the man I needed to see. We should reach the Citadel in a few hours. You and Williams will accompany us to the ambassador's office, in case he has any questions. Be ready when we dock." The captain disappeared into the comm room with a curt nod and the door hissed shut behind him, hiding the room from view.

Kaidan followed the stairwell back down to his workstation and tried to avoid staring at the med bay that was across from it. Instead, he began the task of wading through all the reports he needed to deal with. Nothing urgent but one message caught his eye. He grinned.

 _Due to the already depleted stock of coffee on ship, future caffeine rations will be limited to one cup per crew member. Those caught sneaking any extra will be put on head duty, with their toothbrush. -Shepard_

Kaidan marked the message as read and focused on the rest of his work as he let his surroundings fade to a dim hum. So engrossed in his work, he wasn't sure how much time had passed when a faint curse reached his ears, breaking his concentration. If his aching muscles were any indication, he'd been hunched over his station for awhile. He rubbed at his lower back and looked up from the screen but there was no one in the nearby vicinity. He leaned over the console and peered down the narrow corridor that housed the sleeper pods but they were all dark. The night crew still had a few hours before swapping out with the crew currently on deck. He shrugged and turned his focus back down to the screen.

"C'mon, you piece of shit," he heard a few minutes later.

Louder this time, it sounded like it was coming from behind him. The only thing back there was the captain's cabin and, as far as Kaidan knew, Anderson was still in the comm room. He hadn't seen the captain come down anyway. Kaidan crept forward on the balls of his feet and peered cautiously around the corner.

Shepard balanced on one knee at Anderson's door, her left elbow propped on the other knee with her activated omni-tool lighting the shadowy corner. Kaidan could just make out a series of hacking fragments over her shoulder. She highlighted a sequence, quickly scrolled through to the next, and on again until she hummed in approval and hit the key to run the pieced together code. The already red lock on Anderson's door blinked angrily at her.

"What are you doing?" Kaidan finally asked. Her startled jump told him that she'd been so absorbed in getting through the door that he'd actually managed to sneak up on her.

"What's it look like?" she glared at him and turned back to the lock.

"Okay, but why?"

"Do you always ask this many questions?" her voice hissed through clenched teeth as she tried to refocus.

"Do you always try to hack into your commanding officer's private quarters?"

"Oh Alenko, you're a vanilla, by the books kind of guy, aren't you?" she smirked at him as she dropped to the floor and stretched her legs out in front of her. Heat rushed up his face. He only hoped that she'd terminated the run time on her omni-tool before she'd noticed. "Before you get your skivvies in a bunch, it's a bet, one which I'm currently losing." He leaned on the wall opposite her and waited for her to elaborate. "Anderson bet me that I couldn't get into his room," she shrugged like it was normal.

"And if you lose?"

"I miss out on the bottle of tequila that I'd get if I win."

"I'm more of a whiskey man myself," he found himself offering.

"That's fine," her eyes twinkled in mild amusement. "I've never been good at sharing."

He swallowed past a sudden lump in his throat. Those words coming from her full lips sounded…seductive. _You're reading too much into it,_ he told himself as he slid down the wall to join her on the floor. The hall was narrower than she'd made it look so he ended up with bent knees and his toes pressed against the opposite wall. Funny, he'd never really noticed their height difference. She carried herself tall, with all the confidence of a titan. "So why did you make the bet to begin with?"

"I needed something to do with my hands."

"So your first go-to was to hack into the CO's quarters." He chuckled. "What else do you like doing?"

"Other than shooting things? I'm partial to explosions but unfortunately I can't do either on ship."

"I meant non-work related hobbies," he shook his head with a smile.

Her jaw clenched unexpectedly as she crossed her arms over her chest. Kaidan stayed silent. The conversation balanced on the edge of a precipice he hadn't known was there and if he so much as breathed wrong, it'd plummet over the side. "I never really had the luxury of hobbies," her voice was soft but her eyes blazed, challenging him to press her for more information.

"You know, if you want help with it, I'm not so bad myself," he offered. "I won't even make you share your spoils."

Shepard's head tilted to the side silently. Kaidan sat patiently under her stare, wondering if he would pass her inspection. One side of her mouth crept up into a crooked smile. "Thanks for the offer, but no. I'm going to win that bottle fair and square."

He fought to keep the smirk off of his face and lost.

"What's so funny?" she stared at him from under knit brows.

"Here I was thinking you were one of the most impatient people I'd ever met only to discover you have it in excess. As long as it doesn't involve people." Even under her serious gaze, he couldn't contain his chuckle.

"People are different," she muttered.


	6. Chapter 6

Shepard's fingers tapped out an impatient rhythm on the manufactured surface of the table. She had stashed her well won bottle of tequila in her locker but the victory of hacking into Anderson's quarters meant that she had lost the distraction. She would have gone down to the armory to check over her weapons again but Williams was there and Shepard didn't care to bond over their paralleled circumstances. Though there was a partition between the conference table where she sat and the lieutenant's console, a glassless window provided her ample view of the man at work. When he wasn't pestering her with questions, Alenko showed remarkable focus on…whatever it was he was doing over there.

The elevator hummed behind her. A few seconds later, the whoosh of the door opening filled the room accompanied by steady footsteps in the hall.

"Hey, LT." Williams headed straight to Alenko's workstation. "I'm heading up to the cockpit. I heard we're about to land on the Citadel."

"You've never been?" He stopped and turned to give the pretty chief his full attention. _What does it matter what she looks like?_

"Nope! What about you?" Williams face split into a large smile with her excitement.

"I've been on ships that docked there to refuel. Never had the chance to go ashore though," Alenko answered. He and Shepard had that in common, though in her case, she'd chosen to stay aboard when the last ship she'd been stationed had been given forty-eight hours of shore leave.

"Well, let's go! Unless you'd rather stay down here with your gadgets?" Williams shoved him playfully.

"Sure, let me just…" His fingers made a few more taps on the console and then his warm eyes met Shepard's over the table. "You coming, Commander?" Shepard told herself it didn't matter that he'd included her, that she didn't care but a niggling, _joyous_ feeling in the pit of her stomach said otherwise.

"Oh, hey Commander. I didn't see you there," Williams apologized. Shepard pushed her chair back and made her way to the stairs slowly to give the others a chance to catch up. The stairway was only wide enough for two. Alenko held back with a smile to let the women walk side by side. Shepard might have been annoyed by anyone else's chivalry but it seemed fitting coming from the lieutenant. On Eden Prime, he had followed her orders without hesitation and didn't seem bothered that his commanding officer was a woman. That's what mattered to her. There were some men in the Alliance—not many but some—who still had problems being ordered around by a woman. The ones that didn't have a problem usually went out of their way to treat women as just another one of the guys.

 _Maybe this chivalry thing is kind of nice?_

"Did Captain Anderson already inform the both of you that you'd be joining us for the meeting?" Shepard asked them as they made their way towards the cockpit. Dual confirmation reached her ears.

"Can't say that I'm looking forward to that," Alenko added. "Our mission ended with one Spectre killing another. The Council's not going to be happy about that. Still, we should probably tell them Saren isn't working for them anymore."

"I'd be more optimistic about the whole thing if I had my coffee," Shepard muttered.

"Maybe we'll have a chance to grab some on the way to the embassy," Alenko offered. She almost moaned at the thought.

They reached the cockpit just in time to watch the jump into the Serpent Nebula. Joker navigated them through the dense gas of the system and, suddenly, the breathtaking sight of the Citadel loomed before them. Shepard took in the view of the enormous station in breathless wonder. Sources said it was home to more than thirteen million, rivaling some of the larger cities on Earth. Of course, the beauty of the sparkling lights and sheer magnitude from far away hid the secrets and ugly truths that were sure to be found there, just like all cities. If she was being honest with herself, that was as much a reason why she'd remained behind as any of the other excuses she'd offered when given the chance to go aboard the Citadel. Sometimes it was easier to appreciate things from a distance.

No excuses would get her out of boarding the station this time though; Saren had seen to that.

Anderson wordlessly approached the airlock, not sparing a glance through the windows at the wonder of engineering on the other side. Joker had barely settled the ship into the dock and connected with the gate before the captain motioned for the three of them to join him. He hid his impatience well, no tapping feet or anxious tics, but his brisk stride the moment the decontamination chamber unsealed made it clear that he wanted to be in the ambassador's office ten minutes ago.

Shepard sighed. It looked like she wouldn't be getting that coffee after all.

* * *

The ambassador's angry voiced reached their small group long before they'd arrived at the door to his office. Anderson ushered them through and out to the balcony that overlooked the Presidium while the human ambassador consulted via hologram with the three alien representatives of the council. The four of them waited in silence, exchanging concerned glances when it became clear that the Council had no interest in lending their support to protect Eden Prime or other human colonies on the borders of the Terminus Systems. Apparently knowing the risk meant 'suck it up' and 'too bad, it's on you' as well as 'not our problem'. Kaidan clenched his teeth together. _The colony has been devastated by the geth and the Council's reaction is basically a 'told you so'_.

Anderson's tight lipped frown morphed into an angry slash as Ambassador Udina turned and vented his frustrations on the captain. "I see you brought half your crew with you."

"Just the ground team from Eden Prime. In case you had any questions." Despite his visible frustration, the captain's voice was calm.

Udina continued to berate Anderson, going so far as subtly implying that the mission reports all of them had submitted were incorrect, thus the need for the ground team. "The Council doesn't like their top agent being accused of treason." His tone of voice made it perfectly clear that the charges being brought against Saren by the Normandy crew were an inconvenience.

"If the council wants to sit on their collective asses and do nothing, fine. I'll handle it myself," Commander Shepard snapped. "I didn't expect better of them anyway." Kaidan quickly turned to the balcony and feigned interest in the lush park that made up the central ring of the Citadel. In truth, the bewilderment on Udina's face, that someone would _dare_ address him in that tone, had almost sent Kaidan into a fit of laughter. Laughing at the diplomat was probably career suicide. He noticed Ashley had turned away as well and her lips were pressed together tightly to hide her own smile.

"Settle down Commander. You've already done more than enough to jeopardize your candidacy for the Spectres."

"I guess it's good I never gave a shit about the job in the first place."

Udina sputtered. Kaidan resisted the urge to gape at Shepard. _She doesn't want to be the first human Spectre?_ He knew plenty of people who would be knocking down the Ambassador's door, willing to do just about anything to secure that position. Finally the Ambassador just shook his head in disgust and ordered Captain Anderson to accompany him elsewhere to prepare for the hearing. "Shepard, you and the others can meet us at the Citadel Tower, top level. I'll make sure you have clearance to get in." He strode from the room without another glance at the party, obviously expecting Anderson to follow meekly behind.

"And that's why I hate politicians," Ashley shook her head in disgust. She turned to Shepard. "They were considering you for the Spectres? And you want to turn them down?"

Kaidan glanced at the two of them curiously. He wanted the answer too but he didn't think he would ever have been so bold to ask. Shepard eyed the chief with pursed lips. "I'm Alliance," she finally added without further explanation.

* * *

Shepard fumed as the Council filed from the chambers. They'd dismissed the claims against Saren as nothing other than absurd accusations, waving off Powell's testimony with nary a second glance.

In truth, Shepard wasn't surprised. She'd gone into the hearing assuming the Council would be quick to protect their own. What she hadn't expected was Saren's presence. He'd appeared as a larger than life holo to vehemently deny his involvement in the whole matter. The plated bastard had gone so far as to turn the entire thing around on her, sneering at the shortcomings of her actions and humanity in general.

As a last ditch effort to convince the Council of the truth, Captain Anderson had offered Shepard's vision to the trio. What he hoped to achieve by bringing it up, Shepard still didn't know. The nightmarish scenes hadn't included Saren at all. Even if the Council took it seriously, it was not evidence that would sway them to revoke the turian's Spectre status. Though she wasn't being carted off to the psych ward, the vision had been labeled as "wild imaginings and reckless speculation" by the turian councilor and tossed to the side.

"It was a mistake bringing you into that hearing, Captain," Ambassador Udina barked at Anderson the minute they'd left the central platform. "You and Saren have too much history. It made the Council question our motives."

Shepard had assumed there was more to the relationship between her captain and the turian spectre than he'd let on. He'd carefully guarded his tone when he'd told her about Saren initially but the words said that his knowledge of the turian was more than just rumors through the grapevine.

"Whatever happened between the two of you, can it help us now?" she asked, desperately hoping he could give her something she could work with.

"It was a long time ago, but I know what he's like. He's working with the geth for one reason; to exterminate the entire human race! He needs to be stopped!" The captain's calm demeanor slipped.

"Get me something I can use then!" She raised her voice and threw her hand in the air. "We need to deal with Saren ourselves."

"What about Garrus, that C-Sec investigator?" Alenko's husky voice chimed in behind her, reminding her of the turian they'd met on the way in. They'd overheard him ask the executor of C-Sec to stall the Council because he was sure Saren was hiding something.

"Good idea," she nodded.

Udina and Anderson both offered their own suggestions. Udina gave her the name of a contact he had in C-Sec who might be able to help them track Garrus down. Anderson countered by suggesting an information broker, Barla Von, that may or may not be an agent for the elusive Shadow Broker. The C-Sec officer was a drunk and corrupt besides. Information from Barla Von might come at a cost but would be far more trustworthy. She wondered cynically if the Alliance would reimburse her for any funds the broker required as payment for the information. _Not likely._

As the ambassador and Anderson headed back to the embassy, Shepard weighed her options and pulled up a map of the Citadel. They were on the Presidium now and Barla Von's office was located in the financial district here. C-Sec's main office was here as well. However, there was a cab station just outside the council chambers that would take her anywhere she wanted to go, including the wards.

"Where to, ma'am?" Williams' hand hovered over the transport call.

"The lower wards," she decided. If Harkin couldn't give them what they needed, _then_ she would pay the information broker a visit.

The rapid transit car deposited them just down the hall from the seedy gentlemen's club known as Chora's Den. Even before the door to the club was in sight, Kaidan could hear the pumping bass of the music through the halls. He rubbed at his temples. Hopefully, the man they were going to see would cooperate and send them on their way quickly. If not, Kaidan was likely to be seeking out Dr. Chakwas for a migraine remedy.

"That's her," a voice rose above the din as two turians appeared on the other side of the bridge that spanned the transit lanes.

"Get down," Ashley knocked into the commander at the same time a crack of gunfire echoed through the structure.

The three of them pulled their weapons and returned fire. The assassins made good use of the safety walls that surrounded the deep drops. Kaidan flicked his hand, lifting one of them up in the air. The turian soared through the space, sailing into oncoming traffic. Horns blared as cars swerved to avoid the body.

"I'd wager these were Saren's men," Kaidan guessed as he holstered his weapon after the second turian went down.

"But how did they know we were coming here?" Ashley asked.

"Maybe they didn't," Kaidan offered. "Maybe there's something here worth protecting."

Shepard's eyes narrowed as she looked towards the door. "Guess we better find out what that is." She led them forward cautiously. The music had drowned out the sounds of the fire fight and continued still. When the door hissed open to reveal a normal, albeit unsavory, club, she straightened, hand dropping away from her pistol. "Fan out," she ordered them. "I want all exits covered, but be discrete. I'll go talk to Harkin."

Kaidan watched as the commander circled the bar for her quarry while he pondered how exactly they were supposed to be discrete. Shepard stood out in a crowd, even without her N7 armor. Add in the firepower they all carried and their little group was quite the spectacle. He glanced at Ashley, but she had apparently understood the order perfectly. She'd circled the opposite direction as Shepard, putting herself between the back of the club and the entrance. The chief sidled up to the bar, chatting with one of the scantily clad women behind it before ordering a drink. As he watched her, Kaidan realized she was barely sipping at the cocktail while she let her gaze wander the bar in lewd admiration, like a woman on the prowl.

He had never been into the club scene much himself. Too many lights, too much noise. He made his way to the opposite side of the room as Ashley, keeping Commander Shepard in his sights. She'd paused at a table on the far end of the room and was chatting with an older man with a receding hairline. Kaidan could make out the man's sneer from here. He dragged his gaze from her to an asari dancer nearby and leaned casually against the wall.

"Alenko," he heard a voice on his left. "Well, I'll be damned! It really _is_ you!"

A group of Alliance soldiers, recognizable by their military regulation haircuts, had just entered the bar. Kaidan had served with one of them on his last assignment. "Luttman, hey," Kaidan greeted the service chief.

"I thought you hated these places? Isn't that what you always told us when we begged you to go out with us?"

"Yeah, well, when in Rome," Kaidan forced a smile.

"You look like you're waiting for some action," Luttman grinned. Kaidan wasn't sure if he meant the gear or if he was referring to the dancer Kaidan had been feigning interest in. Before Kaidan could come up with a response, Luttman pointed across the bar. "Hey, isn't that Commander Shepard? The vids never highlighted what a nice ass she has," he whistled before his eyes went wide. "Oh, man, I'd heard she was cold but that's just cruel!"

Kaidan followed Luttman's wide eyed stare. Shepard's conversation with Harkin must not have been going well. She had the man's balls in a death grip as she leaned aggressively into his face. The man's sneer was gone, his face white with pain.

"I know she's supposed to be some kind of hero but, man, I would not want to work with her. Buddy of mine was stationed with her awhile back. Said she is one cold hearted bitch." Kaidan felt his temper start to soar at Luttman's words. The level of disrespect was disgraceful, especially towards one's superior. "Never bothered to get to know the rest of the crew, kept to herself. Judging by how she _does_ talk to people, I'd say he could count himself lucky." The man's face split back into a cocky grin. "Bet she's wild in the sack though."

Before Kaidan could respond, Luttman's face blanched. Shepard stalked in their direction even though there was no way she could have heard them from across the bar, not over the crowds and the music.

"Alenko, let's go." She didn't spare a second glance at the off-duty marine to his side. "We've got a date with a doctor." Luttman gaped open mouthed at the two of them as he realized he'd just been trash talking Commander Shepard to her squad member. Had he been within Kaidan's chain of command, Luttman would have been slapped with non-judicial punishment and restricted to his quarters for a few weeks. Kaidan could report the misconduct, of course, but he doubted Shepard needed anyone to fight her battles for her. Still, he had to resist the urge to put the man in a stasis bubble in the middle of the bar as he hurried after Shepard.

* * *

"Is that alcohol I smell on your breath, Chief?" Shepard glanced at Williams as they entered the lower markets on their way to the med clinic she'd been pointed towards. After some gentle persuasion, Harkin had told her that Garrus planned to follow up a lead and the clinic was his destination.

"Just a sip, ma'am. Was trying to be inconspicuous. Some jackass krogan knocked a drink on me in his rush out though. Bastard didn't even apologize." Shepard vacillated on whether to reprimand the chief for drinking while on duty or let it go. She _had_ told them to blend after all.

"Commander? Commander Shepard? Is that you? It _is_ you!" A blond man rushed towards them as they climbed the stairs to the upper wards. Shepard studied the man. She didn't recognize him but he certainly seemed to know her. She wondered briefly if he was one of her one-night stands. It wasn't like her to forget a face, no matter how unremarkable the performance. _No,_ she concluded. She'd never been on the Citadel before. _Maybe I met him somewhere else_? The Citadel certainly wasn't some backwater hole in the wall where you could expect to never run into anyone you knew. She was still trying to place him when he suddenly thrust a paper and pen at her chest.

"You…you want my autograph?" she stuttered as she stared down blankly at the parchment. She tried to wrap her mind around his request. _That's a new one._ She killed people for a living. What about that gave her celebrity status? "Get the hell out of here," she snapped at him. His face fell with disappointment for a moment before he took a step forward, his eyes glittering with anger. Three hands hovered over weapons, making the man think better of his approach.

"I think you broke his heart," Williams sniggered as the man marched away muttering angrily under his breath.

Shepard led them through the bustling markets as she followed the regularly spaced signs towards the clinic. The three of them came to a collective stop as they passed a large observation deck. Shepard gravitated towards it in awe. The arm of the wards stretched out far beyond them. The purple gas clouds of the nebula lingered around the tops of skyscrapers rising in the distance. With a soft gasp, Shepard realized that the tiny twinkling lights in the distance were actually transit cars en route to an almost limitless amount of destinations. The magnificent view from the deck rivaled what they'd seen approaching the station. It was beautiful.

"Big place." Alenko sounded as awed as she was.

"That your professional opinion, sir?" Williams needled the lieutenant.

"He's right, though," Shepard countered. "This isn't a station; it's a city."

"There must be millions here!"

"More than thirteen million I read somewhere," Shepard offered. "It's different seeing it up close like this."

"This makes Jump-Zero look like a porta-john. And it's the largest deep space station the Alliance has." Williams leaned out over the rail, staring at the masses moving around them.

"No wonder the Council treats us like outsiders," Shepard scoffed. "We'd just be another drop in a bucket they already can't carry."

"They must figure us for one more gang of FNGs looking for a handout," Williams agreed with a shake of her head. FNGs, the Alliance slang for 'fucking new guy'. It was true though. It hadn't even been twenty years since humans had earned an embassy on the Citadel and not much longer than that since they'd made contact with other species.

"I doubt it's personal," Alenko reasoned. "It's got be a balancing act, like every other government."

"I don't know, maybe they're jealous," Shepard found herself teasing. "We've got oceans, beautiful women, this emotion called love. According to the old vids, we have everything they want."

"When you put it that way, there's no reason they wouldn't like you. I mean, us. Humans. Ma'am," Alenko stumbled over his words and then ran his fingers nervously through his hair as he avoided her eyes.

"You don't take much shore leave, do you, LT?" Williams snorted. The lieutenant flushed a deep shade of red.

"Laugh it up, Chief," Shepard said with a half smile. Of their own volition, her eyes roved over the lieutenant's body. _His armor fits him well_ , she begrudgingly acknowledged. She jerked her gaze back up, delighted to still see the back of his head. "We're on duty here," she reprimanded him, her voice harsher than she really meant to cover up her own embarrassment. Suddenly, Shepard became acutely aware of the weight of Williams' stare. The chief was watching her, a twinkle in her brown eyes. "Let's move," Shepard barked, eager to get moving before anyone else said anything stupid.


	7. Chapter 7

A few hours later, Shepard stood back in Udina's office with the evidence they needed against Saren. She'd managed to pick up a turian, a krogan, and a quarian along the way. She also might have caused a slight bit of damage in the lower wards, but she had the evidence. If the situation weren't so serious, she almost could have laughed. It sounded like the start of a bad joke.

Ambassador Udina certainly wasn't laughing. In fact, he hadn't even bothered to turn around before he started yelling at her."Firefights in the wards? An all out assault on Chora's Den?"

"You can't expect a girl not to defend herself," Shepard simpered while resisting the urge to flip the bird at the ambassador's back.

"Do you know how many—" Udina's voice trailed off as he turned and caught sight of the quarian they'd rescued from another set of Saren's assassins. His lip curled briefly into disgust at the sight of their guest before his face smoothed back into his politician's visage. "Who's this? A quarian? What are you up to, Shepard?"

Shepard sucked in a deep breath and clenched her fists before answering. Short nails bit into her palms, bleeding away an ounce of her frustration. "This quarian can help us bring down Saren. I would've told you that if you hadn't jumped down my throat."

Udina glared at her but stopped short of continuing his tirade. With a softer voice, he urged Tali' Zorah nar Rayya to share what she had found. Tali explained how she had trailed a patrol of geth and then ambushed a single unit when it became separated from the rest. Her familiarity with the synthetics—her people were the ones who had created the geth in the first place—had allowed partial recovery of the geth's memory core. The core contained information so dangerous, and valuable, that Tali had known that she needed to get it to the authorities and seek safety. Unfortunately, trust placed in the wrong hands had led to a double cross by a skeezy thug named Fist and an attempt on her life by assassins.

"This is the information they didn't want anyone to hear." Tali activated her omni-tool and pulled up the audio log to share.

"Eden Prime was a major victory," Saren's voice filled the office. Shepard balled her hands into fists at his words. _Slaughtering a colony is a major victory?_ "The beacon has brought us one step closer to finding the Conduit."

"This proves he was involved in the attack!" Anderson pulled his thankful gaze from Tali and slammed a fist into his other palm, his mood mirroring what Shepard was feeling. _We have that son of a bitch now!_

"He said Eden Prime brought him one step closer to finding the Conduit. Any idea what that means?" Shepard voiced her confusion out loud. No one responded for a moment before Anderson posited that it could be some kind of weapon. It was clear that it was just a guess but, given Anderson's speculation that Saren intended to wipe out humanity, it was as good a guess as any.

"Wait," Tali interrupted. "There's more. Saren wasn't working alone." She tapped the keys on her omni-tool to replay the sound file. Again, Saren's voice cheered the destruction of Eden Prime.

A few seconds later, another voice, female this time, responded. "And one step closer to the return of the Reapers." The room filled with silence when the recording ended. Not even Udina, with all of his connections, knew who the second voice belonged to.

"Okay, we don't know what the Conduit is. What about the Reapers? Any clue what _they_ are?" Shepard asked as she pinched the bridge of her nose. Sure, they might have proved Saren's involvement in the attack but this recording was giving them more questions than answers.

"According to the memory core, the Reapers were a hyper-advanced machine race that existed fifty-thousand years ago," Tali shared. "The Reapers hunted the Protheans to total extinction, and then they vanished. At least, that's what the geth believe."

Udina crossed his arms over his chest and scoffed. "Sounds a little far-fetched."

Shepard's mind drifted to the vision from the Prothean beacon. Machines, slaughter, death. It all made a little more sense. It wasn't a vision of the future. It was a reminder of what had already happened, a warning for those who came after. She shook her head. "No, she's right. That's what the vision was trying to tell me. I saw the Protheans being wiped out by the Reapers."

"The geth revere the Reapers as gods, the pinnacle of non-organic life," Tali offered. "And they believe Saren knows how to bring the Reapers back."

"The Council is just going to love this," Udina groaned.

Shepard shook her head as she rolled her eyes. "They won't believe you anyway." If her prior meeting with the councilors told her anything, it was that they'd believe nothing unless they'd seen it for themselves. The proof against Saren was one thing; they would have to act on that with the evidence staring them in the face. However, she was certain that to the councilors, her vision would still be nothing more than the dreams of a frenzied human.

"We have to tell them," Anderson interjected. "Even if they don't believe anything else, this proves Saren is a traitor!"

"Anderson and I will go ahead and get things ready with the Council. Take some time to collect yourselves and then meet us in the Tower," Udina ordered as he marched out the door, Anderson at his side.

* * *

Kaidan listened as Tali offered her assistance to Shepard. He had to admit, the quarian had impressive tech skills.

"I'll take all the help I can get, but it's not my call. Let me meet with the Council and then talk to the captain." Shepard compromised. "There are a few others waiting to hear from me as well. Give me a link to your tool and I'll get a message to you after the meeting. We can discuss it then." Tali nodded and the two programmed their respective comm links into their omni-tools before Tali slipped quietly from the room.

"Are you really thinking about letting aliens on board the Normandy?" Ashley stared at Shepard in incredulous disbelief. In turn, Kaidan stared at Ashley. That _alien_ had just given them the proof they needed to convict Saren of slaughtering a human colony. She'd required nothing in exchange for the sound file and had asked to come along to help take down a rogue Spectre, at the expense of her own, personal pilgrimage. Not to mention, aiding the Alliance on this mission would likely endanger her life more than it already had.

"If it were up to me, yes," Shepard narrowed her eyes at the chief. "We have no idea what resources the Council will give us. It would be foolish to turn down any help offered to us." Ashley opened her mouth, probably to argue, and then closed it again, responding only with a nod. Shepard watched her, waiting to see if she'd change her mind and say something. When she didn't, Shepard added, "Now that that's settled, let's get over to the Tower."

By the time they arrived, the ambassador was already presenting the evidence to the Council. The group hurried up the steps and joined him on the narrow platform that extended over a glassed park below them. The recording played loudly in the chamber, echoing through the large room. Saren's holo was nowhere in sight. Kaidan wondered if the Spectre had declined to be present during the presentation or if the Council had even informed him that they would be revisiting the charges. Not that it mattered. The assassins who had been after Tali had clearly been working for Saren, meaning the Spectre knew there was evidence against him. Meaning he had even more of a head start in eluding justice once the Council found him guilty.

And, to Kaidan's immense relief, the Council did find Saren guilty. After all, as the turian councilor had said, the evidence was irrefutable. The asari councilor had also shared a valuable piece of information of her own. The second voice in the recording belonged to Matriarch Benezia, a powerful asari biotic. All was going smoothly until the Reapers were mentioned.

"I tried to warn you about Saren, and you refused to face the truth. Don't make the same mistake again." Shepard berated the Council for their lack of faith. Not a single one of them believed that the Reapers were real. Rather, they assumed that the mythical machines were a lie being used by Saren so he could bend the geth to his will and thus further his true, yet unrevealed, purpose. Nothing Shepard said could convince them otherwise.

Udina got back to the matter at hand. "You know Saren is hiding somewhere in the Traverse! Send your fleet in!" When the salarian councilor shook his head, Udina pressed on. "A Citadel fleet could secure the entire region! Keep the geth from attacking anymore of our colonies!"

"Or it could trigger a war with the Terminus Systems," the turian councilor argued. "We won't be dragged into a galactic confrontation over a few dozen human colonies." From the corner of his eye, Kaidan saw Ashley step forward, hands balled at her sides. He turned to her slightly and shook his head. She glared at him but fell back. No matter how insensitive the councilor's words were, it would do them no good to argue.

"Every time humanity asks for help, you ignore us," Shepard protested.

"Shepard's right," Udina shouted. "I'm sick of this council and it's anti-human bull—" Throughout the council chambers, gasps could be heard from the audience galleries. Kaidan swallowed a groan. As much as he disagreed with the Council, trying to force and browbeat them into siding with humanity was not the best way to foster good relations between their races. _Udina, of all people, should know that._

"Ambassador," the asari councilor's voice cut off Udina's swear. "There is another solution. A way to stop Saren that does not require fleets or armies."

"No! It's too soon!" the turian councilor disagreed, shaking his head vehemently. "Humanity is not ready for the responsibilities that come with joining the Spectres."

From his position behind her, just to her right, Kaidan could just make out Shepard's face in profile as she dropped her eyes to the floor for a minute. Her body expanded and contracted with a deep breath and then her head was back up as she strode to the edge of the platform. "It was a turian who betrayed this Council. And it was a human who exposed him! Humanity has _earned_ this."

A moment of silence descended over the chambers. The councilors turned to each other and wordlessly worked to reach a consensus. From the petitioners platform far below, it was hard to make out exactly what was happening but even from afar, Kaidan could see the final, resigned nod of the turian councilor. Three sets of hands keyed in something on their consoles and then three sets of eyes looked down at Shepard before beckoning her forward. A shiver rippled over his body as Kaidan realized he was about to witness a defining moment in history.

"It is the decision of the Council that you be granted all the powers and privileges of the Special Tactics and Reconnaissance branch of the Citadel." The asari councilor's voice rang out through the room, silencing the hushed whispers of the audience.

The salarian councilor added, "Spectres are not trained, but chosen. Individuals forged in the fire of service and battle; those whose actions elevate them above the rank and file."

"Spectres are an ideal, a symbol," the asari continued. "The embodiment of courage, determination, and self-reliance. They are the right hand of the Council, instruments of our will." Shepard's shoulders tensed and Kaidan could see her jaw tighten but she remained quiet.

"Spectres bear a great burden. They are protectors of galactic peace, both our first and last line of defense. The safety of the galaxy is theirs to uphold." The turian councilor's voice did not waver or pause, despite his obvious reservations about the decision.

After the brief ceremony concluded, the councilors gave Shepard her orders. She was to go into the Traverse after Saren and was authorized to use any means necessary to apprehend or eliminate him. Any relevant data or files the Council found would be forwarded to Shepard as it became available. With the meeting adjourned, the councilors filed from the room quickly, the audience drifting away as well until it was only the five of them left on the platform. Udina departed with barely a nod at Shepard and dragged Anderson with him yet again, this time to go figure out the logistics of Shepard's new appointment.

As the initial awe wore off, Kaidan's shoulders sagged with the knowledge that Shepard's mission had just changed substantially. He'd been looking forward to working with the Commander but now she was no longer strictly Alliance. _Just how individually do Spectres operate?_

"Not even a thank you from the ambassador," Ashley scoffed.

"Did you honestly expect one from that man?" Shepard stared at Udina's retreating robes. "I've got some personal business to take care of. You two take a break. I'll send you a message when I need you to return to the ship."

"You got it, Commander," Ashley said.

Kaidan paused, wanting to offer something to Shepard—congratulations, encouragement, something—but he couldn't find the right thing to say. Shepard watched him expectantly, her eyebrow raised ever so slightly, but his tongue felt glued to the roof of his mouth. He grasped his right wrist to prevent it from running through his hair—a gesture he knew he did often when frustrated—and offered Shepard a tight lipped smile instead. Then, with a final look back, he followed Ashley down the many sets of staircases and left Shepard standing alone in the middle of the council chambers.

* * *

Shepard watched Alenko and Williams board a cab and then she breathed a sigh of relief. She needed a minute to herself to process everything that had just happened. She glanced around and located a bench in an out of the way corner of the Tower. She would have preferred to head to a bar to get something to drink but bars were popular places for soldiers with time to spare. She didn't want to run the risk of running into one of her crew and being congratulated and forced to make small talk. She had no doubt news would spread like wildfire. Someone had probably recorded the entire ceremony on their omni-tool and were uploading it to the extranet at the very moment.

The first human Spectre. She should be honored. It was a great achievement, both personally, and for the whole of humanity. But she would have turned it down in a heartbeat if she had had the option to. Before Eden Prime, she could have.

Accepting the title seemed like the only course of action she could take if she wanted to stop Saren. The Council certainly wasn't willing to bring him to justice on their own. No fleets, no armies, not even a seasoned Spectre sent after him. Instead, they'd offered to induct her into the Spectres as a way to placate the humans and then expected her to turn around and thank them for it.

Without doubt, Saren needed to be stopped. It didn't matter what his motives were. While preventing him from ushering in the race of machines that had wiped the Protheans from existence was the goal, Shepard reached the conclusion that Saren needed to be stopped before she'd ever heard the word 'reaper'. All she'd needed to know about Saren was that Nihlus trusted him enough to turn his back on an armed man in the middle of a war zone, and Saren had shot him. No matter how poorly she had known Nihlus or how much she hadn't liked or trusted him, anyone who would kill a friend in cold blood deserved whatever misery they got. She would make sure to deliver that misery, personally.

 _Okay, enough sitting._ It wouldn't do to dwell on the things she couldn't change. She'd accepted her Spectre status, now she had to live with it.

She hadn't even made it out of the Tower before she was approached by those who wished to make use of her new position. Missing marines, missing privateers, a salarian with a bug problem. As she listened to each of their problems, she forced herself to breathe slowly and count to ten in her head. Her irritation was with the Council, not these people in genuine need of help. Well, most of them. The bug guy's issue was pretty far down on the list of 'possible deadly problems'. Still, it was no small relief when she finally slipped into the blissfully empty elevator.

As she leaned against the back wall and waited for the impossibly long ride back to the Presidium level, Shepard pulled up her omni-tool. A positive note in this whole mess was that she'd been cleared to access the special Spectre requistions. The standard Alliance sniper rifle she'd been issued could get the job done but if she could get her hands on a Punisher or—she swallowed a moan at the thought—a Volkov…

One of her favorite courses in ICT had been advanced weapons training. Everyone in the Alliance was taught how to maintain the issued weapons. They were tested on their ability to field strip and reassemble each firearm as well as being given extensive proficiency training. But in ICT, cadets had been given the opportunity to test other weapons, ones the Alliance didn't use. There may be instances where you lost your weapon in the field or had to go into a situation unarmed and find a weapon later. For that, all of them needed to be at least somewhat familiar with different models. Her class had even had the opportunity to test out weapons that were still in development.

In her opinion, the Volkov was the one of the best sniper rifles on the market right now. She hadn't used one since the ICT course but she'd loved the feel of it in her hands. The Alliance was a stickler for using the gear assigned to you, even if there was something better on the free market. Now that she was, at least somewhat, outside the Alliance's chain of command, she would have more freedom to choose the gear that worked best for her.

She groaned as she looked at her credit chit balance. She barely had enough money to purchase the materials to upgrade her Kessler's heat sinks. _Guess a new sniper rifle will have to wait_.

Shepard held out hope that news of her spectre status hadn't yet spread like wildfire but, as she maneuvered her way through the Citadel, that hope evaporated. The Presidium, the Wards; everywhere she turned, someone needed her help. Her new Spectre status was well-spread throughout the Citadel. When her omni-tool beeped with a message from Udina demanding her presence, she actually almost sighed in relief.

Shepard passed under the large arch that led into the embassy's reception room. The room was still busy but her eyes immediately riveted on to two familiar sets of armor occupying black lounge chairs. Alenko hunched over his omni-tool while Williams leaned forward on her knees, her eyes flitting around to the different groups of aliens dotting the room. Both of them looked up as the soft thump of Shepard's boots on the cool tiles announced her presence.

"Hey, Commander," Alenko looked up from his wrist and smiled warmly at her. For one second, Shepard forgot what had brought her to this place as she stared into the depths of his gaze. An unfamiliar emotion coursed through her veins; something paralleled to lust and yet so different that it was too foreign for her to place.

"Alenko, Williams," she nodded to them each in turn, calm on the outside while she desperately tried to shove the unwelcome feelings back in the pandora's box they had escaped from. "We probably shouldn't keep the ambassador waiting."

* * *

"You can't be serious," Shepard gawked at Udina ten minutes later. "The Normandy is Anderson's ship. You can't just—"

"You needed your own ship and the Normandy is the best ship for the job," Anderson cut her off. "A Spectre can't answer to anyone but the Council so it was time for me to step down. Plus, you know the crew already."

The announcement came as no surprise to Kaidan or Ashley; not this time anyway. Shortly after Shepard had dismissed them, the Normandy's crew had been summoned to the ship for a meeting with their captain. Anderson had offered them all the chance to request a reassignment. The mission would be dangerous, more so than the original mission they'd all been selected for. Anderson reminded them that they had each of them had been handpicked for a reason and brought strength to the team, but the mission parameters had changed. If they wanted off the ship, this was their chance to leave. Anderson wasn't going to force any of them on an unorthodox mission. Those who chose to stay needed to be committed one hundred percent.

Not a single person aboard the Normandy had stepped forward.

"I won't let you down, sir," Shepard promised. Kaidan could hear the determination in those six words and, once again, the excitement to continue serving alongside of her trilled through his body.

"And Shepard, just because you're a Spectre now and don't answer directly to the Alliance, don't forget that your actions still reflect on humanity as a whole," Udina reminded her. "You make a mess and I get stuck cleaning it up."

"I'll take care of Saren. You take care of the political fallout," Shepard answered with a straight face.

Ashley dropped her eyes to the tops of her boots and pressed her lips tightly together to hide her smile. Kaidan wondered if Shepard really meant her words or if she was just being flippant with the easily agitated ambassador. _Meant it,_ he decided _._ In the short time he'd been under her command, he'd learned that she didn't always do things by the book. She played loose with the rules when she deemed it necessary and she got results. If pushed, she forged her own path. He expected that's what it was going to take to bring Saren in but it also worried him. He ignored the uneasy feeling in the pit of his stomach and set his memories of Commander Vyrnnus aside. Unlike Vyrnnus, Shepard seemed to really care, even if she tried to hide it. There was no reason to think this mission would turn into another Brain Camp.


	8. Chapter 8

Shepard stood outside the airlock that led to the Normandy. _My own ship._ It was hard to believe. Her only experience as an XO had been the mission to Eden Prime and now she was commanding the most advanced ship in the Alliance fleet.

Before returning to the docking bay, she'd contacted the three aliens who'd helped her get this far. Well, the two of them who'd helped and Wrex. Garrus had been instrumental in finding out about Tali and Tali's data had been the key to everything. Shepard had thought long and hard about whether to bring Wrex on board, especially given his anger with her after she'd brought the three of them up to speed on what had happened since she'd last seen them.

"What do you mean, you let Fist go?" Wrex had yelled at her.

"How exactly are those words confusing?" she'd snapped back. Wrex had lumbered forward until his face was inches from hers. She hadn't budged. She had known he'd been trying to intimidate her and she would be damned if she'd let him get away with it. Her fingers had hovered over her pistol while Tali and Garrus watched uneasily.

"Back off cuttlebone," Wrex growled at Garrus as the turian had stepped forward to try to lend a hand. Shepard wondered if there were any races in the galaxy that the turians _hadn_ _'t_ pissed off at some point. Wrex turned back to Shepard. "The Shadow Broker paid me to kill him. I don't leave jobs half done."

That was her chance to send Wrex on his way. Instead, she'd decided that a formidable krogan battlemaster would be better as an ally. Hopefully, he'd play well with the others. _If not, there_ _'s always the airlock._

"Well, this one, you do," she'd laid it out for him. "Unless you'd rather stay here and try to track down Fist instead." Wrex wasn't happy with her but Saren had crossed the Shadow Broker too. Catching him might be a bigger coup for the mercenary.

"Logged: the commanding officer is aboard," the Normandy's VI announced as the decontamination sequence finished and the door opened to the ship's interior. _The VI means me,_ Shepard realized as she stepped into the dimly lit corridor.

"Hey, Commander. Or is it Spectre now?" Joker spun in his chair to greet her.

"Commander, first and foremost," she crossed into the cockpit to stand at the side of his chair. "Let's get out of here."

"Where to?"

"I'm still working that part out," Shepard admitted to him. "Captain Anderson should be the one in charge. It's like I'm stealing the ship from him."

"Yeah, the captain got screwed," Joker shrugged. "But it's not like you could have stopped it. Nobody's blaming you. Everyone on this ship is behind you, Commander. One hundred percent."

Shepard swallowed past a sudden lump in her throat. She'd barely had a chance to work with any of these people but they believed in her regardless. "The captain gave up everything so I could have this chance. We _can_ _'t_ fail."

Shepard made her way through the ship to gather integral members of the team. Anderson had advised her to not even bother looking for Saren and instead suggested putting all her efforts into finding the Conduit first. The vision hadn't been exactly clear so she had no clue where to start. The information Udina had provided her gave her some clues but there were a few and they were spread throughout the galaxy.

"Okay, here's what I know," she said as they all took their seats around the table. "Our colony on Feros reported geth forces in the area and then dropped out of contact. There have been sightings around Noveria too. And Udina gave me the name of Benezia's daughter, who was last reported to be on a dig site somewhere in the Artemis Tau cluster." She looked around the room at the serious faces. "It's not a lot to go on. I want to hear your opinions."

Williams was the first to speak up. "I say we head to Feros, ma'am. It sounds like the colony is in trouble. If it's anything like Eden Prime, they'll need us."

"I agree with the human," Wrex slammed his fist on the table. "Sounds like a good fight."

"I don't like the implication of Noveria being involved," Garrus rested his elbows on the table and clasped his hands together. When Shepard stared at him blankly, he added, "It's outside Citadel space and not subject to Council laws. Not a favorite among C-Sec officers. If they can't tie it up in red tape, they hate it. If the geth are there…"

"It might be related to the Conduit," Tali finished his thought. "One of my people spent time there working with one of the private corporations. There's a lot of research and it's all kept very secret. Who knows what some of those companies might be working on?"

Shepard turned to Alenko to hear his opinion. He was leaning on one elbow, the back of his head resting in one hand while his eyes focused on the table top.

"I don't think hair boy has an opinion," Wrex snorted as the silence stretched on.

Alenko leaned back and looked up at the group. "I'm just considering the options. I think finding Dr. T'soni is the best place to start." Williams' mouth opened in protest but Shepard held up her hand to let Alenko continue. "Feros is already silent. Those reports were from a few days ago. We don't know if there's anyone left. But we have a good idea of where this Dr. T'soni is. If we don't find her now, she could move on and we'd never know where to look."

Shepard nodded. "He's got a point. She's the most solid lead we have and a direct connection to Matriach Benezia and, in turn, Saren." She saw a faint smile on Alenko's face before he dropped his gaze back down again. "I'll have Joker set a course for the Artemis Tau cluster. I'm going up to scour over the galaxy map and see if I can narrow down which planet looks the most likely for an archaeological dig. I'm sure Williams and Alenko will be happy to help the rest of you get settled in."

* * *

Shepard's retreating footsteps faded away as she disappeared around the corner and climbed the staircase to the CIC. The rest of them sat and stared at each other in silence. Krogans hated turians, turians hated humans, everyone seemed to hate quarians. It was awkward, at best.

"Hair boy?" Kaidan turned to Wrex and said the first thing that popped into his head.

Wrex narrowed his eyes at Kaidan. "It's as good a name as any, for a human. Have a problem with it, hair boy?"

From his spot across the table from her, Kaidan could see Ashley bristle. "Maybe _I_ have a problem with it, you overgrown turtle. _Maybe_ we should settle this the old-fashioned way," she added as she cracked her knuckles. Kaidan's eyes widened and he shook his head at her. He didn't need her fighting on his behalf, especially over something that didn't bother him in the first place. She ignored him and continued to stare at Wrex.

"I like you, human," Wrex chuckled, the sound a deep bass echoing in his large chest, as he slapped the table in amusement. Ashley's brow furrowed as she tilted her head and watched him.

"The ship is impressive," Garrus spoke up. "I'd heard of it but seeing it myself is something else. It combines the best of Alliance technology and turian engineering. Shows what we're capable of if we work together."

"We all know what happens when the turians work with other races. Just look at my people," Wrex growled.

"The ship is incredible!" Tali leaned back in her chair, arms spread wide as her head turned to each side to take in the view. Wrex leaned against the table and glared at Garrus but otherwise let Tali continue, effectively ending the budding argument. "It's nothing like any of the ships we have in the flotilla."

"I could take you down to the engine room, if you'd like," Kaidan offered. If Tali thought the mess deck was impressive, he couldn't wait to see what she thought when she saw the drive core.

"Really?" Though her face was well hidden behind her mask, Kaidan could tell her face was lit with excitement.

"Sure. Our engineer loves talking ship tech and I think he's already gone over all of it with me a dozen times. He'll be excited to have someone new to talk to." Kaidan gestured to the others to follow him. "I should show you all your gear lockers anyway."

"I don't think we'll all fit in here together," Garrus eyed the elevator suspiciously as the door opened.

Kaidan laughed. "No, probably not. It's just one level down, nothing else to choose from."

The others stepped aside and let Kaidan and Tali board first. After some glaring, Wrex squeezed onto the elevator with them. Just the three of them were a tight fit. No way they could have fit Garrus and Ashley on as well. Kaidan only hoped that Ash was marginally nicer to the turian than she had been to Wrex. Those two were an explosion primed to blow.

* * *

"Hitting the mass relay now, Commander," Joker's voice came over the comm system. Shepard stared down at the galaxy map and watched as it updated their location in real time. They'd arrived in the Artemis Tau cluster but there were multiple systems within the cluster and now she had to decide where to go from there.

Four systems within the cluster. Four options that, as far as her map was concerned, were all possible choices. The map notated that each system had multiple planets but, other than that, there was surprisingly little information about what awaited them.

Shepard had a good memory, at least when it came to useful knowledge. She could tell you the velocity of rounds fired from a multitude of weapons. Name the scale of boom you wanted and Shepard could tell you which ingredients you would need, and in what proportions you'd need them, to achieve the explosion without missing a beat. The various details regarding planets she'd never been to and learned about in theory over a decade ago? Vanished.

The archaeologist could be long gone before they even found the dig site if Shepard had them searching the entire cluster blindly. _My first mission and I_ _'m already screwing it up before we've even really started. I have no idea what I'm even looking for._

"Fuck," she muttered.

"Problem, Commander?" Navigator Pressly looked up from his console on her left.

"You'd think we would have more solid information on all these systems without having to enter them," she sighed and rubbed at the back of her neck. "It's like trying to find a Prothean needle in a galaxy sized haystack."

"Why don't you let me take a look at those, Commander?" Pressly offered. "It's been a long couple of days and you look like you could use some sleep."

 _When was the last time I slept?_ If she didn't count the forced unconsciousness courtesy of the beacon, it had been just before Eden Prime. So much had happened since then, it was hard to believe it had really only been a couple of days. It didn't matter. There was work to do. She could sleep once the course was set.

A yawn threatened to give her away. She hid her eyes behind her hand and sighed through it before answering her XO. "I'll figure it out, Pressly." She waved him away with a flick of her hand and hoped she had disguised the exhaustion she felt well enough to fool him.

"I have no doubt about that, ma'am." He appeared at her side. "But we all have our jobs to do. Navigating is mine. Yours is leading the team once we get there. You can't do that if you're exhausted."

"I suppose you're right," she yawned again, this time without bothering to hide it, as she looked at him gratefully. "I'll be in the cockpit. Wake me once you've narrowed the search down."

Shepard could go to the captain's quarters but it didn't feel right. She hadn't even moved her things from her locker yet and wasn't ready to claim the space as hers just yet. Not until she proved that she could do this. Instead, she made her way to Joker's domain and settled into the hard co-pilot's chair.

"You have a big, cozy bed and you're going to nap up here with me? I'm touched, really," Joker shook his head as she slumped further in the chair and tried to find a comfortable position. He cocked his head with a furrowed brow and surveyed her carefully. "You don't snore, do you?"

"You'll have to tell me." She waggled her eyebrows and smirked at him before tucking her face into the crook of her elbow.

"Great," he snorted.

It seemed the pilot was shaking her awake only a few seconds later. "Commander, you still alive over there?"

"Go away," she mumbled and tried to curl further into herself.

His hand shook her again, more insistent this time. She slapped at him, cracking her palm against his knuckles.

"Ow, shit!" Joker pulled his hand back and stared down at his fingers.

"You poor, delicate flower," she groaned and scrubbed at her eyes, trying to rub away the sandpaper scratchiness of sleep.

She could barely make out the words he muttered under his breath. "You have no idea."

"What is it?" she finally grumbled and pushed herself to her feet.

"We've entered the Knossos system and are en route to Therum. Figured you'd want a chance to wake up before the drop."

"How long was I out?"

Joker glanced at the console and then back at her. "About three hours."

"Thanks." She turned and headed back to the CIC, stopping to pause in the doorway. "So, do I snore?"

"No, but you drool." His laugh followed her stomping feet down into the CIC.

"Commander, glad you got some rest," Pressly greeted her as she joined him at the map.

"Joker said we're on our way to Therum? I thought I said to wake me when you had something." So soon after waking, she had trouble hiding the annoyance in her voice. It was one thing to accept his knowledge but he was undermining her authority if he made the decisions for her. _How will the crew respect me if I can_ _'t even decide where to point the ship?_

"After refreshing myself on the cluster's details, Therum was the only planet that met your parameters," he explained. "It's an Alliance claimed planet that's rich in minerals. Lots of Prothean ruins, though mostly all of them were scavenged by the mining companies years ago. As the only choice, it made no sense to wake you until we approached the planet."

"Thanks Pressly," she acknowledged that he was correct with a sigh before bending over the map to pull up imaging of the planet. From the aerial map, it looked like it was lots of long narrow paths winding around rivers of lava. _Great. It_ _'s going to be hot as fuck._

"Commander, I'm picking up some strange readings," Joker's voice came over the comm system. "Really strange. Like off the damn charts. It looks like it's coming from an underground complex."

"That can't be a coincidence. How close can you get us to that complex Joker?"

"A few klicks at best. Not many areas suitable for a drop zone."

"Alright, get us as close as you can. I'll get suited up."

Fully awake now with the anticipation of combat, Shepard hurried down the stairs and took the elevator to the cargo bay. While she waited on the slow lift, she stretched her muscles and tried to decide who would be best suited for the mission. The Mako couldn't hold them all. Shepard wondered if biotic ability was genetic in the asari. Benezia was a powerful biotic, meaning her daughter might be as well. _Best take Alenko to help counter any biotic attacks._

The elevator door opened and revealed most of the newly assembled team already present below. Williams was hunched over the weapons table, meticulously cleaning her assault rifle while Vakarian fiddled with something on the Mako. Wrex leaned against the wall and surveyed the others with an indifferent scowl. Wrex would probably be the best compliment to the team - his combat proficiency and biotic capabilities would evenly round out the skills she and Alenko were already bringing to the field. Shepard wasn't ready to have the foul-tempered krogan at her back though. This was too important a mission and the krogan was volatile. She had no clue what might set him off.

Her eyes were drawn back to the turian. Vakarian was a good shot. When she'd tracked him down on the Citadel, he'd put a round clean through a merc's head without so much as nicking the hostage. Dr. Michel had been noticeably shaken by the entire encounter but she was also alive and unharmed. Not many people could have, or if they could _would_ have, taken the shot.

"Vakarian, can you handle an AR as well as you did your sniper rifle?" she asked. Garrus nodded. "Good, suit up and meet us in the Mako. We're dropping in ten."


	9. Chapter 9

"This was a fucking waste of time." Shepard pushed herself angrily from the console she'd been leaning on. She'd taken a team through the molten pits of hell filled with homicidal machines only to end up with nothing. Benezia's daughter knew zip about the Conduit or how to find it and claimed she hadn't spoken to her mother in years, leaving the entire mission a dead end.

"Wait, Commander!" Dr. T'Soni's wide grey eyes opened even wider. "Saren might try another attempt on my life. I'd feel safer if you let me stay on your ship. Besides, my knowledge of the Protheans might prove useful later."

"That's a hell of an if, considering you know absolutely nothing useful right now," Shepard scoffed.

"Her biotics will come in handy when the fighting starts," Garrus offered from his seat across the room.

Shepard crossed her arms over her chest and glared at the turian. "Oh, will they? Were you not there when she cowered behind a wall and let us do all the fighting?" And that was _after_ they had freed the archaeologist from the containment field. Liara said she had spent fifty years studying the Protheans but had managed to get herself trapped behind one of their biotic barriers with no way out. Shepard was seriously questioning the young asari's competence.

"I am sorry for that. I was—whoa." Liara's hand went to her head. "I am feeling a bit light headed."

Alenko's medical training kicked in. "When was the last time you ate? Or slept? Dr. Chakwas should take a look at you."

Liara looked from the lieutenant to Shepard apprehensively. "I…It is probably just mental exhaustion. I am sure I just need time to process all this."

"Go let Dr. Chakwas get a look at you. Welcome to the team," Shepard forced out as evenly as she could. "The rest of you…dismissed."

"Mission reports are filed, Commander," Joker's voice filled the comm room as the rest of the team filed out. "Want me to patch you through to the Council?"

 _Fuck no_ , she thought as she pinched the bridge of her nose before shoving her hair back from her face _._ "Patch them through," was what she actually replied.

Ten minutes later, with the Council's insinuations reinforcing the feeling that she had no idea what she was doing, Shepard made her way to her locker by the sleeper pods. Unwilling to move into her new room until now, her belongings still resided in the small, metal storage space. Even after her nap up in the cockpit, Shepard was exhausted and couldn't put off moving any longer. Not unless she wanted to clue her crew in to how much the new room assignment weighed on her and she would be damned if she was going to do that.

The ship was in night cycle so the corridors were dark and empty. Her ragtag team had dispersed quickly and were nowhere to be seen as she made her way from the comm room behind the CIC down to the mess deck. She absently wondered where Alenko had situated the new additions who wouldn't fit in the pods that were already tight for some humans.

She carried her belongings into the, by ship standards, large room and dumped them unceremoniously onto the double bed, not bothering to retrieve the credit chit pad that slid under it. She had nothing to buy and little money to spend so she could get it later. The still full bottle of tequila landed atop a set of civvies for any off-duty shore trips and a comfy pair of Alliance sweatpants that were threadbare but her favorite. Shepard shoved her hand in the pile and rooted around the clothing for a minute until her hands grasped the rough fabric of her hygiene kit. With it in hand, she scooped up the sweatpants and a simple white tank top and headed for the showers.

As the hot water hit her aching muscles, Shepard cursed the five minute time limit. The heat soothed away the throbbing pain from the day's combat, at least momentarily. She closed her eyes, luxuriating in the feel of the water sluicing down her body. If she wasn't restricted by water rations, she would have sunk to the smooth tiles and leaned back against the cool wall of the stall as she let the steam rise and fill the room in a whirl of white and heat. Instead, she rushed through the motions, quickly raking conditioner through the gnarled tendrils of her hair.

When the water tapered off, Shepard emerged reluctantly from the shower and toweled herself dry before slipping into her clothes. Barefoot, she padded from the restrooms towards the captain's quarters. _My quarters_ , she reminded herself. It was still hard getting used to thinking of the room as hers.

The door to the room slid open with a whispered hiss and she crossed quickly to the bed after she deposited her dirty things in the corner. All of her belongings still sat scattered across the foot of the mattress. She moved the glass bottle to the desk and swept everything else to the floor with a swipe of her arm. _With this much space, might as well use it._ Shepard didn't think she had the energy to move everything into the various drawers they should belong to. The clothes puddled in a heap beside the bed and she heard the telltale clatter of an ammo mod rolling across the metal floor. _Tomorrow,_ she thought sleepily as she pulled the stark white sheet down.

The bed was large and foreign. Shepard had never had a bed like this to herself. Certainly not on Earth with the Reds. The barracks racks on stationary postings were narrow and thin, and uncomfortable as hell. The sleeper pods on ships were tightly confined and only slightly tilted which was an overall odd sleeping experience. The closest she could say she'd come were the semi-comfortable beds in the 3 star rated motels she usually stayed at during shore leave. With the scratchy polyester duvets and lumpy mattresses, the bigger size of those motel beds made little difference in the sleep experience.

This bed though was something else. It was large enough for two people to sleep spread out comfortably or three marines to sleep tight, something they were all used to. When she slid between the sheets, the smooth fabric caressed her skin, unlike the coarse blankets that came standard issue. She pulled the thick comforter up to her chin and shut her eyes against the dim light of the terminal screen.

The minute that she closed her eyes, Shepard's thoughts went wandering into the shadowy corners of her brain where she tried to keep all of her doubts tucked away. She shifted to her right side on the bed and tucked an arm under her pillow as she wondered whether she'd been wise letting Wrex join their group. Not long after, Shepard rolled again, this time to her left, and pulled her knees to her chest. Bringing Liara on board was even more risky. _She could be working with Benezia. The young archaeologist seems too naive and innocent to be a double agent but perhaps that_ _'s what would make her best suited for the job_. Liara could easily be the bigger threat of the two.

Shepard huffed out a breath of air and turned over on her stomach, shoving both arms under the pillow as she buried her face in the puff of down. Saren was the real threat. _Do we really have any chance to catch him?_ The Council's insistence of tangible proof had cost them precious time. As if Saren hadn't already had enough of a head start, given that the disgraced Spectre seemed to know what he was looking for. _What if I fuck everything up? How many more people will die when I fail?_

With a groan, Shepard shoved the tangled comforter from her sweaty limbs and flipped to her back again. She'd thought she was tired enough to avoid this semi-regular pattern of insomnia. Usually, she tried to keep herself awake until her body fought against it. When her eyes rebelled and closed of their own accord, that was when Shepard knew it was time to sleep. She hadn't really slept since the night before Eden Prime—the night before everything went to hell—so she should have fallen asleep immediately. The fact that she hadn't indicated that maybe her usual tactics were useless now. There were too many anxieties crowding her subconscious and these vulnerable moments between sleep and alertness were the moments they all decided to rise to the surface.

She opened her eyes and spotted the bottle of tequila on the desk. _That_ _'ll do_ , she thought and pushed herself to a sitting position.

* * *

Kaidan looked up from the sandwich he was making when he heard the soft shuffle of feet outside the chow hall. A shadowy figure paused in the arch of the entrance.

"I didn't realize anyone else was awake," Commander Shepard's quiet voice cut through the silence.

"You're welcome to join me. I was just making myself a," he glanced at the clock on the microwave behind him, "three a-m snack."

"In the dark?"

"I didn't want to wake anyone else up," he answered sheepishly.

The soft glow of the clock's digital readout illuminated Shepard's face as she crossed into the room. Kaidan realized with a start that his commanding officer was clad in well worn sweatpants that hung loosely around her frame. The double knotted string at the waist seemed like the only thing keeping the worn out elastic sitting on her hips. He was even more shocked when he realized that she was barefoot. The sight of her toes somehow made her seem more human. _Is this the first time I_ _'ve seen her without armor or in her BDUs_ , he realized as he furrowed his brow.

As she passed behind him and opened one of the cabinets, he caught the faintest hint of something citrusy; lemongrass maybe. The cabinet door banged shut, followed by the creak as another was opened.

"Can I help you find something?" He turned to her as the second door slammed closed.

She stared into a yet another cabinet for a moment before glancing over her shoulder at him. "Where the hell does Crosby keep the tumblers?"

Plate in hand, Kaidan crossed the room to a cabinet on the opposite wall and opened it to reveal the Normandy's collection of drinking glasses before sliding into a seat at the long table. A moment later, Shepard plopped into the seat next to him, one foot tucked under her as she curled into herself. The smell of liquor hit his nostrils as she splashed some liquid into a glass before setting a bottle on the table with a clang.

"God, that last mission was a disaster," Shepard sighed and took a sip from her glass before grimacing.

"It could have been worse," Kaidan shrugged. "Despite your best attempts, we didn't end up in the lava."

Shepard raised an eyebrow at him. "Are you teasing me?"

"Tease my commanding officer? Never," Kaidan shook his head earnestly and pressed his lips tightly together to hide his smile. He nodded towards her glass. "I take it the briefing with the Council didn't go well?"

A moment passed in silence before she answered. "Among other things."

Kaidan took a bite of his sandwich and chewed in silence while Shepard nursed the drink in front of her. Every so often, he would sneak a glance in her direction and each time, her eyes were focused on something across the room. The semi-glassy look in her eyes indicated that she was somewhere much farther away than the chow hall. He briefly wondered if he should try to fill the silence but decided against it. Shepard tended to be curt and rarely went out of her way to speak to anyone outside of the ongoing mission. She had a room to herself now but had chosen to sit here with him and Kaidan found her presence nice. He didn't want to chase her away by rambling.

"What is it?" Kaidan looked up at the sound of her voice and followed her gaze back to his BLT. Wordlessly, he slid the plate with the second half of the sandwich over to her and set his remaining portion down on his napkin. She hesitated a moment before picking up the untouched half and taking a tentative bite. A pleasured moan filled the room as she closed her eyes and chewed. Kaidan gulped and averted his eyes as the tip of Shepard's tongue swiped a crumb from her top lip.

"Bacon?" she exclaimed after she had swallowed.

"Imitation bacon but it does in a pinch."

"Do I even want to know how you managed to raid the fridge?" she asked.

He chuckled. Chow halls were notoriously stringent with their rations. No one got more than their allotted portion and the food was locked up when the mess was closed. She probably thought he had hacked the lock. "No raiding." He pointed to the corner where a small mini-fridge sat tucked inconspicuously. "Because I require extra calories, command saw fit to give me my own little space. I've got to keep it stocked myself though; otherwise I'm stuck with the standard power bars."

Shepard pulled her knee up to her chest and rested her chin on top of it. "I noticed you've got a good grasp of all the politics we've got ourselves involved in. You a career man?"

"Yeah," he nodded and leaned back in his chair, propping one elbow up on the back. "A lot of biotics are. We're not restricted, but we sure don't go undocumented."

"I have to admit, I'm not very familiar with biotics," she said, almost shyly.

"It's okay. Most people aren't. A lot of people are still scared of us, think we're freaks."

She turned sharply to him, her brow creased. "Freaks? That seems…like a reach."

"You wouldn't believe half the things I've heard," he gave a mirthless laugh. "The most absurd is that we can control people's minds. No such thing but it's a common misconception. It doesn't help that human biotics are relatively new. I'm considered among the first 'viable' generation."

"Is that why you have an L2 implant?" she blurted out. It was his turn to stare at her slack-jawed. "I'm sorry," she added. "Dr. Chakwas briefed me on your implant. It's none of my business." She chugged down the remainder of her liquor before pouring herself another.

He reached out and touched her shoulder briefly, noticing the way she leaned away from his touch. His hand dropped heavily back into his lap. "It's fine. It's not a secret. But yeah, the L2 implants came out about the same time I was flagged as having enough potential to be worth augmenting with one."

Her fingers traced graceful circles around the rim of her glass as the room fell silent again. Her eyes stayed focused on the golden contents of her cup as she next spoke. "I guess those implants add to the stigma. Dr. Chakwas mentioned the complications."

Kaidan puffed out a breath of air. "You could say that. Between the issues with implants and general mistrust of biotics, there's a lot of distaste for people like me. It's why so many of us join the Alliance in the first place. It may not be all roses and sunshine but at least the Alliance welcomes us, gives us a place in the world. May as well get a paycheck for it, right?"

"So, that's why you joined?"

"That and my father served. Made him proud when I enlisted. Eventually."

"Sounds like there's a story there," she remarked as she stood and crossed the room to pull a second glass from the cabinet. She poured an inch of liquid into the cup and slid it across the table to him.

His hand closed around the smooth cylinder but he didn't lift it to his lips straight away. He wasn't ready to talk about BAaT. "One for another time," he admitted and took a swig from the glass. Kaidan swallowed a cough as the liquid burned his throat going down. He could feel the heat of the liquor warming his chest as it made its way down his esophagus. "Geez, that's awful," he chuckled and took a second sip.

Shepard cocked her brow in amusement. "It does seem that I got the short end of the stick in that bet, doesn't it? I'll have to have a word with Anderson next time we dock at the Citadel."

"I thought you didn't share," he asked as he tapped his glass with a finger and let a grin spread over his face.

"I don't usually. But I also don't like to be in anyone's debt. You shared your sandwich, I share my liquor." The left side of her mouth twitched up into a half smile.

He rubbed his hand over his scratchy stubble. "Is that why you pushed me out of the way of the beacon? Because I pulled you back?"

"No." Kaidan felt like the air had been sucked from the room when her bottomless green eyes met and held his amber stare. "I guess I still owe you one after all."

Kaidan had never met a woman so unreadable. He wasn't sure if she was teasing or being serious, if she'd just been doing her job or if maybe she felt something more for him. He couldn't deny his attraction to her. The few tidbits of information she shared only left him hungry for more. His breath hitched as the seconds ticked by and still they maintained eye contact. Finally, he averted his gaze, focusing back on the table top. No matter what feelings she stirred inside of him, Shepard was his commanding officer and, therefore, off limits.

His brain backtracked through their conversation, searching for a less heavy topic. He arrived back at the start when they'd only been discussing the mission. "Dr. T'Soni seems nice enough."

"You think so?" Shepard's unrelenting stare disappeared behind a frown before she turned her attention back to her glass with slumped shoulders.

Kaidan inhaled a deep breath and blew it out slowly as he forked his fingers through his hair. "Well, yeah. She's a little overwhelmed. It can't be easy finding out your mother is working with the bad guy. I feel for her."

"Maybe." Shepard gave a half shrug and pursed her lips together. "Just…be careful," she advised after a minute. "We don't know anything about her."

Kaidan swallowed another sip of his tequila and tilted his head as he looked up at Shepard. "Careful?"

"Um, you know, if you have any, uh, intentions," she stammered and tugged on a lock of hair that had fallen in her face.

"None, Commander," he assured her. Kaidan would have liked to say the tequila made him bold but the small amount he'd imbued had no effect on him. The high metabolism that came with biotics made getting drunk a challenge. So he had no idea what had come over him when he added "I prefer adventurous women."

She blinked at him and opened her mouth to say something but snapped it closed without a word. Her chair scraped against the floor as she pushed away from the table and moved silently to the sink, plate and glass in hand. She washed both with brisk efficiency before tucking the glass back into the cabinet. When she turned to him with one brow raised, he pointed wordlessly across the room to indicate where she should return the plate.

Her footsteps brought the lemongrass scent back as she returned to the table but she didn't reclaim her seat. Instead, she reached out and closed a slim hand around the neck of the tequila bottle. "I should get some sleep. You too, lieutenant," she ordered.

"Aye, aye, ma'am."

As she reached the doorway, he called out after her, "Commander?" She paused, only a shadow hovering in the doorway again. "Do you, uh, make a habit of getting this personal with everyone?"

The silence stretched between them and he was sure she wasn't going to answer. He didn't even know why he had asked. Pale light danced down her face and over her swan's neck as she swiveled to look over her shoulder at him. "No," he heard and then she slipped through the arch and was gone.


	10. Chapter 10

Ration of steaming coffee in hand, Shepard entered the CIC and was greeted with a sharp salute from Pressly. "Morning, Commander."

She was already regretting the one cup limit she'd imposed before she'd even finished her sole allowance. Even with the tequila to finally help lull her to sleep, Shepard had slept fitfully. Her dreams had been plagued by golden eyes and she'd woken in a cold sweat. Luckily, soldiers were trained to survive on little sleep. Just no one should expect her to be happy about it.

"What's our location, Pressly?" Before dropping on Therum, Shepard had forwarded the information she'd received from the various petitioners on the Citadel to her navigator. While she had no plans to go out of her way to chase down personal problems, she wasn't averse to checking in on things if they ended up in the nearby vicinity in pursuit of their mission.

"We're in the Sparta system, Commander," Pressly briefed her. "The coordinates from Admiral Kahoku indicated that his team disappeared somewhere in the system. We've narrowed it down to two planets: Edolus and Alsages."

"Very good. Keep me posted." Pressly promised that he would let her know if and when they found something. With nothing left to do in the CIC, she decided to head down and make sure the team and all the gear were combat ready.

"What are you doing down there?" Shepard came to a stop at the rear of the Mako. Garrus was squatting next to it, muttering to himself as he fiddled with one of the tires.

"Fixing what you broke," his icy blue, raptor eyes glared at her over his shoulder. "I don't think the Mako was meant to be wedged between boulders." He was referring to Therum.

A solid rock wall had blocked their path with only a narrow gap leading forward towards the underground complex they were headed to. Garrus and Alenko had grabbed their weapons, ready to exit the vehicle on Shepard's command, when she'd ordered them to 'hang tight'. She'd driven the vehicle forward and, with just the right momentum, struck the edge of the rock with the left front tire, tipping the vehicle into an angle and allowing it to squeeze into the gap. Her translator had failed to relay the string of words Garrus had shouted as they hung precariously in the balance. It seemed turian curse words had no human translations. She'd grinned to herself, thinking she might have to learn them anyway. With a bit more pressure to the gas and a sickening scrape as rock and metal battled for dominance, the two wheels still on the ground had propelled them the rest of the way through to the other side.

"Hey, just because something's not easy doesn't mean it can't be done," she shrugged. "I got us through, didn't I?"

He muttered again, the sound similar to his protests in the Mako. She wondered if the human vocal cords could even imitate the untranslated turian language. "Can you have it ready to hit the ground in the next few hours?"

"Time for fighting?" Wrex's deep voice rang out through the room as the large krogan ambled up behind her.

"Not this time, Wrex," she shook her head at him.

"You promised me a fight, Shepard," Wrex's lowered his head and his red eyes glared at her from under his thick head plate. "I don't like broken promises."

Shepard closed the distance between them and clapped her hands to her hips. "And I don't like people questioning me."

"I'm not built for sitting around," he grumbled.

"Alliance mission, Alliance marines, end of story," she said and turned her back to his scarred face, effectively dismissing him before refocusing on Garrus' efforts with their vehicle. Heavy footsteps faded as Wrex lumbered back to the corner he usually propped himself up in. Shepard was no mechanic but she enjoyed seeing how things worked. It could be therapeutic to pull things apart and piece them back together and since she had no place else to be at the moment, she quickly decided to stay and watch Garrus work. She slid open the port side door and dropped the lower half of the hatch that folded down into a step that she could sit on. She caught a glimpse of purple curled on one of the seats.

"Tali?"

The slender quarian stretched, reaching her arms above her until her two fingers brushed the interior roof, and made a noise that sounded like a yawn. "Commander?" Her voice was thick with sleep and confusion as her glowing eyes focused on the open hatch.

"What are you doing in here?" Shepard asked.

Tali ducked her head low, her gaze resting on her feet. "The Normandy runs so smooth it feels like we're not even moving. And the engines are so quiet. I came over here to see what Garrus was doing and…I guess I dozed off."

"You're having problems sleeping because of the silence?" Shepard resisted the urge to smile. Tali would probably mistake it for amusement at her predicament when, in truth, it was that Shepard knew exactly how she felt. The Reds' safe houses were never quiet. Between the fighting and fucking in house and the ambient noise of the downtrodden neighborhoods around them—all screeching sirens and blaring horns and yelling people—the quiet of ship life had been a major adjustment for Shepard. And it was true; the Normandy was a quieter ship than most Alliance vessels she'd been on.

"Back on the flotilla, the last thing you want to hear is silence. It means an engine's died or an air filter's shut down." Tali shrugged. "I guess you don't have to worry about that here, but old habits die hard." She rose from her seat, ducking low to avoid banging her helmet on the roof and crossed to the hatch. Shepard slipped out of the way and leaned against one of the tires while Tali lowered herself to a seated position on the step. "It's more than just the silence. This ship feels so empty; it's like half the crew is missing." Her head tilted back as she looked up at Shepard. "Back home, I couldn't wait to go on my Pilgrimage. I couldn't wait to get away from the crowds. Now that I'm out here, I kind of miss them."

Garrus, who had been silent up to this point, chimed in. "It sounds like you're homesick."

"Homesick?" Tali tested the foreign word on her tongue. Shepard realized that perhaps the quarians didn't have an equivalent word.

"Sometimes we don't appreciate what we have until it's gone," Shepard explained.

Tali's head cocked to the side as she considered Shepard's words. "That's true. I will go back eventually. But we have to stop Saren first." She paused. "You know, there's always a few who go on their Pilgrimages and never return. I always assumed something bad happened to them, but maybe they just wanted a different life."

The elevator door opened with a hiss and Alenko stepped out looking bright eyed in spite of their late night chat. Shepard's throat went dry at the sight of him and the memory of his warm hand on her shoulder for the briefest of seconds only a few hours ago. His long stride brought him across the room in a half dozen steps.

"Commander," he greeted her with a smile. "You're needed in the CIC."

She nodded and pushed herself from the tire. "See you later, Tali. Get some sleep. And Garrus, make sure that thing is ready on my orders," she said as she crossed back across the room to head upstairs.

Alenko fell into step beside her. "I brought you your coffee." He pushed the mug in his hand towards her.

"I alre—"

"It's mine," his voice dropped as he leaned in slightly, his breath tickling her ear.

She turned to him as she waited for the door slide open. "You don't drink coffee."

"Exactly," his brown eyes sparkled. "But I still rate a cup a day. I figured it shouldn't go to waste." A spark of static electricity flickered between them as her fingers brushed against his in their effort to close around the mug. He stepped back and, before she could add a thank you, the door whisked closed behind her.

* * *

Thirty minutes later she was back down in the cargo bay, pulling on the final plates of her armor while Alenko and Williams did the same. Joker had picked up a signal from an automated distress beacon coming from the surface of Edolus. With luck, they could get to Kahoku's marines to lend support.

Shepard had no idea what exactly Garrus had been fixing but, whatever it was, he had the Mako ready to roll out, just as she had ordered. She climbed in and situated herself in the driver's seat while the rest of her team squeezed in behind her. Fingers on the control panel, she flicked the ignition switch to the run position. Her fingers tapped out an off beat staccato on the steering wheel while she waited for the heat sensor to flip off. When it did, she engaged the switch lever, moving it to the start position, and smiled as the engine cranked with a sputtering roar.

"Initiating cargo bay door release. Prepare for drop," Joker's voice come through over the Mako's comm system. "Be careful down there, Commander. The whole damn planet is one giant impact zone."

The hatch opened as Joker brought the Normandy in low for the drop and the sulfurous clouds of Edolus' atmosphere appeared before them. Shepard engaged the thrusters to slow their descent as the Mako rolled out of the cargo bay. Fiery meteors rained down around them. It was only chance that kept them from being struck as they descended towards the ground.

The three of them jostled in their seats as the vehicle shuddered with the impact of tires slamming down on desolate sand.

"Shit," Shepard cursed as she pulled up the radar. They were in the middle of a valley, surrounded by sand and rock and not much else. The whole world before them was painted in varying shades of bleached brown. The sheer rock walls rose to peaked points with no discernible paths leading up and over. Another glance at the topographical map of the nearby vicinity showed no low points to indicate a pass through either. Due to the strong winds that had pushed the Mako off course, their drop point was at least five klicks from the transmission source and that was the way the crow flew. No telling how much further they'd have to go to find a way around. "Buckle up. We're going rock climbing," she called to the others.

"I was hoping to get a minute of your time, off the record," Williams said as the Mako chugged up a forty-five degree slope.

Shepard glanced over her shoulder. Williams sat perched on the edge of her seat with one hand clutching the ceiling rail. Alenko was opposite her, omni-tool up and active as he scanned the area for resources and hostiles. "Is this duty related, Chief?" she asked.

"No ma'am. Well, maybe. I know things are different aboard the Normandy, but I'm concerned about the aliens. Vakarian and Wrex. With all due respect Commander, should they have full access to the ship?"

"Do you have a problem with them because they're not Alliance, or because they're aliens?" Shepard frowned. _This must be why she waited to bring it up until now, without any of them around._ Shepard could have pointed out that Alenko was still in the vehicle with them, making the conversation not exactly off the record, but perhaps the lieutenant shared her views? More likely Williams trusted him not talk. Alenko gave off the trustworthy vibe in spades.

Williams coughed and cleared her throat. "It's just…this is the most advanced ship in the Alliance Navy. I don't think we should give them free reign to poke around the vital systems. Engines, sensors, weapons."

"As far as Saren is concerned, they're our allies."

"I just think that we—humanity I mean—have to learn to rely on ourselves. As noble as the Council members seem now, if their backs are against the wall, they'll abandon us."

"That sounds pretty pessimistic," Alenko said. "Commander, radar has the distress beacon about two hundred meters due north."

"A pessimist is what an optimist calls a realist," Williams smirked at him.

"I see it," Shepard noted. She slowed the Mako to a stop at the top of a sand dune. In the distance, the smoking remains of an M29 Grizzly could be seen, as well the spinning beacon. No movement in sight. "Something's not right here. Williams, we'll continue this discussion later."

She inched the Mako forward, cautious of their surroundings. There was no immediate cover for anyone to hide in. _Where can those marines be?_ A couple more meters forward and she got her answer. Dark spots dotted the area around the Grizzly. A pull of her wrist engaged the parking brake but Shepard left the vehicle running.

"Alenko, any hostiles?" she asked as she scanned with her own omni-tool.

"None, Commander." Her readings indicated the same thing.

"Okay. We go in on foot," she ordered. "I don't know what happened here but I'd rather approach cautiously. Stay alert."

The three of them disembarked and crept towards the wreckage in front of them. The closer they got, the more the bad feeling in the pit of Shepard's stomach intensified. Her eyes scanned ahead, looking for anything out of place, other than the bodies of the marines. There were no tracks, no non-Alliance armor, nothing. The hair on the back of her neck stood on end as the Grizzly's melted side panel came into focus.

She'd seen this before. Once.

The ground shook under their feet. "Move!" she screamed a moment before a thresher maw erupted from the ground with a terrifying roar a few meters behind the bodies.

Thresher maws were giant, subterranean worms that were highly territorial. Little was known about them since they were considered one of the most deadly non-sentient species in the galaxy. Trying to get close to one was like trying to grab a bolt of lightning. On top of all that, they were almost impossible to pin down on radar because of how quickly they moved below the surface of the earth. The one that rose before them now towered nearly twenty meters in the air, each tentacle waving about its head nearly half that length.

"Oh my God, what is that?" Shepard heard Williams gasp as the three of them dodged behind the Grizzly. It was the only cover in sight unless they hauled ass all the way back to the Mako.

"Try to flank it and stay as far back as you can. Maw acid will burn through anything it touches," Shepard warned them.

On her count, the two marines burst out from behind cover, each running in opposite directions. Shepard lingered behind the Grizzly for an extra second, trying to calm her rapid heart beat, then popped up and peered over the tail end of the vehicle. As she'd hoped, the thresher maw had hesitated as it tried to decide which threat to attack first. Shepard's finger squeezed the trigger of her pistol in rapid succession. She fired as many shots as she could get off before her weapon overheated. The rumbling hiss that filled the air was her only warning before the maw sent a glob of viscous acid spiraling towards her.

The rat-a-tat noise of Williams' assault rifle filled the air as Shepard dove to the side. Acid splashed over the ground, hissing and sizzling as it made contact with the sand. Shepard's muscles trembled beneath her as she knelt and sucked in greedy breaths of oxygen. A geyser of dirt sprayed skyward as the maw retracted back beneath the ground.

"Where the hell did it go?" Alenko shouted as the blue of his biotic barrier danced over his body. Williams spun around with her rifle at the ready as she tried to predict where the thresher maw would push through next.

They didn't have to wait for long. A thunderous scream pierced their ears as the maw exploded through the earth almost directly below Alenko. The lieutenant went tumbling through the air. The sickening crunch of his landing echoed over the comms. The maw's long body smashed into the ground in an effort to crush him but, luckily, the force of the maw's reentry had thrown Alenko out of reach.

"Barrier broke my fall," he rasped as Williams and Shepard opened fire on the creature.

A pulse went through the air and the maw paused temporarily. Shepard glanced over and saw Alenko with his omni-tool up, the orange glow of a tech attack fading. The momentary distraction allowed the two women to hit the maw with everything they had. The monster arched back, tentacles thrust high in the air and, with one final screech, the maw keeled over and slammed into the ground before it's body slipped back into the dark depths from whence it had come.

"Are you okay?" Williams asked as Alenko hobbled over to the two of them.

"Just a sprain. I'll be fine," he assured her with a wave of his hand.

Shepard turned towards the bodies and hissed as she suddenly became aware of burning pain. A glance down showed that a few droplets of maw acid had splashed onto her calf. Having eaten through her armor, the acid was now in the process of burning through her undersuit to skin. Bile rose in her throat as dark memories of another acid burn, on another planet, pushed their way to the surface. Alenko noticed as her steps faltered.

"You're injured," he said as he reached for her. "We need to get you back to the Mako."

She shook him off and pushed the memories back into the far recesses of her brain. "I'm not leaving until I know what happened here."

"Fine, but at least let me look at it." Alenko clasped a firm hand on her wrist to prevent her from walking away. Shepard sighed but and stood patiently while he applied a bicarbonate buffer to neutralize the remaining acid.

"These are Alliance soldiers." Williams knelt at one of the bodies, a pair of metal dog tags in her gloved hand. "Admiral Kahoku's men alright. We need to tell him what happened here."

Shepard joined her next to the man while Alenko approached the beacon, omni-tool at the ready to run a scan. "Commander, this was a trap. The beacon's logs indicate it was activated before the admiral sent his team out."

"Sonofabitch!" Shepard kicked at the sand. "Alenko, move!"

All three of them fell back as she directed them behind cover of the Grizzly once again. Once they were sufficiently shielded by the vehicle, Shepard grabbed the grenade launcher she seldom had reason to use and lobbed an explosive at the beacon. She watched with grim satisfaction as the tower housing the signal exploded into a shower of metal and fire.

"Who would lure soldiers into a thresher nest?" Williams asked incredulously.

"I don't know," Shepard growled. "But I'm damn sure going to find out."

* * *

The incident Garrus is cranky about actually happened in my game and I loved it too much not to include it in my fic. You can see the pictures, if you're interested, on my tumblr which is bioticsandheadshots - post/141913101154


	11. Chapter 11

"You're lucky, Commander," Doctor Chakwas tsked at Shepard while checking on the acid burns left behind by her encounter with the thresher maw. "Lt. Alenko's buffer neutralized the acid enough that it didn't burn beyond the stratum papillare."

"English please?"

"The upper dermis. It will be tender for a few weeks but it should heal on its own with minimal scarring."

"Oh darn. I was hoping to add to my collection," Shepard snorted sarcastically as she hopped down from the examination table. "Thanks Doc."

After she had showered and stowed her gear, Shepard entered the chow hall for dinner. She stood unnoticed for a moment in the doorway and observed the delicate balance of peace before her. Though the room was small—it held no more than twenty occupants at one time—Wrex and Vakarian sat as far away from each other as possible. Tali sat next to the turian; the two of them leaned over their trays to inspect the special food the requisitions officer had ordered after Shepard had informed him that the ship would be housing two dextro-amino guests. Three young soldiers, Corporals Chase and Lowe along with Sergeant Emerson, listened raptly at Wrex's side as he recounted tales of battles long since fought. Further down, near the center of the table, Pressly engaged in conversation with Adams and Chakwas all while sneaking glances in Vakarian's direction. Joker, Alenko, and Williams balanced out the other end of the table, though Shepard noted that they had left a few seats between themselves and Garrus and Tali.

"I'm impressed, Shepard," Wrex called down the table as Shepard slid into a vacant seat next to Joker after she had accepted her tray of food from Sergeant Crosby.

She looked up from her plate of soggy meatloaf. "If you're impressed by the food, I don't even want to imagine what you normally eat."

"You killed a thresher maw," Wrex clarified. "Few krogans can even say they've done that. And many have tried."

"Especially considering…" Liara added as she sat down in the chair to Shepard's left. The room went silent.

"Considering what?" Tali asked, clueless. The other aliens at the table looked between Shepard and Liara curiously.

"The Commander survived a thresher maw attack on Akuze when all others perished," Liara answered, eyes sparkling with admiration. "The fact that she survived shows remarkable strength. I…I looked into your history," she added as she turned to Shepard.

"You went digging into my past?" Shepard's knuckles were white around the handle of her fork. "I'm not sure about other species, but humans consider that an invasion of privacy," she said between clenched teeth.

The asari flushed a shade of deep violet and dropped her eyes to her own tray. "I am sorry, Commander. I know it was wrong, but after our last conversation, I was too embarrassed to approach you directly. I was afraid I would say something stupid again. I wanted to know more about you. To understand what made you into the woman you are. There is something…compelling about you, Shepard."

"Sounds like an obsession to me," Williams snickered.

Liara flushed even more when she realized that the entire room was listening but she raised her head and met Williams' brown eyes with a steely glare. "All I did was look up some information from the extranet. I would hardly call that an obsession."

Shepard slid her chair back, her appetite gone. "Pressly, when you're finished eating, set a course for the Citadel. We need to brief Admiral Kahoku about his missing men." She dumped her food in the trash receptacle and let the tray clatter on the metal return.

She stomped from the room and entered her quarters, wishing she could slam the door behind her. Honestly, she wasn't even sure why she was upset. As Liara had said, the outcome of Akuze was public knowledge. Hell, every Alliance soldier and their mother knew about Akuze.

Actually, she _did_ know why she was upset. Between the man who had wanted her autograph, the already spread recognition that came with being the first human Spectre, and now Liara, Shepard felt very exposed. She was just an Alliance marine, doing her job and trying to keep the people around her alive. Would no part of her life be private now?

The universe so kindly decided to answer her as the comm system in her room beeped to life. "Commander Shepard," Private Draven's voice called out. "Message coming in from the Fifth Fleet. Patching it through."

Shepard sighed and moved to stand in front of the terminal as Admiral Hackett appeared on the screen. "Commander, we've got a situation that requires your expertise. A group of fanatical biotics have kidnapped the chairman of the Parliament Subcommittee on Transhuman Studies. Their freighter sustained damage and is dead in space. We need you to get in there and take them down."

Shepard kept her voice even. "Why me?" It wasn't the admiral's fault that she was in a testy mood.

"The Normandy's coordinates indicate that it's one jump away from the Hades Gamma cluster. You're the closest Alliance vessel we have to the area."

"What can I expect?"

"Nothing you can't handle. They're L2 biotics, and most of them are suffering major side effects from the implants. The chairman's subcommittee recently denied a request for reparations to all L2 biotics. Apparently, they'd like the chairman to reconsider." Shepard immediately thought of Alenko and what he'd told her earlier about the prejudices all biotics faced, especially L2s. These fanatics were harming their cause more than helping it.

"How do you want this handled?" she asked.

"Saving the chairman would be my preference, but we must make it clear that these tactics don't work, Commander. Your top priority is to neutralize the biotics."

"Understood, Admiral. I'm on it."

"I appreciate you taking the time, Commander. I'm sending you the last known coordinates of the freighter. Good luck. Fifth Fleet out."

* * *

The room filled with noise again as each group went back to their previous conversations after Shepard stormed off. Liara sat in her seat, unblinking, for a few moments before she too quickly rushed from the room. Her swift departure carried her away before anyone could attempt to comfort her. Kaidan felt guilty for not saying anything to the shy asari. After all, he too knew what it felt like to be curious about Shepard. _I_ _'m just not foolish enough to mention it in front of everyone, especially not Shepard._

"That was pretty harsh, Ash," Kaidan said in a low voice.

"I was just teasing," Ashley shrugged and licked her spoon.

"You kinda embarrassed her in front of half the crew," Joker pointed out. "And you pissed the Commander off too."

Ashley's eyes rolled skyward with an accompanying snort. "Pfft, I don't think _I_ can be blamed for that."

"I wouldn't be so sure about that," Joker said, drawing their attention to the door. Kaidan looked up as Shepard marched through the opening, mouth set in a thin line.

"Pressly, Joker, I need you up on deck. Now," she snapped. Both men pushed themselves to their feet. Kaidan slid Joker's tray across the table and set it on top of his own. Shepard's stiff shoulders and narrowed eyes made it clear that now was not the time to test her minuscule patience. Just getting up the stairs would be slow going for Joker; Kaidan could handle the remnants of the pilot's dinner. "Set a course for the Hades Gamma Cluster," she called out after them as Pressly scurried from the room and Joker hobbled by on his crutches. Shepard's eyes followed the pilot curiously but whatever was on her mind snapped her back to attention.

"The rest of the ground team, I want you in the conference room in ten." Her eyes scanned quickly around the room. "Where's Liara?"

"She, uh, left, ma'am," Ashley answered.

"I'll go find her," Kaidan offered as he rose. He dumped the contents of both trays and then stacked them neatly before hurrying from the room.

He started in the med bay. Liara spent most of her time in the small lab attached to the back of the room, away from the others. A pang of guilt washed over him for not welcoming her on board yet. It was disorienting, being pulled from everything you knew and thrust into a new situation. He knew that. Sometimes a friendly face made all the difference in the world. Kaidan was sure she could use that right now, especially since it appeared that she and Shepard had gotten off on the wrong foot. _Or maybe this is normal for the Commander. Maybe you_ _'re the one she acts different around._

To his surprise, Liara wasn't in the med bay's lab. Most people didn't go in Dr. Chakwas domain unless they needed medical treatment making the lab the safest place for Liara to hide out on the ship.

As he exited the clinic, his eyes scanned the sleeper pods quickly before he moved the opposite direction, knowing she wouldn't be there. Even with hot-bunking, there weren't enough pods to add the extra crew members so the non Alliance team had been given cots to set up in a location of their choosing. Which was probably a good thing since Wrex and Garrus wouldn't have fit in the small enclosures anyway.

Kaidan took the elevator down to the cargo bay on the off chance that she had needed something from her gear locker. A look over the open space and a quick glance in the engine room told him she wasn't down there either. He was running out of places to look. The Normandy was small with few hiding places and no way out. Well, there was always the escape pods but Kaidan doubted that Liara had been upset enough to launch one of those. He really hated the idea of going up to the comm room without her and feeling the weight of Shepard's disappointed stare. A quiet sob reached his ears before the elevator door opened to carry him back upstairs. He followed the sound back into the room to the Mako.

"Liara?" Kaidan winced as he tapped on the small hatch. He hated interrupting a moment that she had clearly meant to keep private.

The muffled sounds of crying stopped and a moment passed before she answered him. Her tone was carefully neutral, no doubt an attempt to try to persuade him to leave her be. "I am fine, Lieutenant."

His head hung and he took a deep breath. Facing Shepard was probably the last thing that Liara wanted to do right now but their commander required the asari's presence and Kaidan was here to retrieve her."Shepard needs us in the conference room."

"Very well," he heard her sigh through the metal. He backed up as the hatch opened and didn't say anything as the two of them strode towards the elevator. As the door closed behind them, her big, blue eyes looked up at him. "I did not mean to offend her."

"I know," Kaidan said with a small smile as the elevator deposited them back on mid-deck.

They both hurried up the stairs, not wanting to keep Shepard waiting. Once they had taken their seats, Shepard briefed the team on the new mission.

"I'd like to have biotics to counter any attacks they might throw at us." Her green eyes turned to him. "Alenko, as my medic and an L2 yourself, I think that you're uniquely qualified to come along. However, if this is too personal, tell me now."

"It won't be a problem, Commander," he assured her. _She said_ _'my medic'; not a medic or the medic, but_ my _medic._ The choice of words made his stomach flip-flop.

"Wrex, can you execute a stasis field?" Shepard turned to the krogan.

"Of course I can, but why would I want to?" he answered.

"Okay then," Shepard snorted and turned to Liara. "How about you, Liara?"

The asari startled and jerked her gaze up to Shepard. Kaidan realized that she had probably been expecting Shepard to ignore her after the incident in the chow hall. Instead, Shepard acted as though the exchange between the two of them had never happened.

"I am capable of maintaining a stasis field, yes," Liara said.

Kaidan watched as Shepard looked between the other two biotics in the room and weighed her options. Even though her logic was sound, he still felt a swell of pride at having been selected, first at that, to accompany her. He'd been on every mission with her since they'd first boarded the Normandy. He hoped it stayed that way. _For her safety, of course,_ he asserted to himself.

"Liara, you'll accompany us aboard the freighter," Shepard decided. "Williams will get you a pistol as well. Joker has informed me that we should reach the coordinates in about ten hours so I expect everyone to get some sleep. Dismissed."

"Take me, Shepard," Wrex insisted as everyone stood.

Shepard shook her head. "I don't think so, Wrex. You don't seem big on mercy."

"Mercy has no place among terrorists."

"They're desperate. Desperate people do stupid things," Shepard countered. "We'll kill them if we have to but I'd rather take them alive."

* * *

Joker eased them into position alongside the MSV Ontario and initiated the docking sequence to allow Shepard and her team to board. As the Normandy's airlock sealed behind them, Shepard signaled to Alenko and Liara to ready their weapons in case any hostiles would be waiting for them when the exterior airlock permitted them entrance. Blue shimmered in her peripheral vision as both of them activated a biotic barrier and the air around her crackled with power.

"Are you okay?" she heard Alenko's quiet voice behind her ask.

 _Why wouldn_ _'t I be?_ Shepard turned her head to the side to look at him but his focus was to his left. A twist of her neck to the other side revealed Liara's trembling hand, pistol out and pointed at the floor.

"I usually rely solely on my biotics," Liara answered.

"Have you ever shot a gun?" Shepard raised her eyebrow. The back of her neck tingled with the realization that she had an inexperienced shooter behind her, armed with live rounds. She should have asked before ordering Williams to supply the asari with a pistol. Better yet, Liara should have mentioned it herself.

"I understand the basic mechanics but have not ever had reason to fire one before."

"The mission brief would have been a good place to mention that," Shepard snapped at her. The asari's lip quivered, reminding Shepard that Liara was an archaeologist, not a solider. "Leave it here. Alenko and I can handle the firearms but hopefully we won't need them," she said with a softened voice.

Liara flashed a grateful, half smile at her before gently setting the weapon on the floor. Once they'd crossed over, Joker would keep the Normandy's airlock sealed as a safety measure and would only reopen it when Shepard signaled that they were ready to return. The gun could be retrieved at that time.

The panels of the door separated to admit them on to the freighter. The small storage room was eerily quiet. There was no way that the inhabitants were unaware of the team's presence. _So where are they?_ The three of them moved warily past the crates and made their way to another door. This one opened into a hallway. Again, there was no sign of life.

"Alenko, your scans picking up anything?" Shepard asked as she surveyed the three doors that branched out in front of them. _They_ _'ve probably set up an ambush._

He pulled his omni-tool up and checked the reading. After a moment, he confirmed her suspicions. "Half dozen tangos to the right."

When the door slid open, the room erupted into chaos. The smell of ozone filled the air as the distinct whomping noise of biotics echoed around them. Shepard did a quick survey of the room. Only three people were visible in the large room. Stacks of crates littered the space, providing cover for the rest of the combatants. They needed to neutralize them all, and fast. If the chairman wasn't dead already, he soon would be.

A field of blue surrounded her and, with the force of a krogan battlemaster, flung her into a stack of tank tires. Stars burst before her retinas as Shepard's head bounced off the tough rubber material. She struggled to push herself to her feet, but the biotic field seemed to have her pinned to the cold, metal floor.

From her prone position on the floor, Shepard watched as two of the men rose in the air, suspended in a swirling mass of blue energy. Her eyes cast about the room and landed on her lieutenant. Alenko's left hand was up, biotics flaring around him, as he held the men in place. Crossed over his left wrist was his right, pistol in hand and trained on the men should they break free of the lift.

Meanwhile, Liara had lifted some of the crates around them to expose the biotics still in cover. As soon as her targets came into focus, a streak of blue whorled towards them from her palm, enveloping two more in a stasis field. _That still leaves two unaccounted for_.

Gunfire pinged off of the wall to Shepard's right as the blue around her faded into nothingness. The shot had gone wide, indicating that perhaps the biotics were as untrained in firearms as Liara. She wondered why they'd switched from biotic attacks as she scrambled to her feet. More gunfire sparked on the floor, almost ten feet short of her position. Shepard's eyes searched for the source, trying desperately to locate the remaining hostiles before they got lucky with a shot. _There!_ A head was barely visible above a crate in the corner. She fired a round, deliberately aiming a little to the left to only nick the woman.

Shepard froze as the sound like that of a swarm of angry bees whizzed past her head. As she heard the impact of a bullet hitting soft flesh behind her, she spun to witness the final combatant go down with a clean gunshot wound to the chest. Only a second later did she register the pistol in his hand. A glance up revealed that Alenko was now standing with his arms spread; his left hand still extended to maintain the lift while his right hand faced the opposite direction, the muzzle of his gun still smoking. He'd saved her. Again.

Now that the room was silent, angry voices carried from a room beyond them. "… _told you_ _…wouldn't get past…out of time, Chairman._ "

Shepard darted into another hallway and through the next door she saw. A well dressed man kneeled on the floor with his head bowed, hands locked in surrender at the nape of his neck. Three more biotics lined the back wall of the room, one with a shotgun aimed at the back of the diplomat's head.

Shepard holstered her weapon and put her hands up as a gesture of good faith. "Nobody do anything they'll regret," she kept her voice calm, yet firm, hoping to still talk reason into the man.

Flurried movement at her back had the man tightening his grip on his shotgun. Shepard tilted her head to her side and saw that Alenko and Liara had joined her, both blazing blue. With a silent signal from Shepard, Alenko holstered his pistol and let his biotics fade around him, leaving only a hint of the gossamer light at his fingertips. After a moment, Liara did the same.

"Why not? What have we got to lose? Since the chairman here decided that we didn't get reparations, we've got nothing left to live for," the biotic leader scoffed at her. At that same moment, the ratcheting sound of a shotgun came from behind them. Perhaps sparing the lives of the others had been the wrong choice.

"I've changed my mind! S-s-seeing you all, it's c-clear that you all d-deserve…" the chairman stuttered as the front of his trousers grew wet with his fear.

The leader whacked the man's head with his shotgun. "Shut up! You had your chance!"

Shepard's eyes narrowed. She needed to take control of the situation and quickly. "Don't be stupid," she shook her head with a deriding sigh. "If you die fighting, you'll get a lot of other biotics killed as well."

The man's head jerked up as he truly looked at her for the first time. "What do you mean?" She could see his eyes puzzling over the statement as he considered her words.

"You've just made all L2 biotics look like terrorists. Think of what will happen to them."

The leader's hand shook as he looked between the woman to his right and the group in front of him. His chest contracted as he expelled a deep breath and started to lower his weapon. "Wait!" The shotgun rose back up and pressed into the back of the chairman's head with enough force to nearly topple the man over. Burns' body teetered back and forth as he struggled to stay upright. "How do I know you're not just going to sweep this all under the rug and toss us in jail somewhere? People need to hear what the government has done, and what it has failed to do!"

"People have heard. You've already accomplished that," Alenko's calm voice weighed in. "You don't need to die for it."

"What, we're supposed to trust you?"

"I'm an L2, like you," Alenko shared with the man. "Trust me. The commander can make sure that Burns follows through."

"Sure, you promise us freedom and say everything will be fine, but as soon as we surrender, you'll double-cross us!"

"Oh, no, I never promised you would go free," Shepard chuckled humorlessly. "You'll answer for what you've done. All I'm saying is that Burns will take another look."

The leader's eyes flicked back and forth from a spot behind her—the other biotics no doubt—and the man kneeling on the floor. Shepard resisted the temptation to reach for her gun. The slightest movement right now could make up the man's mind, and not in their favor.

"You're right." The shotgun clattered to the floor as the leader stepped back from Burns. With a nod, more clatters behind Shepard signaled that the rest had tossed down their weapons as well. "We surrender."

Shepard turned to Alenko. "Radio Joker. Tell him to contact the Fifth Fleet and have someone sent out here to pick up Burns and the prisoners."

"Aye, aye, ma'am." Alenko avoided her gaze as he stepped to the side to make the call.

Shepard stared after him as he went. His eyes had held little of their normal warmth. _You don_ _'t have time to think about this right now._ "Liara, gather all the weapons and move all the biotics into the crew quarters. We'll lock them in until an Alliance ship gets here." The biotics, upon hearing her command, made their way to the quarters with no resistance.

Burns hoisted himself to his feet slowly and turned to his former captor. "The reparations will come. For whatever it's worth, I promise that." The biotic leader just nodded wearily and followed his men from the room as Burns made his way gingerly to Shepard. "Thank you, Commander. I thought I was dead when they took me. I'll see to it that the reparations discussion is reopened. I didn't know they were so desperate."

"Then you weren't doing your job." Shepard grit her teeth and strode from the room, leaving the chairman behind without a second glance.


	12. Chapter 12

"Normandy, this is Alliance tower. Please proceed to dock 422." Joker confirmed with the traffic controller and eased their ship into the docking station on the Citadel.

After they'd secured the freighter with the biotics for the Fifth Fleet, Shepard had tossed and turned again that night; this time worrying over the possible outcomes of having people inexperienced with weapons on her team. The realization that Liara was untrained with even the most basic of firearms had Shepard reevaluating her decision to allow aliens on board the Normandy. She knew nothing about them or what they were capable of. With the Alliance, Shepard could be guaranteed that all those under her command had at least received the same standard of training at the entrance level and many aboard the Normandy had more specialized training.

True enough, Liara had handled herself well aboard the freighter without a gun but it would be wise to make sure she, and all the crew, were as prepared as possible for whatever situations may arise.

To that end, Shepard had gone to Garrus. He'd been a C-sec officer; he knew the Citadel and knew if they had what she was after. He'd confirmed that yes, the station had several, so she'd asked him to schedule an appointment for her and the rest of the aliens. She'd sent a message to each of them requiring their time when they docked. She'd also sent messages to Alenko and Williams, welcoming them to tag along if they wished.

As the airlock compartment admitted them into the docking bay, Shepard gestured for Garrus to take the lead. The turian strode confidently through the halls, only pausing briefly at intersections to make sure that the group was still with him. Everyone else, including Shepard's Alliance brethren, trailed after him. Liara lagged behind often as she stopped to take in all the different sights of the Citadel. Shepard fell back to the asari's side and tapped her shoulder. An arched brow reminded Liara that they had a destination in mind and she flushed a little as she hurried to keep pace with Shepard's brisk strides.

Wrex grumbled as Garrus took another turn, leading them deeper into the bowels of the large station. "Where is he taking us, Shepard?"

"You'll find out shortly," Garrus called over his shoulder. "We're almost there."

"Oh, hell yeah!" Williams exclaimed with a loud grin as they came to a stop in front of a shooting range.

Wrex paused in front of the door and stared up at the sign before turning to Shepard. "I guess this is acceptable."

"Glad to have your approval, Wrex," Shepard snorted as she rolled her eyes.

The seven of them filed through the door and were each handed a datapad that detailed the rules of the establishment. The room was silent as the group read through the extensive list. Shepard glanced around at her companions and bit the inside of her lip to keep from laughing as she realized Liara was taking notes. Alenko's brow was furrowed in concentration as he, too, studied the list closely while Williams ogled the weapons that were available to choose from.

"What do you mean, 'no incendiary ammo'?" Wrex tossed his datapad on the chair next to him with a huff.

"They're holographic targets, Wrex. You'd just set the whole range on fire," Garrus explained. Shepard cocked her head as she picked up on a slight fluctuation in his sub-vocals. Turian sub-vocals were complex and still largely a mystery to the rest of the species in the galaxy as most of them lacked the auditory capabilities to pick up on the tonal differences. Even when the fluctuations were less subtle, as Garrus' tone was now, most people lacked the knowledge to interpret those sounds accurately. Shepard would have been willing to bet her next paycheck though that the tones Garrus was emitting now were either annoyance or amusement.

Shepard rose to her feet and stood in front of the group as soon as everyone had signed the form waiving the establishment of any and all liability should one of them be injured or killed while on the premises. "Alright. Let's start out with everyone's preferred weapon." Williams immediately pointed at one of the assault rifles and Garrus, of course, chose a sniper rifle. Shepard noted that Tali and Wrex both selected a shotgun while Alenko stuck with a pistol. Liara hung back, unsure of what to choose without prior experience with any of them. Shepard approached the counter and chose one of the run of the mill pistols, an Edge model, for Liara. Damage-wise, it was a step up from the Alliance issued Kessler. Shepard didn't select a weapon for herself. She had a few hours to kill before her meeting with Admiral Kahoku and meant to spend that time with her crew, learning their weapon strengths and weaknesses so she could better put them to use in the field.

Weapons selected, they filed into the shooting gallery and keyed in their targets. Shepard suppressed an eye roll when Wrex's target shimmered into the shape of a turian. The rest of the targets were the standard, graded circles that decreased in size until the center circle was a tiny bullseye no bigger than a salarian eye. Tali glanced around for a moment and peered through the glass separating the actual shooting area from the lobby and then leaned into the targeting processor. Omni-tool activated, her three fingers swiped quickly over the interface. Before Shepard could ask what she was doing, the simple bullseye target shifted into the shape of a geth platform. Shepard swallowed a chuckle. There hadn't been a selection that suited Tali's interests so the talented quarian had uploaded her own. Impressed, Shepard turned her attention back to everyone else and made no mention of Tali's hack. _No harm done_.

"Are you sure you don't have that out too far?" Williams scowled at Garrus as he looked down the range at her target.

"No, it's exactly where I want it," she huffed. "I'm perfectly capable of hitting that target right in the bullseye at five hundred meters."

Garrus flicked his mandibles and looked down range and back at her before asking, "Care to put a wager on it?"

"You're on, Vakarian! If you win?"

Shepard coughed into her hand to hide her laugh when she heard his terms. If Williams couldn't hit the bullseye, she had to let Garrus help her calibrate the weapons. The marine had warily agreed, until he'd made sure to mention that meant _all_ of the weapons, even her own. She'd hesitated then but reluctantly accepted rather than admit defeat before even starting.

Before Shepard could hear what Williams wanted if she won, Tali and Wrex both began blasting away at their targets. It was no surprise that the large krogan favored a weapon like the shotgun. His species lived to kill—he'd explained so himself—and doing it a hair's breadth away from their opponent made it all the better. However, Shepard was surprised, and impressed, with Tali's skill. Each blast of the barrel could have tipped the thin quarian backwards but she barely reacted to the recoil. In fact, looking between their targets, Shepard noticed that Tali's shots were actually more precise than Wrex's.

"Show us what the great Shepard can do with the right gun in her hand," Wrex cajoled as she stood behind them and watched them shoot.

"You call that the 'right gun'?" She smirked as she shook her head. "Not by a long shot. If I'm close enough to use a shotgun, it means I didn't do my job right."

Wrex lowered the barrel of his gun and turned to face her with a grin. "Killing is so much better up close and personal."

"I don't _do_ up close and personal."

Beyond them, Alenko and Liara were huddled together over the shooting rest as they conversed in quiet tones. Neither of their targets bore any holes yet. Shepard slid towards them with delicate ease, taking care not to make any movements that would alert them to her attention. As she closed the distance, Alenko's husky voice, with all the patience of a saint, carefully explained each part of the weapon to Liara. He even paused between each step so that she could mimic his movements. Blue hands trembled like the surface of a pond during an earthquake when she aimed the pistol down the firing lane. Still Alenko was there, calmly easing her through it as he adjusted her shooting stance and reminded her to pull the trigger on her exhale.

 _He_ _'s a good teacher,_ she admitted as Liara's first shot hit the target. It was wide of the bullseye by a few inches but, for someone who'd never shot a gun, it was a fine first attempt. Liara took a few more shots, each movement measured carefully just like she'd been taught. Each crack of the gun resulted in a line of holes that inched their way closer to the center of the target.

After taking a few more trips back and forth along the line, Shepard felt more confident in her team's capabilities. Liara was, by far, the most inexperienced of the bunch, but with Alenko's assistance she'd made vast improvements in a single afternoon. On one of Shepard's last passes, she'd noted that the asari's trembling hands were all but stilled.

"Kaidan, why don't you use an assault rifle?" Garrus asked as he joined Alenko and Liara at the far end of the range. "I assumed all Alliance were trained on the same weapons."

Williams came to a stop at the turian's side. "Gathering intel on us, Vakarian?" she asked. Shepard turned to reprimand her and was surprised to see a smile on the chief's face. Though it hadn't been Shepard's initial goal, it seemed the two had bonded over their shooting competition. _Good._ She turned her attention back towards the conversation.

"I have to perform certain movements to activate my biotics," Alenko was explaining. "A pistol lets me keep better control over both the gun and the biotics."

"That's a load of crap," Wrex said as he stared down at the lieutenant. "You can use whatever weapon you want with biotics. The only thing limiting you is yourself."

Shepard caught the faintest tightening of Alenko's jaw before he responded. "I never said I couldn't use an assault rifle. I choose not to."

"Commander, I believe our time is up," Liara spoke up. Sure enough, when Shepard glanced a look through the glass, the range officer was watching them expectantly. She motioned for them all to collect their weapons and clean up any mess they had made. Tali hacked back into the controls and replaced her geth target with the standard one, erasing all evidence that she'd tampered with the targeting processor.

"Ship leaves tomorrow at fourteen hundred hours," Shepard said as they all returned their weapons to the range officer. "Until then, you're free to do what you like. Just don't do anything that'll require me to bail you out of jail, okay?" It was just past sixteen hundred now, leaving the crew almost an entire twenty four hour respite to do with as they wished.

"You wanna meet up with us tonight, Commander?" Williams asked while Shepard finalized the transaction.

Shepard shook her head. "Thanks, Chief, but I've got some business to take care of, including a meeting with Admiral Kahoku in twenty minutes."

"Do you need us to go with you?" Williams asked. "I, uh, I know how much it's going to suck to tell the admiral that his men are dead."

"I'll handle it," she answered brusquely. The corner of her mouth rose a fraction of an inch, softening her features a little as she added, "I appreciate the offer though."

* * *

Dark Star was packed that night; there wasn't a single empty table in the place. Bodies writhed together in a sweaty mass to the beat of the music in the middle of the dance floor amidst colorful lights that strobed throughout the club, bathing everyone in brilliant hues of blues and pinks. Waving arms that he pretended not to see beckoned to Kaidan from the dance floor. He felt a migraine coming on already. He wondered how much longer politeness dictated he stay before he could excuse himself to go back to the ship.

"C'mon!" Ashley rushed across the room at him. Her hands, slick with sweat, tugged on his arm. "Come dance with me! I hate dancing alone!" When he didn't immediately stand, the persistent woman clapped her hands to her hips and surveyed the rest of the table. Her brown eyes shone brightly in the center of a face flushed from physical exertion and alcohol. Long, dark tresses, freed from her regulation bun, fell in smooth waves over her bare shoulders. The cream colored, strapless dress she wore contrasted with her glistening olive skin and brought out a feminine side of her that she'd hidden up to that point. It was no wonder that many of the eyes in the bar were on her tonight. Even Joker, when he'd seen her striding up the bridge in impossibly high heels, had been convinced to leave the Normandy for a few hours. "Fine then, you big weanies," she finally sighed when no one made a move to join her and dropped into an empty chair at their table.

At that moment, Garrus arrived with another round of drinks. Ashley, Kaidan, and Joker had been waiting for the transport car at the edge of the docking bay when Garrus and Tali had joined them. Garrus had been the one to suggest Dark Star, promising that it had a similar atmosphere to Flux in addition to being dextro-friendly. The only thing this club lacked was the clinging noises of gambling machines, for which Kaidan's head was grateful.

"My sisters would love this place!" Ashley's smile was wide as she bopped along with the music in her chair. "Maybe when this is all over, I'll bring them here for a girls' night out."

"I've always wanted a sister," Tali said glumly before taking a long slurp through her straw.

"Be glad you don't have one," Joker snorted. "They're a pain in the ass."

"They're not _so_ bad," Garrus twitched his mandibles as he weighed in on the matter.

"Does your sister live here on the Citadel, Garrus?" Kaidan asked curiously.

"Not anymore. My family did, for a time, when we were younger. My father was an investigator for C-Sec; one of the finest. He's retired now and back on Palaven."

"Yikes," Ashley raised her eyebrows. "He can't be happy that you left." Kaidan was happy to see that the day they'd all spent together, or maybe just the alcohol, had softened Ashley's attitude towards their alien teammates. It was only a shame that Wrex and Liara had chosen not to join them. The invitation had been extended to both before they had left the range. Wrex had cited wanting to 'look into something' which Kaidan guessed had to do with any leads on Fist. The guy was scum, absolutely, but Kaidan hoped he was long gone from the Citadel. Kaidan would have preferred to arrest the man but they hadn't had the time, not if they wanted to get to Tali first. Without that option, Shepard had been right to turn Fist loose. Let the man suffer for what he'd done; leave him always looking over his shoulder for any assassins the Shadow Broker might send after him. Liara had contemplated joining them for the evening, until she'd asked where they were going. Her blue face had blanched a little at the mention of a club and she'd quickly cited some research she wanted to do regarding the Conduit.

Garrus' raptor eyes narrowed to slits at Ashley's words. "That would be an understatement."

Tali reached over and gave Garrus a small pat on the arm. "It's not easy, standing in the shadow of a family member."

"I'll drink to that!" Ashley raised her drink, inciting a clinking of glasses in an impromptu toast, while Kaidan wondered who her shadow belonged to.

Kaidan was able to push his migraine from his mind as the night wore on. He knew he'd pay for it later but, with the added help of a few more rounds, he was willing to deal with it then. At one point, he even allowed himself to be dragged to the dance floor by Tali and Ashley, much to Joker's amusement. Most eyes had been on Ashley as she closed her eyes and sinuously swayed in time to the music, but Kaidan had received his fair share of approving gazes from a couple of people in the room. Tali had even been approached, rather shyly a few times, at which she broke into nervous laughter and sidled a little closer to Kaidan who, in turn, had adopted a feigned glare at each unwelcome petitioner.

Skin glistening with sweat, they dropped breathlessly back into their chairs at the table where yet another round of drinks awaited them.

"I know a secret!" Ashley slurred excitedly. With a wobbly plunk, her elbow dropped to the table and she leaned towards Garrus, hand conspiratorially covering her mouth. "Wait, where the hell are your ears?"

Kaidan covered his eyes with his hand and groaned but Garrus just spread his mandibles wide and made a sound halfway between a cough and a wheeze. _He_ _'s laughing,_ Kaidan realized.

"Just whisper. I'll hear it," Garrus assured her.

Ashley's words were not quiet. The whole table heard as she proclaimed, "Someone has a crush on the Commander!" Kaidan's face began to heat. She'd already teased him enough about his slip-up at the observation deck. Now, instead of letting it go, she'd decided to bring it up in front of half the crew. He hoped he was still flushed enough from dancing that no one would notice and busied himself with his beer, suddenly feeling a need to peel the label from the bottle.

Joker snickered. "I wonder if she's following the Commander around now, taking notes in her little notebook?"

Kaidan glanced up swiftly when he realized they were talking about Liara and not him. "We shouldn't talk about her behind her back."

"Honestly, I can't say that I blame her," Garrus admitted to a chorus of whistles and catcalls from Ashley and Joker. "Not that I have…intentions towards her but Shepard is an odd kind of human."

Kaidan told himself that's why he, too, was drawn to Shepard. It wasn't a romantic crush. He was too professional for that. It was that she was a mystery, all tangled up in vague answers and contradictions. Kaidan had always taken pleasure in solving puzzles, step by painstaking step, to get to what waited within. It's one reason he enjoyed engineering so much. Tackling problems, especially ones that looked impossible to solve on the outside, left him with an immense amount of satisfaction. That's all his interest in Shepard was - professional curiosity. She reminded him of those Russian nesting dolls: for every tiny sliver she opened up, another wall could be seen in the distance and each sliver left Kaidan more interested in getting to the core of the woman that she was. Not that she would enjoy being compared to tech, or dolls. In fact, he was pretty sure she'd be offended.

 _So why are you so bothered that she thinks L2s are terrorists?_ Logically, he knew he'd taken her words out of context. The L2 biotics on that freighter _had_ been terrorists. They made people like him or L2s that were just trying to get by under the radar that much more likely to be attacked by fanatics who opposed biotics. Yet, he'd been avoiding Shepard since then. The only reason he'd agreed to go this afternoon was because Ashley had dropped by his station, assuming he was going, and he didn't want to try to explain why he wasn't. So he'd gone and done everything he could to stay busy and avoid talking to his commanding officer, no matter how aware he'd been of her presence at his shoulder.

It was one thing to live with the looks of cautious fear from people who knew nothing about him. He'd come to expect it from people who had no reason to know better. It would be a different matter entirely to see that wariness in the eyes of someone he respected and cared about. Again.

"I've got to go," he shoved his chair back from the table as hard as he shoved down the memories of Brain Camp. The clattering sound as the chair hit the floor was swallowed by the thumping bass of the music.

"Looks like someone's had too much to drink," Joker smirked.

"Lemme help." Ashley rose to offer her arm to Kaidan, but wobbled and lurched forward in her heels. Kaidan caught her elbow to steady her.

He chuckled. "Seems like I should be the one helping you."

Arm wrapped gently around her, Kaidan waved goodbye to the table and steered Ashley through the crowd towards the door.

With a jerk, she extricated herself from his grasp as they made it to the door. "I can do it myself!"

With the steadiness of a newborn giraffe, legs folded beneath her and she tumbled forward. Hands flailed wildly as they grasped for any kind of anchor to catch herself. An envelope of blue surrounded her, holding her aloft before she could crack her head against the polished marble steps. Kaidan almost laughed at the bewildered expression on her face.

"Are you done now?" As the energy around her dissipated, Kaidan reached out for her, physically rather than biotically, and helped lower her until her feet touched solid ground again. This time, her fingers grasped tightly at the shoulder of his shirt and she made no further attempts to walk without assistance as they crossed the building towards the transit station.

It was only after they sat in the rear of a cab on the way back to the docks that Ashley spoke again. She leaned her head heavily against his shoulder. The smell of liquor on her breath assaulted his nostrils as she leaned up and whispered in his ear. "You like Shepard too."

 _She_ _'s drunk. She doesn't know what she's saying._ "She's a good commander," he answered with the hope that she would drop it.

"Nu-uh. S'more than wanna jump 'er bones," she giggled. "I guess she's pretty with her shiny hair and shiny eyes and shiny guns." Her head cocked to the side. "D'you think she's shiny everywhere?"

Kaidan squeezed his eyes closed tightly and tried to picture anything other than Shepard's creamy skin, bared and shining softly beneath the dim lights of the Normandy on night cycle. He settled for trying to imagine Wrex naked, even if the image would scar him for life. "Even if I did, and I _don_ _'t_ ," he stressed, "that'd be completely inappropriate."

"I know, I know. Sparkly hearts aren't as im-imp-important," she said through hiccups, "as regs."

"Sparkly hearts?" It was his turn to grin at her.

Her fist connected with the top of his thigh and, even in her state, the power behind the punch left his leg tingling. "Shuddup!"

The cab came to a halt at the Alliance docking bay. With a quick scan of his credit chit, the fare was paid for before Kaidan leaned in and scooped Ashley into his arms. The smooth, bare flesh of the back of her legs brushed against his forearms as he cradled her close to his chest. She sagged against him while weakly protesting that she could walk, but she made no efforts to escape from his arms.

"S'okay LT, yer secret's safe with me," she promised and dropped her head to his shoulder.

* * *

The deep bass notes of a song Shepard didn't recognize pulsed through the room as she crossed the bar and took a seat at the long counter. No one was up dancing; it wasn't that kind of establishment. Instead, people sat grouped in twos and threes, crouched over sticky tables while they clung to half drained glasses of their choice of poison. The intermittent crack of billiard balls punctuated the hum of conversations too low to make out.

A few people alone, like herself, dotted the long expanse of scratched veneer that separated the bartender from her patrons. One man grasped a tumbler of amber liquid and stared sorrowfully at a white band over his ring finger. _Recently separated._ A turian leaned against the wall in the corner, trying hard to be inconspicuous as he sneaked glances at an asari couple at another table who were too involved in each other to notice anyone else around them. _Jealous lover?_ At the other end of the bar, a salarian was hastily taking notes and muttering to himself as his eyes traveled back and forth over the rest of the customers. Shepard couldn't guess what exactly he was researching but as long as he let her drink in peace, she didn't care.

There'd been a number of places she could have chosen for her venture tonight. A quick glance through a travel website's page for the Citadel had revealed that there were dozens of bars on the station ranging in taste levels. There had been the the high class Zion lounge where one needed reservations and black tie attire just to be considered for admittance. Then there was Tartarus; it had been listed under 'likely to result in death' and seemed to be reserved for the lowest scum of the Citadel, ranking even lower than Chora's Den. If Shepard had to guess based on grammar, all of the favorable reviews of the place—and there weren't even many of _those_ —had been written by vorcha.

Perdition was exactly the kind of place she had wanted. A perfect blend between a local secret and a tourist hot spot, Shepard wouldn't stand out as the only non regular but she wouldn't have to deal with wall to wall crowds either. She liked places she could blend in while still being able to keep an eye on her surroundings. N7 training had taught her to evaluate every person and situation as a potential threat, a habit she couldn't shake even in her down time.

When the bartender came around, she asked for whatever was the strongest drink they had. After briefing Admiral Kahoku on his no-longer-missing marines, she needed a night to unwind. The admiral had been understandably distraught; losing people under your command was never easy and the shady circumstances made the loss doubly hard. She didn't envy him the task of informing the families of their loss.

She was halfway through her second drink when a small group came through the door: two turians, a batarian, and a human. Mercs, most likely. They were in casual clothes rather than armor but she caught the way they each surveyed the other patrons and checked for exits. Anyone well versed in combat did the same thing. Hell, she'd done it herself when she came in. She'd even chosen a seat that let her keep an inconspicuous eye on both the door and the hall that led to the back where there was likely a rear entrance.

After commandeering one of the billiard tables, one of the turians in the merc group began to rack the balls while the human approached the bar to place their order. Shepard watched him out of the corner of her eye. His jawline was covered in week old scruff, marred by a thick silver scar on the left side of his face running from the corner of his eye down to his chin. He wasn't incredibly handsome; his eyes were set a little too far apart and his mouth lacked the appeal of thick, kissable lips, but he wasn't hideous. When he reached for the tray with the drinks that the bartender slid his direction, a quick glance revealed no wedding ring. A familiar feeling stirred in the pit of her stomach; the anticipation of the hunt never failed to excite her as she sized up her prey. It'd been awhile since she'd had something to ride into a wild frenzy. A sly grin spread across her face as she gazed down into the remnants of her glass. _Twenty minutes,_ she silently bet herself, noting the current time on the clock, _before he comes over to buy me another drink._

Shepard waited until the man was back at the table and bent over to line up his shot before she shrugged her leather motorcycle jacket off of her shoulders. The art of removing her jacket was a seduction technique in its own right. She'd used it once or twice before, each time with favorable results. As expected, the slow glide of the black material down her arms caught his attention and his cue stick scratched the already marred felt of the table. The black, racer back style tank top she'd chosen to wear tonight revealed an expanse of delicately freckled shoulders and clung tightly to the middle of her back before it fell in loose folds around her frame. Even in her seated position, the holster at the small of her back was easily concealed. She never went anywhere unarmed.

She could feel his dark eyes on her as he played. The distraction cost him dearly; either that or he was a poor player to begin with. He missed almost as many shots as he made, leaving his batarian partner spitting and cursing in the corner while the two turians wiped the table clean. The man had already tossed his cue stick on the table and was on his way towards her as the final ball sank into a corner pocket with a loud clunk. Another glance at the clock on the wall revealed that there were still two minutes to spare on her self-made bet.

The man hoisted himself into the barstool next to her and signaled for two drinks. Seconds later, chilled bottles were set before them, condensation sparkling like diamonds on the dark glass. The man's hand fisted in the thick fabric against the outside of his thigh as her full lips wrapped around the neck of the bottle. With a tilt of her head to show off the long line of her neck, Shepard took a sip of her beer. Swiveling slightly in her chair towards him, she flicked her tongue out to catch the bead of moisture that rested on her lip. His eyes were transfixed on her mouth as he shifted uncomfortably in his seat.

'Thanks," she offered with a lazy smile as she tipped the bottle in his direction.

He extended his hand towards her. "I'm—"

"I don't care." Indigo eyes blinked at her in confusion.

After a second sip from her beer, Shepard rose and walked towards the back of the bar, taking care to put extra sway in her hips as she did. A glance over her shoulder revealed the man still sitting at the counter, staring after her with a furrowed brow. _Bless the poor dumb fool_ , she thought and beckoned him towards her. His chair teetered on two legs and crashed to the floor as he rushed to catch up with her. The bartender spat asari curses that Shepard's translator failed to interpret after the man but they went unnoticed.

Seconds after she'd disappeared around the corner that led towards the restrooms, heavy footsteps behind her signaled his approach and she let her back be slammed against the smooth wall. _Ding. Message received. Finally._ She hummed in approval as his lips crashed against hers, tongue desperately seeking admittance. Her hands tangled in lank strands of sandy colored hair as he left a sloppy, wet trail down her neck. Calloused hands worked their way under her shirt and, with dire need, hurried their way up taut skin to cup her breasts through her bra.

Burning eyes the color of cognac swam before her closed lids. For the span of a single heartbeat, Shepard allowed herself to imagine that it was _his_ hands on her. But no, _he_ wouldn't grope and pinch at her with all the finesse of a teenaged boy copping his first feel behind the school bleachers. _His_ movements would be controlled and cautious, eking out her pleasure slowly, in time that could be measured in hours, not seconds. Heat pooled in her belly; heat that, until she'd pictured _him_ , had been absent.

A frustrated growl tore from her throat. Quick and frenzied fucking, that's what she needed. That's all she'd ever needed. Cheap fabric twisted between her fingers as she knotted her fist in the man's shirt while the other clasped the back of his neck. With a tight grip on him, she shoved backwards, teetering him off balance, before spinning him and slamming his back against the wall to reverse their positions. She forced herself to look at the unnamed man in a desperate attempt to banish the image of her dark haired lieutenant from her fantasies. The sight of his wide eyes and cocky grin was a douse of ice water to her desire. A groan rife with disgust escaped her lips as she pushed herself off of him and stalked away without a backwards glance.

"Hey sweetheart, where ya goin'? Don't leave me like this!" He called out after her but his cries fell on deaf ears.

Years of spilled alcohol and god knew what else had left the floor a sticky wasteland. The soles of her boots tried desperately to cling to the surface, each step reluctantly relinquishing its hold with a steady _schick_ sound as she made her way back to the bar. As she passed the mumbling salarian, fragments of his ramblings reached her ears over the beat of the music; fragments that sounded like information she would be interested in.

"What did you say about Noveria?" she asked as she slid into the seat across from him. With no further leads on Saren, Noveria and Feros were still her two top priorities. Maybe this salarian could make the decision a little easier for her.

Dark, wide eyes narrowed at the intrusion. "No business of yours. Go away, human."

"I'm a spectre," she snarled at him. "It's my business if I say it's my business."

"No, no. Not right." His thin head rocked side to side with his denial. "No human spectres."

"I'm sure you can pull it up on your 'tool," she said and nodded at his wrist. With a glare, he punched in a few sequences on his omni-tool and then frowned at the results.

He switched tactics once he realized she was, indeed, a spectre. "Noveria outside council jurisdiction."

"We're not on Noveria, are we?"

"Fine," he huffed. "Binary Helix working on big things. Top secret things. Things that kill."

"What things?" She reached around to pull her pistol from its holster and set it on the table in front of the salarian. His black eyes widened even further and his mouth went slack at the sight of the weapon.

"Don't know! Work for competitor! Supposed to find out!"

 _Well, shit._ That ruined the rest of her night, if there'd been anything left to salvage in the first place. The cogs in her brain spun, trying to piece the together all the parts of the puzzle she had. _If Saren is looking for the Conduit to bring the reapers back, and the reapers wiped out the protheans, and the geth who are working for Saren are in Noveria at the same time some corporation is working on_ _'things that kill', does that mean the Conduit is on Noveria? Or maybe another prothean beacon is there, like on Eden Prime, that will help lead him to the Conduit?_

Her boot tapped rhythmically against the bottom panel of the counter as she waited to catch the bartender's attention. The asari was leaned across the counter further down, generously caressing a customer's arm, no doubt trying to convince the turian to stay and buy more drinks. All Shepard wanted to do was cash out her tab. With a roll of her eyes, Shepard leaned against the counter herself and flashed the alien a smile as well as an ample serving of cleavage. A few moments and one annoyed bartender later, Shepard was moving quickly through the corridors of the Citadel and back to the docking bay.

The decontamination process ended with a hiss as the inner door allowed her entrance to the ship. A few unlucky souls had drawn the short end of the stick and were left behind on watch but, otherwise, the ship was empty. Even Joker was absent from his usual place in the cockpit. With a smirk, Shepard wondered how much he'd been bribed to leave the Normandy.

Her BDUs were still puddled in a heap at the foot of her bed when she returned to her room. One drawer of her dresser hung open; a scrap of dark fabric dangled over the edge, preventing it from shutting completely. Gun mods and datapads littered every surface. _If only Sergeant Scollard could see me now,_ she grinned at the thought. It was the best thing about having her own room _and_ being in command: no one was here to do snap inspections of her quarters to make sure they were up to snuff.

Heavy footsteps and feminine giggles reached her ears as she sat at her terminal, pouring over the little information she had been able to dig up on Binary Helix. Light on her feet, she crossed quietly to her door and peered around the corner. Williams, prettier than Shepard had ever seen her, was draped over the lieutenant's arms. Long, tanned legs filled Shepard's vision as Alenko carried the chief up to the sleeper pods, unaware that he was being watched. As he mounted the steps, Shepard's gaze was drawn to the firm ass that the jeans he wore hugged just right and, for the second time that night, she wondered what it would be like to have him. How would his hands feel if she were the one in his arms?

With gentle ease, Alenko set Williams on her feet just outside her sleeper pod. Olive fingers stood stark against the white of his shirt as she clung to him. Whispers floated down towards Shepard but they were too far away for her to make out the words. She should give the two of them privacy. With the ship deserted, it was a fair assumption that they'd returned early to be alone.

With a wicked grin, she contemplated striding towards them with an angry glare to remind them about the regs, possibly even hint at forwarding a report to Admiral Hackett regarding their deplorable behavior. _Now you_ _'re just being petty,_ she argued with herself. She didn't give a shit about fraternization regs, never had. As long as everyone could handle their job without being compromised by their emotions, they were free to fuck whoever they wanted so long as they were discreet. She didn't care that Alenko and Williams were a thing. Not even a little bit.

His warm eyes opened wide when he turned around. No use ducking back into her room now; she'd been spotted. Her arms folded across her chest as long strides brought him to a stop in front of her. The two of them stood opposite each other, a contrast of black and white, before he stammered out an apology, all the while surveying the tops of his shoes. Shepard ignored the way her chest swelled when he explained he'd been escorting Williams safely back to her bunk after she'd had a bit too much to drink at the bar.

"Something else on your mind, Lieutenant?" Shepard asked, noting the tension in his jaw. Between his refusal to look at her and the way he'd barely spoken to her in days, it was obvious something was bothering him. Eyes still riveted on the floor, he shook his head in a firm no. If he didn't want to talk, she wasn't going to pry it out of him by begging. "Alright then. See you around, Alenko."

"It's just…" he sighed to her back when she turned. His voice was only an octave above a whisper, ragged and raspy with restrained anguish, as he continued. "I don't know…hearing you call those L2s terrorists. It hit close to home."

She spun around, her eyes flashing in anger. "You can't _possibly_ think I meant you." Startled at her tone, he finally jerked his eyes to hers but had no response. "You think I'd take you on every mission if I was worried that you're going to blow? I _take you_ with me," she punctuated with a jab to his chest, "because I trust you, implicitly, to have my back, the same way you have since we both boarded this ship. If you're going to doubt yourself, you can stay behind next time." Her short hair swirled around her shoulders as she turned on her heel back towards her room.

Static sparked between them as cool fingers closed around her wrist. With a gentle tug, he pulled her back around to face him. Golden eyes stared down at her from under dark lashes. "Thank you, Commander. I guess I just needed to be reminded of that," his husky voice shared with a smile from between lips full enough to more than make up for what the merc's lips had been lacking earlier. She wondered what Alenko tasted like. If he kissed her, would she find the hint of whiskey on his tongue?

Alenko's eyes flashed to his hand still clasped around her wrist, seemingly only now aware of his grip on his commanding officer. His fingers loosed and Shepard's hand dropped back to her side, dead weight without his touch, as he jerked away from her as if she'd burned him. A pained half smile danced at the corners of his lips before it melted in embarrassment while he turned and all but fled in the opposite direction. Her heart was still stuttering in her chest long after he'd disappeared around the corner into the mess hall.

* * *

 **Author's Note:** Tartarus is a bar from MsSticha's story, _Darkness Falls_ , that she was so kind to let me borrow for this. I highly recommend you read that fic because it's amazing!


	13. Chapter 13

**Author's Note:** As always, special thanks to my beta reader as well as everyone who's left me wonderful reviews. Y'all are the best!

* * *

 _Stupid, stupid. What was I thinking?_ Kaidan had gone over the encounter with Shepard in his mind again and again. It'd been almost three days since their brief conversation outside the sleeper pods. Since then, Shepard had gone out of her way to be around him as little as possible, and only then in the presence of other crew, making the apology he wanted to offer impossible to deliver. He doubted her avoidance stemmed from the topic of said conversation, even taking into account the brief flash of anger he'd seen when she'd reprimanded him for his self pity. No, he was willing to bet her behavior centered around the fact that he'd so casually held her hand, so easily touched her as if he had the right.

He'd waited for the order to come that he would be discharged from the Normandy. You couldn't just grab your commanding officer like that and expect it to go ignored. When their brief shore leave had ended and Joker had disengaged from the docking station with Kaidan still aboard, worry that they were taking him to Arcturus Station for direct hand off to the Alliance's central brig had clouded his mind. He'd assured himself that no, they wouldn't haul him to Arcturus for that. He hadn't assaulted her for god's sake. _But maybe between that and your_ _'adventurous women' comment, she's feeling harassed,_ his mind whispered darkly. It was only later that day, while he sat cleaning his pistol at Ash's side to give himself something to do with his hands, that he overheard Shepard tell Garrus that they were on their way to Noveria to check out a hunch.

"Shepard," Joker's voice crackled to life over the comm system. "I've got an incoming transmission from Admiral Hackett."

"Thanks Joker. Let him know I'm on my way up." Kaidan kept his head downcast and watched from under his brows as Shepard stood and brushed invisible dirt from the thighs of her utility pants before boarding the elevator.

Kaidan turned to Ashley once the doors had shut behind her. "What do you think that's about?"

"Who knows?" she shrugged without looking at him and leaned in close to the assault rifle she was cleaning to make sure that all the moving parts operated smoothly. "If we need to know, she'll tell us."

A short time later, Shepard returned down to the cargo bay. It seemed they did need to know. The Normandy had been tasked with retrieving a surveillance drone that had been monitoring geth activity. Whatever the data module contained, it was important to recover it before the geth could find it. Joker was already navigating them through their detour. Noveria would have to wait.

Kaidan avoided Shepard's eyes as she scanned the room, making mental calculations on who to take to the ground. "Tali, I could use your expertise on this."

"Of course, Shepard."

Shepard's fingers tucked a stray lock of dark hair behind her ear before looking at Wrex. "What do you say, Wrex? Ready to kill some robots?"

"I don't imagine it's as satisfying as watching an organic explode but it'll do." Wrex chuckled dryly.

Tali joined the mercenary alongside the lockers to ready her gear. "You might be surprised, Wrex. The geth explode rather nicely."

Disappointment welled in Kaidan's chest, tightening along his ribcage, upon the realization that the Mako was full. He'd not be going ground side with Shepard, not this time. Dread settled over the disappointment, the two swirling around each other as they created a potent cocktail of regret as it dawned on him that Shepard's choices for the ground team were deliberate. His bold behavior had cost him dearly.

After she dismissed the group, Kaidan wrenched open his locker and stuffed his pistol inside. At least that's what it felt like. In actuality, he opened his locker with steady hands and set the pistol securely in its place, just like he did every other time. Kaidan had built up a lifetime of control; his emotions would not goad him to reckless action, no matter how he felt. As the locker door clicked quietly closed, he excused himself and made his way upstairs to his console.

Earlier that morning, Kaidan had received a message from Chief Engineer Adams asking him to take a look at the numbers for the internal emissions sink. The heat sinks were generating the capacity warning but when Adams and his engineers checked the readings, they were well below the limit. Something in the code appeared to be generating a false positive. Now was as good a time as any to check over it. Pouring over code for one tiny error would require all of Kaidan's focus and, hopefully, take his mind off of the awkward tension between himself and Shepard.

When Joker entered Eletania's atmosphere to drop the Mako to the planet's surface, Kaidan hadn't found the error in the code. Three hours later, Kaidan massaged around the sockets of his eyes, trying to rub away the eye strain he felt from staring at the control panel for so long. He sank into one of the stiff, black chairs behind his console and leaned into his palm with a sigh.

"Not so easy being left behind, is it?" Kaidan looked to his right to see Ash leaning with her hip against the wall. "What'd you do to piss her off anyway? Never thought she'd leave her medic behind." Under Ash's teasing tone, Kaidan could sense a tinge of bitterness. She'd been left behind more than taken on the missions they'd completed so far.

Kaidan shook his head and shrugged, trying to feign indifference. He gestured towards the control panel in front of him. "I've been trying to figure out what's causing the alarm on the heat sinks to activate prematurely. Haven't found it yet and I've spent hours staring at it. That's all."

"Uh huh." Ashley snorted and dropped into the seat next to him. "You can't fool me that easily. Is this about the other night?"

"Of course not. Nothing _happened_ the other night."

"I wasn't _that_ drunk, LT. I could see the sparks between the two of you from my pod. You're lucky you didn't set the ship on fire." Kaidan looked up sharply as Ashley pulled her legs under her and leaned forward on her elbows with a wide grin. She took off, her words nearly running together in her excitement. "Oh my God! What did you do? Did you try to kiss her? No, what am I saying? You're not that kind of guy. Did _she_ kiss _you_? Did you get all romantic and fess up about the crush you have on her? C'mon LT, spill the beans!"

Kaidan found himself fighting a small smile. "Has anyone ever told you that you can be annoyingly persistent?"

"I have three sisters. Annoying is practically my middle name," Ashley smirked back at him.

Kaidan glanced down at his omni-tool. "C'mon. We better go get some dinner before Crosby closes the kitchen." It was her turn to shake her head at him, well aware of his attempt to end the discussion, but she followed him to the mess hall without another word about whatever was or wasn't between him and Shepard. Instead, the two of them spent the next forty-five minutes talking about their families back home. It was nice plus it had the added benefit that any time she started giving him that knowing look, he'd quickly ask her a question about one of her siblings and she'd launch into another story, all discussion of his feelings for Shepard forgotten in her sisterly pride.

They parted ways after dinner. Ashley headed towards the terminals in the CIC where she was meeting with Garrus to run through a combat simulation they'd cooked up. Kaidan suspected they'd wagered another bet, especially after Garrus had been forced to recite Turian poetry to the entire crew after losing the bet from the gun range. As Ash climbed the stairs up, Kaidan went back to his console, hoping that the break and the food had given him enough of a reprieve that he could go back over the code with fresh eyes.

Less than an hour had passed when Kaidan admitted his lack of his focus to himself and took up anxious pacing in front of the control panel. The ground team had been gone for most of the day. Shift change was coming shortly and, although missions could never be counted on to fall neatly within a standard schedule, Kaidan hadn't expected a quick locate and recover job to take so long. _What if they_ _'ve run into trouble? What if they can't make it back to the Mako for extraction?_ Surely, Joker would have mentioned this or sent in a backup rescue team if Shepard and the others were in danger. Right?

Before he could talk himself out of it, Kaidan typed in a series of commands to pull up the ground team's suit data. Any squad member that went on a mission activated their suits to transmit their location and vitals back to the ship for monitoring. They also had long range transmitters that connected with the ship's comm system. That lifeline to the ship had saved their asses on Therum; as the remnants of the Prothean mine rumbled around them, Shepard had radioed Joker and the pilot had been waiting to pull them from the rapidly collapsing ruins, just in the nick of time.

The data showed nothing worrisome. Shepard, Tali, and Wrex were all still together; no injuries or alarming stats on their vitals. Kaidan furrowed his brow as he scanned over the positioning tracker data. It showed that the team had been moving in small circles radiating outward from the drop zone. Kaidan felt a wave of relief wash over him with the realization that the data module must have been damaged in the reentry to the planet's atmosphere and wasn't transmitting its location like it should have. It was no wonder the mission was taking so long if the team had to search for the module the hard way. He clicked out of the program, satisfied with what he'd found.

Still, he woke with both knees tender from being banged into the closed hatch of his sleeper pod as he tossed and turned uneasily in his sleep that night.

* * *

"Damn it, Wrex." Shepard grit her teeth together as the krogan pawed at her thigh, trying to staunch the flow of blood that dripped over her armor. "Help me up."

Tali hurried to Shepard's side and put an arm around her to keep her upright while snapping at Wrex. "Don't you have any medi-gel?"

"I don't carry it. Don't see the need since I regenerate. Benefit of being a krogan." Wrex shoved Tali to the side and hefted Shepard over his shoulder hump. The commander grunted with pain but bit her tongue to avoid crying out. "Why don't _you_ have medi-gel? Quarians are puny enough to need it."

Tali huffed and crossed her arms over her chest. "My suit has built-in tech for injuries and breaches."

"Remind me to never bring the both of you on the same mission again," Shepard mumbled as she fought against the blackness that threatened to overwhelm her.

"Don't guess that it's too much to assume you would have brought your own medi-gel?" Wrex's body rumbled with his words.

"I…always had…Kaidan," Shepard answered just before she passed out.

The voices around her were loud and on edge as Shepard slowly drifted in the plane between consciousness and sleep. The tendrils of pain wove tightly around her, sharp enough that her muscles spasmed in response but not so sharp that she was granted the relief of unconscious bliss again.

"What the hell happened down there?" a man demanded, panic coloring the edges of his husky voice as Shepard's body passed to new hands. Arms held her with tender strength against a solid chest that radiated heat. "You were supposed to protect her." The accusation in those six words pierced her as surely as the bullet had and she flinched away from the anger they held.

"Gentlemen," a softer, feminine voice with a European accent cut in. "You can assign blame later, after we get the Commander stabilized."

The strong, medicinal smell of antiseptic that was unique to the Normandy's med bay washed over her as doors hissed open. The crackle of paper filled the room as Shepard's back was gently set upon a firm surface. Fabric bunched between her fingers as she clutched at the chest of the person carrying her. Her chest thudded in panic at the thought of being left. _Not again._ A whimper pushed its way out of her throat. She didn't want to die alone.

"Shh." A warm hand brushed over her forehead as it smoothed the hair that had been plastered there by sweat and the tight fit of her helmet. "I'm not going anywhere," the voice whispered with a promise.

"Spirits, Wrex," another voice joined them, this one with a distinctive flanging tone Shepard that would recognize anywhere. "What happened?"

"Damn pyjaks made off with the data module so we spent an entire day tracking it down. Must have searched a dozen different colonies. Shepard wouldn't even let us kill the vermin. One of the colonies was at the entrance of a mine so we headed in to search. Found the module and the geth found us." As he spoke, chill air brushed Shepard's skin, sparking the realization that she was being stripped of her armor. A quick pinch to her arm came next, followed swiftly by numbing relief. "Over a dozen of them swarmed and trapped us in there. Our radar and communicators were jammed. Shepard's sniper rifle was useless. I _told_ her to carry a shotgun. If it wasn't for Tali hacking into their systems, we'd be a lot worse off." The voice grew more distant with every word, fading to nothingness as darkness closed around her.

Bright, painful light greeted Shepard the next time she woke. She squinted against the suddenness of it, using her eyelashes as a shield against the intrusion.

"I can turn them off, if you want," a raspy voice offered from the corner. Shepard pushed herself up on her elbows and surveyed her surroundings. Alenko sat in a chair in front of the terminal at the far side of the room with his hands clasped tightly in his lap. The skin below his eyes looked almost bruised and left her wondering how long he'd been sitting vigil over her.

"This shit is getting old," she grumbled. "This is the second time I've woken up in the med bay this month."

A hearty chuckle followed the doctor through the door from the lab. "Perhaps you should stop getting injured, Commander."

"We can't all live the dream, doc."

Dr. Chakwas pressed a gentle hand to Shepard's shoulder when she attempted to sit up further. "You lost a fair amount of blood. You need to take it easy for awhile, let that leg heal. Medi-gel and sutures only go so far and I won't have you ruining my handiwork. You're to stay off your feet for at least another forty eight hours."

"Two days!" Shepard's nostrils flared with the order.

"Be thankful, Commander. There was a time when a wound like that would have taken weeks to heal. Now, if you'll excuse me," she yawned, covering her mouth with slender fingers before she slipped out of the med bay, no doubt heading towards her sleeper pod.

Shepard watched Alenko for a moment, waiting for him to say something. It'd been stupid of her to not take a medic along, all because of her damned pride. Sure, she'd had the urge to kiss him the other night. She'd also had a few drinks. She didn't kiss him though, that was the important part. And yes, he was incredibly good looking. She'd worked with other good looking people before without jumping their bones. Staff Lieutenant Alenko would be no exception. She couldn't jeopardize her mission, or her team, again just because the man had a nice ass. She had more self control than that.

"Is everyone else okay?" Shepard finally asked when it became clear that he wouldn't be the first one to say anything.

He nodded, his eyes glued to the black tiled floor. "Wrex and Tali are both fine. They waited up here for a while but they both nodded off. Dr. Chakwas sent them to get some rest. You should get some rest too."

Shepard's nose wrinkled as she frowned in his direction. "I just woke up."

His head shook while a smile played at the corner of his lips. "Being knocked out with meds and actually sleeping are two different things. You need rest to heal."

"Come over here and make me," she snapped at him, daring him to stand in opposition to his commanding officer. She was being childish and she knew it, but damn it, she did not want to be confined to this bed. She'd never been a very good patient.

His amber eyes flashed up towards her, finally meeting her green glare from across the room. "I will if I have to."

She stared at him in surprise for a second, marveling at the resoluteness in his tone, before a smirk crept over her face as she wondered how exactly he would accomplish that goal. She was tempted, oh so very tempted, to press her luck and find out. A quick shift of his gaze to something on her right pulled her focus away from him. _Oh._ Her smirk melted with disgruntled defeat as she spied a syringe lying on the tray; likely a sedative the doctor had left should Shepard need it. Alenko would know how to use it.

"Fine," she said with a huff and dropped back down to the cot. The lights dimmed with a touch of his hand as he rose from his chair. Perhaps there was still some sedative left in her system or maybe they were right and she really did need to rest. Whatever it was, Shepard felt herself blinking heavily against the exhaustion that suddenly weighed her down. "You don't have to babysit me. I'll be good, I promise." She made an 'x' motion across her chest, earning a full smile from him this time.

"Alright, I guess if you crossed your heart…" His head shook back and forth slightly as he stared down at her with a wry smile. "If you need anything, I'll be outside."

"Thanks. And Alenko, don't worry, I've learned my lesson."

His head cocked to the side. "Which lesson would that be?"

"Never leave your medic behind when you've got a krogan who can regenerate and a quarian who's got a first aid station built right into her clothes."

* * *

 **Author's Note:** I'd been considering poetry for Ashley's end of the wager for awhile. I've never been the best at poetry. And then, while on AO3, I stumbled up _A Brief Guide to Galactic Poetry_ by Fionavar and knew that there was no way I could write something as awesome as the turian poem in that. So I settled with the brief mention in this chapter instead. However, I highly recommend the read. It's really well thought about and wonderfully written!


	14. Chapter 14

It had been a long two days of recovery for Shepard. Each hour that she was confined to her cot added another layer of snappy frustration to her already irritable mood. By the end of the first day, only Williams and Wrex bothered to come in and check on her anymore. The two of them found her hostility amusing, rather than off putting.

With the all clear from Dr. Chakwas, the ship was finally on its way to follow up on Shepard's hunch. The information she'd gotten out of the salarian in Perdition hadn't been much. She'd spent her recovery time scouring the extranet for details about Binary Helix, but her research had produced no clarifying data. Still, it was more than she had on Feros. The salarian's words, ' _things that kill_ ', echoed in her mind as Joker entered Noveria's atmosphere and headed toward the docks of Port Hanshan. The hope that the answers she found here would prove more beneficial than those she'd received on Therum sat heavily on her chest. Already outfitted in her armor and eager to make some headway in this damned wild goose chase, she joined her pilot in the cockpit as he connected with the docking tower to request a berth.

"Normandy, your arrival was not scheduled," the traffic controller relayed back to them. "Our defense grid is armed and tracking you. State your business."

"Citadel business. We've got a Council Spectre aboard," Joker replied.

After a moment, the controller came back with an answer. "Landing access granted, Normandy. Be advised: we will be confirming identification on arrival. If confirmation cannot be established, your vessel will be impounded."

Shepard could practically hear Joker's eyeballs hit the back of his skull as he maneuvered them into the assigned docking bay. "What a fun bunch. I think I'll take my next leave here."

Flurries of snow gusted through the open hangar door as Shepard emerged from the ship's airlock with the rest of the team trailing behind her. They'd all been stuck on the ship for far too long and were itching for the opportunity to disembark, even if only for a couple of hours. The thermal regulators in her hardsuit helped maintain her body temperature but nothing could have prepared her for the icy bite of the wind on her ears or the tip of her nose. Salt crunched under their boots as her group fell into a brisk walk towards the thick glass doors at the end of the docking bay. A welcome party waited for them just outside those doors, barring entrance to the warm interior.

A petite asian woman held her hand up as Shepard's group approached. "That's far enough."

Shepard raised her chin and glared down her nose with narrowed eyes at the woman in her way. "I'm on important business." The woman's eyes widened at Shepard's icy tone but she did not remove herself or her companions from the path. Instead, she demanded Shepard's credentials while introducing herself as Captain Maeko Matsuo of Elanus Risk Control Services. Shepard's lips twitched. _A security guard captain. Cute._ "All you need to know is I have more credentials than you," Shepard replied.

The blonde to Matsuo's left adjusted her grip on the assault rifle she carried while the turian on the right fingered the safety on his weapon uneasily. Matsuo frowned and shook her head. "I can't let you enter the port without confirmation of your identity. Sergeant Stirling, secure their weapons."

"Back away. Nice and slow," Williams ordered the trio of security guards. Not a single member of Shepard's team had hesitated. Seven weapons, off safety and loaded, pointed at Matsuo's outnumbered team. Wisps of blue flickered in Shepard's peripherals as her biotic squadmates flared behind her.

Shepard's green eyes blazed down the barrel of her pistol. "No one takes my weapon."

"We are authorized to use lethal force. You have to the count of three to surrender your weapons." Matsuo's hands folded behind her back in a show of dominance but her knit eyebrows and the waver in her voice belied the confidence she portrayed to her compatriots. "One. Two. Thr—"

"Captain Matsuo! Stand down," a man shouted, his voice tinny through the docking bay's speakers. "We have confirmed their identity. Spectres are authorized to carry weapons here, Captain."

The barrel of Shepard's pistol lowered as Matsuo ordered her squad to holster their weapons. Behind her, Shepard heard her own team mirroring the movements.

Relief flooded Matsuo's voice. "You may proceed Spectre. I hope the rest of your visit will be less confrontational." She turned and took up a position alongside one of the doors while the two guards who had been flanking her moved away.

Shepard gestured for her team to follow her a few steps back on to the docking ramp where she could converse with them in low tones without being overheard. "I need to get info on Binary Helix and, given the greeting party, I doubt it's going to be easy. Our welcome here is tenuous at best and I'm not leaving without answers. I need you to split into groups and try to find me anything useful." Wrex's mouth split into a wide grin. "Covertly Wrex! If you're not in my group, your weapons are to be left on the ship, got it?

"I want a biotic with each group, just in case though." Shepard paused, trying to work out the logistics in her head. "Liara, you go with Tali and Williams. Between the three of you, you'll have biotics and tech skills, plus Williams' hand to hand skills if you need them. Wrex, you're with Garrus."

"Because a krogan and a turian together won't raise any suspicions at all," Garrus flicked his mandibles at her.

She turned and rolled her eyes at him but she had to admit, at least to herself, that Garrus had a point. She could flip Wrex and Alenko but, damn it, after the incident on Eletania, Shepard wasn't keen on separating herself from Alenko again. She needed his medical skills. Never mind the fact that she'd since ordered everyone to always have medi-gel with them anytime they left the ship. Besides, Alenko's combat skills paired nicely with hers. Wrex rushed in too close, making it hard to get a clean shot with her sniper rifle. And she respected the lieutenant. He wasn't above telling her no if she needed to hear it. Liara still seemed to be both intimidated by and infatuated with Shepard, making the asari easy to manage.

"Okay, Wrex, you're with Tali and Williams then," Shepard issued her revised orders. "Liara, you go with Garrus. Message me with anything you find."

Heads nodded in assent before they split up. Shepard noted with satisfaction that, despite the initial grumbles regarding their firearms, the other groups filed back to the ship to return their weapons without further issue.

At the top of the stairs, alarms blared loudly while security drones zoomed in towards them. A human sitting behind the counter startled at the sound and glanced up at the new arrivals. "Weapons detectors," he explained as he hurriedly entered a few keystrokes at his terminal. "Don't mind the alarms." With a final push of a button, the foyer again fell into silence.

"Someone piss in your security chief's coffee today?" Shepard asked after the man introduced himself as Santos Ghent and apologized for the incident in the docking bay.

"She takes her job seriously. She's a valuable asset here," Mr. Ghent bristled. "Now, is there anything I can do for you before you head in?"

"Who can I speak with regarding Binary Helix?" Shepard cut straight to the issue. She didn't honestly expect a straight answer but it wouldn't hurt to try. Meanwhile, the others could suss out information in a more discreet manner. Despite her infiltrator specialization, discretion had never been a strong suit of Shepard's.

Ghent blinked owlishly at her and then his eyes darted back and forth as if looking for an escape route before settling back on her. "I'm sorry. That's privileged information." Shepard fixed a steely gaze on him as her arms crossed over her chest. "The Executive Board does everything in its power to protect the privacy of their client corporations."

"So you can't tell me anything?"

His sigh oozed with annoyance. "Binary Helix's office is inside. You'll find a map of the port just past the elevator when you enter. Whether you'll get an audience beyond the receptionist is up to them. I'm afraid that's all I'm at liberty to discuss."

* * *

"Do you think Shepard's having better luck than we are?" Tali asked her companions as they wandered around the port. So far, every time they'd tried to talk with anyone, the three of them had been met with stony stares. Some admitted that their managers sent out warnings to all the employees, ordering them not to speak to the human Spectre or any of her crew. Failure to heed that warning was grounds for immediate termination.

"I could get answers if I had my shotgun," Wrex grumbled. The surly krogan had been complaining about his lack of a weapon since the minute he'd stowed it back in his locker on the ship. Ashley couldn't really blame him. She felt naked without so much as her sidearm strapped to her hip.

The cubed, glass doors of the elevator spilled them out onto a concrete floored nightclub. It had been her idea to try to get answers from the bar patrons. People were usually much chattier when they'd had a couple drinks. Aliens probably weren't much different. Ashley stared up at a huge rock sculpture that dominated the middle of the room with a curled lip. _It_ _'s a rock. What's so fancy about it?_ Large glass windows dominated one side of the room. Through those windows, the falling snow that had greeted their arrival had escalated to a furious storm. Not a single dot of the landscape beyond could be seen through the swirling flakes.

"Excuse me," a woman's voice called from the corner. "I need a moment of your time."

An asari with a sullen expression and rigid, haughty posture stood to the side of elevator surveying everyone who came in. Tali and Ashley exchanged suspicious looks. Well, Ashley cast a suspicious look at Tali and Tali turned her helmet in Ashley's direction. It was hard to know what all was going on under that thing, but it made sense to assume that's what she was doing. Not a single living body on this port had approached them once they'd made it past Captain Cranky Pants.

"Me?" Ashley raised an eyebrow but approached the asari, stopping a few feet in front of her.

"Yes. The male human at the hotel bar," her head nodded towards a man standing at a table by himself on the other side of the room. "He's a sales rep for Binary Helix. His name is Rafael Vargas. I need you to speak with him."

Ashley's brows raised up on her forehead as she pressed her lips together. "You like to get right to the point, huh? Do you even know who we are or are you propositioning everyone that comes through those doors?"

The asari sighed and rolled her eyes. "Everyone here knows who you are, dull stone. You're with the Spectre. Word of your arrival has traveled quickly. That makes you ideal for my job. You are a known quantity. Or so Vargas will think. He will assume you are here to investigate his company's dirty laundry. That will distract him from your—my—real intentions."

"And what exactly are those intentions?" Tali joined the conversation, suspicion coloring the tinny tone of her voice.

The asari went on the explain that she was on the council of some kind of biotic manufacturing company or…something and that she wanted to ensure that Binary Helix wouldn't be posing any risks to asari copyrights. "The Noveria Branch of Binary Helix has flown in asari biotics. Powerful ones. Commandos, to be specific," she added, as if that would suddenly clear everything right up.

"I still don't see where we come in to this," Ashley said.

With closed eyes, the asari sucked in a deep breath and rubbed her temples before continuing. "You will present yourself as a buyer. On behalf of the Spectres or the Alliance. Discuss their military enhancement programs. Your real objective will be to distract him. I will give you a device that will crack into his personal wireless network. It will upload a variety of monitoring viruses. They will infiltrate Binary Helix when he logs onto their intranet."

"And you can't do this because…?"

"I bungled it," she admitted with a sigh. "He realized I was not a real buyer."

"Gimme a minute to talk it over with my partners." The asari gave a dismissive wave of her hand and stepped back farther into her corner to give the rest of them some space. "What do you think? We need info on Binary Helix, right?"

"If you give me the cracking device, I might be able to alter the code so the viruses route the information to the Normandy, instead of the Aramali Council," Tali said absently, as if she was working the problem out in her head. Then she shook her helmeted face back and forth. "No good. It would take me time to rewrite the code and I doubt she would let us out of her sight with the device."

Wrex leaned over towards the asari. "Are we getting paid for this?"

Her hand fluttered to her chest as she took a step backwards, away from the towering krogan. "I can offer you five hundred credits upon completion."

With a grunt and a nod, Wrex turned his back on her and tightened the circle again. "It's a paying job. Not enough killing though. Still, easy credits."

"We're not mercenaries. We're hunting Saren," Ashley said with a hiss as she glared up at him.

"Basically the same thing," he shrugged. "Just mercenaries for the council is all."

Ashley shook her head. "If Shepard's right and Binary Helix has the Conduit, or even just knows what it is, we don't want anyone else getting their hands on it."

"So what do you suggest?" Tali asked.

"We out her." Ashley's lips split into a glib smile.

"This is a waste of time," Wrex threw his hands in the air and marched back towards the elevator.

"Wrex!" Tali called after him. "Shepard told us to stay together. Where are you going?"

Ashley didn't bother to chase him. She extended her hand and rested it on Tali's shoulder. "Just let him go. It's not like we're getting anywhere anyway. How much trouble can he get in?"

With Wrex gone, she and Tali returned to the Aramali Council's representative to retrieve the cracking device and promised to be back shortly. They crossed the room and Ashley introduced herself to Vargas. Quickly, she filled him in on the agent's plan to infiltrate Binary Helix's network.

"She gave me this," Ashley said as she held the cracking device up between her fingers. When Vargas reached for it, she let the device tumble and slip between her fingers. With a loud crack, it hit the floor and bounced away. "Oh! How clumsy of me." She rushed after it and 'accidentally' crushed it under her boot.

"Well, I guess that takes care of that," Vargas said with a small smile. "I appreciate your forthrightness, Chief Williams. We'll be extra cautious with whomever we do business with in the future. If you'll excuse me."

* * *

"How hard would it have been to just give us a garage pass and let us be on our way? Why does everyone have to make things so difficult?" Shepard muttered under her breath as she and Alenko rode the elevator up to the Synthetic Insights office.

The Binary Helix secretary had refused them entrance any further into the office. She had even refused to allow them to speak with a manager. Shepard had tried the Spectre card but her newfound status held little weight on a planet with no regard for the Council's laws. The secretary's only snippy response had been, "If you have a problem with it, maybe you should take it up with Administrator Anoleis."

In fact, that was just what Shepard had done. She'd learned a few interesting things. Saren was a major investor in Binary Helix. It made her suspicions about the corporation's secret project seem even more plausible. On top of that, Matriarch Benezia had arrived just a few days prior, following an incident on Peak 15—one of Binary Helix's labs. However, Anoleis had refused to grant them access to any of the off-port facilities. The shuttles were grounded and surface access cut off due to the blizzard in the area. Shepard had tried accessing the garage anyway, with the intent to "borrow" a vehicle once she was in, but the guards had not permitted her entrance. She needed a pass just to get through the doors.

Thus, their field trip to Synthetic Insights. Anoleis had not made friends on Port Hanshan since securing the administrator's position. A turian by the name of Lorik Qui'in was willing to part with his garage pass if Shepard went to his office and recovered the evidence that he'd gathered against the administrator. There'd been one catch: Anoleis had some of Hanshan's security team in his pocket.

"Freeze! Hanshan security. This office is sealed," a fully uniformed ERCS guard signaled for Shepard to come to a halt. The second guard pulled his gun and aimed the barrel at Alenko.

One corner of Shepard's lips twitched upwards. "And if I don't?"

"Like I said, this office is sealed. Spectre or not, you have no authority here."

"Maybe," Shepard shrugged nonchalantly before pulling her pistol from her holster and turning it back and forth in her hands casually. "But taking bribes under the table makes you a criminal. I can kill criminals."

The guard's eyes went wide. "You're bluffing!"

"Am I?" A wolfish grin spread over Shepard's face.

Two sets of hands went into the air, palms facing out in surrender. "He ain't paying me enough to take on Spectres, or Alliance troops, or whatever. How 'bout this? You pretend you didn't see us, we'll pretend we didn't see you." The pair skittered past Alenko and Shepard and disappeared into the elevator without a second glance back.

"Let's get in and out of here before they change their minds," Shepard said as she locked her pistol back into its place on her hip.

The two of them silently made their way through the now deserted office complex, finding Qui'in's office on the top floor, at the end of a long overpass that looked down into the lobby. The soothing babble of water cascading down the far wall and into a shallow pool belied the chaotic state of the office. Chairs were tossed haphazardly around the room, datapads strewn over the floor. Whatever Anoleis had been looking for, it looked like his goons hadn't found it yet.

A well concealed switch in one corner of the room brought the water to a trickle, revealing a hidden nook that contained Qui'in's personal terminal. Alenko stood watch at the door while Shepard pulled the terminal from the hole and inserted an OSD. Mission complete, she replaced the terminal and reactivated the water feature. Hopefully, no one would ever know that they had been there. With the office back in order, she and Alenko began to backtrack towards the elevator.

"I don't think you're supposed to be in here, Shepard." Sergeant Stirling, Matsuo's second in command, and two other guards waited at the far end of the overpass.

"No, I'm not," Shepard arched an eyebrow at the blonde woman. "You planning on making me leave?"

"Leave?" Stirling chuckled dryly. "You think I'm going to let you walk-out? Uh-uh."

Shepard cracked her knuckles, all traces of amusement wiped from her face. "If you want a fight, I'll give you one."

"You talk the talk. Let's see if you can walk after I break your legs." Stirling dropped into an offensive stance and pulled the shotgun from her holster as a blue aura wrapped around her.

Before she had a chance to launch a biotic attack at them, Alenko sent a streak of blue racing towards the sergeant. It sent the woman tumbling backwards into a planter with an audible groan. Far enough away from the initial impact, the guards still stumbled on their feet as wisps of Alenko's biotic throw caught them off guard. Shepard hurled a pulse of her own out, meant to disable the guards' shields. Within seconds, the three had been dispatched.

An inhuman roar reverberated through the atrium of Synthetic Insights. Shepard and Alenko dropped behind cover of the thick, concrete railing that overlooked the lower level and shared a silent acrid smell of melting armor and burning flesh curled in the air. After the pause of a sole heartbeat, they rose as a single unit and aimed their weapons in the direction of the noise. Brilliant orange flames sputtered against a hulking mass of red armor that charged towards a lifted mercenary. The deafening crack of a shotgun rang around them just before the lifted body dropped to the ground in a shower of blood.

A beam of red light focused on Alenko. Shepard threw herself at him, tackling him to the ground merely a second before the distinct crack of a sniper rifle echoed in the large room. Concrete in the wall behind them crumbled to the floor with the impact of the round. Shepard immediately righted herself and returned fire, catching the shooter in the shoulder. Alenko's shot followed hers and the sniper went down for good.

"Arrgh! Damn pyjack shit-slinger!"

"Wrex?" Shepard rushed down the stairs to where the flaming red lump rolled on the floor, trying to extinguish the flames. "Alenko, help me get this out!" Finally, the flame flickered out, leaving a charred, blackened mess in its wake.

"It just had to be incendiary ammo, didn't it?" Wrex's gravelly voice wheezed with pain.

Shepard shook her head and tried to help him to his feet. "I thought you like incendiaries, Wrex."

His red eyes glared at her as he rose to his full seven and a half feet. "It's only fun when you're the one shooting it." He took a step forward and stumbled with a loud groan, hand clutched to the hole in his armor. Alenko hurried to him, examining the wound as best he could. With a mighty shove, Wrex sent the lieutenant crashing to his ass on the concrete. "That hurts!"

"God, you're such a baby," Shepard rolled her eyes and reached out a hand to help Alenko up.

"Alright Shepard. How about I set you on fire and we see how you like it?"

"I thought I told you not to bring any weapons anyway," she gestured to the shotgun in his opposite hand. "Let me guess? You forgot."

"I didn't forget. It's not my fault _I_ _'m_ a weapon. I only picked up the shotgun after one of these…guards dropped it." His voice colored at the word guard, as if he found using the phrase for them distasteful.

"Come on. Let's get you back to the ship."

It soon became obvious that the incendiary ammo had done more than superficial damage to Wrex. Each step was labored and slow, his breath escaping from between clenched teeth. It would take them hours to get back to the ship like this, and that was if the krogan didn't pass out before then.

"Wrex, I'm going to try something, okay?" Alenko's voice was a soothing balm. Or it would have been, if the patient had been anyone but Wrex.

"Whatever. Just do what you have to, hair boy."

A field of blue surrounded Wrex and lifted him a foot or so off the ground. Alenko reached out and clasped a hand around one of Wrex's armored wrist guards. He signaled for Shepard to do the same on the other side. Lifted like this, it was easier to propel Wrex through the port back to the ship. A few of the guards in the large lobby approached them but Shepard's glare sent them retreating back to their posts. She'd handle the fallout _after_ Wrex was safely in the med bay.

The blue fizzed out around Wrex and he dropped shakily to his feet as the group entered the airlock and waited for the decontamination process to finish. Shepard glanced over at Alenko, ready to praise him on quick thinking, but her words died in her throat. His face was chalk white, forehead glistening in a sheen of sweat. Before she could ask him if he was okay, he doubled over and collapsed to the floor.

* * *

 **Author's Note:** I went off canon here some: It always was strange to me that Noveria is supposed to be so secretive yet Parasini literally greets Shepard at the door with exactly what she needs to know. I wanted to make them work a little harder for the information.


	15. Chapter 15

Two sets of strong hands grasped Kaidan's arms and lifted him from the floor of the airlock chamber. The movement made his stomach lurch and roll in protest. He hoped he wasn't going to be sick. He brushed the hands away and dropped his own hands to his knees, bending at the waist to help facilitate the flow of blood to his brain to dispel the dizziness he felt.

His migraines were common enough that he should have recognized the warning signs but he'd shrugged it off, blaming the stress of the last few days for the exhaustion, which in turn had made him irritable. It was only during the fight with the guards that Kaidan had realized a migraine was well on its way as dark spots danced before his eyes. _It_ _'ll be fine,_ he'd told himself. The room was almost cleared and then he could head back to the ship.

Instead, Wrex had been badly injured. Despite knowing the toll his biotics took out of him, especially during the onset of a migraine, Kaidan forged ahead. They needed to get Wrex to the med bay for medical treatment as fast as possible. The damage from the incendiary ammo would keep him from regenerating and healing, and the wound, at least the little Kaidan had seen of it, was deep. His legs had been jelly by the time they exited back out into the snow of the docking bay.

Most non-biotics thought in terms of physical strength. To them, lifting the krogan a foot would expend less effort than lifting him to the limit of Kaidan's powers. In fact, it was quite the opposite. Manipulation of dark energy was tricky and, the more precise and controlled it was, the harder the action. Lifting Wrex only a foot and keeping the field wrapped tightly around him so as not to affect Shepard or Kaidan himself had taken a huge amount of effort. Maintaining it for the prolonged amount of time it took to move the large krogan from the Synthetic Insights office to the docking bay had drained Kaidan down to his core.

A couple of the tech specialists had abandoned their terminals and were attempting to carry Wrex down to the med bay. His red, gauntlet covered fist halfheartedly shoved them as he swore loudly, insisting that he could make it on his own. Each word of his gravelly voice was a blow to the base of Kaidan's skull. With a deep breath, Kaidan slowly straightened his spine until he was once again upright and began the trek down to the med bay. The bright lights of the CIC stabbed through his retinas and, involuntarily, he flinched against them.

"Here," Shepard held out her arm to him. When he didn't take it, she raised an eyebrow at him and stretched her proffered elbow closer. "Close your eyes. I'll lead you down there."

He would have nodded thankfully but even that small amount of movement would have been a struggle. Instead, he choked out a quiet thank you and reached for her gingerly. Once his hands were firmly wrapped around her arm, he squeezed his eyes closed, trusting her to lead him safely.

The med bay offered no sanctuary. Before they even reached the door, Kaidan could hear the metallic clattering of tools spilling across the table as Wrex roared in outrage at whatever Dr. Chakwas was doing to him. A door whooshed open and then, a few seconds later, closed again and the clamor faded behind them, rather than growing louder.

Kaidan cracked his eyes to view the dimly lit surroundings and, surprised, took a quick step back, dragging Shepard with him. She'd led him to her quarters.

She turned to face him, carefully disentangling herself from his grasp. "It's a migraine, right?"

"Just a headache," he croaked.

"Uh huh," she snorted, obviously not fooled by his understatement. She gestured towards the unmade bed. "Lay down." Had he been feeling well, Kaidan might have been amused by the unkempt state of her room. It certainly didn't look like the quarters of a marine commander.

"Here?" His eyes must have widened at the thought because she rolled her own at him.

"Yes, here. Unless you want to go to the med bay with Wrex."

The thought of being in the commander's bed was so incredibly foreign that he couldn't make his brain form a complete sentence. "But…you…" he stuttered.

"I'll take your shift in the sleeper pod tonight. You just get some rest."

Unable, or at the very least unwilling, to argue in his present state he sank down onto the mattress, lying perpendicular across it so as not to sully the sheets with his boots. A frustrated sigh reached his ears. As soft footsteps crossed the room, Kaidan lifted his head slightly to see Shepard come to a stop next to him. She reached out and, with sure hands, began unlacing his boots.

"Commander…"

"I told you to get some rest." Her voice was tight with irritation. "Hanging halfway off the bed is just stupid. If you feel bad enough that you can't even take off your boots, the least I can do is help you."

"Fine," he snapped back as self-hatred at the thought of being seen so weak bubbled in his chest. "At least let me keep my underarmor," he added with a glare. It was bad enough that she was stripping him of his boots but Kaidan didn't know if he could handle the mortification of needing to be undressed on top of the pain of his migraine and the knowledge that he'd fainted because of that pain.

Her hands stilled on his second boot momentarily before she tugged, harder than before, and dropped it to the floor. A quick glance out of the corner of his eye revealed that a faint hint of red had crept up her neck to her cheeks. He pretended not to see and shifted so that he was laying on the bed properly. The faintest hint of lemongrass surrounded him as her pillow cradled his head.

The door whooshed open again, her footsteps fading as she left Kaidan alone in her room, in her bed. The pain in his head throbbed with every beat of his heart, taking his mind away from where he was until all he could focus on was the pain. A few moments later, the door announced her return and he felt her presence at her side. A pained but grateful moan slipped past his lips as a cold compress was laid gently on his forehead.

"Dr. Chakwas said that might help," she said in a hushed tone, mindful of his sensitivity to sound. "She also said once she's finished with Wrex, she'd come by with a sedative, in case you need one."

He cracked his eyes open, surprised to see that she had silently dragged her desk chair to the side of the bed. "It's just a headache, Commander. I'll be fine. You don't have to sit with me."

"You stayed with me. It's the least I can do to return the favor, in case you need anything." Kaidan hadn't realized she'd been aware enough of her surroundings as she'd lain half-conscious, weak from blood loss, to know he'd been the one to promise to stay by her side.

Shepard made no other sounds, content to sit beside him in silence until Dr. Chakwas arrived with the promised sedative. The pinch of the needle in his arm almost tickled, compared to the pounding pressure behind his eyes. The injection also contained a tryptamine-based medication to help ease the symptoms of his migraine. Hopefully, when he woke he'd be feeling much better. Drained, but better.

A whisper floated through the room, carried in the silence left behind as the door hissed closed. Kaidan couldn't be certain but it almost sounded like those words were, "Get better, Alenko. I need you."

* * *

Kaidan blinked against the darkness, trying to let his eyes adjust to his surroundings. The room was a silent, black void, obscuring whatever aberration had caused him to wake. When nothing materialized out of the darkness, he rolled to his side and shut his eyes again sure that he had been dreaming.

With a subtle squeak, the mattress dipped and Kaidan's body rolled towards the depression, shifting him to his back. Heat seeped through the sleeve of his shirt as his shoulder collided with another. He didn't remember changing into his BDUs and wondered if Shepard had done so for him after the sedative had taken effect. Flames ignited down his arm, cutting off all thought, as a finger trailed the expanse of visible skin and left a rise of goosebumps in its wake. The finger paused when it reached the tip of his thumb before the hand it was attached to lightly covered his own. The thumb traced small, gentle circles over the pressure point in his wrist, no doubt aware of the thundering of his pulse beneath it.

"Alenko, are you awake?" A throaty voice that he would recognize anywhere rose in the darkness. Time stood still while he tried to gather his wits. Finally, he turned his head to the side, taking in the sight before him. Shepard lay on her side shrouded in shadow, her pale shoulders only slightly darker than the white tank top she wore. Her head was propped up in one hand as she watched him. He realized with startling clarity that it was _her_ hand that still touched him now.

Everything he wanted to ask stuck behind the lump in his throat until he finally croaked out a single word. "Commander?"

She placed her finger over his lips, shhing him softly. "Shepard," she corrected him.

"Shepard," he amended. "What are you doing here?"

The bed shifted beneath her weight as Shepard pushed herself up and swung a leg over him. Muscled thighs pressed tightly to either side of his hips as she straddled him. She leaned forward until the tips of her breasts brushed against the fabric of his shirt and her loose, dark hair tickled the side of his jaw.

"I can't stop thinking about you." Her whispered breath was hot against his ear.

 _You can_ _'t do this!_ His conscience screamed in his head, reminding him of all the rules he'd lived by for the past decade. Not sleeping with your commanding officer was near the top of that list, just under treason and desertion.

The soft sweatpants she wore sat low on her hips, exposing a few inches of her skin beneath the hem of her shirt. Of their own volition, his traitorous hands moved to the flare of her hips. Her skin was smooth, soft, beneath his palms. Never wanting to let her go, he tightened his grip on her and relished in the feel of her hip bones beneath his thumbs. A throaty growl escaped between her slightly parted lips as she ground herself against the rapid swelling in his trousers.

Without relinquishing his hold on her, Kaidan pulled himself to a sitting position. This close, he could see her blown out pupils in eyes that were dark with desire. A sliver of her tongue moistened her lips and then she crushed her mouth to his, claiming him in a fiery kiss that left him breathless and needy. One hand found it's way up her spine and tangled in the soft locks of hair he'd never allowed himself to dream of touching. He throbbed painfully beneath the heat that radiated between them as her tongue slid against his and she rocked desperately against him.

When she arched her back and thrust her chest towards him with another breathy moan, he wasted no time in exploring new expanses of her flesh with his lips. A light dusting of freckles on her shoulders revealed themselves to him as he peeled the strap of her shirt down and let it hang loose off her arm. His lips followed as he left wet kisses down her neck, pausing to suck at the hollow of her throat, before trailing her collarbone with his tongue. Even the slightest of touches encouraged her to make those delicious moans, fueling the fire in him. He couldn't stop now.

"Alenko, please," she whimpered with a hand wound tightly in his hair while his mouth explored the swell of her breast.

Her heat left his body as she leaned away from him. The protest he'd been ready to voice died on his lips as she tugged his shirt from the waist of his trousers, raking her blunted fingernails over his stomach as she pushed the fabric up to bare his skin to her greedy gaze.

"Shepard," Kaidan gasped against her mouth as she reclaimed his lips with her own after tossing the navy blue shirt aside to be forgotten in the corner.

Repeating her movements, she reached for the hem of her own shirt this time. "Alenko, I need you. Now." It was an order, not a request. Who was he to deny her?

"Commander." Her title was a strangled gasp on his lips as rosy tipped breasts brushed against the firm planes of his chest, firing a dozen different nerve endings. The familiar hum of his biotics flared around them and she gasped his name again as the current moved over her as well.

"LT! Wake up!"

* * *

Kaidan's eyes shot open and he jerked to a seated position. Commander Shepard was nowhere in sight. Instead, an amused gunnery chief stared at him with twinkling brown eyes. Horrified, he snatched a pillow to cover his lap hoping to hide the one thing his dream hadn't fabricated, desperately hoping that she hadn't already noticed.

No such luck. Ashley stared at him with a smug smirk. "You know, I bet she _does_ like to be called 'commander' in bed."

"What are you doing in here?" He ground out the sentence from between clenched teeth.

She folded herself into the desk chair that Shepard had occupied when he'd last been awake. "I wanted to see how you were doing. Clearly, you're doing alright." She paused stared down at her hands in her lap and picked at a loose cuticle. "I was worried about you, LT. First Shepard, then you and Wrex."

"You could always check on him," Kaidan growled weakly, his irritation melting at the sound of real concern in her voice.

"No need," she laughed. "He's back down in the cargo bay, bitching at anyone who so much as looks at him."

"How long have I been out? Did Shepard leave for Peak 15?" He left off the 'without me' bit, despite that being what he really wanted to know.

"Nah, not yet. She busted Anoleis though!" Excitement colored her voice, bringing the smile back to her face. "Turns out his secretary was really with internal affairs and that OSD you two recovered contained all the evidence needed to put him away. You shoulda seen him squirm."

Kaidan latched on to the first few words and parsed out the rest. The second she paused to take a breath, Kaidan filled in the silence with the question burning his tongue. "So, she's still here?"

Ashley shook her head, accompanied by a groaning sigh. "Yes, LT. She's still here. Apparently, Benezia's up at the lab. Probably with a butt load of asari commandos. No one thought that was odd or anything and just let them right on in. The blizzard outside is damn thick so Shepard figured we could wait until morning before taking a Mako through the mountains.

"Don't get too excited. Well, any _more_ excited," she grinned lasciviously at him, "but I think Shepard was hoping to take you. For your biotics. Wrex is on the mend but that freaky krogan regen crap is slower than normal so he's out. Liara's the other one going. Biotics against biotics and all that or something. I think some nice solid armor and a big gun would do just fine but, hey, what do I know? It seems stupid to take Dr. T'soni though when we _know_ her mother is up there, if you ask me. Like we're just asking to be double crossed."

"Luckily, I didn't ask you, did I?" The door opened with a whoosh and Shepard swept inside, shooting a deep glare at the chief before turning her gaze to Kaidan. A genuine smile lit her face while she looked him over, assessing his condition. "How ya feelin' Alenko?"

"Better, thanks."

"Much better," Ashley coughed into her hand. She pressed her lips tightly together when Kaidan shot a stony stare at her. The ornery gunnery chief excused herself and slipped past Shepard, pausing to wink at Kaidan over the commander's shoulder.

"Don't mind her," Shepard said as she dropped into the recently vacated seat. "She's just pissed to be left out again."

"Makes sense," he nodded, pretending to consider Shepard's observation. It was a much better alternative to her catching on to the real meaning behind Ashley's words. "She's a good soldier, Commander."

"I agree. If I didn't think Liara might come in handy…" Shepard froze. The muscle in her jaw ticked as she watched Kaidan out of the corner of her eye.

His eyes went wide, realizing what'd she not quite admitted to. "You're taking her…as bait?"

"Not bait." Her arms folded across her chest in defiance. "As a reminder to Benezia of what she's fighting against. Maybe Liara will be able to talk some sense into her. She _asked_ me if she could go, for god's sake."

His palms raised, acquiescing to her authority.

She watched him carefully. Something in his expression must have assured her of the sincerity behind his gesture because she relaxed a bit further into the chair and dropped her arms to her lap. "If you're not up to it, I'll take Williams instead."

"I'm up to it," he assured her, crossing his heart over his chest with a grin.

She flashed white teeth at him with a wide smile when he copied the gesture she'd made when it had been her in the med bay. "You better not be lying to me, Alenko." The smile disappeared as her brows knit together in a scowl. "When you end up out like this, you're no use to anyone, especially me. You're my medic. I need you, remember? Don't ignore it next time, you got it?"

"I won't, Commander. I promise."

"Shepard," she corrected him. His breath caught in his throat as the conversation from his dream played out, in reality this time. Evidently unaware of his dumbfounded expression, she crossed over the threshold of the door and back into the belly of the ship with a reminder of what time he needed to be down in the cargo bay. After the door closed behind her, Kaidan flopped back onto the mattress and pulled a pillow tightly to his face to hide the shame that coursed through his body.

* * *

 **Author's Note:** I've never written smut before. I figured I'd dip my toe in the water, so to speak, with this chapter and try to ease myself into it.


	16. Chapter 16

"What's our next move, Commander? Head for the Mu Relay?" Williams looked over at Shepard from her chair in the comm room. After the mission—and showers for the ground team to clean off the rachni guts—Shepard had gathered everyone for the post mission debrief.

Shepard leaned forward, letting her forearms rest on her knees as she contemplated the question in silence. "No point," she finally answered and slouched against the back of the chair. "The Mu Relay could link to dozens of systems. Unless we know exactly where Saren's going, we'd just be wasting our time."

"The commander is right." Liara's added quietly, a hint of steel that hadn't been present until now lurking in her voice. Her blue eyes locked unflinchingly with Shepard's. "We cannot rush off blind. We still need to learn more about Saren."

Williams leaned back and crossed one ankle over her knee as she glared at Liara, obviously still sore about being left behind again. "Who put you in charge? Did the commander resign when I wasn't looking?"

"We're all on the same team here, Williams. She's just trying to help." Her chastisement lacked bite but Shepard found herself coming to the asari's defense all the same. She certainly couldn't question Liara's motives any longer; not after Peak 15.

* * *

Benezia was supposed to have been in the hot labs. At least, everyone that Shepard had encountered once they'd made it to Rift Station had said that's where she would be. Of course, the secret that Binary Helix was hiding up on Peak 15—the fucking rachni of all things—was a clue that the employees locked down on the station shouldn't be trusted. It had become even more clear when a molecular geneticist, a "recent transfer" to the science team, turned out to be a sleeper agent for Benezia lying in wait. With a team of geth and asari commandos at her side, the geneticist had ambushed Shepard and her team in one of the quarantined laboratories.

Shepard and her squad skirted the twitchy guards barring entrance to some restricted labs that were supposedly shut down. They'd gone through a maintenance area instead and hacked into a back door. Shepard was actually insulted that the guards had underestimated her resourcefulness. Benezia had thought to have a sleeper agent in place in case Shepard showed up but didn't think to place a few guards at _all_ the exits?

Once in the restricted labs, the three of them had crept slowly through the area on high alert while Alenko kept a steady gaze at his scanner for hostiles. Something must have been masking the signal because, when they turned a corner to check one of the rooms, an asari in a long, black gown stood on an elevated platform ahead of them. Liara's tiny gasp of surprise was the only sign that Shepard needed to confirm that she was the powerful asari matriarch they were looking for.

Benezia hadn't turned or or acknowledged their presence in any way. She'd started talking, seeming to address the glass tank in front of her. "You do not know the privilege of being a mother. There is power in creation. To shape a life. Turn it toward happiness or despair. Her children were to be ours. Raised to hunt and slay Saren's enemies." She'd turned slowly, flicking her dark eyes to her visitors. The way she glided forward, with no immediacy in her action, reminded Shepard of a panther toying with its prey but sure of its victory. "I won't be moved by sympathy. No matter who you bring into this confrontation."

"Liara's here because she's a member of my crew," Shepard had said, stretching the truth a little.

"Indeed?" Benezia appraised her with a smug smile, as though she knew Shepard's real motivations for bringing Liara along. Her dark gaze had then turned to her daughter. "What have you told her about me, Liara?"

"What could I say, mother? That you're insane? Evil? Should I explain how to kill you? What could I say?" Shepard glared over her shoulder at the young asari. _Information on how to kill Benezia would have been nice. Too late now. Guess we_ _'ll have to do this the old-fashioned way._

Benezia ignored her daughter's outburst and stared down at Shepard. "Have you faced an asari commando unit before? Few humans have."

"You won't look so smug with a hole in your head," Shepard quipped while she pulled her pistol from her holster.

"Your insolence is a poor mask for your fear." Benezia sprang into action, sending a streak of blue racing towards them. Before she could leap out of the way, the stasis field caught and froze Shepard in place.

Doors at every corner of the room hissed open, bringing with it the pounding sound of footsteps as geth and asari commandos poured in. Battle erupted around them, the stasis wearing off just for Shepard to find herself pinned in a corner with combatants on both sides. Alenko and Liara's biotics swirled in brilliant colors as they flung enemies to the side, opening holes for Shepard to cut through as she moved quickly from cover to cover, trying to take down the enemies on the far side of the room. Liara fought without hesitation or discrimination. Her biotic attacks found Benezia as often as they arced against their nameless adversaries.

Every time the battle seemed to wane, more fighters would pour through the doors. Shepard didn't know how much longer the three of them would last like this. All their shields were near depletion, their weapons close to overheating. A wave of hopelessness surged through Shepard as a singularity vortex opened to her left. A gloved hand grasped her arm and hauled her away from the gravity well. Liara released Shepard and, in the same instant, a flick of her wrist sent a warp streaking towards the upper platform. The attack had shredded the last of Benezia's shields and sent the powerful matriarch to her knees.

* * *

Williams's voice brought Shepard back to the present. "Sorry, Commander. And, uh, sorry Liara."

"Look, this is a tough mission," Shepard said and pushed herself to her feet. "We're all on edge. Everyone, go get some rest. Crew…dismissed."

After the team had filed out, leaving her alone in the large room, she scrubbed her hand across her eyes while she waited for Joker to patch her through to the Council's channel. Talking to the three councilors was the last thing she wanted to do, especially now after coming down off an adrenaline rush and sagging with exhaustion, but she had to alert them to the presence of the previously thought extinct rachni.

"You found rachni on Noveria?" The asari councilor, Tevos—Shepard had finally learned their names—couldn't cover her shock with the impassivity of a politician fast enough after Shepard had briefed them.

The turian councilor, Sparatus, didn't even try. His bitonal voice dripped with condemnation. "And then released the queen! Do you have any idea what you've done? How many generations until they overrun the galaxy?"

"Uhh, three? No—four!" She couldn't resist. There was just something about his condescending tone that reverted Shepard to an adolescent version of herself.

In truth, she hadn't been able to bring herself to kill the queen. History told of their aggressive, territorial nature and the absolute decimation they had wrought against the galaxy, but Shepard knew first hand that history was painted by those who survived. Usually in a manner that justified the victors and vilified the defeated, or at least whatever made the best headlines. Shepard hadn't been there; no one _alive—_ not even the long-lived krogan or asari—could give first hand testimony of the Rachni Wars. It wasn't her place to wipe out the last remaining individual of an entire sentient species based on two thousand year old history books from before humanity had even made it to space.

"This is no joke, Commander!" The holograph had no problem displaying the anger in his raptor-like eyes. "The rachni were one of the greatest threats the galaxy ever faced."

"We've got bigger problems than one rachni queen," Shepard scoffed. "Or have you forgotten what I told you about the brainwashing power of Saren's ship that came out of nowhere? Anyone that has been in contact with him could be indoctrinated and we might not even know it!"

"How can we be sure that Matriarch Benezia wasn't acting of her own accord?" Tevos asked. Shepard would have thought that, of all of them, the asari councilor would have jumped at the explanation rather than believe treachery from one of her own.

"Yes," Valern weighed in for the first time in the conversation as his oblong head bobbed in agreement with his co-councilor. "Indoctrination seems a convenient excuse when faced with justice."

"I saw it with my own eyes! One minute she was willing to kill her own daughter." Shepard's hands balled into fists at her sides and she locked her eyes on Tevos. "You were so sure she'd never allow Saren to kill Liara. How do you explain her willingness to do so herself? Then with the next breath she was giving us information that could help us stop Saren."

The hologram flickered as Sparatus twitched his mandibles in scornful amusement. "Ah, yes. The Mu Relay. The supposed coordinates to a relay that has been missing for millennia, yet she gave you no destination. It's highly probable that she was feeding you scraps in exchange for mercy. Or trying to distract you by sending you off on…what do you humans call it? A chicken chase?"

Once again, the council called into question Shepard's decision and her judgment, Sparatus most of all. The urge to rip his mandibles off his face coursed through her veins.

"Why did you even bother making me a Spectre if you're not going to believe a thing I say?"

"Our role is to offer guidance and advice, Commander," Tevos said.

"You must be aware that your actions have far-reaching consequences," Valern added. "We are here to provide you with insight beyond your species scope of understanding."

Shepard clenched her teeth together hard enough to make her jaw ache as she resisted the urge to disconnect the call. She was sure that she must have steam coming out of her ears as Sparatus continued, either oblivious or apathetic to her anger.

"It's up to you if you're smart enough to listen."

Before Shepard could respond to the turian councilor's passive aggressive barb, Tevos thanked her for the report and severed the link.

"Self-righteous pompous douche bags!" The coffee mug in her hand shattered against the far wall. Black liquid dripped down the titanium alloy of the walls and pooled in a wet mess on the floor. "Shit." Shepard stared at the spreading puddle, already regretting the hasty reaction that resulted in the unacceptable loss of her caffeine.

"I take it they were as charming and helpful as ever," Joker said over their link, his voice joining her in the empty room. "It'd be nice if you'd leave my ship in one piece. I mean…your ship. I'll, uh, be up here if you need me." The radio clicked as he disconnected.

Her anger still churning just below the surface, Shepard marched towards the chow hall, hoping that the crew had taken her advice and were getting some rest. Her mood foul, she had no interest in striking up a conversation with someone. Williams sat with her back to the door, omni-tool open to a vid showing a younger, smiling version of herself.

The bubbly voice of the girl, so unlike Williams' blunt approach, reached Shepard's ears as she paused in the doorway. "Oh, before I go. We saw Kaidan in a news vid about the Normandy. He's cute! Later, sis."

Irritation layered itself over her anger and Shepard cursed under her breath, wishing she had another coffee mug to shatter. She was about to turn and leave when Williams pivoted and saw her in the doorway.

"Oh, hey, Commander," she smiled with a cringe. "Let's, uh, pretend you didn't hear my stupid sister?"

"I heard it," Shepard snapped. "I shouldn't need to tell you it's inappropriate to gossip about how 'cute' your superior officers are." _Fuck, stop being an asshole._ She dropped into the chair across from Williams and raked her fingers through her still damp hair. "Sorry. Shitty day, shitty call to the Council."

"It's cool, Commander." Williams accepted her apology with a half-smile.

With a mind of its own, Shepard's tongue voiced the question that was supposed to remain unasked. "Are you interested in the lieutenant, Chief?"

"I have _no_ interest in Kaidan. And anyway," her smile morphed into a knowing smirk, "scuttlebutt says he's already sweet on someone." Her smirking lips rearranged themselves into a grim line. "I, uh, didn't just get him in trouble, did I? Frat regs and everything?"

Shepard stuffed her hands into the pockets of her hooded sweatshirt and resisted the urge to satisfy her curiosity and ask who exactly the lieutenant had expressed interest in. "Don't sweat it. I don't care about the regs." Williams brows bumped her hairline. "Hey, as long as you can do your job, I don't care what my crew does in their personal time."

The chief sagged back against her chair. "Makes sense, I guess. Have you ever, you know?"

"No, never. Not that I haven't thought about it," she admitted slowly. "But you know that saying though: 'don't shit where you eat'."

Williams snorted. "Yeah, I get you. There was this one guy, James, on Eden Prime. Oh, no, no!" she added in response to Shepard's wince. "He was reassigned to a base out in the Kepler Verge before all that crap with the geth went down. Anyway, he was cute in that scruffy way—you know the way I mean—and sure, he made me feel kind of tingly but thinking I might have to make a call about his _survival_ after we'd done "the deed"? I couldn't live with that on my conscience."

"I could," the monster in her said—the one that liked reminding people that she was not like them, that underneath Alliance uniforms darkness lurked in her soul. She fixed her unrelenting stare on Williams' brown eyes and waited for the look of condemnation she expected. "A fuck's just a fuck. I'm not going to let that stop me from doing my job. But it's less complicated with someone I'll never see again. That way I don't have to deal with them following me around like a love sick puppy."

To Shepard's surprise, Williams' face showed no signs of revulsion. There was an unexplained undertone of sadness in her voice when she added, "That makes sense, I guess."

The demon wouldn't win. Not today. It'd been so long since Shepard had allowed herself to get to know the people she worked with beyond their skills in the field. This shakedown run had turned into all kinds of new and unusual. Why not add one more abnormality to the list? And, despite her initial misgivings about Williams, there was something about her that reminded Shepard of herself. Brash and blunt, determined to prove herself. Sure, she lacked a certain respect for the chain of command but Shepard could hardly fault her for that. It's not like she herself was any better at sticking to the letter of the law.

Shepard asked her about the sister she'd seen in the vidmail. Williams beamed as she answered. She was open and eager to discuss her large family with Shepard. Not for the first time, Shepard wondered what it would have been like to have at least one sibling. Or maybe she did. She'd never known her parents. It was possible she had at least a half-sibling, somewhere out there. Either way, she'd never share the bond that Williams shared with her three sisters. It was something that couldn't be forged by blood alone.

Shepard laughed when Williams finished telling her about her sister, Sarah, breaking a pushy boyfriend's nose. "She cracked him in the face. Good! You ask me, boys need a cold shower that lasts from age twelve to twenty-five. Some of them longer."

"They have their uses," Williams flashed a wide smile at her. "Not _all_ of them keep their brains in their pants."

"True, though those are few and far between."

"Yeah. Anyway, I've got some duties I need to get squared away. It was nice talking to you, like this." She pushed her chair back and rose to her feet. "Not trying to step out of my place, but you really should talk to T'Soni about her mom. She has to be hurting."

"Thanks…Ashley." The use of her name may have seemed like a tiny difference but, for Shepard, it was a huge step forward. And better to start with Ashley, since she hadn't fantasized about kissing _her_. "I'll do that."


	17. Chapter 17

"You gotta love all these jumps," Joker smirked at Kaidan from his place in pilot's seat. They'd just made their third jump of the day, finally making it to the Attican Beta cluster. With no other leads and no clue where to head if they traveled to the Mu Relay, Shepard had ordered Joker to set a course to Feros. No word had been heard from the colony there since geth had been sighted weeks ago. After this long, the chances of arriving and finding anyone alive was pretty slim, but it was better than sitting and twiddling their thumbs, waiting for the Council to forward them a new direction to head in.

" _You_ love all these jumps," Kaidan retorted with a fond smirk of his own, accompanied by an exaggerated eye roll. "There's no record for least amount of drift."

"Not _now_. But when someone records a drift worth memorializing, well…then we'll see."

"Change of plans." Kaidan peered over his shoulder and was greeted with the sight of Shepard in faded sweatpants and tank top. Bare feet peeked out from beneath the hem of her pants, explaining how she'd sneaked up on them so easily. Dark circles bruised the hollows under her eyes and her dark hair was coiled into a messy braid that touched the top of her freckled shoulder. He swallowed thickly and fought the urge to count those freckles as the image of her from his dream flooded his vision.

"Is everything okay, Commander?" he asked. A simple question was his safest approach.

"I thought I told you to get some sleep," she mumbled around a yawn. Long fingers gripped the headrest of Kaidan's seat and she bent forward, letting her head fall between her outstretched arms. He tried not to breath too deeply of the scent that was uniquely hers as she continued. "I just received a transmission from Admiral Kahoku. He's got information on whoever lured those marines into the thresher nest."

Kaidan twisted in his seat and stared at her. "Has he alerted the Alliance?"

"They _are_ the Alliance. Or, at least they were."

"Shit," Joker gaped at her. "First a rogue Spectre. Now a rogue Alliance group? Is the world going crazy or what?"

"Fucking nuts," she agreed with Joker. With a sigh, she met Kaidan's gaze over the back of his seat. "They're a rogue black ops group that goes by the name of Cerberus. He thinks anyway. He doesn't have much proof but he had coordinates to one of their research worlds."

Kaidan arched a brow. "The three headed dog that guards the gates to hell? That's not ominous at all."

"Tell me about it. The admiral thinks they're after him now for knowing too much." Her already bleary eyes, bloodshot with exhaustion, drooped as yet another responsibility fell to her with more lives on the line. It was their jobs, as marines, to "stand strong and stand together" to defend humanity, but it seemed lately that an inordinate portion of those duties fell in Shepard's lap. She raised a palm to her mouth to cover another yawn before continuing. "Before I came in here, I asked Pressly to plot a course for Binthu, in the Voyager Cluster. You should get the coordinates as soon as he's done."

"Aye, aye, Commander. I'll get us there as fast as I can."

* * *

An hour out from Binthu, the crew gathered in the cargo bay to prepare for the drop. As an Alliance mission, Shepard had selected Kaidan and Ashley to make up her team. The close lipped smile she couldn't keep from her face poorly concealed Ashley's triumph as she pulled her armor plates into place.

"T'Soni, hit me with one of your warps," Wrex lumbered over to where Liara sat huddled on a shipping crate. Ever since the fight on Noveria, the asari had been more withdrawn than usual. Maybe Wrex's odd request could shake her out of her grief, at least for a little while.

"I…what?" She frowned and looked up at him, her head tilted to one side in a decidedly human mannerism.

"I feel fine. But I don't know if I can regenerate again yet," Wrex's hump lifted in a shrug. "Not unless I'm injured to test it."

"You…you want me to injure you? On purpose?"

Ashley grinned at him from her place at the weapons bench. "I could punch you, if you really want."

"Hehehe," Wrex's chest rumbled with his deep laugh. "I doubt you'd inflict enough damage to truly test my capabilities."

"Ouch," Garrus wheezed his turian laugh from his usual position by the Mako's wheel well.

"Ouch?" Liara turned to him. "Are you injured as well, Garrus?"

Tali groaned from her perch beside him. "Ignore him. I think he's picking up human expressions."

"I suppose biotic boy could always throw me into one of these support beams." Wrex said as he turned his beady red eyes towards Kaidan.

Kaidan glanced up from the pistol inspection he was conducting. "I thought I was hair boy?"

"You got a promotion," Wrex answered. Kaidan felt oddly touched by the strange sentiment. "Are you going to throw me, or not?"

A loud crunch, punctuated by an even louder roar, followed his question. Shepard, who had appeared out of nowhere, stood by the cursing krogan's side, a faint smile twitching at the corner of her lips. Wrex glared at her armored fist before spitting orange blood on the floor at her feet.

"Well?" A single brow arched while her palms raised in a cocky shrug. "Are you back in tip-top shape yet?"

"Hmm, seems I am," he answered. "Thanks Shepard."

"Anytime." She crossed over to Garrus's side. "Sorry, Vakarian but I'm going to need to borrow the Mako."

"Can you at least _try_ to bring it back in decent condition this time?"

"No promises," she said with a smirk before signaling for her two marines to climb in with her. "Let's go find out what these Cerberus bastards are up to."

* * *

It took an hour of guiding the Mako up and over rocky terrain before they picked up a signal from a nearby outpost. With Alenko triangulating the signal, Shepard followed his directions and steered them towards it. The vehicle lurched to a stop at the crest of a high hill as the bunker, nestled in the dip of a valley in front of them, came into sight.

"Commander, I'm getting readings from two turrets down below," Alenko said after running a scan with his omni-tool.

Keeping the natural cover of the terrain between the turrets and themselves, Shepard maneuvered them in closer. The ground shook as projectiles slammed into the dirt on the opposite side of the hill. It was sheer luck that these turrets weren't equipped with heat-seeking missiles and, instead, relied on line of sight targeting only. When they were finally within range, Shepard punched the accelerator and launched them towards the bunker while Ashley manned the gun.

With both turrets blown to bits, the three marines hurried from the Mako and took up positions on either side of the bunker doorway. No enemies rushed through the entrance. With a forward wave, Shepard signaled for them to move. Ashley took point and entered the bunker first with Alenko directly behind her. Muzzle up, she swept the right corner of the room, looking for any signs of movement. Alenko did the same with the left. Shepard brought up the rear and hugged the right wall, keeping her pistol focused on the door at the opposite side of the room.

Nothing. Not a single soul, hostile or otherwise, waited for them in that first room.

A narrow hallway led them to a second, large room. This time, a rippling blue barrier sectioned off the center of the room. The three of them worked silently together, darting from cover to cover until they'd made it to the opposite side of the barrier. Gunfire and the echoing whomp of biotics filled the air as a small team of commandos engaged them in combat. A vortex of blue collided with Shepard, sending her sailing into the back wall, followed by the laser beam of a sniper rifle taking focus on her chest.

"Fuck!" she screamed as another biotic blast, this one from Alenko, sent her tumbling out of the line of fire. It wasn't any less disorienting knowing the 'attack' had been friendly but the toss probably saved her life. The round from the rifle only barely clipped her shoulder, leaving her more pissed than injured. She took her anger out on the next Cerberus asshole that she caught between her sights. A scientist, by the look of his uniform, but the pistol was no less deadly in his hands than in the hands of the commandos.

She gave her lieutenant a nod when they'd eliminated all the hostiles. "Thanks for the assist, Alenko."

Ashley stood with her assault rifle trained on a skittering insectoid creature within the barrier's walls. "What the hell is that thing?"

"Looks like Cerberus somehow got their hands on a rachni," Alenko said while he examined the logs of the terminal in front of it. "We can't leave it here. Not if it's anything like the ones on Noveria."

"Geez, LT! Your description did _not_ do the creepiness of this thing justice," Ashley said, squeezing off a few rounds once Alenko had dropped the barriers.

Shepard rifled through some nearby datapads, looking for any information about the rogue group's activities on Edolus. Though she didn't find what she was looking for, the contents of one of the pads caught her eye.

"Looks like Cerberus has other bases on this world," she called out to the others.

Alenko joined her and copied the coordinates for two other facilities on the world into his omni-tool. His close proximity filled her nostrils with the sweet, pungent zing of ozone, like the sharp smell before a thunderstorm. She pushed past him and marched for the exit with eyes alert for any signs of reinforcements. When it was clear that no one was lying in wait for them, they piled quickly into the Mako and set off towards the next facility, hoping to maintain a small element of surprise.

"Do you think Cerberus is working with Saren?" Ashley voiced Shepard's silent concerns as the Mako creaked and climbed over a rocky incline. "I mean, how _else_ would they have gotten a rachni?"

"I'm glad Liara wasn't with us. Seeing it probably would have made her think of Noveria. Poor kid. Having to kill her own mom." Shepard glanced behind her in time to catch the frown on Alenko's face. He looked up and locked eyes with her. "She's seemed quieter, more than usual lately. One of us should talk to her, make sure she's doing alright."

Shepard turned back to the windshield to avoid the weight of his stare. She was the least qualified person to check on the 'feelings' of her crew. "Everyone keeps telling me to do that."

"You haven't talked to her yet, Skipper? I thought you said you were going to do that?"

"Oh, look! There's another bunker and, judging by the rockets headed our way, I'm pretty sure this one is equipped with turrets too." Relief flooded through her when the conversation died out and was replaced with the rat-a-tat of the Mako's mounted machine gun.

The main laboratory of the second bunker was much the same as the first. A blue barricade sealed off a portion of the room while commandos and research techs prowled the perimeter. Alenko's biotics sent hostiles and equipment sailing into the air, making them easy targets.

Instead of rachni held behind the barrier, strange humanoids wandered aimlessly around the area. In place of hands, long bone-like claws extended from their wrists, but otherwise they looked mostly human. A closer look revealed that the…things were corpse-like with sickly grey skin stretched tight over their skeleton. Their faces were made up of the stuff of nightmares: skulls stripped to the bone with black, empty eye sockets. Shepard didn't want to know what they were and she never wanted to see them again. She just wanted them dead.

The revolting smell of months-old decaying flesh spread throughout the room when the barrier went down. The things turned as one unit and began running directly towards the three marines. Round after round impacted into the corpses and still they kept coming. A flick of Alenko's wrist sent them flying backward as the putrid creatures closed the distance. The center thing slammed into one of the support columns and exploded, leaving behind a puddle of green goo. The other two did not falter and were once again racing across the room with outstretched claws.

Shepard yelped and leapt out of the way as one of the creatures spit in her direction. "Did they just…projectile vomit at us?"

"Watch out! It's acid!" Alenko warned as the bile splashed and sizzled near his boots.

Another twist of his wrist sent the remaining things floating into the air where they collided into the support beams with a heavy thud. More bullets riddled through them until they finally popped, showering bits of flesh and bubbling green slime to the ground below them. Shepard and the others kept their distance to avoid melting the soles of their boots and hurried back to the exit, ready to get as far away from this place as possible.

"I wonder what monstrosities Cerberus has been cooking up at the next base," Ashley said once they'd climbed back into the Mako.

Shepard huffed out a breath of air and started the engine. "Let's go find out."

The third and final facility was also only guarded by turrets. Like the other two, no guards waited in the immediate interior either. _Were there no alarms or warnings to alert them that they had intruders? Were the different facilities so insulated and secretive about their research that, even though they operated on the same world, they never communicated?_

"This has got to be _the_ shittiest black ops group ever," Shepard said after they'd secured the front room and found no one there.

The few inhabitants of the bunker were prowling around the room where they did their research. Shepard, Alenko and Ashley moved seamlessly as a silent, deadly unit and swept through the Cerberus commandos with ease, aided by the fact that the layout of this bunker was exactly the same as the previous two. The arrogance that they'd never be discovered had left more holes in their operation than Shepard could even count.

Small creatures skittered to and fro behind the protective barrier but they never strayed far from an unmoving lump near the center. Alenko brought the barrier down and the three of them dispatched of the tiny rachni workers easily. Without the swarming creatures and distortion from the barrier field, the thing Shepard had thought of as a lump crystallized into the image of a body wearing Alliance dress blues. She hurried forward and knelt beside the body of Admiral Kahoku. Her jaw clenched when she found no pulse.

"Shepard," Alenko's hands were warm on her shoulder as he pulled her away.

She whirled away from him and fired shot after shot into the already dead commando until her pistol overheated. The bullet-ridden body did little to appease her fury. There was no relief in punishing the dead.

"Skipper, you should see this," Ashley finally said when Shepard holstered her pistol. Alenko handed her a datapad. The shipping invoice contained the location of a major Cerberus facility on Nepheron.

"One last stop to make, Commander," Alenko said quietly when she'd finished reading it. "We owe Kahoku that much."

"You bet your ass we do," she said before radioing Joker for extraction. While they waited, she forwarded the coordinates to Pressly, marked urgent. They'd set course for Nepheron the minute her fire team was back on board.

Dirty and exhausted, and more than a little angry, the three Alliance marines exited the vehicle somberly. As soon as the Mako was secured in the cargo bay, Shepard stalked towards the cockpit, ignoring Garrus' unhappy humming noise as he took stock of the vehicle.

"How soon, Joker?" She folded her arms over her breastplate.

The pilot's nose wrinkled at the smell of her. "Long enough for you to get a shower."

"How. Soon?" The words were a hiss between clenched teeth.

"A couple of hours, Commander," he winced and kept his gaze firmly on his console, avoiding her angry stare. "I've got us in FTL. We're going as fast as we can."

* * *

The rough scrape of rock against armor made Shepard cringe each time she elbowed her way forward along the peak of a hill. The sound would be lost to the wind but, to her ears, was a dead giveaway to her position. Down below, the Cerberus base was surrounded by soldiers. A glance through her scope showed at least four men, two of them armed with sniper rifles of their own. More scraping alerted her to Ashley's presence at her left. Alenko hung back below the crest to keep himself out of range while the women lined up their shots.

Their first shots each took down one of the soldiers. Ashley's second shot took down a third but Shepard missed as her second target dove behind a metal barricade. He popped out of cover long enough to fire at them and then dropped back behind his safety before Shepard's next round had reached him. The bullet lodged itself harmlessly in the sand behind him.

"Commander!"

A strong thrust from Ashley's hand sent the two of them tumbling down the incline. Shepard slammed into a rock and came to a stop on her back in time to see a rocket sail over their heads. Shepard grasped Alenko's outstretched hand and let him pull her to her feet. She snatched her sniper rifle from the ground and glared as the offending missile disappeared behind another hill.

"That fucker has a rocket launcher?"

There was no point in being subtle any more. Cerberus knew they were here. Ashley bounded back up the slope, Shepard hot on her heels. More troops had joined the soldier with the rocket launcher, replacing the men that had fallen in the initial burst of fire. The two groups traded shots back and forth until, finally, the last man guarding the bunker fell. No more soldiers left the building. Time to head inside and finish the job.

The door closed behind them and, suddenly, deafening cracks echoed in the small space. Bullets ricocheted off metal as the three of them returned fire blindly and dove behind the nearest crate for cover. Ashley leaned around a corner and Shepard peeked over the top, keeping a visual on any hostiles that might be trying to close the distance. Alenko pulled his omni-tool. The heat signatures in the room indicated that there were at least half a dozen, maybe more, in the large room they'd entered.

Blue energy curled around Alenko. The minute he flicked his wrist, Shepard rose from the safety of the crate firing at anything carried in the tendrils of biotic energy that he had released. Screams replaced gunfire as her shots hit flesh. They moved from cover to cover, taking out anything that moved with no mercy. All too soon, it was quiet, save for their ragged breaths.

"That's it. Bag 'em and tag 'em." Alenko's voice was tight, his tone harsher than anything she'd previously heard from him.

A door in the back wall led to a t-shaped hallway. Ashley guarded the juncture, letting Shepard and Alenko clear the room that capped the right end of the t. Finding nothing of interest, they rejoined Ashley and crept towards the final room. There was no one left to ambush them. All the Cerberus soldiers must have joined the fight up front. Shepard swore under her breath. Where was the person in charge? Where was the guy she could put under the barrel of her gun and demand answers for the atrocities they'd encountered? Who could she wring justice out of for the admiral's murder?

No one remained to bear the burden of atonement. Instead, the last room was empty, save for large servers that connected to a single terminal at the far side of the room. The screen was dark but hummed to life when Shepard punched the side of the terminal. The hum morphed into a loud, blaring alarm and the blank screen filled with a fast trail of jumbled words and numbers. _A drive wipe protocol! Of course it had a drive wipe protocol. Do something!_

Alenko was suddenly next to her. His omni-tool's orange glow lit his face as he ran a sequence to connect the systems remotely. He worked patiently, every movement he made steady and sure as copies of files began to fill his screen. The Cerberus terminal blinked twice and shut down.

He looked up at her as his 'tool went dark. "They're encrypted but I got what I could before the memory wiped itself completely."

"Ah, LT," Ashley patted him on the shoulder with a grin. "You're so much more than a pretty face. What would we do without you?"

Shepard's shoulders slumped. Ashley was right; _Alenko_ had salvaged this mission, not Shepard. She might have used her sniper rifle to take out the sentries but Ashley could have done that. She might have killed the commandos out front, but she hadn't done it single handed. Without any data to shed light on Cerberus' activities, they were just a bunch of dead mercs. The anger Shepard felt towards Cerberus had made her reckless and short sighted beyond the violence of retribution. How the hell could she be expected to stop Saren and an entire aggregation of unknown factors if she didn't even have the state of mind to hack—a skill she was quite good at—into a single terminal?

"Good work, lieutenant," she said as she swallowed her self-pity. "Now, let's go decrypt some files."


	18. Chapter 18

**Author's Note:** Thank you to everyone who is still reading along, commenting and leaving kudos! It really makes my day to see them. :)

* * *

Kaidan stood over his console, waiting for the transfer of the Cerberus files to complete, when Shepard's voice nabbed his attention.

"Alenko, cancel that transfer."

"Ma'am?" His eyebrows bumped together in a frown. The data was all they'd walked away with, aside from the corpse of a decorated Alliance admiral.

"I got a call from an agent for the Shadow Broker. Apparently Admiral Kahoku promised him information in exchange for the location of those facilities."

Kaidan's mouth dropped open. "You're just going to give it to them?"

"Hell no!" Shepard curled her lip with contempt. "That information got the admiral killed. I contacted Hackett. We're taking it to Arcturus to turn it over to the Alliance directly. And, despite the fact that we've handled it solo up to now, brass has decided to class it top-secret." Bitter indignity colored her words. "They've revoked our clearance to work on it. Guess they don't want anyone knowing their little dirty secret."

He raked his fingers through his hair with a sigh and turned back to the console. This was their mission and it didn't feel right not to see it through but an order was an order.

She was still standing there when he finished. "Shepard…"

"I don't want to talk about it," she held up her hand as if to stop him before he could offer the same words of sorrow and comfort she'd heard from the rest of the crew. "I don't even want to think about it."

If she didn't want to talk about it, Kaidan wasn't going to be the one to push her. He'd overheard Ash trying to reassure her that they hadn't failed the admiral. 'They'd gotten to the facility on Binthu as fast as they could.' 'Even if they'd hit the last facility first, his body was long cold.' 'You've got solid proof now, at least.' None of the statements had pulled Shepard out of the swirling vortex of anger and guilt that she was trapped in. On top of that, both Doctor Chakwas and Pressly had worked with Kahoku over the course of their career and both were hurt and devastated by his murder. Shepard had been avoiding the two of them since breaking the news once they'd returned to the ship from Binthu.

"Distract me." Her green eyes blazed from under her brows as she watched him expectantly. His hand ached to reach out and trace the scar over her right eyebrow. If that didn't distract her… But he was sure that wasn't what she meant.

A smile cracked over his lips as an idea formed in his head. "Alright, Shepard."

Kaidan crossed to the table in the center of the mess deck and gestured for her to sit. He waited for her inevitable question but she said nothing as she lowered herself in the chair, instead contenting herself to watch him with a furrowed brow as he took the seat next to her. She froze with a sharp inhale when he took her left hand. Ignoring the way her calloused fingers fit in his, Kaidan toggled her omni-tool to on before turning his attention to his own. With a few swipes of his fingers, he established a link between their 'tools and sent her a program.

Frowning, she glanced at it and then addressed him with icy contempt. "Is this some kind of unsubtle hint that I fucked up today?"

"What?" His brow furrowed as he tried to connect the dots. It only took a second for it to click into place. "Oh, Shepard. No," he reached for her and gave her arm a reassuring squeeze, taking extra precaution not to let his touch linger. "It's a game. You, uh, you said that you didn't really have any hobbies but, since you like hacking stuff, I thought you might like this."

A wary smile surfaced on her lips as he forged ahead and pulled up an easy puzzle to demonstrate. News of her appointment as XO had left Kaidan hoping to learn from her but here he was, teaching _her_ something. You didn't get to her levels of accomplishment by being reluctant to try new things, but he still couldn't stop the spread of the grin over his face. Heat radiated from her body as she leaned over his shoulder and watched with rapt attention. The only thing that could make this better would be if she actually enjoyed herself and truly forgot about the whole mess with Cerberus even for a little while.

"Make sense?" he asked when she looked up from her first completed puzzle. He continued when she nodded. "So, here's the real challenge. We both work on the same puzzle…timed. Whoever completes it first wins."

Her eyes twinkled with the turn of events. "You're on!" She hunched over her 'tool, the tension noticeably tight in her body as she waited for him to signal to start.

"Go!" Her fingers dashed furiously as she worked to solve her puzzle first. He almost let himself get distracted when she sucked her lower lip between her teeth. Only his strong grasp of self control pulled Kaidan back to the task at hand. He focused on the numbers in front of him, pushing Shepard and her kissable lips as far from his mind as he could.

"Okay, I was a total newbie!" she laughed when Kaidan finished a few seconds ahead of her. It's the first time he'd heard her truly laugh. It wasn't a dry chuckle or that sarcastic snort she made sometimes when she rolled her eyes, usually at Wrex. This sound was bubbly and warm; it was sweet, unrestrained joy. In that moment, Kaidan knew that he'd do anything to hear it again. "C'mon, best two out of three!" she begged.

When he beat her a second time, she leaned back and folded her arms across her chest. "Haven't you ever heard that it's good manners to let the boss win?"

He stared at her for a moment, silently appraising the serious look on her face. "I didn't think you'd appreciate me throwing the game."

"You're right," she said and flashed him the smile she seemed to reserve just for him. "I wouldn't have."

"Three out of five?" he offered, not wanting to call it a night yet.

"I may be competitive, but I'm no masochist. At least give me some time to practice." With a squeak, her chair pushed back from the table and she stood, the warm weight of her hand settling on his shoulder for a second. "Thanks, Kaidan."

Her body stiffened and her full lips pressed themselves into a thin line. Before he could ask what was wrong, she straightened, taking her warmth from him, and stalked towards her room as the mantle of commander settled firmly back on her shoulders. It was only as her door hissed closed behind her that Kaidan realized that she'd addressed him by his name for the first time. He replayed it in his head over and over, listening to the way it rolled off of her tongue. His name sounded beautiful in her throaty voice. Burying his head in the crook of his arms on the table, he finally acknowledged the truth: he was falling in love with his commander. He was well and truly fucked.

* * *

"What's got you all perky this morning, LT?" Kaidan was staring into his omni-tool, a huge grin spread across his face. Ashley plopped herself down in the chair next to him and plucked a sausage link from his tray. He didn't even notice. She jabbed him in the shoulder to get his attention. "Earth to Kaidan!"

"What? Sorry," he said, finally looking up at her.

"Message from home or something?" She nodded towards his 'tool.

"Oh…uh, no. Just that message from Shepard. Er, the commander."

Ashley frowned and pulled up her own 'tool. "What message? I didn't get anything." A double check confirmed the empty state of her inbox.

"Oh. She wanted to meet when we dock on Arcturus. I figured it was another training exercise."

"Leave it to you to be excited about off-duty training."

The ship was scheduled to dock sometime after breakfast. Shepard had a meeting scheduled with some Alliance admiral, Ashley didn't know which but, in the meantime, she'd given the crew a few hours of downtime on the station. Everyone was looking forward to getting off the ship, maybe getting some real food. Helen, one of the corporals who worked under Pressly, was especially excited about it. Ashley had overheard her talking to another crew member about her fiance, who happened to be stationed on Arcturus.

Even the aliens were excited. For all four of them, this would be their first look at the Alliance Navy headquarters. Garrus had asked her if she wanted to do something when they were in port or maybe show him around, but she'd pretended that she'd made plans to meet up with a friend. She liked Garrus and no one was more surprised about that than her, but it wouldn't be a good idea for General Williams' granddaughter to be seen wandering around a human space station in the friendly company of a turian.

"Maybe it's a biotics thing?" Kaidan offered. Ashley realized she was still frowning.

She shrugged and nabbed the second link from his plate. "Maybe. Or that nerdy tech stuff you guys like so much." Color flooded his cheeks. She narrowed her eyes and stared at him. _What exactly about_ _'nerdy tech stuff' would have the lieutenant blushing like a schoolgirl?_ Before she could tease him about it, Tali joined them at the table. It was one thing to razz a superior officer when it was just the two of them, but she wasn't about to embarrass him in front of one of their guests.

"Kaidan, will Arcturus have a market where I can purchase omni-tool upgrades? I think this one is malfunctioning."

"Have you tried…" Ashley tuned out as the two of them went back and forth about the different tests to run to verify the state of the microprocessor or microframe or whatever micro thingamabob that made omni-tools function. "If you still want an upgrade, I can always buy it for you and you can just reimburse me later, if the exchange won't let you buy it yourself. I can meet you after I meet with Shepard. Or we can go while she's in her meeting."

Tali looked up from her dextro breakfast that looked surprisingly just like regular eggs. "We're meeting with Shepard again? I didn't get anything!" She activated her omni-tool and began cursing at it in her native Quarian tongue.

"Don't feel left out," Ashley said. "I didn't get one either."

"Didn't get one what?" Liara asked, claiming the seat next to Ashley.

Ashley filled her in on Kaidan's message. Liara hadn't received anything from Shepard requesting an audience either. Tali ruled out tech stuff and now, with Liara left out of the loop as well, biotics were probably out too. Ashley quirked her head towards the lieutenant who suddenly seemed captivated with his breakfast and refused to meet her gaze. She may not have any biotic skills or tech talents, but one thing Ashley Williams did have was the power of observation. Not that Kaidan was particularly hard to read anyway, especially when it came to Shepard, but still. Something fishy was going on.

* * *

Shepard leaned with one shoulder against the doorway into the cockpit, watching Joker as he maneuvered them towards Arcturus Station. Funny how it was only a few weeks ago that they were departing from the station with Anderson as captain and only one alien on board. It was there, as she pondered how everything had changed so quickly, that Ashley found her.

"Hey, Commander," Ashley said as she took up residence on the other side of the doorway.

"Oh, hey. Any plans when we dock?"

Ashley waggled her eyebrows with a smirk. "Nothing as exciting as a secret rendezvous."

She knew. Somehow Ashley knew about the furtive message Shepard had sent to Kaidan in the wee hours of the morning when she hadn't been able to sleep. When he talked to her, she focused on his lips and wanted to know what kind of kisser he was. When he walked in front of her, it was all she could do not to reach and find out if his perfectly toned ass was as firm as it looked. She couldn't remember ever lusting after a man as much as she lusted after this one. Around oh two hundred that morning, she'd come up with an ingenious idea and sent him a brief message, asking him to meet her when they docked. She had hopes that they'd meet up, find somewhere private, and they could bang out this sexual tension so she could finally get it out of her system.

Shepard grabbed the gunnery chief by the arm and dragged her out of earshot of the nosy pilot. She kept going until they'd reached the small divider that separated the comm room door from the main room of the CIC.

"It's not any of your business what I do when we're off the ship," Shepard hissed as she let go.

"I guess it's not work related then." Ashley's dark gaze narrowed to crinkled slits. "Maybe it's _not_ any of my business what my commanding officer does, but I thought we were friends, Shepard. Or getting there, at least. And Kaidan _is_ my friend."

"So?"

"You made your opinion on sex pretty damn clear. Do you honestly think Kaidan's the kind of guy to just do a one time only, no strings attached thing? On top of that, you're his commanding officer. What kind of position are you putting him in when you proposition him?"

"It's not like I'd be _ordering_ him to fuck me." Shepard didn't even try to deny her intentions. The damn chief was sharp, sharper than Shepard had given her credit for.

"C'mon, Shepard," Ashley shook her head in disgust. "You're not that dumb. Either you're using your position as leverage, or you're taking advantage of the way he looks at you." _The way he looks at me?_ Shepard glanced up sharply but Ashley continued without clarifying. "Either way, it's a shitty move."

"I—"

Ashley held up her hand as she interrupted Shepard's rebuttal. "I'm not done. Kaidan's a great guy. He's smart, he's funny; not bad to look at either. And he's one hell of a soldier, even if he's a sentinel." A lopsided smirk brightened her features for a moment before her scowl reemerged. "He deserves better than you using him to scratch an itch. If you're that hard up, find some stranger on the station. Hell, I'll go with you and play wingwoman if you need me to."

"Uh, Commander?" Joker's voice interrupted them. "We've got a squad of stars and bars waiting outside the airlock. I think you'll have to postpone the rest of your girl chat for later."

"You should go. Just…don't do it, okay?" Ashley said. With a final look over her shoulder, she left Shepard standing alone in the small alcove.

Once the gunnery chief was out of sight, Shepard slammed her fist into the divider. She sucked a sharp wince through her teeth as her bones crunched with the impact against the metal wall. What did Chief Williams know anyway?

* * *

He watched the groups of passerby, looking for the familiar gleam of chestnut hair in the crowd. Kaidan glanced over at a nearby clock. It was twenty minutes past the time Shepard had asked him to meet her, but he adjusted his seat on the bench and sat firm. Maybe the meeting with the admirals was running late. It was a long accepted fact that 'hurry up and wait' was the unofficial motto across all military branches.

After an hour, Kaidan rose to his feet and sighed. If he didn't leave now, he'd be late getting to the exchange to meet up with Tali. Something must have come up. It's not like they couldn't talk once they were back on the Normandy. Still, he couldn't deny that he'd been looking forward to spending some time with her outside of the ship, even if the topic of conversation had still been work related.

As he and Tali wandered around the military exchange, Kaidan noticed a few of the shopping humans giving Tali suspicious and, in some cases, dirty looks. A few were outright hostile as they crossed to the other side of an aisle with a glare. Tali made no mention of it, her focus entirely on the displays and demos of new tech gadgets and upgrades set up at the back of the store. It was only after a sales associate refused to help her without Kaidan's insistence that she seemed to crack.

"Are you okay?" he asked, placing a hand on her shoulder and ignoring the incredulous look on the cashier's face as they checked out.

It was only due to spending weeks getting to know her on the ship that Kaidan could hear the slight tremor in her voice when she replied. With her face hidden behind the protective helmet, there were no visual clues to her distress. "Many think less of quarians. They see us as scavengers, little better than thieves. Plus, my people created the geth and it was a human colony the geth destroyed. Still, after everyone was so friendly on the Normandy…it's a little much to take in."

"Forget them," Kaidan scanned his credit chit and snatched the bag from the cashier that contained the upgrades Tali had picked out. He shot a scathing look over his shoulder as they left. "Anyone that ignorant isn't worth paying attention to anyway."

They exited the exchange, Tali's purchases tucked firmly in the small bag that swung from her wrist. Hoping to turn the mood around, Kaidan suggested that they go get a bite to eat somewhere before they had to head back to the Normandy. It'd be a nice change of pace to eat something other than ship food. Tali declined politely; excitement had replaced the hurt in her voice making it obvious that she wanted to rush back to the ship. Kaidan grinned and bid her goodbye. If he'd bought upgrades for his Logic Arrest, he'd be hurrying back with her.

He was on his way to Solstice—a small cafe he'd frequented often when he'd been posted on Arcturus and home of the best steak sandwich on the station—when he spotted Shepard tucked into the far corner of a restaurant with a datapad in her left hand. The right was wrapped tightly in white gauze. The table she sat at was littered with plates and bowls containing the remnants of an odd selection of foods; a plate with only the crust of a pizza left, another with a half eaten burger and fries, a bowl of soup, a platter stacked with assorted pastries, and a cup bearing a few uneaten pieces of fresh fruit. If the leftovers were anything to go by, it had probably been enough to feed three average people.

"Shepard, hey." He slowed to a stop at the edge of the table.

Her mouth opened and closed again as she looked up to see him standing next to her. "Kaidan. I got caught up, with…a thing. I figured you wouldn't have waited."

"No worries. I thought as much. Is your hand alright? I can take a look at it, if you want."

"It'll be alright soon enough. Sometimes the truth hurts." She waggled her right wrist a little as reassurance that it was fine.

He turned with a grin back to the food that surrounded her. "Are you sure you're not a biotic?"

"What?" She followed his gaze to the half empty plates. Her pale cheeks flamed as a hot blush raced up her neck and swallowed her freckles.

"I'm sorry. I meant that as a joke." He took a step towards the door. "Maybe we can talk later, once we're back on the ship."

She reached for him, her fingers lightly grazing along his wrist. "Do you want to sit? If you've got time now, I mean." He hesitated, not sure if her offer was genuine or extended out of politeness. She rolled her eyes and kicked out the chair across from her. "Sit."

"How did it go with the admirals?" he asked as he settled himself into the chair.

She groaned and rubbed at her face while she grumbled over the way they'd commandeered the files from Cerberus and warned her not to speak a word of it to anyone. Almost on cue, his omni-tool pinged with a gag order for him as well. Of course, the entire crew of the Normandy knew what had happened on the mission, including the non-Alliance personnel, but that was as far as the information should go. Apparently they were worried about moles in the system.

"You look like you have something on your mind."

He sighed and squeezed the back of his neck before dropping his hand back to the table. "You've had to make some tough calls."

"You mean the rachni. You think I should have dissolved her in acid?" She didn't try to hide the revulsion on her face.

He shook his head. "Off the record, if we'd had the option I'd as soon left it to the Council. What I mean is that I get the sense this won't be the last of the hard decisions. I'm just…try to leave yourself a way out. I've seen what cutting corners can do to someone. And I'd hate to have that happen to you, Shepard."

Her full lips pursed as she rested her chin in her uninjured hand, but she remained silent. He rushed ahead, not wanting her to misconstrue his words. "I'm not questioning any decision you've made, rachni or otherwise. Let me be clear about that. It's just my experience that once someone lets something slide, it tends to pick up speed. You get my meaning?"

"Talk to me, Kaidan. You've got a little black raincloud sitting over your head." A hint of amusement colored her voice as she leaned forward to listen to what he had to say. _No backing out now._

He shared a small smile with her, all the while his stomach churned and knotted. "I'll try to keep the deck dry."

It'd been a long time since he'd talked about BaAT with anyone. To his surprise, it felt good to open up. Of course, that could have had something to do with Shepard's attentiveness. When she talked about herself, she usually was vague and, more often than not, completely closed off. As the listener though, she was engaged and asked questions. Somehow Kaidan found himself off track as he answered her questions about his life there as a kid; the friends he made, the things they'd done for fun in their down time, how hard it had been being so far from home without any contact with his family.

"It must have been nice, having other kids you could trust," she said while her fingers shredded one of the remaining danishes. She sounded almost wistful when she asked, "Did you have any close friends?"

"There was a girl I spent a lot of time with. Rahna…She was from Turkey. Her family was very rich. But she was smart, and charming as hell. Beautiful, but not stuck up about it. Like you, I guess." He glanced up sharply and hoped she hadn't heard his slip-up.

Shepard muttered under her breath, something he couldn't make out exactly but what sounded like 'not the only thing in common.' Before he could ask her what she meant, she blurted out, "Did you love her?"

Kaidan frowned. Maybe. He didn't know anymore, not after everything that had happened. "She was…special and maybe she felt the same, but…Things never fell together. Training. You know."

He rubbed the back of his neck as he took a moment to pause. "I was actually going somewhere with this," Kaidan smiled and circled back around to the topic of the turian mercenary who'd become his instructor. "Vyrnnus cut corners, pushed hard. I mean, you either came out a superman or a wreck. And a lot of kids snapped. A few died. The point of all this—I guess—is that when you cut corners, it's not always obvious who pays for it."

She leaned back in her chair and wrapped her arms around herself. "Why are you telling me this? Are you saying I'm cutting corners somewhere?"

"I'm saying it's probably inevitable that we'll have to. And when that happens, I want to help you." He drummed his fingers on the table in an arrhythmical beat but held her gaze. "When someone special to you is up on a ledge, you help them."

Shepard worried her bottom lip between her teeth for a moment. "Special, huh?"

"I got some signals. Maybe some static too, I guess." Kaidan's shoulders slumped as he swallowed his disappointment.

"I think I'm full of static these days." She dropped her eyes down to a piece of pineapple and stabbed it a few times with her fork.

They sat in silence for a few more minutes. Kaidan didn't know where to go from here. _Stupid. Shouldn_ _'t have opened your big mouth._ Starting now, he wouldn't mistake her friendliness for anything else, a lesson he was ashamed hadn't stuck yet. She'd made it pretty clear already that she wasn't interested. His 'signals' were just wishful thinking.

"I, uh, I should probably get back to the ship," he finally said, avoiding her eyes as he rose from his seat.

Shepard pulled out her credit chit and settled her tab with the automated system built in to the table. "I'll walk with you, if that's alright." she added with a small smile. Damn his heart.


	19. Chapter 19

The good news: the colonists on Feros were still alive. The bad news: the welcoming party consisted of one of those colonists getting blown to bits by a geth rocket trooper. Shepard squashed the guilt she felt over not prioritizing the colony. Kaidan's big, whiskey colored eyes as they took in the state of Zhu's Hope told her he felt much the same. They'd done the best with the information they had available to them. No use crying about it when there were things her team could _actually_ be doing to be helpful. At least Ashley had the good grace not to pipe up with an 'I told you so'.

First things first; get to Fai Dan, the colony's leader. Before the man who had greeted them had been vaporized, he'd relayed news that the geth were making another push to overrun Zhu's Hope. Fai Dan was hoping that Shepard's team would provide much needed reinforcements. Shepard sent a hasty message back to the ship, ordering the aliens still on board to meet them at the colony, before signaling to her fire team to move out. If the geth were pushing for another attack, they didn't have time to wait for more reinforcements to gear up.

"Nice place to visit, but I wouldn't want to live here. Scratch that; it's not a nice place to visit," Ashley quipped dryly as the three of them picked their way through the crumbling ruins.

Kaidan shot her a reproving glare. "Makeshift defenses, untrained civilians. It's a miracle anyone is still standing." She winced at his words and said nothing further.

Small fires, largely ignored by the colonists, dotted the perimeter of the outpost as they closed the distance to the negligible barricades. There were much larger concerns than a few fires that would burn themselves out in time. Every colonist, shell shocked and with trembling hands, pointed them deeper back into the outpost.

"Oh, Commander! I'm glad they finally sent somebody to help us," a weary man with tired eyes and deep creases between his brow greeted her and introduced himself as Fai Dan.

The woman at his side, one of only two colonists that had been outfitted in armor, glared at Shepard with open hostility. "You're a bit late, aren't you?"

Before Shepard could respond, the mechanical whirring and clicking that was unique to the geth filled the smoky air. The humanoid machines flooded down the stone stairs of a decaying building and descended on the colony like locusts. The three Alliance marines rushed in front of the fatigued colonists, drawing the machines' fire. Fai Dan rallied the citizens of Zhu's Hope with cries to protect the heart of the colony.

"Looks like I arrived just in time!" Wrex shouted and charged into the narrow hallway.

Shepard jerked around, caught off guard by his sudden appearance. The rest of the team had indeed arrived. Quickly, she shouted orders. Garrus nodded and scrambled on top of the freighter faster than she'd thought he could move and set up a sniping position. Tali immediately launched one of her defense drones to guard the entrance they'd arrived from before cocking her shotgun and guarding the exit Wrex had just cleared. As Liara took up a defensive stance alongside Fai Dan and the guard, a swirling vortex of blue rippled and shimmered around the three of them, encasing them behind the protection of a biotic barrier.

With the others to keep the colonists secure, Shepard and her fire team charged after Wrex. Even a krogan battlemaster couldn't take on an entire platoon of geth by himself. Not that he wouldn't try.

They fought their way steadily upstairs until reaching a room exposed to the sky above. The roof had been blown out, leaving this floor of the building open to the elements. A geth dropship crowded out the sight of the clouds and deposited more geth on their position. With every geth they cleared, another landed heavily among the stone to take its place.

Finally, the geth ship must have run out of reserves and flew away, giving the four of them a much needed reprieve.

"That should keep Fai Dan and the others safe. At least for a little while," Kaidan said when the ship had disappeared behind a bank of clouds. "We should head back and update them before we leave for the main geth encampment."

"Did you want to run this mission?" Shepard snapped at him.

Ashley stared back and forth between the two of them, no doubt wondering if this conversation was purely work related or if it stemmed from an awkward, post sexual liaison. Though she'd been adamant at the Arcturus docking bay about Shepard not carrying out her plans to 'scratch an itch' with Kaidan, the chief hadn't bothered to confirm if Shepard had taken her advice.

Shepard had felt on edge around the lieutenant ever since their brief stay at the Alliance station, even more so now that she'd acknowledged her sexual attraction to him. She'd been exceedingly grateful to Ashley for convincing her not to go through with her stupid, one-night stand plan. Shepard liked Alenko. He complemented her fighting style well. Sleeping together would have ruined their professional relationship. Indeed, when he'd found her alone at the restaurant and called her special, it had taken everything in her not to bolt.

 _They should have made him the damn Spectre,_ Shepard grumbled as she shoved her pistol back in its holster. She'd been knocked out by a beacon, passed out after blood loss from a bullet to the thigh, choked on a simple hacking job, and ruffled all the wrong feathers along the way. Alenko was diplomatic and calm under pressure. Even the fucking krogan liked him.

"Lead the way," she said with a wide sweep of her arm and a barely restrained eye roll.

Alenko's thick brows knitted in a frown before he let out a harsh breath and took point back towards the outpost.

As they neared the tower's exit, a blue barrier settled around the four of them. The biotic forcefield rippled and dissolved under the blast of an assault rifle. Shepard jerked her weapon free just in time to see Tali rush to step between them and the female guard who'd been standing with Fai Dan. Alenko shot a crooked grin over his shoulder, tinged with just a hint of smugness, as they crossed the courtyard. The squad mates she'd left behind gathered around them when they came to a halt.

"This place is a mess," Garrus said. "I can't believe the colony held out as long as it."

Ashley grinned and clapped the turian on the back. "Us humans have remarkable strength of will." His mandibles twitched but he made no move to shake her hand from him.

Wrex hmmphed. "Colony's tougher than it looks."

"These people are brave, but the geth are relentless. My people know this better than anyone." Tali's head turned from side to side, on the lookout for more geth attacks. "This will not stop them."

Fai Dan joined them and thanked the crew for securing both the tower and the colony, even if it would only be a temporary relief. The guard, Arcelia, echoed Tali's warning; the geth would be back again once they'd had the chance to regroup and gather more forces for another assault. The colony, once over a thousand strong, had fallen back to Zhu's Hope when the first wave of geth had obliterated their defenses. Now only the few dozen at the outpost remained. The retreat had cost them dearly and left them with dwindling food and water sources and, somewhere along the way, they'd lost their power supply as well.

Shepard divvied up the responsibilities between her reinforcements from the Normandy. She would leave them behind to assist the colony while she and her fire team made a push for the geth's main base at the ExoGeni headquarters.

"Of course, there's an army of geth between here and there," Fai Dan warned her when she made her plans known.

A vicious grin spread across her face. "Good. Every geth I kill brings me one step closer to Saren."

* * *

An elevator, still operational despite the sorry state of the building, deposited the three of them at the mouth of the skyway. A long bridge stretched between the crumbling towers of Feros and led from the Zhu's Hope outpost towards ExoGeni's headquarters. Kaidan could just make out the burned out husks of vehicles amid the smoking clouds that dotted the skyway.

"I hope neither of you are afraid of heights," Ashley said, staring down over the edge into the tops of the clouds.

Before either he or Shepard could reply, a loud, mechanical hum overhead announced the arrival of a geth ship. Debris and rock scattered as a pair of heavy geth armatures dropped from the open hatch. Immediately, the large machines sparked and began to glow as they charged their pulse cannons. Kaidan had seen what those devastating pulses could do; more than one blast in the right spot could short out a Mako. He shuddered to think what one would do to them on foot. Luckily, the ruins and shells of abandoned vehicles provided them with much needed cover.

"We're picking up a comm signal," Kaidan said between huffs as he caught his breath when they ducked into a small tunnel. His omni-tool crackled and clicked with a transmission full of static. "It's weak, but there's definitely someone out here."

Shepard, with her torso leaned out of the doorway of the tunnel, pulled the trigger of her sniper rifle before turning towards him. "Are you sure it's not coming from the outpost?"

"I'm sure."

She nodded and turned back to her scope without another word. Kaidan frowned, but didn't have long to dwell on her cold behavior. Fai Dan hadn't been kidding when he'd said that an army of geth sat between them and the headquarters they needed to get to. They needed to get to the other end of the skyway before any other geth ships dropped more presents for them.

When they made it to the far end of the skyway, an automatic hatch lifted and permitted them entrance into an enclosed garage. The farther into the garage they went, the more the static diminished from the radio chatter until finally the transmission was clear. Shepard raised her fist, signaling them to stop. From the top of a ramp, Kaidan could see down into a room at the bottom, the opening at the far end heavily guarded by armed mercs. Shepard, apparently having decided that they were in little danger, walked steadily down the ramp with her hands lifted clear of her holster. Kaidan and Ashley followed her example.

A jumpy man with a mustache pulled a pistol on the three of them once they'd cleared the barricades. "That's close enough!" A woman at his side urged him to relax.

"I suggest you put that weapon down unless you're ready to use it," Shepard snarled.

The calmer woman introduced herself as Juliana Baynham, a scientist at ExoGeni. The man beside her was Jeong, the on-site chairman of the company. Between their bickering, Kaidan managed to catch that Jeong had ordered the evacuation with little thought of anyone left behind. Even the news that survivors were making a stand at Zhu's Hope had him shrugging his shoulders callously. His entire plan was waiting on company support to rescue anyone left standing. He near had an aneurysm when Shepard announced her plan to clear the geth out of the headquarters. Before they left, Juliana pleaded with them to be on the lookout for her daughter, Lizbeth. The younger Baynham scientist had been missing since the evacuation, but her last known whereabouts placed her in the ExoGeni building at the time of the initial attack.

"They shouldn't waste time poking around," Jeong cut her off. "We can do a proper accounting of our casualties after the geth are gone."

Juliana snapped at him, shutting him up long enough for her to give them directions that would get them the rest of the way to the headquarters building. Jeong opened his mouth with obvious intent to dissuade them from continuing forward, but he received another angry glare from Shepard and snapped his mouth closed again.

"I get the feeling Jeong doesn't want us poking around," Kaidan noted once the three of them were climbing the ramp that led them closer to headquarters building.

Ashley kicked a loose rock and sent it clattering across the path. "What kind of company secrets are worth letting people die for?"

"The kind that Saren might be interested in," Shepard said as they approached another hatch.

When the hatch door rolled up, a squad of geth waited for them on the other side. Machines armed with rocket launchers and a geth armature blocked the way forward. The three of them went diving to the sides of the open doorway as heavy artillery screamed towards them. Kaidan grit his teeth and released a torrent of energy into the formation of geth. The force of the lift field floated the armature up as if it was as weightless as a balloon. One of the rocket troopers that had been racing towards them was also caught in the field. Its velocity as it hit the field sent it sailing overhead where it slammed into the concrete wall behind them and shattered.

"Damn, Alenko," Shepard turned and gaped at him as the last geth collapsed into a heap of sparks. "You just lifted a geth armature." He should have been pleased by the compliment, but all he could focus on was that she'd reverted to his surname.

"Looks like the geth are settling in nicely," he commented dryly when they finally made it to the base of the ExoGeni headquarters building.

Ashley turned and grinned at him. "Doesn't matter. We're their eviction notice."

A blue forcefield blocked the direct entrance to the building, forcing them to drop down to a lower level through a blasted out section of floor. They would have to work their way back up. Kaidan kept an eye on his scanner as the trio climbed over piles of debris and found themselves in a waterlogged parking structure. A dead varren carcass lay at the outer rim of the room.

The loud crack of a pistol filled the air as the slug shot past them, missing all three of them by a wide margin. A woman dressed in an ExoGeni uniform lowered the front of her pistol and edged closer to them, stuttering out an apology. Her keycard, which she willingly offered up, identified her as Elizabeth Baynham. Relief flooded through Kaidan's chest. He'd been preparing himself to inform her mother that they'd only been able to locate her daughter's body. Now they wouldn't have to deliver such terrible news, assuming they could fight through the building and bring down the energy fields that the geth had erected, that is.

Lizbeth believed that the geth ship attached to the side of the building was what was powering the forcefield. When they'd overrun the building, she'd observed the geth laying power cables from her hiding place. "They don't want anyone else getting access to the…" Kaidan's eyes narrowed as she swallowed her words.

Shepard pressed the young scientist. They _needed_ any information that might help them locate whatever the geth were after. Lizbeth stuttered and stumbled over her words as she told them about the plant based life form that ExoGeni had discovered on the planet. They called it the Thorian. She assured them that there was nothing special about the indigenous species and then she refused to talk any further until they were clear of the field. With orders to Lizbeth to stay put in a secure location, the three of them finally entered ExoGeni's headquarters.

When they found a terminal that housed the company's VI, Shepard clenched her hands into armored fists as the hologram addressed her, fooled into thinking she was Lizbeth courtesy of the woman's access card. Even Kaidan's biotics flared slightly as the machine informed them of the horrific experiments ExoGeni had been conducting secretly on the people living at Zhu's Hope. Species 37—also known as the Thorian—was located within the substructure of the Zhu's Hope outpost and had the unique capability to control other organisms through inhalation of spores. The company had allowed the inhabitants of the outpost to be infected, in order to research the "true potential" of the life form. It took less than a month for eighty-five percent of the colony to become infected with the spores. As far as the VI was aware, the Thorian's form presented as a weave of tendrils that ran across much of the lower surface of Feros. ExoGeni hadn't yet discovered the central nerve cluster.

The horror Kaidan felt crept over his face. _How could they treat the infected if they couldn_ _'t find the thing that had infected them?_ "These people came here looking for a better life. And look what happened."

"It didn't just 'happen'," Shepard's eyes flashed with rage. "ExoGeni facilitated the infection in the name of science and then just stood by. Those bastards knew exactly what they were doing to those people."

"We should contact Joker," Kaidan offered. When they had departed from the outpost, they'd left others behind to help. They had no idea how the controlled colonists might be reacting in their absence.

Inwardly, he flinched though he tried to maintain an impassive face when Shepard glared over her shoulder at him. Still, she activated her comm link and tried to raise the Normandy. When she couldn't get through, Kaidan tried activated the link through his omni-tool. It failed as well. Whatever energy field the geth had put up was interfering with their transmission signals.

"We need to drop that field and get back to Zhu's Hope," Ashley said, determination lacing the steel in her voice.

Past the VI terminal, a claw from one of the ships had punched a hole through an exterior wall and latched on to the side of the building. As they searched for a way to dislodge the claw and possibly disrupt the power source of the fields, they found more geth swarming through the rooms. Many stood before terminals, some like nothing Kaidan had ever seen before. After all the hostiles had been eliminated, he and Shepard set themselves to the task of attempting to hack into the encrypted files.

"Shit!" Kaidan heard Shepard hiss from one of her terminals. When he looked up at her from his own terminal, she waved at him, indicating that they could discuss her findings later. Indeed, they would need to since his terminal contained data that seemed to indicate that the geth were preparing for a major offensive and were amassing troops in another system. Maybe the Council would actually step in and do something this time.

With the help of a faulty shuttle bay door, they managed to shear through one of the claws. The room rocked and shuddered as the weight of the ship dragged down the side of the building and the geth ship plummeted to the ground below. Hopefully, dislodging the ship had been enough to deactivate the force field so they could get back to the colony and deal with this Thorian thing.

"I repeat, Normandy to shore party. Are you reading? Anyone there? Normandy to shore party. Come on, Commander, talk to me!" Joker's panicked voice rose in their synced comms, a good indication that the energy field was indeed down.

"This is shore party," Shepard answered. "What's going on?"

"We're in lockdown here, Commander. Something happened to the colonists. They're banging on the hull, trying to claw their way inside the ship. They're freaking out!"

Ashley and Kaidan exchanged worried glances and Shepard's body tensed with the news. "And the rest of the crew?"

"Safe inside. Wrex almost shot the colonists when they started going nuts. You should've seen Liara. She wrapped him in one of those bubbles and practically threw him in the decon chamber."

Ashley's face split into a huge grin as Shepard ordered Joker to keep the Normandy locked up tight. Kaidan doubted she'd let the huge krogan live down getting tossed around by the dainty asari "nerd".

"We're leaving," Shepard said as one corner of her mouth curled into cocky smirk when she severed the link. "Let's rid this place of those damn synthetics before we go."

* * *

The entrance of the building—no longer barricaded by the energy field—was where they found Lizbeth was waiting for them. Kaidan knew Shepard had spotted her too when the commander stiffened into a ramrod like posture and stormed towards the scientist. He hurried after her. Despite being almost half a foot shorter than he was, when she moved with purpose, she moved quickly.

"You lied to me," Shepard hissed through her teeth as she jerked to a stop in front of Lizbeth.

The young woman's eyes went wide. "W-what?"

"You said you didn't know about the Thorian. I don't _like_ being lied to."

Confronted with their knowledge, Lizbeth explained how ExoGeni had forced her to comply and threatened that if she didn't, she'd be next to be infected. The reason she'd gotten stuck in the building when the geth attack was because she'd stayed behind to send a message to Colonial Affairs in the hopes that they would send someone to take control of the situation. By the tic in her jaw, Kaidan could tell that Shepard was quickly losing patience.

"Can you tell us where to find the Thorian?" Kaidan asked. "We can help them if you tell us."

Lizbeth sucked in a breath and then nodded. She explained that the central node of the Thorian could be located underneath Zhu's Hope. When the geth had attacked, the colonists covered the entrance down to its location with the freighter. Kaidan shuddered. Whatever this plant was, it was intelligent enough to understand the risk the geth had posed and used its thralls as a means of protection. They _needed_ to get back to that outpost and fast.

When they reached the ramp that would lead them to the lower skyway, radio chatter broke through the static on Kaidan's omni-tool. He'd left the link open, wanting to monitor communications any case there was any more news from the outpost. Juliana's voice pleaded with someone for help. Lizbeth's eyes went wide and she darted forward, the soles of her shoes pounding against the concrete ramp as she raced towards the room where the ExoGeni employees had taken cover. Shepard cursed and charged after her. The scientist was no match for the N7 spec ops soldier. Shepard's arms circled around the woman's waist and pulled her down behind cover of a large crate.

The mercs who'd been guarding the entrance had their backs turned to the ramp. Jeong waved his pistol erratically, argued with the elder Baynham scientist. Kaidan's fingers twitched as he debated the wisdom of trapping Jeong in a stasis bubble. Before he made his choice, Lizbeth wrenched out of Shepard's grasp and rushed to her mother's side. With the element of surprise gone, Shepard strode forward. Kaidan and Ash fell into place behind her.

"Shepard, damn it!" Jeong glared at her. "I knew it was too much to hope the geth would kill you."

"What did I tell you about waving guns around, Jeong? You're either going to let them go, or you're going to have to shoot me. And my team."

"Communications are back up. ExoGeni wants this place purged." He stuttered and bickered as Lizbeth ratted out the company's secrets to the whole room. "Nobody's going to miss a few colonists."

Kaidan glared at the man who had orchestrated this entire thing; the infected colonists who were then stranded and left for the geth to kill were on this man's hands. Even now, Jeong was a company man who cared more about the business than the lives of the people still left. The blue shimmer of Kaidan's biotics flared around him. No way this man was going to sacrifice the rest of these people. No way Shepard would let him.

Sure enough, Shepard pulled her pistol from her holster and pressed it forcefully into the man's forehead. "You're a bean-counter Jeong. I'm a Spectre. Tell me, how good are those odds?"

Jeong's dark eyes crossed as he looked at the muzzle pressed between his eyes. A nervous laugh rocked his shoulders as he tried to call her bluff. "A Spectre? That's a load of crap. There aren't any human Spectres…right?" Shepard cocked her head with one arched brow and a sly smile as she dug the muzzle of her pistol a little harder into his skin. Jeong's hand shook and the gun he'd been holding clattered to the concrete. With a swift kick, Kaidan sent it skidding to the other side of the room.

"What am I supposed to do now? ExoGeni will know what happened!" He huddled over and buried his face in his hands.

"Tell them that the geth destroyed the Thorian," Shepard offered simply as she turned back to the skyway.

"Wait, Commander!" Juliana called after her. "You can't just kill the colonists! It's not their fault."

Shepard turned to the woman. "I need to get to the Thorian. Anything hostile that gets between me and my goal is fair game."

Lizbeth offered another solution though the hesitation in her words indicated it was only a hypothesis. If they could kill the Thorian, the hold it had over its thralls might loosen. A nerve agent—specifically found in an insecticide they used in the labs—could be used to lace the grenades Shepard carried. Since they already had weakened nervous systems, the gas would act as a paralyzing agent for the colonists without affecting the three of them. It might not work at all, but it was still better than just shooting the colonists on sight. Kaidan accepted the vials of insecticide from Juliana when she offered them and got to work making the necessary modifications.

When he finished, the three of them continued along the skyway, taking out any geth reinforcements that had arrived in their absence. When they arrived back at the hatch door to the outpost's garage, a hunched over creature rose and began to charge at them. Recognizing the corpse-like being from one of the Cerberus research labs, Kaidan threw it into the concrete wall where it exploded into green acid on impact.

"Is that what the colonists become?" Ashley stared down at the slimy puddle in horror.

Kaidan shook his head. "There's no way that's human, infection or not."

"Fuck," Shepard groaned as the garage hatch opened and revealed a dozen more of the hunched over creatures. The three of them dove to the side of the opening and pressed themselves against the wall as the colonist guards opened fire on them. "I want a clean sweep. Nothing hostile lives to take a second shot."

"I hear that, but what about those nerve grenades the LT jury-rigged with Baynham?" Ashley asked. The groans of the inhuman creatures came closer.

"Alright," Shepard said. "Try not to tag the colonists but don't take any unnecessary risks, you hear me?"

Kaidan nodded. "You got it, Commander. Let's do this."

The creatures were, by far, easier to deal with than the colonists that were firing on them. Shepard held back on throwing a grenade since she didn't have a clean shot and, instead, focused all of her fire on the creepy thorian creatures instead. They had a limited number of the gas grenades and there was still likely to be plenty of colonists between them and the freighter covered entrance. When a path was finally cleared, Shepard hurtled through the opening and launched a grenade at the feet of the enthralled colonists. With a puff of noxious fumes, the human shooters collapsed to the floor. As Juliana had theorized, the gas grenade had no effects on the Alliance marines.

At the bottom of the elevator more creepers rushed towards them. A couple of colonists had barricaded themselves behind a large slab of rock and fired upon the marines. Meter by meter, the marines fought their way forward. Shepard limited the use of the grenades to large clusters of colonists and resorted to knocking out some of them with the butt of her pistol. Larger numbers of the colonists, ringed by another dozen creepers, surrounded a terminal on one side of the freighter.

They ducked behind cover to assess the situation. "Those must be the controls to the cargo blocks," Kaidan said.

"You think?" Sarcasm dripped like acid from Shepard's voice as she popped around the corner of the barricade to shoot one of the approaching creepers in the head.

Once no more creepers came at them and the colonists had been knocked out, Kaidan and Ash pulled the knocked out colonists out of the way. Kaidan checked their vitals as they went, ensuring that the gas had done no more than put them to sleep. A whirring sound filled the air as one of the cargo blocks lifted up, revealing the sub-level Lizbeth had mentioned. A dank, rotten smell wafted up the dark stairwell.

Scraping noises grated on the concrete. Shepard spun, her pistol arcing smoothly up with the motion. Fai Dan's eyes were screwed tightly shut as he lumbered towards them with jerky, erratic movements. "I…tried to fight it, but it gets in your head. You can't imagine the pain." Kaidan followed Shepard's lead and only watched as the man approached. Each word Fai Dan spoke was forced out between clenched teeth. "I was supposed to be their leader. These people trusted me." His right arm trembled, fighting against invisible pressure as it pulled his gun from the holster on his belt. Shepard sidestepped, placing herself in the direct line of fire to shield Kaidan and Ash. "It wants me to stop you…but I…I won't. I won't!"

With his hand mid-lift in execution of a stasis field, Kaidan could only watch as the man raised the pistol to his temple and squeezed the trigger.

Nothing could be done for Fai Dan now, but they could still save the rest of the colonists. In silence, they descended the stairwell. Darkened subterranean halls twisted around to more stairwells and the farther down they went, the worse the smell became. Kaidan saw no traces of tendrils even though Lizbeth had told them the creature resided here. Finally, a hallway spilled them out into a large, circular chamber.

"We just need to find…to find…" Kaidan stumbled over his words as he spotted a huge, throbbing mass suspended in the center of the rotunda. "What _is_ that?"

"We are gonna need bigger guns," Shepard said as she craned her neck up to take in the sheer size of the thing.

Ashley whistled. "Doesn't look like any plant _I_ _'ve_ ever seen."

She was right. The large growth branched out into thick tendrils that snaked around the room. Those tendrils were what actually appeared to be suspending the plant in the air. The building had massive structural damage with more walls crumbling and in ruins than walls that were left standing. The level they'd exited on was actually just a small portion of concrete that jutted out over the open space. Ashley tossed a small rock over the side but Kaidan never heard it hit the ground.

As they cautiously approached what could only be the Thorian, the pulsing of its main body sped up and slime oozed from between a clump of smaller tendrils. With a wet plop, something dropped out of an opening on to the edge of the floor. When it stood, Kaidan recognized it as an asari; a green asari which was a color he'd never before seen among their people. When she spoke, Kaidan felt the same odd shiver that he had when the rachni had spoken through the commando on Noveria. Though not quite the same since, when this one finished speaking, she flared blue with a snarl on her face. A flick of Kaidan's wrist sent her tumbling over the precipice, but the raspy cries of dozens of creepers echoing in the large chamber told him that this wouldn't be an easy fight.

They battled through the hallways, using their weapons to dislodge any point they found that attached a tendril to the foundering walls. As each tendril fell away, the center mass bounced and wobbled with its increased weight. Every destroyed holdfast also wrought another green asari, each a clone of the first. Between them and the endless number of creepers, the battle was exhausting. Kaidan's head pounded with every lift and throw, but he couldn't hold back now.

"Smells like compost. Rotten compost," Ashley said with a nauseous quaver in her voice. Kaidan tried to focus on anything other than the smell, but each creeper that exploded added to the horrible stink.

At the highest point of the chamber, they could see another tendril attached on the far wall. Kaidan and Ash took up defensive positions at one of the open arches while Shepard swapped her pistol for the sniper rifle. Even as the creepers rushed towards them, Shepard took her time lining up a shot and breathed steadily before squeezing the trigger. When the tendril snapped, the weight of the Thorian must have been too much to bear for any remaining holds and, with a creaky groan, the Thorian plummeted towards the lowest depths of the building. As it disappeared into the dark chasm, a pod on the wall next to the last node ruptured and an asari—a normal colored one—slid to the ground in a sickening heap.

The asari wobbled to her feet and looked around in wide eyed wonder. "I'm free! I suppose I should thank you for releasing me." Kaidan bit back the pain of his oncoming migraine and let his biotics ripple over his armor as Shepard aimed her gun at the purple asari. "My name is Shiala. I serve—I served Matriarch Benezia." Shiala went on to describe how the matriarch's disciples had allied themselves with Saren when their mentor had. Her story of how Benezia had lost her way under Saren's influence matched with what the matriarch had told them on Noveria. With her words ringing true, Shepard lowered the muzzle of her pistol.

"Once Saren had what he needed from the Thorian, he ordered his geth to destroy it," Shiala explained. She also confirmed what they'd already suspected; Saren knew that they were following his steps. The attack on the Thorian was meant to keep Shepard from gaining the Cipher, a way to understand the visions bestowed upon her by the beacon on Eden Prime. The Thorian was the key. It had lived on Feros long before the Protheans had built the city and they had become part of it. The Cipher was, essentially, the essence of the Prothean people, their memories now one with the Thorian. "I sensed this ancestral memory—the Cipher—when I melded with the Thorian. Our identities merged, our minds intertwined. Such knowledge cannot be taught; it simply exists."

"You taught Saren. You can teach me," Shepard demanded.

Shiala nodded. "There is a way. I can transfer the knowledge from my mind to yours, as I did with Saren." She kept speaking about how every mind was intertwined and actions having a ripple effect, but Kaidan was more focused on Shepard. She stood with her back straight and her teeth clenched tightly together as the asari approached her. He fought the urge to hurry to her side and toss the asari over the edge as he had the first. Ashley shifted uncomfortably alongside him as Shiala dropped her head back, as though in rapture. "Embrace eternity," she shouted and, when her eyes opened, they were as black as the darkest night.

Shepard tensed and her face drained of all its color, making her freckles stand out starkly against her chalky skin. Kaidan clenched his hands tightly at his side. If it weren't for his gloves, he was sure his nails would have drawn blood along his palms. The black blinked out of Shiala's eyes and the asari stepped back. Shepard swayed on her feet. Without thinking, Kaidan reached out and steadied her with a gentle hand to the middle of her back.

"Are you okay?" he asked in a hushed tone.

"I'm okay." Shepard looked over her shoulder and gave him the tiniest of smiles, the most she'd smiled at him since they'd arrived at the colony. Shepard's smile disappeared as she jerked back around to Shiala. "It still didn't make any sense."

"You have been given a great gift: the experience of an entire people. It will take time for your mind to process this information," Shiala said.

"You were allied with Saren. For all I know, you still are. I can't just let you walk away."

"If that is the fate you feel I deserve, then I will not resist." Shiala turned and dropped to her knees on the rough stone floor. Her hands locked under the crest of her tentacles and she waited in silence.

The gun in Shepard's hand trembled before she finally shoved it back in its holster, unfired. "There's been enough dying here today." She turned back towards him and Ash. "We can't spend any more time here. Not while Saren's still out looking for the Conduit. We should go."


	20. Chapter 20

**Author's Note:** My lovely beta reader was on vacation this week so mssticha kindly offered to step in and review this chapter. Thank you! Also, thank you to the new followers. I hope you're enjoying the story so far. :)

* * *

When they returned to the ship, Shepard ordered Joker to immediately depart from the colony. She wanted to put light years between herself and Zhu's Hope. After the shore party had each taken a shower—one that was by no means long enough to make Shepard feel clean again—she gathered the crew for their customary debrief.

"Commander? You look…pale." Liara fixed her big, blue eyes on Shepard from across the room. It was all she could do not to shudder under the gaze of another asari. "Are you suffering any ill effects from the Cipher?"

Shepard rubbed at her temples. "I just need some time to let this Cipher do its thing."

"I might be able to help you. After all, I am an expert on the Protheans. If I join my consciousness to yours, maybe we can make some sense of it."

"No! No!" Shepard said with a vigorous shake of her head. "Absolutely not!"

"But, Commander—"

"I'd rather face down an army of geth than go through the melding experience again." Shepard sucked in a sudden breath and her eyes went wide. "Fuck! She's not…she's not going to have a little asari baby now, right?"

Liara flushed a deep shade of violet. "N-n-no! That's not something any asari would ever do without consent from their partner!"

"Yeah, well. Everyone said Reapers didn't exist either, but the evidence all points to the contrary. I should've just shot her," Shepard muttered under her breath.

"I understand your reluctance, Commander." Liara had the good grace to ignore Shepard's 'doubtful' comment and continued. "I only want to help you make sense of the visions you already have. It may be the only way to stop Saren."

The room went quiet as everyone waited for Shepard to make a decision. It's not like they could _force_ her to meld with Liara. Unfortunately, they had no other leads and Saren had managed to stay two steps ahead of them. Melding with Liara might be the only way to get any information that might give them an advantage, or at the very least put them on equal footing with the rogue Spectre.

"Fine." Shepard pushed herself from her seat and crossed to the center of the room.

Liara, for all her shy mannerisms, seemed perfectly confident as she uttered the two words that made Shepard's skin crawl. "Embrace eternity!"

The vision danced in her mind, the same as when Shiala had melded with her, the same as she'd seen on Eden Prime. Nothing was any clearer. Just flashes in crimson of death and destruction and a squid-like machine silhouetted in the dying light of a planet. Liara, however, looked absolutely entranced as she took a step back from Shepard.

"That was incredible! All this time! All my research! Yet I…I never dreamed…" She faltered as she finally noticed Shepard's glare. "I am sorry. The images were so vivid. I never imagined the experience would be so…intense. You are remarkably strong-willed, Commander. What you have been through—what you have seen—would have destroyed a lesser mind."

Shepard fidgeted where she stood and tried not to focus on what Liara might have seen while rooting around in her head; her past with the Reds, the truth about Akuze, her attraction to Alenko? All of those things were personal and _none_ of them were things she wanted to share, not with anyone and especially not with someone who could read her fucking mind. Some things were meant to stay private.

"Did you see anything?" Kaidan made an attempt to get the excitable asari back on track. For that, Shepard was grateful.

Liara shook her head. "The beacon on Eden Prime must have been badly damaged. Large parts of the vision are…are missing. The data transferred into the commander's mind is incomplete."

"Well, fuck me sideways." Shepard dropped back into her seat with a groan. "That was pointless."

Liara took a timid step forward and wrung her hands in front of her. "I think my knowledge of the Protheans will prove useful before this is over."

Shepard tuned Liara out as she continued to prattle on about how "useful" she could be. So far, her Prothean expertise had been useless every time they'd needed it. It was only as Liara swayed on her feet and stumbled forward a step that Shepard turned her attention back to the asari.

"I'm sorry. The joining is…exhausting. I should go to the medical bay and lie down for a moment."

"I feel fine," Shepard narrowed her eyes at the asari. Technically, that was a lie. After having her brain probed twice over the span of a few hours following a battle through geth, asari clones, and those thorian corpse-things, it was a miracle she was still on her feet. Still, Liara had done very little fighting and a single meld. What had she been doing in Shepard's brain that would have exhausted her so much?

"Your role in our communion is passive," Liara explained with barely restrained patience. " _I_ am the one who must submerge myself in your mind. Drown myself in _your_ thoughts. It is more difficult than it looks. The human subconscious instinctively resists the joining, Commander. A strong personality such as yours makes it even harder." _Damn straight I resisted that shit._

"Head down to the medbay," Shepard said. "Our shore party found some things in ExoGeni headquarters that we still need to discuss. You can be briefed later."

Liara's usually wide eyes narrowed with the dismissal and her mouth opened, but she swayed on her feet again before she could voice her protest. She turned and walked with slow, deliberate steps towards the door, pausing to glance over her shoulder at the meeting still in progress before she slipped through the opening.

Shepard pushed the disturbing vision and the creepy feeling of having her mind violated to the side and focused on the debrief session. She sat back in her chair and went over the reports that were found on the terminals. ExoGeni had shipped some of their 'test samples' to another colony, but the company cut ties when contact was lost with both the colony and the cargo vessel that had transported them, confident that no one would be able to trace the events back to them. Additionally, one of their scientists cut a deal with Cerberus which explained how those creeper things had ended up on Binthu. Samples of the thorian creepers had also been delivered to an additional system at Cerberus' behest.

Kaidan took up where she left off. "I was able to hack into one of the geth terminals that they'd set up. It appears that the geth are amassing a large amount of forces in the Armstrong Nebula in preparation for an offensive into Citadel space."

Tali gasped and sat up straighter in her seat and the room broke into a jumbled dissonance of six voices speaking over one another. Shepard wasn't surprised that they all had different suggestions, but she didn't remember asking any of the others for their opinions either. Just as she was about to shout over them to order silence, Garrus' voice rose above the rest.

"Saren needs to be our top priority. Though I'm starting to wonder whether we'll ever find him."

"We'll find him, Garrus," Shepard said with a conviction she didn't really believe. She needed _them_ to believe it though. Garrus flapped his mandibles, but otherwise remained silent. "But until we have a new lead, there are other things we can be doing instead of just sitting around, twiddling our thumbs. I'll warn the Council about the geth attack when I file my report. We're done here. Dismissed."

* * *

When he'd exited the comm room, Kaidan had made his way to one of the terminals on the CIC. He had no reason to be up here, other than waiting for Shepard to finish her report with the Council. When she'd dismissed the group, she'd still been pale and her temper right at its boiling point. _I just want to make sure she_ _'s okay_ , he told himself as he absently stared down at the screen of the console he'd commandeered. Kaidan's eyes kept drifting to the door as the minutes sped by, but Shepard still had not emerged.

A throat cleared from across the room. Kaidan looked up to see Pressly watching him out of the corner of his eye with tight lips. Kaidan gave the older man a smile before turning back to the screen. He randomly entered a few keystrokes and nodded to himself, as though the task he'd been intent on completing was now done. Not wanting to arouse any further suspicion, he made his way back down below deck.

The elevator door slid open just as he reached the bottom of the stairs. Ashley grinned at him. "Hey, LT."

"Hey Ash. Where are you headed?"

"I was actually coming to find you. And Shepard, if she's done with the Council."

Kaidan shook his head. "I just came from the CIC. She's still in there."

"Guess it's just you and me then," Ashley said with a shrug.

The two of them made their way to the table by the lockers. Taking a seat where he could see the stairs out of the corner of his eye, Kaidan leaned onto the smooth surface, resting his upper body weight on his forearms. Ash drew a set of cards out of one of her cargo pockets and began shuffling the deck absently.

"Hearing about the Protheans makes me wonder if some distant civilization is going to find our artifacts someday and study us," Kaidan said. Liara had taken to sharing her research on the Protheans with anyone who would listen. It was one of the times she was most animated and confident in conversation with the alien (to her) crew.

"Nah," Ashley said with a shake of her head. "When some distant civilization finds our artifacts, we'll be right there to explain what they are.

"I hope so, but I'll bet the Protheans thought the same thing."

She looked up from her cards and smirked at him. "Now who's being a pessimist?" The cards arched smoothly from one hand to the other while she spoke. "You know, if _anyone_ was ever an optimist, it had to be those colonists. I can't believe they stayed there. I'd have gotten the hell out of Dodge the minute I saw the place."

"It's not like they could leave. The Thorian was controlling them."

"Not at first." Ashley's mouth to screwed into a grimace when Kaidan frowned at her. "It's not like I'm saying they _deserved_ what happened to them or anything. It's just…that's about the worst place for a colony I've ever seen. And I've seen my share of colonies. That place was so damn dismal I can't imagine staying long enough to _get_ infected."

"You two playing cards alone?" Kaidan looked up to see Shepard standing at the foot of the table. Somehow, despite his carefully picked vantage point, she'd managed to sneak up on the two of them. "Well, c'mon. Deal me in."

Ashley tucked her cards back into her cargo pocket. "Actually, Skipper, I was hoping the three of us could have a small drink. Bit of a celebration, if you're interested."

"I think we're technically still on duty, Chief," Kaidan pointed out with a shrug.

Ashley rolled her eyes with a fond smile. "You two are always on duty."

"With all we've been through lately?" Shepard's hand clapped on his shoulder for a second and Kaidan turned his gaze up to her. Despite the dark circles that seemed to plague her every day, a small twinkle of cheer sparkled in the depths of her eyes. "Hell yes we'll have a drink."

"Well, if the Commander says we're drinking, I guess we're drinking." Kaidan grinned back at her.

Shepard dropped into the seat next to him and fixed her attention on Ashley. "What exactly are we celebrating?"

"It's Armistice Day, when the First Contact War ended," Ashley said as she made her way over to the lockers and pulled out a bottle of amber liquid. "My family always marks it."

"You have family that fought in the war?" Shepard asked as Ashley rejoined them and poured a finger of the liquor into three cups.

Ashley wrapped both hands around her glass and slumped into the back of the seat. Her eyes focused on the table in front of her, not turning up to meet either of her companions' curious stares. It was so unlike the normally outspoken chief that Kaidan stretched his leg under the table and knocked his boot into hers, sharing a smile with her when she snapped her gaze up to his.

She crossed her arms over her chest and narrowed her eyes at them. "Oh, c'mon. Don't tell me neither one of you know about my family. My commanders always find out." Kaidan and Shepard glanced at each other, Shepard's expression just as full of confusion as he imagined his to be. They both shrugged, then turned back to Ashley. With a sigh, she continued. "I'm General Williams' granddaughter; the commander of the Shanxi garrison in the War and the only human ever to surrender to an alien race."

"Well, that explains why your file is filled with high scores, but crap assignments," Shepard scoffed.

"Yeah. Comes with the territory," Ash said with a roll of her eyes. "Granddad got relieved from command as soon as Shanxi was liberated and threatened with a trial before he was finally demoted and tucked away behind a desk until he retired. Dad got passed over for promotion after promotion. It takes a special kind of thick headed to march into a job where your family's blacklisted. I did it anyway."

"That's bullshit."

"But the truth. I'll never be good enough for the Alliance, not with _my_ name."

"Fuck that." Shepard slammed her drink to the table, some of the golden liquid sloshing over the side and pooling around the base of the glass. "You're a valuable part of this crew, Williams. You're tough and decisive and that's damn well good enough for me."

"I'll drink to that." Kaidan raised his glass and clinked it against Shepard's when she followed suit. Ashley's mouth hung slightly open, her eyes shining with a glimmer of wetness. Kaidan didn't have to imagine the impact that Shepard's words would have had on the younger marine. He had been on the receiving end of her praise before. Shepard didn't mince words and she never wasted her breath on empty platitudes, making any such praise mean all the more because it was certain to be genuine.

Ashley cleared her throat and added, "And I play a pretty mean game of pool."

"Maybe—" Kaidan's challenge dropped away as the sound of steady footsteps approached them.

"What's the occasion?" Garrus asked as he took a seat next to Ashley. Kaidan watched her face turn pink while she looked between both himself and Shepard for an assist. Shepard's lips were pressed together with amusement, obviously trying not to smile as Ashley squirmed in her seat. "Armistice Day," Ashley finally mumbled.

The mandibles on Garrus's jaw flapped back and forth. "That's what you humans refer to as the end of the Relay 314 Incident, correct?"

"It was more than just an "incident"!" Ashley's shoulders squared as she spat the words at him.

"Indeed," Garrus said, his dual-flanged voice unperturbed by her ire. "It certainly could have been handled better." Kaidan watched as all the anger seemed to dissipate from Ashley in a single second. It was probably the first—and only—time a turian might ever admit to their species being anything other than infallible. If Vyrnnus had been one of the worst the turians had to offer, this was further evidence that Garrus was one of the best. "Since I don't suppose you have any dextro-liquor handy, I'll just have to celebrate in spirit and sobriety," Garrus added as he took the seat beside Ashley.

The conversation shifted to less controversial topics that were more comfortable to discuss between their species. Ashley talked about some of the different colonies she'd lived in growing up and what it was like to move around all the time. His own father retired while Kaidan was still young, so he spoke instead about their home in Vancouver and the many summers he'd spent playing in the orchard his family owned further inland. Shepard eventually convinced Garrus to regale them with tales of being a C-Sec investigator on the Citadel. Just as he got to the part about krogan testicles going for ten thousand credits each—forty thousand credits a set—in his story about black markets on the Citadel, Shepard interrupted him with a squawk.

"Wait, four? They have _four?_ " Kaidan gaped as well, having done the same math himself.

Wrex's heavy footsteps punctuated his words as he joined them at the table. "I told you, Shepard. We have redundant systems. That includes everything, heh-heh. Now, let me tell you whelps about a real fight."

Indeed, Wrex's tale of hunting down an asari commando, one who also happened to be a friend, for a merc contract was an exhilarating story; it was one that could easily have been the plot of any number of action movies that were always popular. Twist it just enough that Wrex and Aleena fell in love at the end and it would likely become an instant success.

"Sounds like you like being a merc," Ashley said when he'd finished.

"Killing for credits simplifies things," Wrex nodded.

Garrus leaned back in his chair and narrowed his bright eyes at the merc. "Killing for justice… _that_ simplifies things."

"If it's easier to swallow that there's only savage and good and no in between, by all means, don't let _my_ opinion stop you," Wrex said with a shrug and turned back to the others. "Besides, I fight best on my own. Or in very small groups. I don't like people relying on me, and I bloody well don't like relying on them." Subtle movement out of the corner of his eye caught Kaidan's attention. A slight tilt of his head revealed the barely visible nod of agreement from Shepard.

"Speaking of not relying on people," Shepard said, effectively changing the subject. "It seems that the Council has elected to ignore my warning about a geth offensive strike. Guess it's up to us to stop them."


	21. Chapter 21

Once he'd stowed his gear in his locker, Kaidan joined Tali down in engineering at her customary location in front of the drive. Currently, she was trying to lock on to a message that was looping through geth signals in order to locate their main base of operations. It had been a long day for the two of them and Shepard as they'd tracked down and obliterated each of the geth outposts located in the Armstrong cluster. The four bases had all been heavily guarded and reinforcements had been just a dropship away. The only small reprieve they'd had gotten had been the travel time between planets.

After they'd cleared the fourth base, Shepard radioed for extraction and the three of them piled into the Mako to wait for the Normandy to arrive. Tali had already begun the tracking process and was lost in the work as she hunched over her omni-tool with extreme focus. With a groan, Shepard pulled her helmet off revealing the tangled, matted mess of her hair and dropped it to the floor at her feet. She'd sagged back in the seat, her armor plates thudding softly against his as she leaned ever so slightly against Kaidan. Long before the gentle purr of the Normandy's engines filled the air, Shepard had been asleep on his shoulder. Kaidan hadn't had the heart to wake her until the Mako had been secured back in the cargo bay. She'd rushed off quickly once he'd finally nudged her awake and he'd busied himself cleaning his gear. Now, with that out of the way, he had time to kill while they waited for the coordinates to their next location; hence the visit to Tali.

"Hey Tali."

"Kaidan," she greeted him without looking up from the console in front of her.

"I was wondering; how did you manage to launch so many tech attacks so quickly?"

At each of the bases, Tali had been a whirling spitfire of tech support; she'd launch a hacking program to temporarily override a geth's programming to force it to fight on their side, followed by a blast of her shotgun and another tech attack to overheat their weapons. Kaidan had never seen an omni-tool recharge so quickly.

She looked up then, her eyes glowing from behind the purple tint of her helmet. "You haven't overclocked your omni-tool's microframe?" Something in his face must have given Tali his answer. "Here, let me show you while we wait on that signal."

In truth, he hadn't even thought of that. Though the Logic Arrest didn't have the best tech cooldown rates out of available models, it had higher than average shield enhancements and was better equipped at handling medi-gel distribution than any other omni-tool on the market. Both were things he relied on extensively and didn't want to compromise for faster tech.

Before she'd dug too deep into the operating system, her own omni-tool beeped with results from the signal tracking. "We've got them! Let's go tell Shepard that we should set a course for Solcrum."

When they arrived at the facility located on Notanban's largest moon, more than one geth colossus sat in wait for them. The large machines kept flanking them, prolonging the battle. When the Mako began to smoke, Shepard parked it as close to the facility as she could and ordered the others to evacuate the smoking ruins of their vehicle. They used the dome shaped building as cover. Each colossus lumbered across the crusty surface, one on each side. Kaidan stretched around the dome, concentrating all of his energy into his biotics and lifted one of the machines with everything he had in him. He staggered with the sheer amount of power it took, but the geth floated a few meters in the air. The three of them took advantage of the slight reprieve and slid along the exterior wall to keep the bunker between themselves and the second colossus while opening firing on the lifted machine.

It went down in a heap of metal and they turned their attention to the last remaining machine. As they fought, Kaidan's monitoring system pinged to alert him that their suits were struggling against the radiation of the moon. They needed to finish this fight and get in the bunker quickly, before their suits failed completely. The Mako was their primary safehaven against environmental hazards but, in the state it was in, it would offer no protection until it had been repaired. Once the second colossus exploded in a shower of sparks, the three of them darted through the door of the bunker. Kaidan's heart froze as Shepard sank low against one wall in the entry.

"I'm okay," she said with a grim smile, pulling her helmet off as he hurried to her side. She'd taken the brunt of the attacks as she tried to be everywhere at once to keep him and Tali safe. "The medical interface I have installed in my armor will perk me up in no time." He narrowed his eyes at her but, upon finding no visible wounds, begrudgingly took a step back without administering any further doses of medi-gel.

As he waited for her to feel up to moving forward, Kaidan voiced one of the absent thoughts he'd been pondering over since they'd first encountered Tali. "If the geth revere the reapers as gods, what the hell were _they_ like?"

"Let's hope we never find out," Shepard said, reaching out her hand and letting him pull her to her feet.

Ready to throw herself back into the fray, Shepard led the charge into the depths of the bunker with a vigor that belied the fact that she'd been on her last reserves of strength just moments ago. With her renewed fury at the forefront of the assault, it didn't take long to clear the building of its unwelcome inhabitants. As the last geth finally went still, Shepard hurried across the room and shut down the transmitter. With a few swipes of her fingers, all of the encrypted files on the geth terminal were downloaded on to her omni-tool.

Tali stared out over the silent, sparking husks of the machines. "We did it," she said, her voice filled with incredulous glee over their victory.

"Damn right we did! Let's get back to the ship. I've got a present for Garrus," Shepard grinned.

* * *

Shepard winced as she peeled her undersuit off of her sweat slicked skin. She tossed it to the floor and contorted her body to look over her tender flesh. A dark bruise was already forming on her ribcage. With a sigh, she pulled open one of her drawers and began wrapping the bruised ribs to provide some support to the damaged muscles. She couldn't afford to be immobilized or put on bed rest so the tape would have to do. With some luck and infiltrator skills, perhaps she could also pilfer some ice from the chow hall without anyone being any the wiser.

Just as she was pulling her tank top on over the tape, her intercom buzzed. "Commander Shepard, I have Admiral Hackett on the line," Private Draven informed her. "Would you like me to patch him through to your private terminal or the comm room?"

"Here's fine, Private. Thank you." With motions as quick as she could muster, Shepard shrugged into her uniform blouse before answering the transfer. When she looked mildly presentable—the best it was going to get at this moment—she flicked the monitor on and Hackett's face popped into view.

"We just received your report. Looks like this geth incursion was bigger than we thought. They were probably preparing for a major offensive in the system. We're increasing patrols in the Armstrong cluster to make sure they can't establish another foothold in the region. Nice job, Shepard. You saved a lot of lives on this mission."

"Just doing my job, Admiral."

"Maybe," his deep voice acquiesced. "Still, it's good to know that you haven't forgotten your Alliance roots now that you're a Spectre." He paused, watching her carefully with bright blue eyes set in his deeply lined face. "Your report isn't the only reason I've contacted you. I've received some information I thought you'd want to see, Commander. Someone is killing former Alliance scientists. There have been four deaths in the past month."

Shepard's eyebrows raised in surprise. "Sounds like someone has a project they'd like to keep secret. Are they connected with each other?"

"With each other…and you. They all worked on a classified project several years ago. On Akuze."

"Akuze?" Shepard's forehead furrowed into deep lines as she considered the implication of this words. "Wait…you're telling me _our_ scientists were involved?"

"I can't get any information on what they were working on. The project records were sealed, but if it was more than just an accident, we need to know."

Shepard closed her eyes against the thought for a brief second and resisted the urge to suck her bottom lip between her teeth, a sure sign of weakness. "You want me to look into it." It was a statement, not a question.

"Commander…Shepard," Hackett said with a shake of his head. A hint of softness dulled his usual gruff, no nonsense voice. Her jaw clenched in response; she didn't need his pity. "What you do with this is up to you. I just thought you'd want to know. Should you decide to pursue this yourself there was one other scientist on the project that should still be alive: Dr. Wayne. I'm transmitting his last known coordinates to your terminal. Good luck, whatever you decide. Fifth Fleet out." He didn't wait for her response before terminating the connection.

Shepard's dim reflection stared back at her from the dark terminal after Hackett's picture blinked from the screen. The image swam before her eyes, morphing into a younger woman with light brown hair and blue eyes full of laughter before Shepard blinked and the ghost of the woman was gone again. Hackett was right. Shepard had been around too long, or maybe was just too cynical, to believe in coincidences. If there was someone out there responsible for the massacre six years ago, Shepard would find them and make sure they paid for their sins.

* * *

"I would advise against that, Shepard," Garrus's voice rose in the cargo bay.

Kaidan looked up from the weapons bench where he was helping Ash clean some of their firearms. Well, more like keeping her company. She was very particular about the weapons and tended to re-clean behind him so Kaidan had given up on assisting her and resigned himself to chatting instead. Shepard's arms were crossed tightly across her chest and she stared down at the crouched turian. He didn't hear what she said in return, but Garrus pulled himself up to his full height to argue back. Kaidan and Ash exchanged a look of concern and then both crossed over to the Mako.

"Is everything alright?" Kaidan asked.

"Shepard is insisting on taking the Mako planet-side. It's not ready yet," Garrus explained.

Shepard scoffed. "Oh, is that what it is?"

"Of course. What else would it be?"

She watched him silently for a moment. "Whatever. I drop in an hour. You have until then to get it as ready as you can."

"Wait," Kaidan said, planting himself in front of her as she turned to the elevators. "What do you mean _you_ drop?"

"Seems pretty self-explanatory, Alenko."

He pulled her a step to the side and his voice dropped with a reminder of her previous promise. "What happened to never leaving your medic behind?"

She paused, likely remembering the circumstances under which they'd had that conversation, but her face hardened. "I'm a fully trained N7 infiltrator. In and out, on my own. No need for a medic. Or anyone else. Now move." Her eyes were cold as steel as she surveyed him, daring him to challenge her orders.

"No." The firmness in Kaidan's voice surprised even himself. She frowned, her eyebrows forming straight lines while her jaw dropped, forming a tiny o between her plump lips. Garrus turned and stared at him as well, his mandibles twitching back and forth.

"I mean it, Kaidan. This is personal." He crossed his own arms and raised an eyebrow at her, holding his breath because she could lay him on his ass if she really wanted to. A pissed sigh forced its way from her lungs. "I don't have time for this. If you're ready when we reach the drop zone, you can go. Now, _excuse me_ , but I need to go put on my armor. Unless you want me going like this?" Her eyebrows lifted in frustrated annoyance as her hands made a loose sweep down her body, indicating her non-protective BDUs.

"If the LT is going, so am I," Ashley said decisively.

"Oh, for fuck's sake!" Shepard threw her hands in the air. "Fine. But you're coming as strictly backup. I don't wanna hear a word from either of you, got it?"

As the Mako dropped to the surface of Ontarom, the tension vibrated off Shepard in waves. The planet, despite being incredibly hot, had an atmosphere ideal for habitation so none of them had bothered with their helmets. The tight clench of Shepard's jaw and the iron grip of her hands on the wheel left an alarmed feeling in the pit of Kaidan's stomach. He hadn't seen her balled up with this much anxious energy and anger since…Edolus. _Could this be related to Cerberus? Why had she wanted to come alone?_

Keeping their promise, Kaidan and Ashley said nothing to her. They didn't say a word, only clutched at their harnesses, as she drove the Mako up a nearly vertical incline and then back down the other side. They kept quiet as bullets ricocheted off the hull from sniper fire across the valley. When she slammed the vehicle to a stop in front of a cylindrical bunker peeking out of the ground, the two of them scrambled silently behind her as she climbed out of the hatch, her pistol booming her reply to the angry shouts of the mercenaries that opened fire.

There were more hostiles than Shepard had apparently accounted for. Kaidan's omni-tool registered multiple hits to her suit and her shields stuttered and then disintegrated, leaving her wide open to their shots. He flung two closely grouped mercs over the side of the plateau while Ash's assault rifle blurted out a rat-a-tat response of its own. One mercenary charged out from behind the cover of some crates and managed to squeeze off a round from his shotgun before a flick of Kaidan's wrist sent the man soaring up through the air. The force of the shotgun blast dropped Shepard to one knee. Her pistol clattered out of her hand as she clutched her side with a muffled cry of anguish.

Leaving Ashley to finish the last merc—a task he knew she was more than capable of handling—Kaidan lowered himself next to Shepard and gently peeled her hand from her side. She'd been close to the merc, too close, and the scattered buckshot of the blast hadn't radiated far, wedging themselves in a small cluster along her ribs. Luckily, none had pierced through the dense fabric of the durable suit she wore…Kaidan frowned. She shouldn't be in this much pain.

"Damn it, Shepard! How bad is it?"

"It's nothing," she forced out from between clenched teeth. "Just took me by surprise, that's all."

"So help me God…tell me the truth or I will carry you back to the Mako and call for an extraction." She couldn't stop him, not in this state, and both of them knew it.

"You know, you promised not to say a word." An amused snort followed which morphed into a groan. "Okay, okay. Bruised my ribs on Solcrum." Though clouded with pain, her green eyes were intense and focused when she turned them to him. "I need to do this, Kaidan. It's…it might be related to Akuze."

Kaidan sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. "Okay. Against my better judgment, but okay. We'll get you inside and help you get answers." She pressed her lips together and nodded with a small smile before relenting to what little first aid he could provide for her ribs.

Shepard went along without complaint when Kaidan gestured for Ash to take point as the three of them entered the compound. The medi-gel he'd given her seemed to be easing the pain slightly, though they both knew it wasn't a cure. Only rest would do that and Kaidan doubted she would give herself the necessary time for a full recovery. His omni-tool vibrated with an alert as they approached one of the interior doors; a warning that hostiles waited on the other side. His fingers circled around Shepard's wrist to hold her back while he checked the enemy's positions.

Once through the door, Shepard pressed herself flat against a column opposite the door and, as Kaidan lifted and threw any mercenaries in his range, she ducked around the cover to take each of them down with a single headshot. Ash guarded the both of them, making sure no one could sneak up around them. Kaidan grinned at the two women once he'd confirmed that the room was clear. They worked well together, the three of them.

They reached the last room, having found nothing as of yet that Shepard was looking for. Muffled voices of arguing men could be heard beyond the door. Weapons at the ready, they approached the door cautiously. The hissing beep of the parting metal announced their arrival and a man in armor, his back to them, immediately raised his pistol and pointed it at the man in a scientist's jumpsuit.

"Stay back!" The man barely glanced over his shoulder at them. "I've got no grief with you! All I want is this bastard!"

Voice cracking with panic, the scientist pleaded with the gunman though his eyes locked onto his would-be rescuers in sheer desperation. Given the circumstances, 'madman' and 'insane' probably weren't the best choice of words. Shepard's pistol drooped, the muzzle pointing at the ground as her jaw went slack.

"What did you call him?" Her voice was barely a whisper.

The gunman turned his body so he was facing their group, but he kept his pistol pointed at the man he held hostage. "Shepard? My god, Shepard, is that you?"

Shepard took a step back, her face paling as though she had seen a ghost. "Toombs? But…you were on Akuze! I saw the thresher maw pull you under!"

His voice thick with anger, Toombs explained to her that Akuze had been a set-up by these scientists, the doctor before him one of them. They'd lured the threshers to the location and then watched so they could study the creatures. When some of the soldiers had been found alive, the scientists had studied them too, right down to the effect of maw acid on their internal organs when injected, among a slew of other inhumane experiments. As could only be expected, the scientist protested. Ice ran through his veins as Kaidan noted that the man never said it didn't happen, just said that Toombs had no proof.

"I…I didn't see anybody. I looked Toombs, I swear I looked. If I'd known you survived…" The repentance was thick in her voice as she trailed off. Kaidan ached to give her some comfort, but he wasn't what she needed right now. For her, Kaidan knew, only Toombs could grant her the forgiveness she wanted for surviving, even if what she really needed was to forgive herself.

Toombs' hand clenched the grip of the pistol, his finger tightening on the trigger. "This man deserves to die, Shepard. For you, for me, for everyone else in the unit. Are you with me?"

"I can arrest him. He'll answer for his crimes in court." The room froze. Though her eyes were wild with anger and grief, Shepard's words were firm, unwavering. Kaidan's eyes darted from Shepard to Toombs to the scientist and back again. She didn't let criminals walk, nor did she give them the easy way out by the barrel of a pistol. Kaidan steeled himself for the coming fight without flaring to avoid giving himself away to the unstable man, in case Shepard couldn't get Toombs to see her way. If he could spare her the pain of having to pull the trigger herself, Kaidan would do it.

"Weren't you listening?" Toombs shouted. "He was part of a secret organization! I don't know what Cerberus is, but they'll never let their operation become public." Shepard's head jerked to the scientist and the tension on her pistol increased as she tried to steady her shaking hand. Toombs continued, pressing the advantage when he sensed her wavering. "This is the only way! Are you helping me, or are you killing me?"

"What makes you better than him if you just kill him now?" she glared at him, her hand once again stabile.

"You can't judge me! You don't have the right! You got away with a few scratches and a scary reputation while the rest of our unit died. I was tortured for years!"

"You think I don't want revenge for Akuze?" she snapped. "Listen, Toombs! What we want isn't important. 3rd platoon _needs_ justice. Arresting him helps get that."

A harsh, sucking noise filled the room as Toombs swallowed the revenge he'd spent the last six years planning. "Hadn't thought of it like that. Just as long as he goes to trial." The muzzle of his pistol turned to the ground as the man's haunted eyes looked up to Shepard's. "The vids say that you were the sole survivor of what happened at Akuze. Who am I to argue?"

"No!" Lightning fast, Shepard launched herself at the man, mindless of her injury. The shot meant for himself went wild and the bullet buried itself in the ceiling as Shepard tackled Toombs to the ground. In the chaos, the scientist tried to make a break for it. Ashley's armored fist knocked the man to the floor and Kaidan grabbed him before he could scurry away.

Shepard sat on the floor with the man, her arm around his heaving shoulders as his sobs filled the room. "Toombs, I don't _want_ to be the sole survivor, I never did." Kaidan could just barely make out the sound of her voice. He tried not to listen, but her words filled his ears anyway. "You have to help them, Toombs. Only you can tell everyone what Cerberus did to you, to all of them. 3rd platoon still needs you, more than they've ever needed me. Please don't stop helping them now."

When he finally nodded, Shepard let go of him long enough to radio Joker. Hackett, aware of the situation, should have a ship nearby. She wanted it for pick-up. It only took a few hours for the small transport ship to arrive to collect the two men. The Cerberus scientist was placed in cuffs. Shepard shared one last hug with Toombs before he followed, finally on his way to the help he would need after everything he'd been through.

Shepard crossed wearily to Kaidan's side. Her green eyes danced with anger, reminding him of the old Greek myths he read about as a kid of liquid fire and its all-consuming nature, burning even on water when it should have been extinguished. "I'm going to hunt down every last Cerberus fuck I can find and I am going to make. Them. Suffer."

* * *

 **Author's Note:** I've been struggling for the past couple weeks to make my deadline to publish every Tuesday. Forcing myself to meet the schedule has sucked a lot of fun out of writing at the moment. I will continue the story, but I can't promise regular updates right now. I hope you will understand.


	22. Chapter 22

**Author's Note:** Thank you everyone for all the kind words of encouragement I've received in my absence. Though I don't plan on continuing my once-a-week update schedule, I do intend to have regular updates. Hopefully there won't be such a lull between chapters again!

* * *

A small cloud of dust erupted just above the alien's shoulder as the bullet from Shepard's pistol impacted into the concrete wall behind him.

"This is who they sent to stop me? A puny human who can't even hit a target at 3 meters?" The batarian laughed, his pointed teeth gleaming as his shiny lips pulled up in a sneer. His four eyes stared at Shepard in condescending fury. "You'll have to do better than that if you want to stop us."

Shepard's eyes narrowed as she stared at the terrorist. "If you think I missed, you'd better think again. I'm no doc, but my medic here could probably confirm that batarians still have use of their knees. Alenko?" Face solemn, Kaidan nodded when she spared a glance over her shoulder at him while lowering the muzzle of her gun to the bony protrusion of the batarian's kneecap. "Now answer the damn question."

The Normandy had been en route back to Arcturus to follow up regarding Dr. Wayne's arrest when the ship's scanners had intercepted an emergency transmission in the Exodus Cluster. The scan revealed that fusion torches were propelling an asteroid, X57, towards nearby planet, Terra Nova. Without interference, impact would occur in just under four hours causing catastrophic destruction to the human colony based there. With no time to spare or wait for backup, Shepard made the call to take a small team to the surface in an attempt to disable the torches.

Their arrival had been met with swift and brutal violence. Shepard, with Kaidan and Wrex in tow, had cut down dozens of batarian terrorists, yet there were always more. Armed with enough firepower for a small army and assisted by hacked missile turrets that guarded the fusion torches, the batarians put up a hell of a fight as they tried to slow their pursuers enough to run down the clock.

Kaidan watched now as Shepard kept a firm grip on her pistol, finger never leaving the trigger guard. The tight set of her jaw and cold gleam of her eyes radiated an anger that had only intensified since they'd discovered the truth about Akuze. Under her gloves, Kaidan knew her knuckles were bruised and bloody from the intensive workouts she'd engaged in during most of her free time. The alien before them now was the mastermind behind X57, a batarian by the name of Balak, and the perfect target for all of her pent up rage.

 _Crack!_ The muzzle of Shepard's pistol flared, preceding the bright red flow of blood that blossomed from Balak's knee mere nanoseconds later. "Don't make me ask you again, Balak."

Kaidan's gut clenched at the sound of her voice; no remorse, no empathy, no emotion at all. She was cold, dispassionate. Shepard wanted answers and if she had to torture Balak to get them, it certainly looked like she'd have no qualms in doing so.

"I'm through talking," Balak coughed. The squelching, wet sound that accompanied his cough was indicative of a punctured lung. "Just kill me and get it over with."

The dull orange glow of the emergency lights in the room glinted off the black matte of Shepard's pistol as it hung suspended in the air, muzzle aimed dead center of Balak's four eyes. Kaidan wrestled with his conscience, aware of the slow exertion of pressure she was putting on the trigger. Why should he even care? Balak was responsible for the deaths of nearly everyone on this asteroid, including the lives of the hostages he'd attempted to barter for his freedom. When Shepard hadn't agreed, he'd remotely detonated a bomb in the room he'd locked in with those hostages. Kaidan grit his teeth. _No._ Perhaps Balak _did_ deserve to die, but it wasn't their place to play executioner to someone disarmed and wounded. That distinction mattered. Her past actions had shown that that distinction had been important to Shepard too, but she didn't seem to be able to see past her rage enough to care about it, at least not right now.

Before Kaidan could move, or even summon a wisp of biotic energy to immobilize her (knowing he would damn his career in the process), her arm dropped to her side. "Better keep a tight hold on that, Balak. Wouldn't want you to bleed out before the Alliance arrives to pick your ugly ass up." She turned and strode away, leaving Wrex and Kaidan behind to secure their prisoner and arrange for Joker to pick them up.

* * *

Blood dripped from her armor and turned the water pink before spiraling down the drain. If only it was as easy to wash away the emotions of the day.

She'd been so close. She'd had Kate and the other survivors in range only to be forced to make a hard choice; the hostages or Balak. The lives of three people that she could save for sure, or the hypothetical lives of everyone in another colony if Balak continued his plans to incite rebellion once he'd escaped. It was an easy decision, logically, but it didn't make the actuality of it any less painful as she delivered the news to the asteroid's single survivor.

Balak's face swam in her dreams, mocking her mercy, as faceless corpses piled around him. His body shimmered and twisted before splitting in half. The features of Balak's clone melted and rearranged themselves until they resembled the Cerberus scientist that had been taken into custody. A second pile of bodies formed around this monster, towering higher than the first one; this pile was filled with her entire unit from Akuze, even Toombs. Pounding war drums echoed around her as the room fell away to barren, blood soaked fields lined with geth spikes that bore the bodies of the Normandy crew…her friends. Kaidan.

She jolted awake, her body slick with sweat from the nightmare. The pounding of the drums continued, a wave of nausea washing over her as the horrors of her subconscious slammed into her waking brain. It was only as she coughed on the bile that surged up her throat that she realized that the pounding was, in fact, knocking on her door.

"Commander? Commander Shepard, are you alright?" The voice of Private Draven accompanied the knocks now.

Shepard slipped out of her bed and tugged a pair of sweatpants up over her bare legs before answering the door. "What," she snapped as the door whooshed open to reveal the private's worried face.

"Joker has been trying to reach you over the comms. Admiral Hackett needs to speak with you. He says it's urgent, and has requested the connection on your private terminal specifically."

"Admiral Hackett can eat my ass," Shepard muttered.

Draven's face blanched. "You…want me to tell him, um—"

"Don't repeat that," Shepard snorted. "Just patch him through in five."

Exactly five minutes later, Admiral Hackett's age lined face appeared on her terminal, lending the disarray of her a room a soft, blue glow. Instead of an update on Dr. Wayne, or even Balak, Admiral Hackett was requesting that she go to yet another planet in another system to deal with something completely unrelated to apprehending Saren. A classified Alliance espionage probe, with a built in tactical fusion warhead, had resurfaced after twenty six years of being lost in space, and the admiral wanted Shepard and her team to play fetch.

Shepard crossed her arms over her chest and glared at the high ranking official. "Admiral, you were briefed on my _actual_ mission, right?"

"I'm well aware, Commander."

"Wouldn't you say that tracking down someone intent on reviving an ancient machine race bent on galactic genocide is a little more important than recovering a probe? Surely you can get someone—anyone—else for this."

Hackett stared out at her from under bushy eyebrows, grey with age. "When you stop Saren, we'll want our alliances still intact. I don't need to tell you what exposure of a fusion-bomb booby trap would mean for the Alliance, do I? You're a Spectre. You can go wherever you want, outside of the Alliance's jurisdiction. That means I don't have to fill out any forms that could be hacked and leaked to our allies."

Shepard sighed. "Understood, sir. I'll get right on it."

"Good. And Shepard? I want this kept strictly Alliance."

* * *

White knuckles and clenched teeth visible through the open visor of his helmet belied Kaidan's otherwise calm demeanor as the Mako bounced along dusty, red terrain in the direction of the signal they'd picked up from the probe. Ashley's buoyant laugh echoed in the small space around them when she caught the tight set of his jaw in her peripherals. A quick glance over her shoulder had Shepard joining in the merriment.

Kaidan took a calming breath, willing his voice to sound as composed as he wished he felt. He'd never expected that someone could be a _worse_ driver than Shepard. "You drove right past a perfectly wide route straight to the signal," he pointed out.

"Relax, LT!" Ashley laughed again. "It won't kill us to detour a little! Every girl loves a wild ride at least once in awhile. "

"You're damn straight," Shepard whooped with delight as Ashley hit the edge of an embankment and sent the Mako soaring into the air. A burst of the thrusters slowed their descent, but not enough to completely negate the jolt that clacked Kaidan's teeth together as the tires slammed back into the earth. She engaged the throttle and the Mako lurched forward again, churning up more dust and small rocks in their wake.

"Garrus is going to kill us for screwing up the suspension. Again," Kaidan muttered under his breath.

Not nearly soon enough, the Mako hummed to a stop as they reached the source of the signal. A small, abandoned mineshaft was the only thing in sight.

Ashley frowned before pulling her helmet over her dark hair. "Smells like an ambush."

"I agree," Kaidan nodded. "This thing didn't crash. Somebody moved it here."

"Your grasp of the obvious is inspiring," Shepard rolled her eyes at the both of them, though a small smile tugged at the corner of her lips. "There's still a nuke down there. Check your corners and watch your back."

Their descent into the shaft was unimpeded. The only sounds they heard were the echoing of their own boots as they sloshed through the ankle deep, stagnant water. Every corner they turned without running into a hostile heightened Kaidan's unease until the tingle of his biotics was crawling over his skin. Intermittent spotlights cast long, dark shadows on the craggy walls of the mine and, more than once, the three marines stiffened, prepared to engage the flickering shadows that turned out to only be their own.

In the deepest reaches of the hollowed out shaft, the signal strength from the probe blossomed on Kaidan's omnitool, indicating it was just beyond the hatch that sealed off the next passage. He signaled for the others to stop and did a quick reading of the room beyond. No heat signatures and no indications that geth were lying in wait either. Perhaps they'd been wrong about the ambush.

As soon as they stepped over the threshold, rocks rumbled loudly above them, showering them in dust and pelting them with small rocks as the mine shaft began to cave in around them. A flickering orange holo sprang up from the probe, displaying a man in body armor.

"Shepard. At last," The man sneered, eyes riveted on the commander.

"Do I know you?" Shepard snapped. The man droned on, boasting of his leadership of the pirate gangs in the Terminus Clans. As if the strength and prowess to lead slavers and terrorists should somehow impress. Shepard yawned with mocking indifference. "You assume I give a damn. That's cute."

"Three years ago, I used my influence to assemble a fleet. We would drive your kind out of the Verge. And when the attack on Elysium failed, I was the one who was blamed," he growled, punching his hand into his palm. "What better way to recover my reputation than by eliminating as many Alliance troops as I can? And then who should show up but the first human Spectre."

Shepard turned to Ashley and Kaidan. "Find us a way out of here. Now," she said before turning back to the self proclaimed leader of the Terminus Clans. "My crew will come for me," Kaidan heard her say as he and Ashley hurried back the way they had come.

The two of them didn't make it far. Whatever had triggered the cave in—and Kaidan was guessing it had been a calculated explosion—had triggered it just beyond the shaft they'd taken down to the dead end hole they were now trapped in. Rocks piled in the entrance, thick enough that he couldn't see through the cracks to the other side. Ashley grabbed one of the smaller rocks and yanked at it. The pile shifted and groaned with the displaced weight.

"Stop!" Kaidan grabbed at her arm before she pulled another free. "If we don't move them just right, they'll all come toppling down on us. Gravity is not on our side."

"Can you do one of your biotic things and push them away or hold them up or something?"

Kaidan frowned, thinking it over. Maybe a well controlled throw would exert enough pressure to force the rocks out? He shook his head. "No, we don't know how many are out there. If I throw them back, more could crash down in the void left behind. We have no idea how big that explosion was. We're going to have to radio for backup."

"Already tried that." Shepard appeared behind them. "Too much heavy metal in the ore. Our radios can't transmit through it."

Armored gloves clacked against ceramic plates as Ashley slapped her hands on her hips. "So what are we supposed to do, just wait around to die?"

"Hope that Joker will run out of extranet porn and notice we're missing?" Kaidan smirked.

Ashley groaned. "They better write something nice on my headstone."

* * *

Six hours in and everyone's patience was wearing thin. Shepard had worn a path in the dirt beneath her feet as she paced, not content to sit and do nothing. She almost hoped that the pirate leader would change his mind about leaving them to a slow death and come back to finish them off. Or try. However, other than the occasional chatter from her squad members and the creaking of rocks shifting, it had been silent.

She cast a glance over her shoulder at Kaidan. He was busy tweaking his omnitool, trying to garner enough of a signal that he could send even a short burst to the Normandy. His was brow furrowed with the effort, sweat beading in the creases on his forehead from the dank heat that permeated the hole that would be their grave. _Shut it. You can_ _'t think like that,_ she told herself. _Someone will come for you._

"Anything?" Ashley shouted down from her post at the site of the cave in. She too, had been discontent to sit idly by and had put herself on watch.

"For the last time, I'll tell you if I get something." His normally even tempered tone colored with irritation, Kaidan answered her without bothering to look up.

"Son of a bitch!" Shepard kicked at the wall of the cave, wincing when her boot connected with solid rock. "This is the last fucking thing we need."

"Shepard, hey." His omnitool winked out of existence as he crossed the room in three long strides to stand beside her. "We're gonna get out of here. We've got light and air. It's just a matter of time."

"And in that time? Then what?" She threw her arms in the air. "Saren gets even further ahead of us? Why is it that the bad guys always seem to come out ahead?"

His golden eyes surveyed her, too intensely for her liking, before he replied. "Are you talking about Saren? Or Dr. Wayne?"

"What does it matter?" Shepard shoved past him, not wanting to stand up to his scrutiny any longer. "Balak. Wayne. Saren. They keep winning and more people keep dying. I _should_ just kill Saren when we catch up to him, like Garrus suggested."

"Is that what you really think?" Kaidan asked her retreating back. Shepard tried, and failed, to ignore the hint of disapproval in his voice.

She lifted her shoulder in a half shrug. "Maybe. I don't know."

"If it is—if you really think it's the right choice—you know I'll stand by your side. But if it's about revenge…" His voice trailed off, the thought left unsaid.

She pivoted, glaring at the most composed man she'd probably ever met. "And what the hell do you know about revenge?"

To her surprise, Kaidan flinched. Then, with a sigh, he squared his shoulders and slid down the craggy surface of the wall until he was sitting in the dirt. A wave of his hand beckoned her to join him. The two of them engaged in a silent stand off. Shepard crossed her arms over her chest. Kaidan cocked his eyebrow in response, his tightly pressed lips staying silent. Curiosity won out in the end. With an annoyed sigh and a shake of her head, she lowered herself to the dirt beside him, tucking one leg under her body and wrapping her arms around the other so she could rest her chin on her knee.

"Remember when I told you about Vyrnnus?" he asked once she was seated.

"Your instructor at BaAT?" He nodded, but didn't speak so she filled the silence for him. "I don't see you snapping easily. But from what you told me, the bastard got what he deserved."

"He didn't deserv—. He hurt Rahna. Broke her arm. She reached for a glass of water instead of pulling it biotically. She just wanted a drink without getting a nosebleed, you know? Like an idiot, I stood up." A humorless chuckle accompanied the shake of Kaidan's head. "Didn't know what I was going to do, just…something. And Vyrnnus lost it. Beat the crap out of me. Kept shouting how they should have bombed us back into the stone age. That's when the knife came up. A military-issue talon. Right in my face. I cut loose. Full biotic kick, right in the teeth. Almost as strong as I can manage now. At seventeen, that's something."

Without thinking, Shepard leaned forward and traced the pale, silvery scar that cut through his lip with the tip of her thumb. She'd wondered about it, wanted to know if he'd gotten it as a kid, playing in a tree house or falling off of his bike. It seemed fitting, him receiving it for protecting someone special to him. A sharp intake of his breath reminded her of where she was and she jerked her hand away from his face, stammering out a reply to cover her embarrassment. "You wanted to help a girl you cared for. That's a noble thing."

He made no mention of the fact that she'd been stroking his face though he wouldn't meet her eyes. "Maybe my intentions were noble. But I lost control." A pause before he finally turned his gaze up to hers, his eyes intense as he stared at her from under the ridge of his brows. "I killed him, Shepard."

"And you're saying what? That he should have gotten away with it?"

He reached up and massaged the back of his neck before answering. "I'm not upset that he's dead. Just sorry that I killed him. I wasn't prepared for that. I dropped out of sight for a bit, but I eventually came back on my own terms, because I wanted to serve."

"And the girl? Rahna?" Shepard couldn't stop herself from asking.

"We never really, uh—We stopped talking after that."

"Wow," Shepard gave a mirthless laugh. "After you almost got killed for her. That's fucking shitty."

"Rahna had a gentle heart. She loved everyone. Vyrnnus terrified her. We all protected her from him. But after what I did to him, she was terrified of me, too."

"Well, _that_ explains why you're so self-controlled."

His head shook back and forth in denial. "I'm no more controlled than any other biotic."

Shepard snorted. "Kaidan, you are wound tighter than a clock. Not because of Vyrnnus, because of Rahna's rejection." She paused and tugged at a strand of her hair, suddenly keenly interested in a scratch in the red paint of her armor. "Is that your point here? That if I kill someone like Saren, or Balak, that people I…care about, that they might be terrified of me?"

"What? No, Shepard." He reached for her, his knuckle tilting her chin back so she was forced to look up at him. "I doubt I could ever be scared of you." His voice dropped to a low, husky tone that made Shepard's stomach clench. "Even if I should be."

Before she could respond, Kaidan's hand fell to his lap, but the heat it left on her face was an intense reminder of their proximity. His adam's apple bobbed in the curve of his throat as he slumped against the wall and gazed up at the rock ceiling with a sigh. "Look, Shepard. You're in command and I'll follow your lead if you decide killing Saren is our best option. But, if it's about revenge, it's not all it's cracked up to be."

"I…thank you, Kaidan. For everything. You've been invaluable."

A corner of his lip pulled up in a half smile as he crooked his head slightly to look at her. "I'm here, Shepard. I'm not going anywhere."

She swallowed past the odd lump in her throat, trying to find the words to reply. Instead, a rhythmic pounding echoed down the corridor as Ashley ran towards them. "The cavalry has arrived! Let's get our asses out of here."


	23. Chapter 23

The ground below them grew distant, detail falling away the higher the Normandy went. When they broke through the atmosphere, the curve of the planet beckoned to them with the blues and greens of her tropical climate. Shepard couldn't look away from the lush beauty even knowing what was coming; she wouldn't. A brilliant flash filled the window just as Joker hit FTL, leaving the devastating wake of the mushroom cloud, and one of their own, behind in haste.

Shepard sagged against the wall, resting her forehead in the crook of her elbow as she continued watching the planet burn below them. The fading light of the nuclear detonation was the only thing left of her subordinate. _My friend_ , she corrected herself.

Only once the planet had disappeared from view did she make her way to the comm room. She swiped angrily at the tears on her face. Now was not the time to breakdown. This wasn't over. Saren was still out there. There would be plenty of time to grieve later but, for now, they had work to do.

Kaidan didn't even look at her as she took her seat beside him."I…I can't believe that Ash didn't make it. How could we just leave her down there?"

" _Stay alive. I_ _'ll be coming to get you too, Ash."_

" _I think we both know that's not going to happen, Commander."_

Shepard swallowed past the lump in her throat. "That was never my intention."

"I know." His dark eyes turned up, fixing her with an accusatory glare. "But why me? Why not her?"

"Don't question me, Alenko!" The muscles in her face tightened with her reprimand, and her shame. "I am your commanding officer. I did what I had to do, for the sake of the mission."

His mouth opened slightly, eyes going wide at her harsh words. His chest rose with a deep breath as he composed himself. "I'm sorry, Commander. You saved my life. I'm grateful for that. But Ash died because of me."

"Don't blame yourself," Shepard softened her words a little. "Ash's blood is on Saren's hands. And when we find that son of a bitch, I'll make him pay."

Grief bubbled in her chest, threatening to spill over in front of her entire team. Fighting past the knot that had worked its way back into her throat, she barked orders. "Everybody out! Joker, take us back to the Citadel."

She didn't look up from the comm room terminal as the quiet shuffling of boots headed towards the door. A heavy presence settled beside her. She squeezed her eyes shut, not ready for this conversation.

"Commander," an unexpected voice broke the silence. She startled and turned to face the hulking krogan mercenary that had hung back. "Things got heated back on Virmire…You did what you had to do. I respect your choice."

She nodded solemnly. "I appreciate what you did too, Wrex. I won't forget it." Along with their casualties, the cure for the genophage had also been destroyed when the nuke had blown Saren's base to ruin. Wrex had been confronted with a choice of his own on the planet and had sided with Shepard, even if it meant sacrificing the fate of his entire people to stop the rogue Spectre.

He ambled towards the door, but stopped and looked back before leaving. "Just make sure it was worth it."

Hours later, after her report to the Council had been filed and Mrs. Williams had been notified that her daughter had died honorably in action, Shepard stared down into the now empty expensive bottle of liquor that she had picked up on Arcturus a few weeks prior. The grief and regret and doubt stayed buoyant, floating in the sea of bourbon she'd been trying to drown it in. She had meant to share the alcohol in celebration when they finally apprehended Saren. Now it was gone. Like Saren. _Like Ash._

Shepard hurled the bottle across the room, watching as it shattered against the far wall. The dark brown glass clinked almost musically as the slivers showered down on the steel floor. Teetering as she rose to her feet, she braced her hands on the desk until the room stopped spinning. She was halfway to the mess hall when she stumbled into Captain Kirrahe, the salarian STG commander that they'd aided in the assault on Saren's base. It had been his team, his plan. His failed transmission to the Council was the reason the Normandy had even gone to Virmire in the first place. _His fault,_ she thought bitterly. Even through the haze of her inebriated mind, Shepard knew she wasn't being fair. Saren was why they'd gone to Virmire. Without the STG infiltration team, _none_ of them would have likely made it off the planet alive.

"It was an honor working with you, Commander Shepard," the slight alien greeted her. "My superiors will duly honor Chief Williams for her actions. Her sacrifice has earned humanity a great deal of respect from my people."

"Ash was a hell of a soldier and worth a lot more than your respect. I'd rather have her back," Shepard snapped at him.

Kirrahe nodded solemnly. "The loss of a trusted ally is never easy to accept. Rest assured, Commander…"

She stumbled away from him, bracing one hand against the wall as she hurried down the hallway before she had to listen to anything else he could say. Kirrahe had been the one to request an Alliance officer specifically today. And Kirrahe was the reason Shepard had gone back to the AA tower, instead of going back to the nuke for Ash.

 _Liar!_ She wrestled with the truth and her motives, unable to fit them each into the tidy, separate boxes they belonged in any longer.

Her bare feet carried her to the elevator and she mashed the button for engineering before she could think about where she was going. As the door slid down to deposit Shepard on the lower deck, she was greeted with only the low hum of the drive core. The steel floor was cold beneath her feet, unforgiving of her presence in this dark and grief stricken space. She spotted no one else. Even Garrus had vacated the sadness of the cargo bay. The Mako's weight sagged lopsided towards the floor, two of the tires so deflated that the rims nearly touched the deck. Shepard slowly picked her way across the floor until she reached Ash's station. The surface was clean and tidy, just as the chief had always left it. A shimmering holograph of one of Ashley's sisters—guilt twisted her stomach when she realized she'd not paid enough attention to know which this one was—smiled widely from a corner of the table. Shepard's hands trembled as she switched it off, unable to look upon the young woman who so much resembled her lost friend.

The elevator closed and hummed, signaling that someone had summoned it and was coming down. Shepard crept quietly to the corner, taking care to stay hidden. Her heart clenched when the door slid down a moment later, depositing the last person she wanted to see. The broad shouldered, dark haired lieutenant carried a box as he made his way briskly across the cargo bay. She watched from the shadows as he set the box on Ash's station and gingerly began packing her things. As his fingers closed around the extra kinetic coil Ashley had kept as backup, his shoulders began to shake. Shepard jumped, startled by the loud, abrupt sound of metal on metal as the coil clattered back to the tabletop. Not noticing the sudden movement in the shadows, Kaidan staggered backwards and slid down the sleek surface of the wall. The room filled with the sound of his harsh sobs as he buried his face in his hands.

Shepard watched as his shoulders heaved with guilt and grief, shame flooding her cheeks as she spied on the private moment. Those same feelings—the ones that had brought her down here in the first place—washed closer and closer to her breaking point, pounding against the walls of her resolve to set the agony aside until she'd seen the mission through to completion. If she stayed, Kaidan's grief would be the tipping point for her own. She needed to get out of there, and fast. She calculated the distance and probability of making it to the elevator, or down to Engineering, or even into the Mako without being spotted.

She crept from her corner of solace, attempting to balance on the balls of her feet to facilitate a stealthy retreat. Instead of drifting along the shadows as she'd planned, her sobering steps carried her until she stood directly in front of Kaidan. To comfort or be comforted, Shepard didn't know. It'd been so long since she'd shared her sorrows with flesh and blood that she wasn't even sure how it worked anymore.

Kaidan didn't bother to wipe the tears from his face as he looked up at her, unashamed of his grief. Yet he said nothing. Her breath caught in her throat and she took a hasty step backwards, anxiously, painfully, aware that maybe she was not welcome here. With a thick swallow, his tanned arm stretched out hollowing a space for her in the curve of his body. She hesitated for a brief second before sinking to her knees beside him and clinging to a strength she'd never known she needed. Arms wrapped around her, holding her tight against the firm planes of his chest as the weight of his head rested in the crown of her disheveled hair.

She wasn't sure how long they stayed like that. When their sorrow was finally spent and the two of them pulled apart, his shirt was soaked through with her tears, and her hair was wet with his.

"I'm sorry, for what I said back there," he finally said, his voice hoarse. "I shouldn't have questioned your decision, especially not in front of everyone else."

She pulled her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around them. "I don't like losing people either, Kaidan."

"You're a hero, Shepard. You _saved_ a lot of people. And you're going to save a lot more before this is over."

"A fucking hero. Right," she snorted with a shake of her head. She ignored the intent look of his eyes and rambled on. "I'm selfish. I do what I have to to survive and kill the people who get in my way."

"We've all killed people, Shepard. It's part of the job description," he said, warm reassurance flooding his voice. A brief crackle of static electricity sparked between them as he reached out to cover her hand with his own. She shook it off, reaching up to tug on her hair.

"I'd killed people long before I joined the Alliance, Alenko."

"So had I," he reminded her gently.

"True," she admitted quietly, sneaking a glance at him out of the corner of her eye. "You haven't had the easiest life. But I like the man it's made of you." The words slipped out, almost an easy admission in the face of everything they were going through.

"Did you…" He turned to look at her and glanced away again, keeping his eyes focused straight ahead before he continued. "Did your decision have anything to do with…with us?"

"No." The word rang hollow, even in her ears. All the reasons she'd used to justify her decision after the fact came tumbling out. "You were the higher ranking officer. You're a trained combat medic. You were the one with biotic ability, which was why I sent you with Kirrahe in the first place. You were with his team so I had to decide not just between you and her, but between a whole squad or a single fire team. She'd already armed the nuke and, if the geth overwhelmed us, the Normandy would have been at the bomb site and _no one_ would have made it out."

Tears threatened to resume their path down the already black streaked planes of her cheeks. "I wanted to go back for her. There just wasn't enough time."

All of the reasons were true, but none of them were _the_ reason.

When she'd sent him with Kirrahe, it had been specifically despite her desire to keep him close so she could protect him. Not wanting to let feelings she was barely ready to even acknowledge cloud her judgment and knowing that he was well suited to keeping Kirrahe and his men alive, she'd sent Kaidan with the salarian captain. When the salarian teams hadn't made it back to the rendezvous point, she'd raised Kaidan on the radio.

" _The geth have us pinned down. We_ _'ve taken heavy casualties. Just make sure that nuke goes off! We'll hold them off as long as we—_ " Shepard's heart had lurched in her throat as heavy gunfire had cut Kaidan off. He didn't respond again.

" _It_ _'s okay, Commander,_ " Ash had noted Shepard's distress and given her a small smile. " _We need a couple of minutes to finish arming the nuke. Go get him and meet me back here._ "

Shepard had raced as fast as she could towards the AA tower. Halfway there, a geth ship had sped over her head towards the nuke site and she'd had to decide whether to continue going forward or backtrack to Ashley. Then Ash had armed the nuke, urging Shepard to go to the lieutenant. Wishing she could be in two places at once, Shepard hesitated, trying to work out what the _right_ call would be, the call not compromised by feelings and attachment.

The husky tone that she'd grown so accustomed to in the past weeks filled her chest with relief as Kaidan's voice came back over the channel. " _We can handle ourselves. Go back and get Williams_." Followed by the sound of more gunfire and a grunt that was unmistakably Kaidan's, the same sound he made when his shields fell and bullets found their way to his armor.

" _Williams, radio Joker and tell him to meet us on the AA tower._ " And then she was running, telling Ash to hang on until she made it back. A promise she'd left unfulfilled.

A dainty 'ahem' jerked both of them back to their surroundings. Shepard looked up to see Liara standing in the middle of the room, wringing her hands as she watched the two of them. No telling how much the asari maiden had heard, but the distressed yet wistful look on her face said it had probably been enough. "Commander? Excuse me for interrupting. But I've been looking for you everywhere. I have an idea. I think the beacon you found in Saren's base was similar to the one you found on Eden Prime."

Ah, yes. The beacon. Shepard had almost forgotten about it. Of all the things that had happened on Virmire, a second Prothean beacon was near the bottom of the list of important details. Shepard immediately realized where Liara was going with this. She rose to her feet, the cold mask of the Commander sliding back into place as she crossed her arms over her chest.

"Nobody is messing with my head anymore. Forget it." Her hands slashed in an 'x' in front of her. As if the joining didn't freak her out enough as it was, the wounds of the day were still too raw for Shepard to have any interest in having someone else dig around in them.

"It may be the only way to stop Saren."

"That's what you said after Feros." Her face scrunched into a scowl remembering the last time Liara had used those words to convince her to meld. One corner of the asari's mouth pulled up in a sad half-smile of apology, but otherwise she said nothing.

Shepard sighed. "Looks like I don't have a choice. Alenko, round up the others. We'll meet in the comm room in ten." Giving her enough time to wash her face and compose herself before settling back into the full weight of the responsibility of their task.

"Yes, Commander." Kaidan brushed his pants as he stood and then gave Shepard's arm a gentle squeeze, his gesture deliberate despite being under the watchful gaze of the asari. His stride across the room was slow in his reluctance to leave, but they both knew that their time had passed. There was always more work to do and it had caught up with them.

At the designated time, the team had assembled upstairs as instructed. Shepard was the last to arrive, cheeks pink from the vigorous scrubbing she'd given them to wash away evidence of her loss of control over her emotions. She paused in the doorway, hesitant to join again with Liara, no matter how necessary it might be. Having an audience to witness her brain being probed added to Shepard's uneasiness, but it was still preferable to the intimacy it might lend the situation if it were just the two of them.

Sensing Shepard's reluctance, Liara attempted to reassure her. "The visions are already there, Commander. I only want to help you make sense of them."

"Let's just get this over with." Fists balled at her sides, Shepard crossed to the center of the room where Liara already stood and braced herself for the discomfort of the joining.

"Relax, Commander." _Yeah right_ , Shepard thought but she didn't back away as Liara's eyes went dark _._ "Embrace eternity!"

The violent vision exploded across the black space behind her eyelids. Red flashes of destruction stretched as far as she could see. This viewing of the disturbing images were no clearer than any of the previous times she'd experienced them. Shepard stumbled back as her connection with Liara broke apart.

The asari swayed on her feet and pressed the back of one hand to her forehead. "Incredible! I…I need a moment to collect myself."

"Time is a luxury we don't have," Shepard snapped. "Tell me what you saw."

Her face fell, but Liara nodded. "It's a distress call, a message sent out across the Prothean Empire. A warning against the Reapers, but the warning came too late. There were other images as well. Locations. Places I recognized from my research." Liara tilted her head to one side, her forehead crinkling as she paused. Shepard grit her teeth, trying to be patient. Suddenly, Liara's head snapped up, her face bright and eyes wide. "Ilos! The Conduit is on Ilos! That is why Saren needed to find the Mu Relay. It is the only way to get to Ilos."

"If Saren is going to Ilos, then so are we."

"Forget it," Tali spoke up from her chair at the side of the room. "The Mu Relay's inside the Terminus Systems. Alliance ships are not welcome there. Neither are Spectres."

Shepard's eyes narrowed as she turned and glared at Tali. "You think I give a shit about where I'm welcome? I'm stopping Saren, one way or another."

"Saren will have his entire fleet orbiting Ilos," Liara warned. "You will never make it down to the surface without reinforcements. You must alert the Council."

"We're already headed to the Citadel." Shepard slammed her fist into the palm of her other hand. "We're going to get our fleet and we'll get this son of a bitch, once and for all."


	24. Chapter 24

**Author's Note:** Sorry for the delay this week. My computer has decided it no longer would like to function so I've pulled life support and have ordered parts to build a new one. Luckily, my husband has been nice enough to allow me to use his laptop in the interim.

* * *

Joker's voice cut through the thick tension of the room, far more subdued than Kaidan had ever heard it. "Commander, we're getting an incoming transmission. Signature from the Citadel."

After Shepard excused them so she could deal with the Council, Kaidan made his way up to the cockpit. Grief permeated every corner of the ship. Some people wouldn't meet his eyes as he passed their station and the guilt twisted through him once again.

Kaidan settled himself in the co-pilot's seat and busied his hands at the controls. "Hey, Joker. You doing okay?"

"Oh, just dandy. I was the one piloting the ship and left our friend to be blown to bits by a nuke," he said, choking on the last words.

Kaidan looked over at his friend, searching for the right words. He'd been so wrapped up in his own survivor's guilt replaying Ashley's final words to him over and over and thinking it should have been him. Combined with the guilt over whatever was going on between him and Shepard, he hadn't even considered the burden the others must be feeling. He reached out and gently grasped his friend's shoulder. No amount of words would matter right now.

Joker's head turned in Kaidan's direction, though the pilot didn't shrug off Kaidan's hand. "I keep recalculating the whole thing in my head. If I'd just…"

"Don't." Kaidan shook his head. "You can't think like that."

Joker's eyes narrowed to slits and now he shoved Kaidan's hand away. "Oh, so you're telling me you're not thinking the same thing?"

"I'm doing the exact same thing," Kaidan snapped, "and that's why I'm telling you not to. It'll eat away at you until you've convinced yourself you made all the wrong calls."

"Yeah, I guess." Joker dropped his eyes back to the controls. Kaidan slouched further into the plastic chair, letting muscle memory take over as his fingers brought up some code. He focused on it, trying to lose himself in the repetition of the task and the absolutes of the programming. Neither of them attempted to fill the cockpit with idle chitchat, letting the only sound be the quiet beeps and blips from the Normandy's systems as she surged through space towards the mass relay.

A few hours later, his mind no clearer or any more guilt free than it had been before he came up, Kaidan excused himself to head down to the chow hall. He didn't have an appetite, but his biotics weren't going to let him skip a meal. Being physically ill on top of his mental anguish was not the state he needed to be in if they were going to follow Saren to Ilos.

Aside from the occasional clink of flatware on trays, heavy silence was settled over the room when he arrived. After he collected his own food from Sergeant Crosby, Kaidan lowered himself into a chair next to Garrus. The turian was sitting alone, holding the visor he usually wore in his taloned hands. He turned the transparent blue tech over and over, not seeming to notice Kaidan's presence.

"Ash was a hell of a soldier," Garrus finally said, not looking up. "If she had been turian, she would be considered one of the best."

Kaidan nodded. He wasn't quite sure what Garrus meant by that but, by human standards, she'd been pretty amazing.

"We turians tend to put the good of the group ahead of ourselves. Or we're supposed to anyway." Garrus stroked a talon over the inside of the visor's surface, before settling it back into place on his head. "It's funny. Before all of this, I looked up to Saren. He was the youngest turian ever accepted into the Spectres and he had an impressive record of getting the job done. But now…? He's a disgrace to my entire species. I can't begin to understand why he's allied himself with the Reapers."

"You heard him up on that AA tower. He thinks this is the only way to save organics."

Garrus looked over at him sharply. "I don't buy whatever he—or Sovereign—was saying back there. How did he find a Reaper ship in the first place? Unless the Council is protecting him and we're all being played." Kaidan didn't have to be an expert in turian communications to hear the bitter undercurrent running through Garrus's sub-vocals.

Kaidan pushed his tray towards the center of the table with a tired sigh before reaching into one of the cargo pockets of his pants. He pulled out a small piece of paper filled with scratchy handwriting. "I found this in Ashley's things. I thought she might like you to have it." He extended the note towards his friend, who looked between it and Kaidan a couple times before reverently plucking the paper from the palm of Kaidan's hand.

Garrus stammered a couple of broken words, his eyes never leaving the folded slip of paper.

"You don't have to explain anything to me," Kaidan said softly.

The turian's mandibles twitched on his face. "I want to," he finally said. Another moment went by before he continued. "She liked poetry. Even the turian kind." Kaidan smiled, remembering the stanzas of old Earth poems that she'd quote sometimes. "This is one from Palaven that I wrote down for her. I didn't realize she'd kept it." His talons traced the heavily creased edges that showcased the many times the paper had been unfolded and read and then folded again before he slipped it into a pocket.

"She read it to me once. Poetry really isn't my thing so I wouldn't know the bad from the good," Kaidan admitted. "But she seemed to like it."

"Thanks, Kaidan." Garrus said with a final, sad nod before the two lapsed back into silence. It didn't seem like the ship could ever recover from the loss of Ashley. That it could never again reclaim the light hearted camaraderie the crew had once shared.

Joker's monotone voice broke through the quiet. "Citadel Station in range. Prepare for docking sequence."

Shepard marched through the doorway, her shoulders squared and stiff with tension. "Kaidan, I need you in uniform. My mission report was apparently insufficient for the ambassador and he's called a meeting before the Council. I'd like you there as well."

* * *

"You wanted to see me?" Shepard stepped into the ambassador's office, Kaidan falling into place at her shoulder.

Udina looked up from his terminal for a brief moment at the sound of their entrance. "Good job, Shepard. Thanks to you, the Council is massing a joint species fleet to deal with Saren and his geth."

"It's about damn time," Shepard snapped. "I want the Normandy at the head of that fleet."

Udina's eyes narrowed before his face smoothed back into his politician's mask. Shepard tapped her foot and clenched her teeth as the infuriating politician turned back to his terminal. His fingers keyed in a few sequences before he finally shut down the system and rolled his chair away from the desk. "Let's not get ahead of ourselves, Commander."

He hurried them down the hall and through the tranquil space of the Presidium until they reached the Tower. She fidgeted as they piled into the elevator, unable to keep her body motionless as they waited to be deposited at the Council's chambers. Knowing that Saren was almost in her grasp made her twitchy and ready for action. The last thing she was interested in was the politics behind it. Leave that to the others and let her and her crew get back out there. The doors slid open and she marched out ahead, out pacing the ambassador in her eagerness to be on her way.

Her eyes scanned the circular garden, not finding the familiar face she'd expected. "Where's Captain Anderson?"

"I have no idea," Ambassador Udina answered, a little too quickly to be convincing. "He's no longer a part of this operation so I saw no need to provide him with a status update."

She didn't have time to call the obvious deceit into question. At the top of the steps, the three councilors were already in attendance, waiting for their human audience.

"Thank you for joining us," Tevos welcomed them with a gentle smile. "Thanks to your reports Commander, we've concluded that Saren may be massing his forces to attack the Citadel directly. If he is foolish enough to attempt it, we will be ready for him."

Sparatus nodded. "Patrols are stationed at every mass relay linking Citadel space to the Terminus Systems."

"What?" Shepard's mouth dropped open. "My report specifically said that Saren was headed to Ilos, and your fleet is hanging out _here_?" Anger rolled off her in waves. Ashley had _died_ getting this information. And the Council had bypassed the real issue and jumped straight to protecting their own asses.

"If we send a fleet deep inside the Terminus Systems, the only possible outcome is full scale war," Valern explained. Shepard bristled even more at his patronizing tone, explaining it to her as though she was a child. Her fingers balled themselves into fists at her side.

Udina turned in her direction. "Now is the time for discretion, Commander. Saren's greatest weapon was secrecy. Exposed, he is no longer a threat. This is over."

"Saren's just a servant of the Reapers. Sovereign is the real threat," Shepard said, turning her attention back the councilors and ignoring the human ambassador.

"Only you have seen the Reapers," Tevos said with a scornful huff . "And then only in visions. We won't invade the Terminus Systems because of a dream."

"Seriously? Did you even _read_ my report?" Shepard gawked at them. The Reapers were no mere vision from a Prothean relic. She'd seen one, in person. What they'd all thought to be Saren's ship of unknown origins had, in fact, been an actual Reaper. A holographic image of him had appeared and spoken to her in Saren's lab after she'd accessed the beacon they'd found there. Her blood still ran cold at his words.

 _You exist because we allow it. And you will end because we demand it. Our numbers will darken the sky of every world. You cannot escape your doom. I am the vanguard of your destruction._

Shepard pressed the Council, ignoring the pleading sound in her voice. Now was not the time for pride. "One ship going into the Terminus Systems won't start a war. I can be discreet."

"You detonated a nuclear device on Virmire." Sparatus jeered down at her. "I wouldn't call that discreet."

"Oh, fuck you," Shepard growled at him. "It was your infiltration team that came up with that plan. I just had the balls to get it done."

Valern blinked at her, his lipless mouth curling into a snarl which was more emotion than the impassive salarian councilor had ever shown in the past. Sparatus, for once, seemed at a loss for words.

Only Tevos, ever the mediator, remained calm and spoke as though she hadn't heard Shepard's outburst. "We have this under control, Commander."

"If Saren finds the Conduit, we're all screwed. We _have_ to go to Ilos."

"Ambassador Udina, I get the sense that Commander Shepard isn't willing to let this go," Despite his bored tone, Sparatus seemed pleased with Shepard's anger. During her vid conference with the Council earlier, he'd suggested that perhaps they'd been wrong to make her a Spectre, that perhaps humanity was too hot-headed to be suited for such a role in the galactic community. Her outburst was the justification he needed. Though she didn't care. As long as she stopped Saren, they could take her title and shove it up their collective asses.

"There are serious political implications here, Shepard." Udina turned and faced her, his eyes narrowing as he took in her scowling face. "Humanity's made great gains thanks to you. But now you're becoming more trouble than you're worth."

The faint scent of ozone filled the air as Kaidan spoke up for the first time. "You bastard! You're selling us out!"

Udina all but ignored the lieutenant. "It's just politics, Commander. You've done your job, now let me do mine." His words mocked what'd she'd said to him at the start of all this and the sneer in his voice told her he knew it. "We've locked out all the Normandy's primary systems. Until further notice, you're grounded."

"You son of a bitch!" Shepard took a step towards him before the weight of Kaidan's hand on her shoulder pulled her short. "You can't do this!"

"It's already done, Commander." Udina signaled and two C-Sec officers approached the platform silently. "Officers, escort these two back to their ship. If they give you any trouble, detain them in a C-Sec holding cell." He tilted his head, looking down his nose at her with poorly veiled superiority. "This no longer concerns you. The Council can handle this. With my help of course."

* * *

When Kaidan and Shepard arrived back at the dock, Shepard jerked her arm from the turian C-Sec officer's hand and stormed on board without a glance back. The officers had kept a firm grasp on her the entire way back. Apparently, the ambassador had warned them that Shepard could get a bit…unruly. The two of them had only spared a couple of glances in Kaidan's direction to ensure that he'd followed along, but otherwise had made no attempt to restrain him. Kaidan was almost offended, but couldn't dredge up any extra anger. All of his ire was being directed at the ambassador, ever since the man had informed them of the lock down.

"I always knew Udina was a prick." Joker greeted him as Kaidan stepped through the airlock. He glanced down the bridge and barely made out Shepard's chestnut hair as she disappeared down the stairwell. "But even I didn't realize he was that much of an asshole."

"How do you know about it?"

"What, you think docking clamps attach to my baby and I don't notice?" Joker shrugged. "Shepard _might_ have muttered his name with a long stream of curses when she marched past. Kinda gave me enough to fill in the blanks."

"I, uh, better go check on her." Kaidan nodded his head in the direction of the stairs.

Joker smirked. "Watch yourself. The Commander likes to throw things when she's pissed." As if to prove his point, he activated the audio of her cabin. Sure enough, the crashing sound of furniture and a steady stream of cursing echoed out from the speakers.

"Joker." Kaidan glowered at the pilot. Joker held up his hands in mock surrender. He deactivated the link and the angry noises blinked out, leaving the cockpit once again in silence.

Kaidan pointed at his eyes, then back at Joker, reminding the pilot that he'd be keeping an eye on him. Joker rolled his eyes and swiveled his chair back to face the front. Apparently, being grounded wasn't enough to get him to leave the pilot's seat.

The ship was eerily empty as Kaidan made his way down to Shepard's cabin. When he arrived at her door, all sounded quiet on the other side. The door hissed as it opened, granting him admission. Her room was a disaster, even more so than the first time he'd seen it. The contents of her desk were strewn around the floor, as though she'd swiped everything off in one angry shove. The chair was turned over in the center of the floor and, from the way it twisted, was irreversibly broken. Shepard crouched in front of it, her knuckles white around the metal cross bar that had given support to the frame of it. She glanced over her shoulder at him as his footfalls alerted her to his presence. A sharp clang punctuated her disgust as she tossed the metal bar to the floor and flopped around to lean back against the bed.

"Commander, are you alright?" The snarl on her face made it clear that she wasn't. "I'm sure there's a way to appeal. We're under Alliance authority, after all. Not the Council."

She glared up at him from under dark lashes. "You think I didn't try? Udina's got this ship locked down tighter than a virgin in a chastity belt. I can't get anyone to even _take_ my calls. Sorry," she added as Kaidan took a step back. She scrubbed a hand over her face before stopping to massage her temples. "I appreciate that you came to check on me."

"Of course." He shared a small smile with her. "You know you can count on me, or any of the crew."

"C'mon Kaidan. I can get a salute from anyone on this ship. I guess sometimes I need a shoulder."

Kaidan chuckled. "Cut me a little slack, Shepard. You're not exactly easy to read."

"I just might believe you," she said, arching one of her eyebrows at him, "if you weren't so damn good at it." She tilted her head back until it rested on the mattress, exposing the long expanse of her graceful neck. "God, this shit is frustrating. And it was frustrating _before_ we were grounded."

"You looked like you were ready to go off on the Council."

"Like you're one to talk," she smirked up at him.

It was true. He'd surprised even himself when he'd snapped at the ambassador. Luckily, he'd maintained enough control that his slight flare-up hadn't been visible and the ambassador had been none the wiser. "Maybe you're rubbing off on me. A little." He held up his palms with a shrug.

She snorted. "Glad I haven't rubbed off on you too much. If you hadn't pulled me back…I can't do shit sitting in a holding cell."

"You have something up your sleeve, Shepard? What am I saying? When don't you? That's what I lo—appreciate about you." Kaidan cleared his throat as heat crept up his face, desperately hoping that Shepard sucked at reading subtext.

Her warm, joyful laugh, the one that had made him finally admit he was falling for her in the first place, bubbled up from her throat. "Galaxy in the balance and you trip talking to me."

"I'm clearly out of my element here." He reached out a hand to pull her to her feet.

"I don't know, Alenko. You're doing alright if you ask me." Her cool, calloused hand grasped his, the static jumping between them like it always seemed to. As he hauled her up, her boot caught on the edge of the still toppled chair and she lurched forward. His other hand reached for her waist to steady her as her hand knotted in the fabric at his shoulder.

Shepard didn't step out of the circle of his arms. Instead, time stopped for a brief moment. This close, he could count the gold flecks in her green eyes and feel the wash of her breath across his face. His eyes dropped to the full expanse of her pink pout. As he watched, she caught her bottom lip between her teeth with a sharp inhale. Kaidan's heart thudded against his ribcage as she leaned closer, her thick lashes fluttering closed. Pulled by her gravitational force, his arms wrapped tighter around her as he followed her lead, their noses brushing lightly.

When their lips were a breath apart, close enough that Kaidan could feel the heat of them on his own, the comm system crackled and Joker's voice blared like a megaphone into the cabin. "Sorry to interrupt, Commander. Got a message from Captain Anderson."

Kaidan's eyes went wide and he jumped back from Shepard as though he'd just reached into scalding water.

Shepard's own eyes narrowed at the interruption and her jaw clenched with irritation. "Damn it, Joker. Are you spying again?"

"No, ma'am," Joker assured her, though the sound of the pilot clearing his throat in amusement did little to pass off the lie. "Just knew you were on the ship and figured I'd pass the message on. The captain said to meet him at Flux, that club down in the wards."

Kaidan raked his fingers roughly through his hair before looking at Shepard with a sheepish smile. "I guess you'd better go then."

"Yeah," she sighed as she tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear. Kaidan's heart swelled at the sound of disappointment in that one word. "I better not keep Anderson waiting."

After the VI announced Shepard's departure from the ship, Joker's voice came back over the intercom. "Shame, shame, Kaidan. Shame, shame," the pilot laughed gleefully.

"Careful, Joker." Kaidan glared up at the ceiling, despite knowing that the comm on the Normandy was audio only. "If you laugh too hard, you might break something important."

A short time later, his omni-tool pinged with a message.

 _You sure you're with me, no matter what? -Shepard_

He typed out a quick response, not bothering to ask her to elaborate. It wouldn't change his answer.

 _Always._

Whatever she'd gone to discuss with Captain Anderson hadn't taken long. Shepard was back on the ship within the hour. In the span of that time, the rest of the crew had returned as well, arriving in groups of twos and threes to take their places at their stations. Kaidan met her in the cockpit, ignoring the wink from Joker. She was more buoyant upon her return, a sly smile playing at her lips as she leaned against the back of Joker's chair, combat boot tapping an anxious rhythm against the floor.

"Alright, Shepard. What are you up to?" Kaidan asking as he stepped into place at her side.

She looked up at him, her eyes twinkling with mischief. "We're gonna take the Normandy for a little joyride."

"Commander!" Joker called to her, pulling her attention back to the controls. A pulsing light blinked and switched from dull red to a brilliant, vibrant green.

Shepard's face lit with a full blown smile. "Get us out of here, Joker. Now!"


	25. Chapter 25

**Author's Note:** This is my first true foray into this level of NSFW content, other than that bit of preview I did in chapter 15. So I've been really anxious to post this chapter (it's been written for awhile and beta'd for nearly a week) and still waffled before finally clicking the post button. If you're not interested in the _*ahem*_ details, skip through from the paragraph that starts with **"He was perfection;"** down to the paragraph starting with **"Utterly spent, she collapsed"** and you'll still get the plot of the chapter without the NSFW content.

* * *

Kaidan lost track of how many jumps they'd made on their way to the Mu Relay. The Normandy had been out of the Serpent Nebula before anyone even knew they were missing, thanks in no small part to Joker's expert piloting skills. There'd been no end to the transmissions they'd had coming through since though. With orders from Shepard to ignore them all, the crew had turned a blind eye to the frantic attempts of communication from the Citadel.

Before she had disappeared into her cabin, Shepard had tasked everyone on board with responsibilities to try to ensure that the mission would go as smoothly as possible when they reached Ilos. There been no further contact between himself and Shepard since Joker had interrupted them earlier. It'd probably been a blessing in disguise. They were already in a rough spot and the last thing they needed to do was muddy things by breaking regs.

The stripped parts of Liara's pistol lay strewn across the table in front of him. When Shepard had been doling out duties, Kaidan had volunteered to make sure all the weapons were in working order. No one had touched them since Virmire. Though all her personal belongings had been shipped home to her family, Ash's workstation still bore small traces of her existence. It was in the way she'd organized the cleaners and solvents, the way the brushes were lined by size, the scratched nick in the metal surface of the table from her knife as she'd tried to pry apart one of the jammed pieces and missed.

"Ah, Ash," Kaidan sighed to himself, the weight of his head resting heavily in the palm of his hand as he leaned against the table. "You know I'm never gonna do this to your standards."

 _Forget the guns, LT. You_ _'ve got a promise to keep._ She wasn't really there. Kaidan knew that. This wasn't some hallucination he'd dreamed up. Unless his implant had finally driven him crazy which, judging by the lack of rage or biotic build up, Kaidan doubted was the case. She'd been his closest friend in a long time. He had little trouble knowing what she'd be saying if she were here now. She always had been annoyingly persistent.

" _Hold on, Ash!" Kaidan opened a channel between the two of them, wanting to spare Shepard the agony of reliving her choice as she made her way to the AA tower._

 _Ashley_ _'s sarcastic chuckle rang in his ear. "An optimist to the end, huh LT." Guilt twisted his stomach knowing that he was the reason Ash was pinned down under overwhelming geth forces in the first place. If his team had been a little faster, Shepard would have never needed to leave Ash to come rescue him and they'd all be at the nuke site right now._

 _Three short bursts from her assault rifle and then he heard her again._ _"Hey, LT. Since this is it for me—"_

" _Don't talk like that," he scolded her, sending a geth sailing over the edge of the tower with a quick flick of his wrist. A shot from his pistol took out the flashlight of a second._

" _C'mon, Kaidan. We both know better. At least…at least this way, I can redeem the Williams' name." Her voice choked a little, but she continued. "Anyway, I just want you to know—and for the record, I'm only admitting this once—I was wrong. Sparkly hearts_ are _important. Don_ _'t forget, Kaidan. Okay? Promise me."_

" _Not gonna do that, Ash. I'm gonna make you repeat that when we're back on ship."_

" _Damn it, LT! You gonna deny my dying wish?"_

"Now's not the time," he mumbled to himself and maybe to her. _Now might be the only chance you get,_ his traitorous self conscience whispered back at him, reminding him that life was fleeting.

His hand scrubbed over his face. _Weapons first_. The mission still had to be the priority here, no matter what Ash—or his heart—wanted.

* * *

After making sure everyone on board was aware of what needed to be done en route to Ilos, Shepard retreated to the quiet seclusion of her cabin. The glow from the terminal screen was the only source of light in the room, but instead of drafting the memo to Alliance Headquarters that took full responsibility for this mutiny, Shepard sat with her head cradled in her hands. It hadn't been hard for Anderson to convince her that stealing the Normandy was the only course of action she could take, unless she just wanted to wait and watch everything play out from the sidelines. Now though? Waiting in the darkness for their arrival to the distant system had her questioning the sanity of putting the entire crew's lives, and careers, on the line for this.

The familiar _whoosh_ of her door announced a visitor. His silhouette was in shadow, but Shepard recognized the broad shoulders of her lieutenant nonetheless.

"Commander?" Kaidan paused in the doorway, seeming unsure whether he should come the rest of the way in. It had only been a few hours earlier that he'd stopped by to check on her and she'd ended up wrapped in his arms, close enough that she could feel the beating of his heart against her chest. Shepard's stomach tightened at the memory.

"For now." She motioned for him to come in with a grin of false confidence and the door closed with a sigh behind him. "The Alliance has to catch me before they can strip my rank. Though I think you and I are a little past titles."

Kaidan's brows knit in a frown. "We're a little past a lot of things." He shifted his weight back and forth while his hand combed through his hair. "What happens if this doesn't work out, Shepard? We mutinied, stole a prototype warship. If they wanted to get technical, they can throw in kidnapping. We're a hell of an example of humanity's best and brightest, huh?"

"Let someone else be on the poster." Shepard rolled her eyes and sat on the edge of the desk. "How good are first-timers supposed to be when it comes to saving the galaxy anyway?"

"Fair enough," he finally smiled, though it quickly morphed back into the worried frown. "I, uh. If things don't go well, I want you to know—well, I've enjoyed serving under you."

A sly smile dangled on the corner of her lips. "Why Kaidan. I don't think I've had the pleasure of you serving under me."

"Ouch," he chuckled, a slight flush rising on his cheeks. "I walked right into that, didn't I?" His whiskey colored eyes held her stare and he took a step towards her, closing the distance until she felt the shimmer of energy that always seemed to surround him. His body radiated heat that bled through her BDUs, but not even that could stop the goosebumps that danced over her flesh as his voice dropped low. "I think about losing you and I can't stand it. The galaxy will just keep going. Everything, even the Reapers will come around again. But you and I, _we_ are important right now. This is what will never happen again. Us. Shepard, you make me feel…human."

His words set her heart racing. She gripped the edge of the desk until her knuckles were white as her fight or flight response kicked in. Her brain screamed at her to run but, even if she wanted to, where would she go? Something had fundamentally shifted between the two of them since the start of the mission. No amount of running would change that. After everything, didn't she deserve the chance to allow herself one night to be something else, someone other than Commander Shepard?

"Raina." Her words were a quiet whisper as she slid to her feet. "My name."

Heat pooled in her center as he repeated the name she hadn't shared with anyone in over a decade, the sound of the syllables sliding over his tongue like silk rasping against sandpaper. She reached for him, wiping a smudge of gun oil from his face before her fingers tangled in the thick hair at the base of his skull.

She wet her lips expectantly, but the kiss she craved didn't come. Kaidan paused, watching her closely. "This can't change anything. This is a good crew. The finest I've served with. I don't want to mess it up."

She rolled her eyes, one corner of her mouth lifting in fond amusement. "Just shut up and kiss me, Alenko."

"Careful," he chuckled again, cupping her jaw in his hand. "I might think that you're abusing your authority. A serious breach of protocol."

His fingers tangled in her hair as he closed the final few millimeters still between them, covering her mouth with his. No amount of fantasy could have prepared her for the softness of his lips. He claimed her thoroughly, deepening the kiss as his tongue slid against hers. Her brain barely registered the dull thud of her thighs as he backed her into the desk. Warm, calloused hands slid under her blouse, trailing fire up the base of her spine. A throaty moan filled the room as he peppered kisses along her jaw, pausing to suck at the sensitive flesh just under her ear, and she realized with a start that the moan was hers.

Breathless, she tried to regain control over the situation. With deft hands, she made quick work of his belt. As soon as it loosed its grip on his waist she tugged his shirt over his head, baring the firm planes of his chest. The offending blue fabric sailed across the room and puddled in a corner.

He was perfection; tanned and toned, soft skin contrasting the lean muscles it covered. Shepard raked her hand down his body with blunted fingertips, flicking the pebbled nub of his nipple first with a finger, then her tongue as her lips followed the same path seconds later. She traced the tip of one finger along the shape of the erection straining at the seam of his utility pants. A low growl and the sight of his fists clenched tightly at his sides rewarded her for her efforts.

She could _hear_ him swallow above the sound of his shallow breathing as she unfastened each button of his pants. Pausing to marvel at the firm curve of his ass, Shepard slid the pants down his hips with a hum of approval. Free of its confines, his cock sprang up at attention like a well trained soldier.

Suddenly impatient, Shepard shoved herself back from him and yanked her shirt over her head, before shoving her pants over the swell of her hips. She paused. A romp between the sheets with her lieutenant was the last thing she'd expected when she got dressed this morning. She certainly hadn't prepared for the occasion and her ratty, red N7 sports bra and plain boyshorts suddenly had her feeling self conscious. She smoothed her hand over the puckered flesh of the acid burn on her side.

"God, you're beautiful." His cognac colored eyes were dark with lust as he drank in the sight of her.

Insecurities pushed aside, she hooked her thumbs under the elastic band of her sports bra and pulled it over her head. The cool air of the ship caressed already hardened nipples as she tossed the spandex scrap of material to the corner to join Kaidan's shirt. Having toed his boots off, Kaidan didn't wait for Shepard to free herself of her underwear before reaching for her again. The sensitive peaks of her breasts grazed his chest as he pressed her to him, flesh on naked flesh this time. He slanted his mouth over hers in a hungry kiss, reaching down to grasp her ass.

Instinctively, she wrapped her legs around his tapered waist when he lifted her. The length of him slid against damp cotton, sending sparks dancing to her core. He backed up until he found the bed and lowered the two of them to the soft mattress. She rocked desperately against him, chasing heat and friction as the thin slip of material between them grew wetter by the second. With a shudder, she ground herself to a stop. _She_ was the one in control here.

Ignoring Kaidan's reluctant groan, Shepard broke their kiss and disentangled herself from his lap, letting the cold, unforgiving metal of the floor on her knees temper the desire that threatened to consume her. Tiny shivers pricked along her skin as she fought against it in an effort to regain the upper hand. Kaidan's cock jumped as the soft touch of her breath caressed over it. A swift lick of her tongue to the underside of it had him tangling the sheets in his fists. Lust thrummed through her at the sight. Another flick and then she began a slow descent down the length of him, working her tongue along his shaft as she went. Kaidan hissed and strained beneath her hands, the power of his self control keeping him from bucking into her mouth.

The cabin filled with the scent of dark energy, like rain in a thunderstorm and the very air in the room vibrated. From her place between his thighs, her eyes followed the expanse of skin up to his face. His chest heaved with shallow breaths that forced their way between his clenched teeth. The power of it was heady, but nothing prepared her for the flood of desire that spiraled through her at the sight of the flickering blue light that danced across his irises.

"Stop," he choked out the word. "I can't—"

She released him with a wet pop and pressed a tender kiss to the head of his cock before rocking back on her heels. The thick corded muscle of his arms hauled her up and tossed her back on the bed, effectively changing their positions in seconds.

Kaidan brought his mouth to the apex of her thighs, laving her through the fabric of her panties. A quick tug pulled them to her knees and his breath ghosted over her. Her hands grasped for him, blindly reaching for the dark curls of his hair so she could steer him right where she wanted him. Countering, the heat of his hands closed around her wrists and pinned them to the bed sheets. She whimpered and bucked but no matter how she moved, he moved with her, never giving her the friction she needed. Needing to clutch at something—anything at this point—she fisted the sheets until her knuckles turned white. Only then did he release her.

His hands slid under her body and cupped her ass, lifting her center up to meet his mouth. He lapped at her, enthusiasm and talent matched in equal measure as he flicked over her, circling her clit on the upstroke. Pleasure bloomed and radiated through her and Shepard fought against it. She trembled with the sheer force of trying to control the crest that was building, trying to hold it at bay. She came on her terms damn it, on her—

A sob wracked her body as Kaidan pressed a finger into her. He worked her with unwavering precision, winding her tighter and tighter until she was a quivering mess. Sweat glistened on her skin, chilling and drying in the cooling air of the climate controlled cabin. When a second finger joined the first, spots danced across the backs of her eyelids. He drove her closer to the edge, until she was dangling by her fingertips at the precipice.

"Let go." His voice dripped over her like honey as his fingers curled inside her. Her frayed control snapped and she fell, sobbing his name like a prayer until her throat was dry.

Kaidan slid up her body, kissing her gently as he carried her through the aftershocks of her orgasm. His fingers dragged up her leg from ankle to thigh with delicious pressure as he pressed her knee to her chest and eased himself between her open thighs.

Clear headed now, Shepard was desperate to reclaim the advantage. Her palms shoved against the taut muscles of his chest and she rolled her hip, tipping him to his back. From the vantage point of her perch atop him, she took a moment to admire the flush of his skin. She rolled her hips against him, earning a throaty groan as the slick of her lower lips slid along the length of him. Victory claimed, she lifted her hips enough to reach between them and finally guide him inside her.

"Rai." The breathless gasp of her name on his lips when he was fully sheathed within her tightened the coil in her belly.

His hands moved to the flare of her waist, thumbs digging into the bone of her hips as she slowly rocked against him. His pupils were blown out and his face flushed with fierce concentration as he gazed up at her. The pit of her stomach clenched and she dropped her gaze back to his chest, uncomfortable with the intimacy of the gesture. He chose that moment to tighten his grip. His large hands held her in place as his hips snapped up, burying himself deeper within her on every stroke.

"Oh fuck. _Kaidan_ …" She shuddered and her blunt fingernails dug into his chest, leaving white half moon marks in their wake.

At the sound of her moan, his hips faltered and he lost the rhythm he'd built up. He loosened his grip on her and burrowed one hand into the snarled, sweaty tendrils of her hair. Dragging her down to him, he crushed his lips to hers with a hunger that left her gasping. The power of his biotics sparked between them, the tingle of it dancing over her skin.

It was nothing compared to what he could do in combat. This was just the tiniest release of the power he could harness, but this close and against her naked flesh…she almost couldn't breathe against the heady pleasure of it. The cerulean tendrils of dark energy arced between them, lighting her every nerve ending on fire in a way that made her hyper aware of everything that touched her, from the soft cotton of the sheet beneath her knees to the damp slickness of Kaidan's sweat. It thrummed against her, building in power until it exploded like a supernova and pushed her over the edge, Kaidan following behind her as he swallowed her silent scream with a final thrust.

Utterly spent, she collapsed against his chest. He wrapped his arms around her tightly and placed a soft kiss on the crown of her head. She waited for him to say something, but the farther the silence stretched, the more antsy she felt. Shepard was _not_ a cuddler. She craned her neck to look up at him, only to find his eyes closed. His chest rose and fell with even breaths.

Shepard flexed her elbow to break his hold on her, but he barely stirred at the disturbance. She jerked on her sweatpants and pulled a hoodie over her head before turning back to his sleeping form. With an irritated sigh, she rummaged through her drawers until she found a cloth to wipe him clean. Done, she tossed the soiled rag in the pile of her dirty clothes and covered Kaidan with the sheet before heading for the showers.

When she returned, he was still in her bed, hair dark against the white of the pillowcase. One hand was flung up over the top of his head and his face was buried in the crook of his elbow. He'd stirred enough that the sheet now only covered one leg and a tiny portion of his waist, leaving him looking like a model for a provocative calendar, or maybe a fragrance ad. A tiny smile tugged at her lips at the sight of him, warring with the side of her that resented his lingering presence.

Shepard had never thought a man beautiful before that instant but, with his long lashes—longer than any man had a right to have—feathered against his cheekbones and the fullness of his relaxed lips, she didn't know how he could be considered anything but.

Her report to Alliance Headquarters regarding her culpability in the mutiny was almost finished when a soft yawn and rustling sheets alerted her to Kaidan stirring. She finished typing a sentence, then chanced a glance over her shoulder at him. He was propped up on his elbows, surveying her with a tender smile. Her stomach did flip flops and she bristled at the sudden rush of emotion.

"It's been a long time since I met a woman who—"

The comm crackled as Joker's voice interrupted Kaidan's train of thought. Shepard had never been so grateful for the pilot's horrible timing. "Bridge to Commander Shepard. We're five minutes out from the Mu Relay."

"Got it, Joker. On my way," she answered. She waited until the static disappeared before she turned back to Kaidan. "I should go," she said, tilting her head towards the door.

Kaidan nodded. "Joker will be waiting on the bridge. I swear though, if anything happens to you…"

Her eyebrow arched on her face as a mischievous grin spread across her face. "What happened to 'this can't change anything'? You don't think you're sitting this one out, do you? You better get that sweet ass dressed and meet me on the bridge."

His hearty laugh followed her through the door.


	26. Chapter 26

**Author's Note:** Finally, we've reached the end of ME1! I'm excited for the coming weeks, where we dive further into the inbetween in the timeline. As always, I appreciate the comments and kudos and look forward to your thoughts!

* * *

"We're in a race to save the galaxy and you want to play Q and A with a hologram?" With her mouth twisted in an angry snarl, Shepard stared daggers of steel at Liara as Vigil flickered behind them.

When they'd arrived at Ilos, Saren had indeed had his geth fleet orbiting the planet, just as Liara had warned. Joker made the tightest drop in Alliance history, dropping the Mako from the Normandy with only twenty meters of open terrain to spare instead of the hundred that was standard procedure for Alliance drops. Though they'd landed nearly on top of Saren, the rogue Spectre had maintained enough of a lead that he'd managed to lock down access to the bunker he'd entered. Shepard and her ground team spent the next half hour fighting through his geth sentries in an attempt to find a way into the underground compound.

Kaidan had told Shepard that their night together couldn't change anything. Though he'd meant it, the man in him had worried about upholding the sentiment himself. It was a relief to discover they fought just as well together as they always had. In battle, she moved with the same graceful, deadly elegance and, despite now having firsthand knowledge of the taste of her creamy skin hidden beneath the ceramic plates of her N7 armor, Kaidan hadn't let himself become distracted by it. The two of them still moved as a fluid unit, his biotics setting up easy targets for her one shots kills and their combined tech skills decimating enemy shields. _Because you had feelings for her long before last night,_ his brain was quick to remind him _._

As Shepard had steered the Mako down the narrow corridors, Liara hummed with excitement as they passed through the ruins of the abandoned Prothean city. She'd gasped in delight upon noticing the walls of the building covered in stasis pods, row after row of them. A reverent whisper filled the Mako as she'd wondered if any Protheans had survived after all. The childlike wonder in her eyes had only dimmed briefly as the flickering of a kinetic barrier halted the vehicle in its tracks and the three of them had been forced to descend on foot.

A lower chamber, smelling of rotting vegetation and millennia-old musty, stale air, was where they had discovered the Prothean VI called Vigil, an amazing data cache of Prothean knowledge and the prior Reaper invasion that had wiped out the entire species. Somehow able to scan for the "taint of indocrination", the VI had erected the barrier to herd them towards its chamber when it had deemed them free, unlike Saren.

Visibly agitated with the delay, Shepard ordered the VI to let them pass. Instead, it urged the importance of listening; to end the cycle that had continued for millions of years, they must first understand it to avoid making the same mistakes that the Protheans had. The data had been illuminating and mind boggling, but they didn't have time to stop and ponder over it. Vigil offered them a slim chance against Sovereign: a data file that would corrupt the Citadel's security protocols and give them control over the entire station.

"But Shepard," Liara protested, dismay clear in her voice. She hadn't taken her blue eyes from the swirling, bodiless image of the VI. "Even now the projection is weak! Who knows how much longer Vigil will be here?"

Kaidan resisted the urge to take a step back as Shepard's glare intensified, even though her anger wasn't directed at him. He felt for the asari; she'd spent most of her life studying the Protheans and before her was the opportunity of a lifetime. So little remained of the ancient race and Vigil was a solid link to that lost civilization. Any information she could get from it would be sure to catapult her research light years ahead of her peers.

Shepard's voice turned cold. "Alenko, grab that data file. Liara, by all means, if you'd rather stay here, stay. But I'm leaving, with or without you."

Liara hung her head and took a deep breath. "You are right, Shepard. Saren is more important. We…we should go."

She was much more subdued as they made the trip back to the Mako. "All their culture, all their advanced technology, and the Protheans were taken in by the Reapers, just as we were. They failed." Defeat hung heavy in her voice.

"Not entirely." Despite the overwhelming odds, hope flooded Kaidan's voice. "They've given us a weapon. They've given us a chance…if we can just _get_ there in time."

"Well, stop fucking bickering about it and get in," Shepard snapped as she climbed into the Mako and settled herself at the controls.

Whatever power Vigil had left, he used it to lower the barrier and allow them access further into the compound. The Mako's nav system blossomed with scores of enemies ahead. Shepard drove over them, their metallic platforms crunching under the wheels of the vehicle. She didn't waste time to stop and obliterate them all. If the guns didn't take them out, and the Mako didn't crush them, the maxed acceleration of Shepard's reckless driving left the geth behind.

Shepard slowed the Mako to a crawl when they reached the steep decline of the corridor. Kaidan let out a low whistle at the sight in front of them. The corridor opened into a large antechamber and, in the center of it, the gyroscopic rings of a miniature relay spun around the glowing blue core of element zero.

"There!" Liara pointed towards the plate glass, her body pushed between the two seats of the front. "The Conduit! It is incredible!"

"We don't have time to admire the view. We have to get through that relay…and these geth aren't going to make it easy on us." The scanners in front of him revealed the signatures of at least 4 geth colossi at the bottom of the descent. "We're all fastened up, eh?" Kaidan said as he checked the fit of his harness, sparing a sidelong glance at Liara. Shepard tilted her head to the side and looked at him with a deadpan expression from under her full brows before her mouth split into a wide grin.

Liara flushed a deep lilac color and dropped back to her own seat. "A wise recommendation, Lieutenant." She fit the straps of her harness over her shoulders, tightening them until she was securely anchored.

Shepard punched the accelerator and the Mako lurched forward, momentarily airborne before slamming back to the ground and rushing down the steep angle of the ramp. Almost immediately, the siege pulse from one of the Colossus's mass accelerator cannons slammed into the hull of the vehicle. It shuddered with the force, shields shredding on impact, but continued forward. Kaidan kept the machine gun hot, trying to whittle away at the machines' defenses. They were only a few meters away from the relay when a second pulse hit them from behind. Shields completely depleted, the Mako started smoking.

"Shepard!"

"On it, Alenko. If we can just…" Her voice was forced through clenched teeth as she coaxed the Mako forward, trying desperately to reach the Conduit. No way a human could withstand the trip through a relay on foot. One more hit would induce catastrophic failure and force them to abandon the vehicle. Despite sustaining heavy damage, the environmental seal was still intact and, hopefully, able to provide the protection they needed to make the jump. Kaidan shuddered. No evidence supported the theory that a Mako could actually survive mass relay transit and there was no time to test it. On the bright side, if they didn't make it through, neither had Saren.

"Hang on!" Kaidan clutched at his harness. "Things are going to get a little rough!"

As the rings sped up, aligning the Conduit with its corresponding relay back on the Citadel, the Mako entered the gravitational field of the approach corridor and was slung at a ninety-degree angle straight in the air.

* * *

Shepard groaned. Blood dripped from a gash in her forehead, making a tiny puddle on the ceiling above her. _What?_ She screwed her eyes closed, and then opened them again in an effort to get a bearing on her surroundings. Understanding dawned on her with a second look. The Mako must have flipped when it made the jump. Her fingers grappled at the straps of her harness and, with a final, swift tug, she managed to release its hold on her. As gravity took over, she tumbled to the ceiling in a messy heap.

"Kaidan!" For all her professionalism, Shepard couldn't keep the panic from staining the edges of her voice at the sight of him dangling limply over her head, still secured in his harness.

His lashes fluttered open, pain clearly evident behind his whiskey colored eyes, but he gave her a soft smile and waved her towards Liara. Shepard twisted around to check the back, ignoring the heat of shame that washed over her. Maybe regs really did exist for a reason. Liara, alert and looking none the worse for wear, slipped through the restraints of her own harness. A low _oomph_ filled the small space as Kaidan dropped to the ceiling beside her.

Shepard turned her attention to the door. The damn thing was stuck. The blows from her boots to the metal echoed like thunder and, with a final kick, the door creaked open with an angry groan.

"Guess it's not a statue," Shepard muttered and hauled herself through the small space. The Mako had slammed into the side of the Citadel Tower, a few meters away from the mass relay statue. As she hoisted herself to her feet, the spinning rings of the relay slowed to a stop. When Vigil had said that the Conduit would take them directly to the Citadel, she hadn't connected the dots. Flickering fires dotted the paths around the Presidium and had replaced the soft, artificial light that usually bathed the tranquil space. "C'mon. We need to hurry."

"Critical failure is detected across all systems. Please begin emergency evacuations. This is not a drill." Avina, the station's VI, stuttered and spun erratically with her warning message.

Shepard hurried across the room, pulling short when she stopped in front of the badly damaged holographic generator. "Status report." Avina's hologram blinked on and off, but it reported the extent of the damage to the station. Shepard squeezed her eyes shut for a brief moment as the VI declared high civilian casualties. "Locate Saren Arterius."

"Scanning." Avina flickered again. "Former Spectre agent Saren Arterius is nearing the vicinity of the Council Chamber. A warrant has been issued for his arrest. Citadel Security is unable to respond at this time."

"We need to stop Saren before it's too late." Shepard jogged the final distance to the elevator, her team at her heels, and prayed to whatever gods that might be listening that it was still operational.

Someone up there—someone with a twisted sense of humor—must have been paying attention because the elevator sped halfway to the top of the tower before coming to a shuddering halt. Shepard cursed. Saren must have locked down the station's systems and that meant he'd already reached the control panel. _Fuck._

"Suit up," she commanded, drawing her pistol from the holster at her hip. "We're going outside. Alenko, keep an eye on your scanners for another way in."

The glass of the elevator shattered into a thousand glittering fragments and spun lazily in the zero-gravity environment. The arms of the station were closed, forming a tight cylinder around the centralized tower. The wards stretched for kilometers, glowing dimly as the red emergency lights of the station twinkled like a billion stars, but Shepard didn't have time to stop and admire the view. She stepped over the ledge and, with a quick activation of her mag boots, dropped solidly along the side of the wall. Kaidan and Liara landed to either side of her with dull clunks.

The three of them moved as quickly as they could along the tower's wall. Fire teams of geth and more of Saren's servant krogan met them along their path, but none were a match for the biotics her team brought to the table. Tiny flicks of their wrists would send the hostiles floating in space, unable to counteract the lift before Shepard could take them out with her sniper rifle. A well placed throw in the zero-g environment would send even the heaviest of enemies soaring far past the column of the tower. Of course, that meant that the three of them also had to be careful to avoid sailing off themselves which made the going slower than Shepard would have liked.

Unfortunately, the Citadel fleets around the station had been unequipped to deal with the geth ships that paved the way for Sovereign's arrival. Many of the dropships, and the lone Reaper itself, had made it into closing arms of the station before it'd been sealed shut. For every geth Shepard and her team destroyed, another two appeared, like some kind of synthetic hydra while one gigantic leg of the Reaper ship rose and fell at the far end of the Tower, counting down to galactic extinction in steady booms that quaked the floor beneath the trio's feet.

"Shepard! Over here!" Kaidan's silhouette rippled in the darkness from the blue energy of his barrier field as he waved her towards a small hatch. Breaths escaping in short huffs that echoed in their suit comms, Shepard and Liara raced as fast as they could towards him as he provided them with cover.

The maintenance hatch opened just below the stairs that led up to the fountain in the Council Chamber. Their boots pounded a frantic rhythm as they raced to the top. Saren was already at the edge of the platform, talons typing out a sequence of clicks without hesitation. Shepard fired a shot as she crested the top of the stairs, but Saren had already shifted his position, tossing a grenade at them as he went.

"Move!" Shepard shouted to her team and dove to one side.

The incendiary grenade exploded on impact right where they'd been standing. Even though they were out of the proximate blast zone, the concussive force of the explosion knocked the three of them to their feet and shredded their shields. Shepard pressed herself against the wall of the stairwell and glanced to the side. Liara had been flung roughly into one of the supports and was now curled in a ball against the pain. Kaidan grasped her arm and pulled her behind a large planter, checking her vitals once they were securely behind cover.

"I was afraid you wouldn't make it in time, Shepard." Saren gloated. Her face hardened into a scowl as she dropped her head back against the wall in frustration.

As much as she wanted to unload her pistol into his chest, she needed to give her shields enough time to recharge. She needed to get him talking. "Had to wipe out a few hundred geth on the way. Sorry if I kept you waiting." Sarcasm dripped heavily from her voice.

"You've lost. You know that, don't you?" Pity and begrudged respect mixed in his sub-vocals. "In a few minutes, Sovereign will have full control of all the Citadel's systems. The relay will open. The Reapers will return."

"You know what your problem is, Saren? You keep underestimating me."

"Perhaps," he conceded, then continued after a short pause. "Or perhaps you've underestimated me. I've changed since we last met. Improved. Sovereign has…upgraded me."

Shepard peered around the short wall. Her mouth twisted in disgust as she noted the glowing blue tech that dotted his body and peered at her from his eye sockets. He was more machine than turian. "Fancy hardware's not going to save you."

"I am the vision of the future! Organic and machine intertwined, a union of flesh and steel. The strengths of both, the weaknesses of neither! Don't you understand, Shepard. This is our destiny! Stop fighting it."

"Never," Shepard growled. "I'd rather die than live like that."

"Then you will die! Everyone you know and love. Everyone you've ever met. The Reapers can't be stopped." Resignation hung heavily in his words.

"Then at least I'll die fighting." She whirled from cover, unable to listen to anymore of his indoctrinated nonsense. Her shields were at half strength. It'd have to be enough. "Which is more than I can say for you."

He watched her cautiously, but made no move to fire his weapon. After a brief pause, something seemed to soften in the engineered glow of his eyes and the grip on his pistol loosened, before he doubled over in pain. The vision of Fai Dan fighting control of the Thorian flashed in her head as Saren groaned and twisted, trying to escape the invisible tendrils of whatever hold Sovereign had over him.

"Goodbye, Shepard." Saren choked out the words and turned his pistol inward. "Thank you."

* * *

Kaidan jerked at the sound of the gunshot. Shepard hadn't moved. Her pistol, though gripped tightly in her hand, remained at her side. He flared and pushed the edges of his barrier outward until it settled over her as well. He shoved himself to his feet just in time to see a torrent of blue blood erupt from the back of Saren's head. The rogue Spectre tumbled backwards and fell over the edge of the platform, shattering the glass of the atrium below. From gunshot to shattered glass, the fight was over in seconds.

With a heavy sigh, Shepard holstered her weapon and rushed to the console Saren had left open. Letting his barrier dissipate, Kaidan turned to help Liara to her feet and the two of them hurried to catch up.

Shepard glanced back towards them as they came to a stop a few paces behind her. "Vigil's data file worked. I've got control of all systems." Kaidan watched over her shoulder, once again impressed at her coding expertise as she punched in various sequences to begin the process of reopening the station's arms.

As soon as she disabled the barriers that had been blocking all outside signals, they began picking up chatter from different ships engaged in the battle outside of the station. One particular transmission reported that the Destiny Ascension was under heavy attack. The entire Council was on board in their attempt to evacuate.

Joker's voice cut through the reports, thinly veiled desperation riding the last few words of his transmission. "Normandy to the Citadel. Normandy to the Citadel. Please tell me that's you, Commander."

"You were expecting someone else?" Shepard smirked.

"Good to hear you made it, Commander." His voice sobered. "All the relays around the Citadel are locked down. I've got the entire Arcturus fleet in the Andura sector, but we can't get through."

"If you open the relays now, human casualties will be very high." Liara stepped forward and placed her hand on Shepard's shoulder. "I know it is a necessary evil, but you must reserve your fleets for Sovereign. Wait until the arms are open."

Shepard twitched her shoulder and dislodged the asari's tender touch. "Opening the relays now, Joker. Get in there and give 'em hell!"

Confusion was written all over Liara's face. "The noble choice. I just hope it does not turn out to be the wrong one."

"Sovereign's just the beginning. We can't afford the power vacuum of losing the entire Council. Can you imagine all the politicians picking over the carcasses of the empty seats?" Shepard's eyes rolled at the thought. "Not noble at all. Tactical."

"It was the right call," Kaidan spoke up quietly. "The Reapers are a threat to every organic species in the galaxy. We're going to need all the help we can get if we want to be ready for them."

Shepard flashed a small smiled in his direction before narrowing her eyes at the hole punched through the glass below them. "Make sure he's dead."

Kaidan nodded and he and Liara dropped down to the lower level. The shy asari grit her teeth together and stalked across the lush grass. She paused and stared down impassively at the large shard of glass that pierced through Saren's body. Suddenly, she yanked her pistol from its holster and shot the dead turian through the head. Despite the chill that ran down his spine at the cold expression on her face, Kaidan couldn't say he blamed her. After all, Saren was the reason Benezia was gone.

"He's dead," Kaidan radioed up to Shepard, masking his relief in professional stoicism.

The two of them turned to make their way back upstairs just as the entire tower trembled beneath them. Red energy danced and sparked around the room before condensing around the dead Spectre's body, lifting it in the air. The hard carapace and leathery flesh of the turian disintegrated with the power, leaving behind only the cybernetic connections of the Reaper implants. The force of an energy blast as the last piece of organic material was stripped away slammed Kaidan and Liara both backwards where they collided with a central column that supported the weight of the upper level.

Shepard landed heavily in the grass in front of them. The violent rocking of the station had loosened the structural support of the expandable platform. Free of its constraints, one end had collapsed into the atrium and sent Shepard tumbling down. Kaidan pulled her to her feet just as the Saren…thing leapt for the wall.

"I am Sovereign. And this station is mine!"

Before now, Kaidan only had Shepard's account of talking to the Reaper at Saren's base on Virmire. It hadn't prepared him for the dread that knotted in his stomach at the sound of the ancient machine's voice.

The machine—Kaidan couldn't bring himself to call it Saren—behaved like a geth stalker, except faster. It moved in the blink of an eye, never staying in one position long enough to get a hard lock on it. Between that, and the close quarters, Shepard's sniper rifle was useless forcing her to switch to her pistol. The implants also seemed to have been augmented with an advanced exoskeleton, increasing its physics threshold and weakening any biotic attacks that Kaidan and Liara managed to hit it with. In an attempt to conserve his biotic energy, Kaidan alternated his offensive dark energy abilities with tech attacks.

Sweat beaded on his forehead. The headache he'd had since the Mako's crash landing in the Presidium was well on its way to a full blown migraine from the continuous effort of maintaining the speed and force of his abilities. As the fight dragged on, Kaidan felt slow, empty even, as he drained every last bit of reserves he had.

He and Shepard hit it with an overload attack at the same time, followed with a quick burst from her pistol and a warp attack from Liara. With a final shudder, the synthetic collapsed. The energy that had powered it overloaded, setting the cybernetics on fire. A last desperate crackle of energy snapped through it and the husk of the spectre disintegrated into nothing more than a dark spot of ash in the grass.

Kaidan struggled to remain upright as dark spots danced in front of his eyes. A quick glance at the others revealed that they weren't in much better shape. Liara had dropped to her knees, chest heaving as she sucked deep breaths through her mouth and even Shepard slouched against the column. Over the ragged pulls of their breaths, the dampened sounds of the battle raged outside.

With a lackluster shove, Shepard pushed herself from the wall. Kaidan's brow furrowed at the way she favored her left leg as she crossed the room to him.

"Migraine?" She asked quietly. He ignored her and pulled up the medical diagnostics on his omni-tool. A soft chuckle reached his ears. "Landed wrong when I fell off that platform. Leave it for Dr. Chakwas. I'm sure she'll enjoy advising me to rest."

"It couldn't hurt." He smirked back at her.

A shadow darkened the room as a massive explosion rocked the building. Shepard turned her face towards the window that looked out from the tower and fear flooded her eyes. She clutched at him momentarily and then pushed him forward. "Go!" He didn't hesitate or stop to ask why. The panic in her voice was reason enough to obey her order.

They hadn't made it far when the tower shook again with more force, accompanied by the sound of shattering glass. Debris rained from above. Kaidan pulled short, barely avoiding a large chunk of floor from one of the upper observation decks that slammed down in front of them. A deafening groan rose over the emergency sirens. Sovereign—or a piece of it anyway—dangled above them, but the weight of the metal was proving too much for the damaged struts. With a final groan, the beam gave out and the debris hurtled towards them.

The collapsed piece of the upper level saved them. The Reaper fragment struck it at one end. The other end crashed to the floor, creating a small, steepled pocket. They were trapped. But they were alive.

Kaidan activated his omni-tool, giving a dull orange glow to the darkness of their sanctuary. Liara coughed beside him, purple blood oozing from a gash on her shoulder where a piece of metal had punctured through her armor. Bile rose quickly in the back of his throat as Kaidan realized there were only two of them in the small pocket. Not three. Liara noticed at the same time, her blue eyes growing wide.

"Shepard! Shepard, are you there?" Liara's voice pierced through Kaidan as she tried to raise Shepard on their comm channel. She grew more frantic with every unanswered transmission. She didn't even notice when Kaidan put his hand on her shoulder. "Can you hear me? Shepard, please!"

"Her transmitter was probably damaged." A distant part of Kaidan marveled at the calm in his voice. The transmitters were fairly indestructible; not impossible, but highly unlikely. The hope he offered Liara was a thin lifeline, meant to offer comfort until they could be rescued. He felt like he had been gut punched and struggled to breathe against the overwhelming pain of it. Shepard had injured her knee. Of course she hadn't been able to keep up. Why had he left her behind?

Long after Liara's voice had grown hoarse and she'd given up on trying to get through to Shepard, a bright light pierced the darkness of their makeshift prison with a screech as metal pulled across metal. Hand shielding his eyes, Kaidan looked up at the face of their rescuer. A C-Sec officer, with Captain Anderson on his heels, ducked into the small space.

"You're alright. We've got you." The officer wrapped his arm around Liara and pulled her up.

Kaidan couldn't meet Anderson's eyes when the captain stretched out his hand to help him to his feet. He tried to force the words around the knot in his throat. "Shepard…the Commander…"

"She's going to be just fine, son." Anderson clasped his hand around Kaidan's wrist and pulled him to his feet, ignoring the slack-jawed expression on his face. "She was pretty banged up. Hit her head, but she's coming around."

As Anderson maneuvered him free of the wreckage, Kaidan's eyes fell on the gleam of chestnut hair. Shepard sat on one of the scorched benches, bitching at a medic who was trying to check over her. A laugh bubbled in his chest, cleansing the pain and numbness. Shepard was alive.


	27. Chapter 27

**Author's Note:** As always, your thoughts and feelings on the chapters are greatly appreciated. I look forward to seeing how everyone responds to the next couple of chapters that go off canon and deal with the time gap between ME1 and ME2. Thank you to everyone still reading along, and those that have taken the time to review.

Also, I am currently writing for the MEBB (or should say _trying to write_ ) so my chapters for the next while are going to be further apart while I try to focus on that fic. Once June 17th arrives and I switch into the editing/cleaning up phase, Voiceless Whispers updates should go back to being a little more frequent.

* * *

Shepard pulled short at the sound of muffled conversation when she reached the closed door to the ambassador's office. Less than twenty minutes after Huerta Memorial gave her a clean bill of health and discharged her, Shepard received a summons from Udina to meet him in his office. Compared to a meeting with Udina, a prolonged stay in the hospital might have been preferable.

Saphyria, the asari receptionist for the embassies, was among those who had died during Saren's attack on the Citadel. The desk sat unmanned for the time being so no one had announced Shepard's arrival to the ambassador. She could easily slip away, maybe get a drink at the Embassy Lounge before meeting with Udina. She'd probably need it. Just then, the ambassador's voice rose high enough to clearly be heard through the closed door.

"A hero? She stole an Alliance frigate! Captain Anderson assaulted me! They should both be thrown in the brig!"

Suddenly intensely curious, Shepard pressed her back to the wall and slid alongside it until she was as close to the threshold as she could get without activating the sensor.

"We owe her a great personal debt." The quiet lilt of Councilor Tevos's voice was unmistakable. "We are alive because of her actions."

"That may be so, but there _must_ be consequences. I'm sure Admiral Hackett will agree with me when I meet with him later this afternoon."

Shepard rolled her eyes and bit back a groan. _Fuck._ Maybe if she reminded the man of all the favors she'd done for him during their hunt for Saren, he'd refrain from dishonorably discharging her.

"Ambassador, I would advise against that," Sparatus spoke up. Shepard cocked her head and leaned closer to the door, surprised that the prickly turian councilor was coming to her defense. "Shepard is a Spectre. She was authorized by the Council—by us—to take whatever means necessary to stop Sovereign if she truly believed it was the real threat."

A smug grin tugged at the corner of her face as she recalled the vid conference she'd had with the Council after Virmire. _That sanctimonious, brilliant fucking bastard._ Shepard hadn't actually remembered their words until now. She certainly hadn't considered them when she and Anderson had come up with the plan to hijack the Normandy. She made a mental note to get a recommendation from Garrus for a good bottle of turian alcohol to send to the councilor. Anonymously, of course.

"Ambassador, it is, of course, your prerogative should you wish to bring charges against Commander Shepard," Tevos continued. "After all, the Council has no authority within the Alliance. However, we will be honoring the sacrifices of all who lost their lives to defend the Citadel against Saren and the geth as well as honoring the commander for her unwavering dedication to the safety of the galaxy. Should you wish to pursue judicial punishment, we ask that you prolong it until _after_ the gala."

"You're throwing a party? This is an outrage!" Familiar with the ambassador's 'outrages', Shepard had no problem visualizing the bulge of the vein in his forehead.

"Of course," Valern said. "A gala is the perfect place to announce that in light of humanity's many sacrifices to defend and protect the galaxy, you have proved worthy to serve beside us on the Citadel Council."

"A Council seat?" Shock and awe, mixed with the sour stench of personal ambition clouded the ambassador's voice. He recovered from his shock quickly enough. "On behalf of humanity, and the Alliance, I thank you for this prestigious honor and humbly accept."

Without acknowledging the ambassador's words, Valern continued. "We would like the admirals of your fleets, as well as yourself and Commander Shepard to draft a list of potential candidates to fill humanity's seat on the Council."

Udina sputtered and coughed before his voice regained its usual nasally tone of superiority. "The Commander has no interest in politics. Surely you're aware of that."

"The Commander's irreverent disregard for political subtly aside, her recommendation will carry a great deal of weight in the galactic community after yesterday's events." _Irreverent disregard, my ass._ Maybe just a semi-decent bottle for the turian councilor then.

"Of course, Councilors." Udina's voice carried an air of hesitant resignation, but no doubt the sweet temptation of a human Council seat within his grasp kept him from arguing further.

"We look forward to seeing you—and the Commander—in attendance." Tevos's words were a subtle, yet firm reminder to the ambassador. _Shit._ Amused by the ambassador's sudden about face, Shepard had forgotten about the mention of the gala.

With a disgruntled huff, she pushed herself away from the wall and into the sensor's range. The panels of the door slid apart with a gentle hum, announcing her arrival. "You wanted to see me?"

* * *

"This one thinks that suit is most becoming for the esteemed human."

Color rose on his cheeks with the compliment. Kaidan was just part of Shepard's crew, one cog in the machine that had stopped Saren. Between the hanar's flattery and the gala the Council was throwing to honor them all as heroes, Kaidan couldn't help but feel overwhelmed by his newfound fame.

In an attempt to cover up his discomfort, Kaidan smoothed the lapels of his tuxedo jacket in the mirror. It was certainly more comfortable than the high collar and tight fit jacket of his Alliance blues. Not to mention, the civilian formal wear lacked the painstaking care required to make sure medals and ribbons were aligned just so, his shoes were the perfect sheen, not a single thing out of place that could be criticized by his superiors. Even so, Kaidan would much rather be celebrating their defeat of Sovereign with a cold beer and a hockey game than going to a gala on the Citadel.

Sighing, Kaidan headed back behind the curtain of the small dressing room to change back into his own clothes. He brightened a little at the thought that he would get to see Shepard that evening. After the three of them had been rescued from the debris in the Tower, they'd separately been whisked away to the hospital for further tests and observation. Figuratively tied to a hospital bed, Kaidan had made an easy target for reporters. As if sensing blood in the water, they'd come circling, hoping to get an exclusive report of what had _really_ happened, none more persistent in her attempts to get to him than Khalisah Bint Sinan al-Jilani, a particularly ruthless reporter for Westerlund News. Even after he'd been discharged, she'd hounded him, following him through the station. By the time he managed to shake Ms. al-Jilani and make it back to the hospital to check on Shepard, she had been gone.

"This one would like to remind you that your deposit is forfeit should the tuxedo be returned damaged."

Kaidan passed his credit chit to the hanar shopkeeper and folded the plastic garment bag over his arm. "I don't think that should be a problem."

A few hours later, the rapid transit car deposited him at the Taralos Amphitheater in Kithoi Ward. Diplomats of the galaxy races milled about the large space, all dressed in their finest. Hired help circled the room quietly, carrying trays of champagne and small appetizers. Kaidan pulled a glass from the tray of an unobservant asari as she passed.

"You don't want that one." A taloned hand plucked the glass of champagne from Kaidan.

Kaidan turned his eyes up to the tall turian that had silently crept up on him. A blue tie, almost the same color as his colony markings, was knotted at Garrus's neck. Judging by the way he kept tugging at it, Garrus would have preferred to be anywhere else. The feeling was mutual.

"Hey, Garrus. Good to see a friendly face."

His mandibles twitched as he took a sip of the champagne, quietly observing the crowd. "It seems like such a waste. So many people killed or injured, the wards are an utter disaster, and the Council wants to throw a party?"

"Hadn't you heard? We're heroes." Kaidan managed a deadpan expression. "Speaking of, you haven't seen Shepard, have you?"

"I figured she wasn't here." When Kaidan shot him a confused look, Garrus continued. "I haven't heard any gunshots. And you know the two of them go hand in hand."

The two shared a chuckle and lapsed into silence as they watched the guests mingle. In the haven of the amphitheater's twinkling lights and soft music, it was almost easy to pretend that everything was fine. That they weren't gathered in the amphitheater because Tayseri Ward, as well as the concert hall in it, had been demolished in the attack. That thousands, if not tens of thousands, weren't dead and that Sovereign's attack had been an isolated incident, rather than the beginning of a large scale invasion. Garrus was right. This party was a waste. A way for the Council to pat themselves on the back for a job well done all the while sweeping the continued threat under the rug. _Ash_ _'s pessimism has rubbed off on me._

"Garrus. I was hoping to find you here." A turian Kaidan only vaguely recognized approached them stiffly. His pale colony markings stretched over upper face plates that had settled themselves in a sour expression.

The two shared a brief handshake. "Executor Pallin."

Kaidan excused himself as the executor, in not so many words, apologized to Garrus for his lack of faith in the investigation of Saren. Pallin made sure to mention that Garrus's unconventional approach and sudden leave of absence were still frowned upon but, should he want it, his position in C-Sec was still available. As Kaidan slipped away behind them, he wondered if Garrus would return to the Citadel and resume his old job as an investigator. On multiple occasions, Garrus had made it clear that he disagreed with C-Sec's heavy insistence on sticking strictly to the letter of the law, regardless of the consequences. Shepard had even helped the jaded C-Sec officer track down a criminal who'd escaped because of bureaucratic red tape. However, now that the hunt for Saren had concluded, Kaidan guessed they'd all be in need of new jobs.

He spotted a few other friendly faces among the crowd; Engineer Adams and Dr. Chakwas, Crosby and Emerson, even Liara was there speaking solemnly to an asari matriarch in the corner, but he still hadn't spotted the one person he'd been looking for. Maybe she'd decided not to come. Kaidan had little trouble imagining the way she'd scrunch her nose at the idea of a fancy gala like this.

Making his way to the bar to see if they had any human alcohol, preferably a decent whiskey, Kaidan stopped dead in his tracks. Even without her ever present N7 armor, Kaidan would have recognized her anywhere. A single wisp of her chestnut hair had escaped its graceful knot and curled against the nape of her long neck. He yearned to reach out and twist the softness of it around his fingers. The dress she wore left her back bare, exposing the finely honed muscles of her shoulder blades and the gentle curve of her spine before tapering into a soft v at the swell of her hips. He was struck once more by the beauty of her strength. That she'd embraced it, openly displaying it like a badge of honor among the soft politicians, only made him admire her more.

The elcor she'd been speaking with ambled away and Shepard turned, the train of the dress whispering as it swirled around her feet. The deep blue, almost black, color of the fabric turned her porcelain skin radiant and the way the dress sparkled under the lights, like she'd wrapped herself in the stars, made Kaidan catch his breath.

"You look…wow." Kaidan couldn't begin to find the words to adequately express how beautiful she looked. He raked his hand through his curls with a soft chuckle. "Told you I was out of my element."

The corner of Shepard's mouth pulled up in her trademark, lopsided smirk. Before she could respond, the soft chime of flatware on glass rang out in the room, silencing the myriad of conversations around them. Lights dimmed and a hologram projected the forms of the Citadel councilors larger than life above the guests. The crowd turned as one, pressing together to listen to the Council address the reason they'd all been asked to come. They spoke with heavy gratitude for the contributions made by the Alliance and the many sacrifices humanity made in the war against the geth. _No mention of the Reapers then._ It'd already begun.

With solemn voices, the councilors began to recite the names of those who had given their lives to keep the galaxy safe. At the mention of Gunnery Chief Ashley M. Williams, Shepard's fingers brushed against Kaidan's open palm. As much as he wanted to wrap his arm around her, he couldn't. Not in this crowded space, not where so many eyes watched the hailed Savior of the Citadel with unrestrained awe. Instead, Kaidan kept his eyes on the hologram of the Council and drew no attention to the two of them as he captured her fingers in his. He gave her a quick squeeze, a small reminder that he was still there, before reluctantly letting go of her again.

However, when they announced that humanity had earned a seat on the Citadel Council, Kaidan couldn't help but sneak a glance in her direction. It was unprecedented that a race be granted such quick admission to the ranks of the Council. Even the volus, third species to gain an embassy even before the turians, had not been granted a council seat after over a two-thousand year presence on the Citadel. Shepard seemed unfazed by the announcement. One of Kaidan's brows rose on his forehead as Tevos went on to disclose that the seat had gone to none other than Captain David Anderson. Rather than mirroring his surprise, a tiny smile graced the curve of Shepard's lips.

"Commander, Lieutenant." Admiral Hackett found the both of them at the conclusion of the Council's speech. Despite both being out of uniform and therefore not required, the two of them still snapped a salute at the Fifth Fleet admiral.

"Admiral, I'm happy to see that the Alliance supported Captain Anderson for the Council Seat," Shepard said. _So she_ had _known,_ Kaidan thought.

"I have to say, Commander, it was an inspired choice." Hackett's face fought against a smug grin. "Udina's spitting mad." He sobered and resumed the gruff, no-nonsense facade he usually wore. "You understand why your team isn't getting promoted, Commander. If it were up to me, I'd give the lot of you a damn medal, but the Alliance can't allow a precedent that treason is rewarded, no matter the circumstances."

Shepard nodded. "I understand, sir."

"Glad to hear it. You did a hell of a thing though. All of you." The admiral gave the two of them a farewell salute and disappeared back into the crowd.

* * *

Shepard stared at the retreating admiral's back. "I'm ready to get the fuck out of here." She came, she'd been seen and fawned over. If she disappeared now, no one could accuse her of not fulfilling her obligation to show.

"I'm about to head back to the barracks myself. Are you staying there, or did you splurge on a hotel room?" Kaidan asked.

The Alliance maintained transient barracks for personnel who would only be on the station short term. After the battle with Saren, Shepard and her team had been assigned rooms until they received their next orders. She'd had to push for it, but Shepard had also insisted that the Alliance foot the bill for accommodations for her non-military allies. Without them, their mission would have never been a success and Shepard made sure the Alliance knew it.

"Barracks. All my Spectre pay went to gear," she replied with a wide grin.

The two of them walked quietly through the station. Though the fires had all been extinguished, the scorched corridors of the Citadel were a lingering reminder of the attack. Shepard supposed they could have just taken a rapid transit car back to the barracks but it was nice, for once, not to be rushing and trying to play catch up with Saren.

"You don't have to walk me back, you know. I'm more than capable of taking care of myself." Shepard sneaked a look at Kaidan. The cut of his tux jacket emphasized his broad shoulders and lean waist and she'd noticed more than a few appreciative glances in his direction tonight, from women and men both. Irrational pain had throbbed through her chest at the sight and she'd had to physically work to unclench her jaw lest she crack a tooth.

His eyes twinkled with his smile. "I have no doubts. Maybe I was just hoping to enjoy your company."

Just as they reached the turn off to the Alliance quarters, a scruffy man smelling of booze and stale sweat stepped in front of them. Kaidan's hand dropped to the small of Shepard's back and the two moved to step around the vagrant, but he sidestepped with them.

"Well, look who it is," he slurred. "Freckles all grown up. Savior of the fucking Citadel."

Shepard froze. She hadn't been called Freckles in over ten years. Not since she'd escaped Earth and joined the Alliance.

She squared her shoulders and glared at him. "Who the fuck are you, and why are you in my way?"

"Name's Finch. You probably don't remember me, but I remember you. We ran together in the Tenth Street Reds. Though you've filled out since then." His eyes roved lazily over her body, setting her skin crawling. The power of Kaidan's biotics thrummed against her, but without the telltale blue of his corona Finch didn't seem to notice the danger. "You left, Freckles. Barely believed it when we saw you in the vids."

Shepard narrowed her eyes. "And? What? You thought you'd drop by and say hello?"

"Gunner's been looking for you. Nobody leaves the Reds." Involuntarily, Shepard flinched at the name of the Red's ruthless leader. It was stupid. After everything she'd been through; thresher maws, geth, a fucking reaper, the mere mention of some young punk she used to know shouldn't send a shiver of dread down her spine. Finch continued, a slimy sneer crossing his face. "Of course, I can forget I found you, _if_ you do me a little favor."

Shepard balled her hands into fists and hissed at him from between clenched teeth. "My gang days are over, Finch. Get out of my way."

"I thought you might say that." The gangbanger was mid-whistle when Kaidan's throw sent him tumbling into the far wall.

The crack of a pistol echoed in the deserted corridor as five more thugs appeared from around a corner. Shepard grabbed Kaidan by the jacket and spun, hauling the two of them behind a column for cover as the group continued firing. Six on one—two now, since she had Kaidan with her. They'd never planned on letting her go, favor or not.

Swirls of blue energy sheathed Kaidan's body as he leaned out and locked one of the women in a stasis field. With the realization that Shepard was not only not alone, but also accompanied by a biotic, the others split up, darting in different directions in an attempt to flank the two of them.

"Shit," Kaidan swore. "Would've been much easier if they'd stayed together. Now we'll have to…" He trailed off and gaped at Shepard as she hiked her dress up, exposing the pistol holster secured to her thigh. "Are you really packing heat in that dress?"

She flashed a bright grin at him. "Rule number one, Alenko. Never go anywhere unarmed."

"Got that covered." Like gas flames, dark energy flickered across his irises as Kaidan's face broke into a cocky grin. Shepard's breath caught at the sight, body coiling in remembrance of what that power could do to _her._ A loud crack reverberated as a slug buried itself in the column that was their cover, reminding Shepard that now was _not_ the time.

As one of the assailants crept towards them, Kaidan flung him into a column with another throw. The Red groaned and struggled to rise to his feet before collapsing back to the floor, dazed or possibly even unconscious. Fear flooded through her at the thought of Gunner finding her and Shepard turned her pistol towards the Red; unarmed or not, he was better dead. She felt the familiar hum of Kaidan's biotics at her back, a reminder that she wasn't alone, that she was stronger than that desperate, scared kid she'd left behind on Earth.

Decided, she pivoted and sent a blaze of orange towards a Red that huddled behind cover of a bench. The sabotaged pistol overheated and the woman dropped it with an angry curse. Kaidan lifted a third and Shepard took the opportunity to fire a round into the man's shoulder, enough to wound and disarm him without hitting anything vital. Between the two of them, they made quick work of the group of attackers.

Just as they were dealing with the last Red, the stasis field on the first immobilized woman faded. Eyes wide, she ran, disappearing around the corner the group had come from.

"Where do you think you're going?" The subharmonics of one familiar turian carried through the open space as he hauled the woman back to the scene of the crime. Another turian—a C-Sec officer by the look of his uniform—followed closely behind. Garrus looked over at Kaidan and grinned. "Told you, Kaidan. Shepard and gunfire, can't have one without the other."

"Garrus! What are you doing here?" Shepard relaxed and let her pistol drop to her side as she left the safety of her cover.

"I was talking to Chellick here," he nodded towards the other turian who was in the process of placing omni-cuffs on the thugs, "when he received a call about gunfire over in the Alliance wing. Couldn't be a coincidence, so I tagged along."

"Hey! I'm totally innocent," Shepard protested. "I was minding my own business and they attacked me on my way back to the barracks."

"Shepard is a xenophobe! We can all tell you about her killing aliens for sport!" Finch stared up at Garrus, ignoring as Chellick secured his hands behind his back.

Garrus snorted, a habit he had surely picked up from her. "Commander Shepard just saved the _alien_ Council, at the expense of human lives."

"Ask them!" Finch pleaded, desperation bleeding into his voice as Chellick hauled him to his feet.

"Oh, shut up." Shepard punched him in the nose, relishing the crunch of his cartilage beneath her bare knuckles. He fell back to the ground, unable to break his fall due to the cuffs.

Chellick glowered at her, his mandibles twitching in irritation as he pulled a now bleeding Finch back upright. With a signal from his hand, the C-Sec officer motioned for Shepard to stay put as he and Garrus turned to a second pair of C-Sec officers that had just arrived on the scene. The four conversed quietly—too quietly for Shepard to make out any of their words—before they transferred custody of the prisoners for transport back to the holding cells.

"You okay?" Kaidan appeared at her elbow, his forehead puckered with concern. "Want to talk about it?"

Shepard shook her head. "Just some relics from my past. Not worth wasting the breath."

Her eyes ran over him before settling back on his face, content that his only injury from the fight was a ripped shoulder seam on his jacket. Mussed, his fancy clothes in disarray, and air thick with the smell of ozone from his biotics, Shepard was sure that Kaidan had never looked sexier. Her fingers traced the frayed threads of the seam and she contemplated how upset he might be if she added popped buttons to the list of collateral damage for the evening.

A chuckle rang out as he dropped his gaze to her hand. "Guess I'm not getting my deposit back after all."

"Commander Shepard."

Shepard startled, dropping her hand from Kaidan's shoulder as Chellick appeared next to them. She silently cursed turians seemingly innate ability to move so quietly, despite being huge and covered in thick, heavy plating. He continued, unaware of her irritation with him. "The humans aren't giving us any reliable information, but they're certainly no fans of yours. We can't be sure that this was a one-off attack so we're going to station an officer outside your quarters for the rest of the evening."

"Is that really necessary?" Shepard asked at the same time Kaidan said "Probably a good idea."

Shepard huffed a sigh and rolled her eyes before agreeing. Maybe it was better this way. Not that she needed an armed officer to keep her safe, but it'd be a good safeguard against sneaking Kaidan into her quarters. When she'd invited him to stay in her cabin, it'd been a one time allowance. One night to be Raina, rather than Commander Shepard as they hurtled towards near certain death. Even he'd said as much. So far, the two of them had managed to avoid any awkwardness. She planned to keep it that way, no matter how gorgeous he looked. The two bid each other goodnight before one of the newly arrived C-Sec officers escorted her to her room.

It was going to be a long, lonely night.


	28. Chapter 28

**Author's Note:** Thank you all for sticking with me. My MEBB fic is in a 95% state of completion and I can't wait to share it with you! That said, it's about time for me to get back to the story of the couple closest to my heart. I hope you enjoy this chapter. :)

* * *

The night following the gala, Kaidan's omni-tool pinged as a new message arrived. Shepard expected his presence at Anderson's new office at oh-eight hundred the next morning. The names of the entire Normandy crew in the recipient box didn't stop Kaidan's heart from beating a little faster. It stuttered and then his stomach dropped. Their mission was officially over. Tomorrow morning, he'd be receiving reassignment orders.

He woke early, more than an hour before his alarm was set to wake him. The angry churning of his stomach made falling back asleep impossible. With plenty of time to spare and a desire to distract himself from the upcoming meeting, Kaidan fell into a rigorous workout routine that left him sweaty and laboring for breath. By the time he stepped into the shower, he had only twenty minutes before he needed to head towards the councilors' offices.

A precisely oh-eight hundred, Shepard hopped onto the coffee table to be seen over the gathered crowd. Even in the spacious office, the group had to squeeze together to fit.

The room fell silent as Shepard began. "Thank you for coming. I just want to say that I'm proud of you all. There's no way I could have stopped Sovereign without each and every person on board." She cleared her throat, tugging at a strand of hair that had fallen over her shoulder. Glancing around at her crew, she seemed at a loss for words.

"We won't let you forget, Shepard," Wrex's booming voice lifted over the room from where he was propped in the back corner, sending out a wave of laughter.

"Yeah, yeah. I'm sure you won't." Shepard's eyes rolled with a snort and her unease evaporated. "So, here's the thing. While the councilors prepare for the Reapers, I've been tasked with hunting down any geth resistance. Should be a nice vacation after what we've been through, right?"

Kaidan latched onto the word 'we' as the rest of the room laughed again. He couldn't dare to hope, could he?

Shepard continued, oblivious to Kaidan's held breath. "As a Spectre, I'll retain command over the Normandy and have final say in my team. I've requested all of you. But, since I'm not strictly Alliance anymore, I can't _order_ any of you to stay. You'll have the choice of whether you're on the Normandy or reassigned to an Alliance post. For those of who you aren't Alliance, you're welcome to stay as well.

"Before you make your decision, let me make it clear that anyone continuing with me will _not_ be getting any further shore leave right now. Geth have been spotted on the edges of the Terminus Systems and, in true Council fashion, they want us there yesterday. Take some time to think about it, but I need answers by seventeen hundred. We leave in the morning."

Joker was the first to speak. "You better not even be _thinking_ of letting someone else touch my ship."

"Wouldn't dream of it." Shepard smirked, boots slapping against the white tiled floor as she hopped down from the table.

Before Kaidan could say anything—because _of course_ he was going to accept, o _f course_ he was going to stay on the Normandy—she was lost in the crowd. Kaidan inched towards her as person after person secured their place on the ship then left to make preparations for their departure. A smile even Shepard couldn't hide lit her face as she shook Adams' hand, welcoming him back aboard. As Adams stepped to the side, Helen Lowe stepped forward to take his place.

"I thought for sure you'd be requesting orders." Shepard cocked one hip up onto Anderson's desk. "Don't you want an assignment on Arcturus? I could probably make that happen."

With a wide, white smile Helen shook her head. "The Normandy is where I belong. Besides, the wedding isn't for a couple of months yet. Plenty of military couples make long distance postings work. No reason Dylan and I can't."

Shepard returned the smile and nodded, promising to see the young woman in the morning. Kaidan took Helen's place, flashing his own grin at Shepard. "Count me in too, Commander."

"Kaidan…" She tucked an errant strand of hair behind her ear and her eyes darted around the room before finally locking onto his with a sigh. They were her commander eyes, cold and calculating. Not Raina's warm gaze. He froze, breath caught in his lungs. Though she'd said she couldn't order anyone to stay, she hadn't said anything about ordering them to leave. "You're more than qualified for your own command and I said as much in my debrief with Hackett.

"I…you…" She struggled to find the words before finally settling on, "Your _counsel_ has been integral to this mission, but you shouldn't limit yourself to working under me." Her eyes went wide and dropped to the floor as her face flooded with color. Kaidan pushed back the memory of pale skin rising above him in the dim glow from her terminal.

"Is that an order, Commander?" His voice was huskier than he intended, but the question was still very real.

Her head shook back and forth slowly. "No. I meant it when I said that everyone had a choice. That means you included."

"In that case, I'm staying. We started this together, I plan on seeing it through."

For a split second, so fast that he almost missed it, her eyes warmed and Raina peeked through the mask to smile at him.

* * *

Shepard stepped through the airlock as soon as the decontamination sequence concluded, sighing with relief as her boots stepped onto the ship she'd begun to think of as home. The sliver of guilt still lodged in her stomach for stealing Anderson's ship twisted, reminding her that she was also now responsible for grounding him. It was her recommendation that had put him behind that councilor's desk and, if their situations were reversed, she'd probably hate him for it but he'd been, by far, the best choice. Anderson was a warrior. He'd make sure the Council prepared for the coming war. It was their responsibility now.

"Shepard." A soft voice reached out to her and she looked up to see Liara standing in the cockpit with Joker. "Now that things have calmed down, I was hoping you and I could get a chance to talk."

Shepard bit back a sigh and forced a smile at the asari. She'd thought for sure Liara would have left the Normandy in a rush to get back to Ilos. Before settling on a pleasant response, a hollow metal thud clanged by Joker's feet followed by a sharp ' _Keelah_ '. Shepard's smile morphed into a genuine grin at the sight of Tali's backside poking out of the console in the center of the cockpit. Tali was staying as well, even though Shepard had expected her to head back to the Migrant Fleet. Geth hunting would be the perfect opportunity to gather more intel before she returned; the more, the better, she'd assured Shepard.

"Joker, _what_ did you do?" Tali grumbled as she backed out, ducking to avoid hitting her head again. She stood, clapping one hand to a hip with a blackened OSD held out in the other.

The pilot scratched his hand over his beard and managed to look slightly sheepish. "I was just trying to streamline—"

"You _bosh_ _'tet_." With a disgusted sigh, Tali dropped the OSD into Joker's lap. "Never stick _anything_ in here again. I will personally break your fingers if you do."

"If I had a credit for every time someone told him that…" Shepard snorted.

"Geez, alright! Lighten up already." Joker turned his attention to Shepard. "Commander, you're the last aboard. Ready to hunt some geth?"

"Bet your ass I am."

Much like the incursions they'd faced in the Armstrong Cluster only a short time back, the geth had set up outposts throughout the Pylos Nebula. With five systems and nearly two dozen planets between them, there were plenty of places for the synthetics to establish a foothold. The fighting kept them busy. It was the good kind of busy though; plenty of action without the end-of-the-world pressure.

The Mako touched down on Neidus, their seventh planet in as many days. It was a barren, snowy wasteland with freezing temperatures and not much to see other than the snow. Shepard maneuvered them over the terrain, following the code that Tali and Kaidan had pieced together using the signal from Solcrum. It wasn't a perfect match, but they'd done a damn good job configuring the data to get them an approximation for the drop zone. It never took long before the Mako's scanners picked up the signatures of their synthetic enemies. They hadn't been lucky enough to copy the frequency of the current signal before the geth destroyed it, but maybe seventh time would be the charm.

"Just over that ridge, Commander." Kaidan looked up from the scanner and pointed northeast.

Sure enough, the minute they crested the rise a squad of geth troopers began firing on them in quick Mako's machine gun easily turned the synthetics into a broken mass of sparking debris, but there was still an underground bunker to contend with.

Boots whispered across concrete as the three of them crept through the subterranean structure. Other than the snaking of thick cables and obviously alien hardware of the geth terminals, the bunker was empty. Despite their omni-tools showing no signs of enemies, the three of them did a thorough sweep. Noveria proved that geth could be tightly packed into shipping containers and powered up later. None of them wanted to find an army of geth at their backs.

Whatever the terminals were used for was a mystery; the geth had wiped them clean. Even Tali couldn't scrub any useful data from the machines.

"Alright," Shepard said, securing her helmet back in place, "let's get back to the Normandy."

Bursts of orange flashed against the stark backdrop of snow as the bunker door opened, the quiet hiss of the hydraulics lost to the deafening cracks of gunfire that flooded the valley around them. Reinforcements had arrived in force while they'd been inside. Barely visible behind the line of advancing troops, the Mako was far beyond their reach.

Tali immediately hacked into a nearby synthetic, turning a rocket trooper against its own. As it opened fire on the other geth, the whoosh of a missile from a second trooper swelled in the air. Shepard blanched and shoved her team from the doorway. They dove just far enough to the left, balling together in the snow and covering their heads for a minuscule of protection as the explosion sent chunks of broken concrete sailing over them.

As gunfire erupted in snowy puffs around them, Shepard's skin tingled with the power of dark energy. Kaidan's teeth clenched with effort to keep his barrier expanded to cover the three of them. Taking advantage of the protection he offered, Shepard activated an overload and hurled it at the shields of the nearest geth.

Synthetic platforms stuttered and reeled backward, giving the team the opening they needed to return fire. The remaining defenders fell, one by one until only a few stragglers remained. The crack of Shepard's sniper rifle shattered the bulb of the last geth's flashlight.

"Commander!" Kaidan's voice rang out over the frozen landscape. "Radar's jammed!"

In answer to his warning, the whir of a dropship pierced the air and more platforms plummeted to the ground. A geth prime—double the height of any human—charged towards them, pulse rifle at the ready. While Shepard sabotaged the gun, Tali tried to hack the prime's programming. Its firewalls proved too challenging given the limited time and Tali crumbled under the weight of the prime's assault. Blue fingers of energy curled around the gargantuan platform and hurled it across the valley as Kaidan rushed to Tali's aid. He towered over her limp form in the snow as raw, blue power crackled around him.

Shepard hurried to his side, exchanging her sniper rifle for her pistol and its faster fire rate. Mini-nebulas of orange and blue whorled together in the stark, frigid air as, shoulder-to-shoulder, she and Kaidan launched tech and biotic attacks in dizzying speed.

Silence descended as the last of the geth fell, emphasizing the ragged pull of their breaths over their shared comm link. Kaidan scooped an unconscious Tali into his arms and they hurried to the Mako for extraction before any more reinforcements could arrive.

The Mako secured, Kaidan set off towards the medbay with Tali still cradled in his arms. Shepard trailed behind him, legs pumping to keep up with his long strides. After assuring them the young quarian would be fine, Dr. Chakwas sent the two of them to clean up and change.

" _Keelah_ , I'm embarrassed," Tali's helmet tilted toward the floor when she woke. "I must have hit my head on a rock buried in the snow. Knocked out by rocks. In the middle of a battle. Can it get any worse than that? Well, I guess I could have knocked one of you over. Or both of you. Or shot one of you by accident when I fell. Or—"

"Tali!" Shepard interrupted her.

Tali's head jerked up. "Oh. I'm rambling. You know I do that sometimes."

"It's alright," Shepard chuckled. "I'm just glad you're okay." She rocked a bottle of liquor back and forth with a grin. "I think we've earned ourselves a drink or two."

"I don't believe that's wise, Commander," Dr. Chakwas chided from the rear room of the medbay.

 _Damn that woman_ _'s hearing_. "Guess you'll have to come keep an eye on us then, won't you doc?"

* * *

Kaidan rocked back in his chair, reveling in the pleasant buzz of alcohol. Bottles littered the table in front of him. Despite not receiving official shore leave—a fact his mother had expressed severe disappointment with—Shepard had given them the night off so everyone could kick back and relax a little. It'd been a night of playing cards and shooting the shit, looking to the future instead of dwelling on the past.

He was one of the few left. Most of the crew had stumbled away hours ago. Crosby called it a night fairly early on, grumbling that if he didn't wake up to get their food ready the ship might mutiny, again. Joker was still hanging in, though the way he was drooped over the table said otherwise. After finishing the entire bottle of dextro liquor that Shepard had acquired for her, Tali was singing softly in Quarian, the quiet lilt of her voice pretty despite the meaning of the words being lost in translation. Even Liara was swaying a little in her seat. Apparently, having a natural affinity for biotics didn't boost asari metabolism like it did for humans.

To his immediate left sat Shepard, close enough that their arms brushed with the slightest movement from either of them. It'd been a tight squeeze fitting most of the crew around the table and though it'd ceased being necessary hours ago, Shepard hadn't bothered moving her chair away. Kaidan's eyes traveled her form, from the sight of her bare feet propped on the table—he'd paused at toenails newly painted N7 red—to the soft curve of her lips below closed eyes. She'd changed since Sovereign's defeat. Her skin had more color and the circles under her eyes had all but disappeared. She looked more like the marine who'd won a sparring match against Nihlus and put her foot in her mouth when trying to talk to the crew than the bitter Spectre who'd had the weight of the galaxy on her shoulders these past few months.

A peal of laughter cut through Tali's song. Shepard's feet dropped to the floor and she bent with the force it, gasping as she tried to suck air into her lungs. Liara sat up quickly, eyes flitting from Shepard to the others as if trying to gauge how to react. It only made Shepard laugh harder as tears streamed down her face.

"Oh god!" She gasped out the words and clutched at her ribs. "Manuel was right. That crazy bastard had it right all along."

The face of the middle-aged scientist on Eden Prime that Shepard had knocked out with a single punch floated through the haze of Kaidan's inebriation and, before he could stop it, he was laughing along with her. Liara and Tali looked at each other and then back to the breathless humans.

"Could you, like, dial down the volume?" Joker groaned without picking his head up from the table. "Actually, I think I'm just gonna…" He groaned again as he tried to push himself to his feet. "Liara, could you do me a solid and float me on down to my pod?"

The gentle hum of Liara's biotics vibrated around them as she lifted Joker from his chair. Tali wobbled unsteadily to her feet and helped steer the drunken pilot towards his sleeper, leaving Kaidan and Shepard alone at the table. A nudge at his arm pulled his gaze back to the woman beside him and the bottle of whiskey she'd tilted in his direction. Comfortable silence filled the space between them as they shared that final bottle, content to enjoy the break they'd more than earned.

Shepard spoke first. "So, if we'd gotten shore leave, what would you be doing right now?"

"Right now?" Kaidan glanced at the clock on the wall, but failed to wrap his fuzzy brain around the math enough to convert galactic standard to Earth time. "Maybe not right this very minute, but my mom would definitely be chasing me around the house, telling me to eat more."

"You?" Shepard grinned widely. "Has she never seen you eat?"

Kaidan groaned, remembering past trips home when his mom had insisted on making full course breakfasts, lunches, and dinners every day and stuffing snacks into his pockets if he left the house. When his biotics first manifested, next to nothing was known about human biotics and no one had linked his weight loss to the magically thrown objects of a little kid's temper tantrums. It wasn't until he was a teenager and Conatix had shown up to recruit him to BaAt that the higher caloric requirements were explained. Now every time he went home, it was as though his mother was trying to make up for the skinny kid he'd been.

"Moms always worry. Doesn't matter if you're thirty-two and perfectly capable of feeding yourself."

A shake of her head accompanied the flash of Shepard's white teeth. "Okay. What else? Unless you'd just eat your way through a week of leave?"

"No, that's _not_ all." Kaidan bumped his shoulder into hers with his own grin. "At some point, dad and I would go to a hockey game. I've got a cousin who plays in the minors. And we'd all drive inland, spend a couple days at the orchard."

"The place you spent your summers?"

"Yeah," he smiled, pleased she'd remembered, as he thought of warm days spent playing under the shade of fruit trees and of hiking down to the lake for a swim. "It's been in my dad's family for generations. It's always been the place that feels like home, you know?"

"Not really." Her voice was quiet, her eyes never leaving the bottle that she clutched in her hands. "Even though I grew up on Earth, I've never really had somewhere I considered 'home'."

Kaidan didn't answer. Though she'd never shared details about her life before the Alliance, it was obvious their childhoods had been vastly different. Besides, she'd never want his pity.

She drained the last drops from the bottom of the bottle and discarded it among the rest with a loud clunk.

"Before I joined the Reds, I lived in foster care." She spoke with a flat calmness, like a reporter cataloging the daily news instead of recounting distressing events from her past. "Pretty typical experience probably; group homes with too many kids and not enough time for any of them, foster parents who only took kids in for the stipends they'd receive, caregivers who had little patience for screaming kids and tried to discipline it out of them with their fists. Stuff like that. Kids got moved around a lot. I was barely nine and had been in and out of a dozen homes already. So I ran away.

A sharp, bitter laugh escaped from her lips. "I have no idea what nine year old me was thinking. But I was just another number in the system and I guess they didn't have the resources to dedicate towards finding one more lost kid. Boston wasn't exactly a small city so it was pretty easy to stay invisible."

"Boston, eh? How'd you end up joining the Alliance?"

She answered simply. "I wanted out. Out of the Reds, out of Boston. Off Earth, really. Boston's not too far from the Rhode Island base, so there were recruiters on practically every corner. The only time I've been back since was for ICT training in Rio."

It was hard imagining a life without a home to go back to. Maybe one day she'd let him take her to Vancouver. They could enjoy a drink like this, but with the backdrop of the sun setting over the sparkling English Bay instead of the Normandy's sleeper pods. He wondered what his parents would think of her; no doubt his mother would be happy if he was happy, but retired Alliance Captain Danyil Alenko surely wouldn't approve of the breached chain of command.

Kaidan shook his head. He was getting ahead of himself. "What about you? If the Council hadn't sent you after more geth, what would you be doing on leave?"

"Honestly?" She glanced at him out of the corner of her eye. "Being on the Normandy is probably better than any shore leave I'd have come up with on my own."

The citrusy smell that was uniquely her flooded his nostrils as her head fell to his shoulder, wisps of her loose hair tickling the rough stubble he'd acquired over the course of the day. He didn't say anything, content to let her sit there in silence. He leaned into her, letting his cheek fall to the crown of her hair. She shifted and he was sure she was going to scoot away. Instead, she wriggled in a little closer, a mix between a hum and a sigh barely reaching his ear.

"I'm glad you decided to stay," she finally whispered.


	29. Chapter 29

"Son of a bitch."

The curse reached his ears as soon as Kaidan stepped off the elevator, steam rising from the cup of coffee in his hand.

He'd gone up to the galaxy map expecting to find Shepard there. That's where she'd been every morning for the last two weeks, plotting courses and making adjustments to the schedule with Pressly. Kaidan would arrive with the coffee, receive a smile of thanks from Shepard, and then help coordinate any ground missions.

On a few rare occasions, Shepard accepted her coffee and disappeared into the comm room. She'd grumble and moan about the reports the Council wanted regarding their progress, but she did them, trusting Kaidan and Pressly to plan the day themselves. It was a far step removed from the woman who hadn't wanted anyone near her galaxy map when she'd first taken command.

Today, Shepard had been missing from the CIC. Instead, Pressly sent him to the cargo bay. When the elevator door opened with the whoosh of the hydraulics, Kaidan hadn't needed to look hard for her. Following the string of foul language to the Mako, he found Shepard's boots poking out from beneath the chassis.

Kaidan leaned against the side of the vehicle, a smirk playing over his features as she continued to grumble."You alright down there, Shepard?"

A hollow clanking floated up from below, punctuating each of her words. "That goddamn turian! Left me! For C-Sec! Left _me_. To deal with _this! Shit!_ On. My. _Own_!"

The last geth outpost they'd destroyed had been on a particularly craggy planet. Shepard had taken the terrain in stride, face bright with glee as she guided the Mako up and over the jagged landscape. The woman simply didn't know the meaning of the phrase 'go around'. It was no wonder the suspension sagged now and no small miracle that they'd even made it back to the extraction point in the first place.

Raising his voice to be heard over her continual cursing, Kaidan called down to her, "I brought coffee."

She scooted out from under the Mako in record time, practically hopping up from the floor with a gleam of delight sparkling in her green eyes. Greedy hands pulled the cup from him and her eyes closed with a moan as the first taste of the black coffee hit her tongue.

"Jesus, Rai," Kaidan chuckled. "Did you leave any grease _on_ the Mako?"

She was covered in it. Grease streaks marked her cheeks and a smudge of it lined the ridge of her collarbone. The dark color of her tank top (her BDU blouse was thrown haphazardly on the hood of the vehicle) hid stains that would probably never come clean. Hands nearly black with it left inky splotches around the cup.

In other words, she looked incredibly sexy and he had a hard time keeping his gaze locked on her face.

She took another sip before flicking her eyes up to him with a smug smirk. "Think you can do better, Alenko?"

He shook his head, unable to fight the curve of his lips at her competitiveness. "I don't know if there's enough grease left to prove it, but I can try."

Kaidan unbuttoned the shirt of his uniform, not missing the way Shepard's eyes followed his fingers. He shrugged out of the well-worn fabric and folded it neatly before placing it on the hood next to the rumpled mess of hers. Hesitating, he debated on whether to shed his white undershirt as well.

Despite their night together before Ilos and her quiet admission a few weeks prior regarding his choice to stay, little had changed between them. Little, but at the same time, everything. Some mornings, her hand lingered on the coffee cup he held out to her, their hands sharing the same space for a brief moment before her cheeks flushed a pretty shade of pink and she curled the mug into herself with a muttered thank you. There were times she would come up behind him, in the mess, at his terminal, down at the armory bench, and lightly place her palm between his shoulder blades for a scant few seconds to let him know she was there.

Kaidan couldn't be sure where they stood, or what she wanted. If honest with himself, he was too afraid to ask. He hadn't taken breaking frat regs lightly, but what if she had? There'd been no promises exchanged. She owed him nothing. But each small gesture, no matter how fleeting, filled him with a hope that she wanted something more. So, instead of pushing, he hung back and gave her space to figure out her feelings.

He was in no hurry. Now that the breathless rush to stop Saren was over, they had time to take things slow.

"Well?" She smirked at him again, her words pulling him back to the present. Her eyes gleamed as his hands hovered near the hem of his undershirt.

Truthfully, his feelings for Shepard far surpassed the physical side of things. It felt wrong to try to sway her by parading around the cargo bay shirtless. The shirt stayed. Still, it didn't stop the grin he hid behind a cough when she sighed with, what sounded like, disappointment as he dropped to his knees beside the Mako.

Crawling under the vehicle, Kaidan took stock of its condition, erupting into laughter at the scene before him.

"What?" Shepard snapped. He peered out from under the frame; her frustrated scowl, face covered in grease and arms crossed over her chest only made him laugh harder. "Damn it, Kaidan. It's not funny!"

"It kinda is," he wheezed between laughs.

With a giant huff, she squatted down and balanced on her heels beside his boots. "Okay then, smart guy. Enlighten me."

"You didn't see this giant crack?"

"Where?" Voice full of indignation, she dropped to her back and slithered further under the Mako until the two of them were lying side by side.

He pointed at the left middle wheel's torsion bar. The crack was deep, close to being sheared in half. How she'd missed it, he had no idea. "Right here."

"Okay, it's cracked." She rolled her eyes. "How do we fix it?"

Kaidan's mouth dropped slightly as he choked on more laughter. "Shepard, you can't just 'fix' a cracked torsion bar."

"My omni-gel says otherwise." She pressed her lips in a thin, stubborn line as though she could will it into submission.

Kaidan snorted. "I think the Alliance cut corners with your tech education."

"Hey!" Her nose wrinkled, eyebrows knitting together with her protest, but the tug at the corners of her mouth gave her away. "You know damn well that transport maintenance is _not_ covered by standard tech training."

He did know that. But he also knew that she was phenomenal at hacking into terminals and getting into locked doors. She could defuse a bomb without sweating, yet was absolutely clueless about mechanics, even the absolute basics.

"Well, lesson one then. When it comes to repairs, omni-gel is a lot like medi-gel. Good for in-the-field fixes, _not_ a permanent solution."

"If we can't fix it, what are you doing?" Shepard asked as he moved away from her, doing his best to wriggle towards the front of the vehicle without banging his head.

"Considering how you drive, I figured it'd be a good idea to check the other bars while we're down here." Kaidan kept a straight face, despite the indignant huffs coming from behind him, huffs probably punctuated with a raised middle finger or two. "Then we'll know how many to order. Though it couldn't hurt to double it so we have some extra laying around."

Once all six torsion bars had been inspected, Kaidan and Shepard crawled out from under the Mako. Other than his greasy hands, Kaidan was pleased to see he'd remained fairly clean. His mouth split into a wide smile and he held his palms out in triumph as Shepard hopped to her feet.

"See? Not so hard!"

"Oh?" Her eyes glinted and one corner of her mouth turned up with mischief. "You missed a spot."

Faster than he could react, she reached forward and swiped one of her greasy hands across his face. His fingers closed around her wrist, but her other palm slapped into the center of his chest, leaving a solid, black handprint on the pristine fabric. He reached for her, trying to get hold of her free hand without losing the first, but she danced nimbly out of reach. Back and forth they went, Shepard smearing grease on his arm, shoulder, and more on his face all while his reflexes were too slow to catch her.

As she wiped yet another smudge along his jawline with a gleeful grin, Kaidan stepped towards her rather than trying to stay out of her reach. The offensive movement forced her retreat, backing her against the Mako. Thrown off balance by the sudden power shift, Shepard was left with no room to maneuver allowing Kaidan to capture her remaining wrist. She struggled against him, the two of them laughing as she tried to break his hold. With another step closer, Kaidan pressed her wrists above her head, pinning her against the Mako and hoping that she'd admit defeat. It was his only chance to escape without being completely covered in the black goop.

Shepard's laughter died in her throat, replaced by a sharp inhale. Green eyes darkened as she stared up at him from under thick lashes. Already breathless from laughing as he'd held her off, Kaidan's chest now rose and fell with short, shallow gasps that had nothing to do with physical exertion. His heart hammered against his ribcage. _What would she do if I kissed her_? Pulled by invisible forces, he moved forward until the space between them shrank to a pinprick. Finally still beneath him, Shepard caught her bottom lip between her teeth, challenge blazing in her eyes as she watched him.

" _What_ are you _doing_?" Tali's unmistakable trill sounded from behind him.

Spell broken, Kaidan released Shepard's hands and stepped back in haste, almost tripping on his feet in the process. A glance over his shoulder revealed Tali with one hand on her hip watching the two of them.

"We were, uh," Kaidan coughed as heat raced up his face, "fixing the Mako?"

Tali's head shook back and forth. "No wonder Garrus did this. It'll never get fixed like _that_." A note of amusement rang through her words.

"We can't fix it anyway." Shepard crossed her arms over her chest with a sniff of defiance. "We have to order parts."

Tali laughed. Then laughed some more. After she managed to compose herself, she crossed the room and slipped behind the Mako. Rummaging sounds filled the room and, a few minutes later, she reappeared dragging a footlocker sized shipping container behind her. She let it drop to the floor with a solid clunk and bent to pry off the lid.

"What?" Tali looked up from her crouched position as she pulled torsion bars and shock absorbers from the bin, clearly confused by both his and Shepard's slack-jawed expressions. "You didn't think Garrus just sat down here and tightened bolts for hours, did you?"

"I…" Shepard stammered, eyebrows scrunching together to create crease lines above her nose.

"Oh, _Keelah!_ You did!" Tali laughed again, her hands going to her sides as she caught her breath. "Shepard, Garrus had Dubyansky requisition extra parts for the Mako the first time we went back to the Citadel. And they've had spare parts waiting at every port we've docked at since."

Shepard's eyes went wide. Kaidan pressed his lips together to stifle his laughter, but it forced its way out. Her cheeks pinked and she huffed, turning her back on them though Kaidan didn't miss the slight tremor of her shoulders as she tried to hold back her own laughter.

Tali made a shooing motion with her hands. "Both of you get out of here and let me fix this. If you want to drive it again, I mean."

"Sure you don't need any help?" Kaidan asked.

Still shaking her head, Tali crawled under the Mako to do her own damage assessment and Kaidan knew that he and Shepard had been effectively dismissed. They left Tali to her repairs and said nothing as they waited for the slow descent of the elevator's arrival. The ride back up to the mess deck was equally slow, though long enough for Kaidan to agonize over whether he should pick up where they had left off down below before Tali's interruption.

No sooner had he decided that yes, he _would_ dare to kiss his commander in the elevator did Joker interrupt. Kaidan was _really_ going to have to talk to him about his terrible timing.

"Commander, I've got an incoming transmission from our favorite admiral. Want me to patch him through?"

"Yeah, you might as well," Shepard shrugged, even though Joker wouldn't see. "We probably owe him one since we're not all sitting in Alliance prison cells. I'll be up in the comm room in about two minutes."

The door lowered with a hiss and Shepard moved towards the stairs without a backwards glance. A sigh fresh on his lips as he watched her go, Kaidan raked his fingers through his hair before remembering the grease. The viscous substance slicked through his statically charged curls and he hissed a rare curse under his breath. What had started out as a good day had quickly spiraled into frustration. At least now he had time for a shower, preferably a cold one.

Kaidan didn't see Shepard again, despite the small size of the ship. She hadn't arrived for dinner, though he saw Crosby prepare a tray to be delivered upstairs. Whatever Hackett wanted must have been keeping her busy. Resigned to seeing her the next day, he made way toward his sleeper pod. He pulled short, pleasantly surprised by the sight of her pacing in front of his terminal, eyes cast to the floor as she chewed at the cuticle of one thumb.

"Shepard?"

Hand frozen in front of her mouth, her eyes jerked to his as if startled by his presence. "Kaidan!"

"Do I need to go suit up?"

She frowned, puzzled by his question. "Oh." Understanding sparked in her eyes and she waved her hand with a dismissive gesture. "No, it's under control. We're heading to the Omega Nebula. Three Alliance ships have gone missing around there and Hackett thinks it might be the geth. So we're going to head over and check it out, but we won't be there until tomorrow."

Kaidan waited. She still hadn't explained why she'd been pacing at his terminal. Her eyes dropped back to the floor as she twisted her hands together. The gesture struck him as…nervous, a foreign emotion on her face. Angry, desperate, resigned. Amused, curious, even happy. Those were all emotions he'd seen before. But nervous?

"Rai," he reached for her, his gentle grasp below her shoulder meant to calm her. "What is it?"

Nervousness gave way to determination and the muscles beneath his hand shifted as she squared her shoulders. Balancing on the balls of her feet, she rose high enough to rest her forehead against his. When she met his gaze, he counted gold in a sea of green before her lashes fluttered shut. Supple, warm lips kissed him and her hand cupped his jaw as the world around them fell away. Tender and soft, this kiss was nothing like their first and over far too soon.

"Goodnight, Kaidan." Her words were a whisper and the scent of her lingered as she disappeared around the corner, leaving him dumbfounded in the center of the mess deck.


	30. Chapter 30

**Author's Note:** Thank you everyone for your patience. I know my updates have been pretty few and far between lately, but life seems intent on getting in the way of my writing. I've been holding Chapter 30 hostage, hoping to work on refilling my buffer chapters between posted and in-progress, but decided I'd kept you waiting long enough for this fateful chapter. Please remember that, whatever happens, Bioware is to blame. Not me. ;)

That said, I still look forward to reading your responses to this particular point of view that is ( _the start of_ ) the aftermath of Alchera.

* * *

Kaidan woke with a smile and stretched, groaning as his hands bumped into the narrow confines of his sleeper pod. Rather than regret the late nights, Kaidan welcomed the exhaustion that clung to his bones, thankful for the reminder that the past four days hadn't been a dream.

Long days, made longer by armor worn in case of an attack, were spent combing through the Omega Nebula for the missing Alliance ships. Yet when lights out came he and Shepard would sneak to a dark corner of the ship to stay up and talk, often well into the next morning, rather than part ways for their respective quarters.

Last night, they'd spent twenty minutes outside Raina's door. Kaidan recalled the curves of her body molded against his as he'd kissed her, her skin warm beneath his hands as their tongues twined together in a sensuous dance. Footsteps stilled them and she'd buried her face in his neck to keep from laughing as Dr. Chakwas ambled past with a yawn. One look up from the doc and they'd have been caught dead to rights. When the coast was clear, Kaidan feathered one last kiss across her lips and unwound her hands from his neck, ignoring the screaming protests of his body. The disappointment on her face when he'd turned away had almost been enough to coax him through the door and into her bed. Almost.

As much as he wanted her, Kaidan needed to do this right. He wanted to enjoy the feel of her beneath him (or above, he wasn't picky) without the threat of death or the necessity of discretion. No rushing, no need to sneak out in the middle of the night like a teenager avoiding parents. Both their careers would come under scrutiny, hers more than his, should anyone get wind of their…he still didn't know what to call it. Affair sounded cheap. And despite their long talks, they'd never broached the subject of what they were to each other, so defining whatever it was as a relationship would be presumptuous on his part.

All he knew was that he wanted to take her out, to a romantic dinner maybe. Pull out her chair for her, tell her how beautiful she looked, interlace his fingers with hers as they walked side by side. With the Normandy in need of a restock and refuel soon, maybe they would have a chance then.

"You up yet, asshole?" A dull thump against the side of Kaidan's pod accompanied Joker's voice.

"I'm up," he called back, rolling his eyes.

With a press of the release switch, the darkened privacy panel turned translucent allowing him a second to adjust his eyes before the panel slid open with a pneumatic hiss. Cool air brushed against his bare arms as Kaidan stepped down onto the deck.

"C'mon Kaidan. Even _I_ can move faster than that and I'm a cripple," Joker grumbled while Kaidan rubbed sleep from his eyes and shuffled toward his personal locker.

"You know, Joker, you _can_ get food without me."

"I could, but it's just not the same without your delightful company."

Kaidan rummaged through the contents of his locker, sighing when his search produced no clean undershirts. The pile of laundry he'd neglected in favor of time with Raina mocked him silently.

He cast a glance over his shoulder. "You just want me to carry your tray."

Joker shrugged. "Well, yeah. And Crosby always puts more sausage on the plate when you're the one getting it." The pilot snorted with flippant glee as Kaidan pulled the grease stained shirt from the other day over his head. Despite the stains, it was the cleanest smelling one in the pile. "Dude. I never imagined Kaidan 'Alliance Poster-Boy' Alenko to be anything other than squeaky clean under all that armor."

"You spend a lot of time imagining me out of my armor, Joker?" Kaidan kept a straight face as he fit the ceramic plates over his undersuit. A bright shade of red crept past Joker's unkempt beard as he stammered out a response. Kaidan clicked the last plate into place and took hold of Joker's arm. "C'mon. Let's go get your sausages."

Joker's lip curled as the two walked to the mess. "They're tainted now, thanks for that. I'll just stick to eggs."

They parted ways after breakfast; Joker headed to the cockpit while Kaidan took up residence at one of the terminals in the CIC. Using the last known coordinates from the missing ships, he and some techs scanned the sector for any trace of the Alliance vessels but, hours later, they were still empty-handed.

With no warning, the Normandy shuddered and rocked, punctuated by a loud crack. The violent motion tumbled Kaidan from his chair, wedging him in the trench between the terminals. Alarms rang, the shrill pitch piercing through his skull, answered by the crew's screams as explosions ignited up and down the bridge. Kaidan forced himself to his feet and ran to the cockpit. Pressly and one of the ensigns lay motionless on the floor.

"Joker!"

The pilot ignored him, his hands flying over the controls as he tried to regain control over his beloved ship. Without sparing a glance over his shoulder, he shouted orders. "Somebody get that fire out!"

"We need—" Kaidan stumbled and grasped the back of Joker's chair as another attack pounded into the hull.

"Let me worry about the ship, Alenko!"

Though he wanted to stay and argue, he didn't have the luxury; there were protocols to follow when a ship was under attack. Everyone had a job to do.

Kaidan rushed to the stairwell, taking the steps three at a time as he scrambled toward the lower deck. Red emergency lights pulsed in time with the alarms as orange flames licked up the walls, casting an angry, hellish glow through the mess deck. Collapsed wall panels exposed wiring that cracked and popped in intermittent bursts of white-hot sparks.

Bodies dotted the floor. Kaidan rushed past, not allowing himself to focus on their faces. There would be time later but, right now, he needed to get to the distress beacon and signal the Alliance for rescue. He surged deeper into the destruction, slowed by the crew's frantic attempts to reach the escape pods.

"Have you seen the Commander?" Kaidan grabbed Crosby's shoulder, halting the man's mad dash towards safety. Face frozen in fear, the mess sergeant signaled behind him with a thumb and wrenched himself from Kaidan's grasp, desperate to outrun the danger.

Atop the small platform, just beyond the sleeper pods, a black silhouette appeared out of the smoke and flames. He should have known she would already be here. Kaidan charged up the steps to join her, pausing to grab his helmet from the top of the lockers. Taking only a brief moment to glance over her shoulder, Shepard pulled her helmet into place, a preemptive measure for failing life support. She moved with a calm professionalism that belied their current circumstances and Kaidan mirrored her movements, not quite quelling the rising tide of panic in his chest.

Her fingers tapped out a series of keystrokes on the emergency terminal. "Distress beacon is ready for launch."

"Will the Alliance get here in time?" Given the state of the ship, their only hope of survival depended on launching the beacon and escaping in the pods to wait until an Alliance ship made it to this sector to pick them up.

Before she could answer, the ship rocked again and he stumbled forward, missing a fiery blast on his right by a narrow margin. Shepard caught him, her hands a steadying force in the midst of chaos. The visor of his helmet clinked against hers, the sound barely perceptible above the klaxon and roar of the flames. The thick barriers of their helmets prevented the one thing he wanted: his lips pressed to hers, reassurance they were both okay.

Light flickered as the screen behind her gave way to static.

"Shit." His swear caught her attention and she released him, turning back to the control board. They _needed_ to get that beacon launched.

Shepard stepped to her right as Kaidan stepped to his, the two of them moving together fluidly, perfect synchronization born through months of side by side combat. When Shepard wrenched open a metal panel and tossed him a fire extinguisher, Kaidan's hands were waiting for it. While he kept the fire at bay, she repaired the wiring in the control box until the screen blinked back to life.

"I've got this," she called to him. "Get everyone onto the escape shuttles."

"Joker's still in the cockpit. He won't abandon ship. I'm not leaving either." Voice firm, he flicked a resolute glare over his shoulder at his stubborn CO. If she stayed, he stayed. Simple as that.

Tight as a vice, her hand grasped his shoulder and jerked him around to face her. Anger flashed in her eyes. "Damn it! I _need_ you to get the crew onto those shuttles. I'll haul Joker's crippled ass out of here."

"Shepard…" Why did she have to be so unyielding at times? Hadn't she learned by now that he'd face anything with her, that she didn't have to do it alone?

"I gave you an order, Lieutenant." Every layer of the woman he'd spent holding last night disappeared beneath the cold voice of the Commander pulling rank.

Kaidan swallowed, hating the piece of himself that had forced her hand. Now wasn't the time to start disobeying her orders. "Aye, aye."

With only the slightest hesitation on his part, Kaidan turned and ran back toward the pods. He paused at the porthole to usher in a few remaining stragglers and then followed. Settled in the seat, Kaidan lowered the rigid safety restraint over his shoulders and pounded his fist against the ejection control. The hatch closed, sealing them in the small, cylindrical tube before rocketing them in a perpendicular trajectory away from the dying ship.

Dim orange light highlighted the stricken faces of his fellow crew as Kaidan tried to sync his omni-tool with the Normandy's system. The link was spotty, only transmitting every few words. "Mayday, m— —ay, T— —SSV N— —dy. —uffered heav— — age — — nemy." When the line cut out to pure static, Kaidan tried to breath against the weight on his chest, reassuring himself that it was surely because they'd made it to their own escape pod. It wasn't because Joker was gone. _It wasn_ _'t._

"There's nothing you can do, Lieutenant." Dr. Chakwas placed gentle fingers on his shoulder, trying to draw his attention from his wrist.

Kaidan met the doc's seafoam green eyes for only a minute before he turned back to the empty screen of his 'tool. It yielded nothing new, no matter how much he tried. All he needed to know was that Shepard made it to the last pod.

A tiny smile tugged at the corners of his mouth. Definitely not a damsel-in-distress, Shepard would loathe being stuck with nothing to do but wait. Her fingers would drum an impatient rhythm against the bars of her safety harness while her jaw clenched tighter with ever-growing frustration. With the realization that Joker was trapped in the same pod, Kaidan had to press his lips together to keep from laughing.

Eventually, Kaidan gave up checking his omni-tool and joined the silence of the others as they floated in the vacuum of space. Isolated from the other pods, they couldn't know who had made it and who hadn't. There was nothing to do but wait for rescue and pray that it came before the small pod's life support ran out. There was nothing to say.

He must have nodded off because the screech of scraping metal jerked him awake as everyone clutched their hands to their ears, warding against the harsh sound. Jostling them against their restraints, the pod rocked and came to a grinding halt.

"Anyone alive in there?" A muted voice called to them. "This is the SSV Yorkton."

Whispers of thanks and relief filled the small space as the hatch hissed open. Legs wobbly from sitting so long, Kaidan rose to his feet and helped the rest of the crew through the porthole.

Once everyone was through, Kaidan climbed out onto the deck of the unfamiliar ship. Five pods crowded the cargo bay of the Yorkton and, despite being larger than that of the Normandy, it was still a miracle that they'd managed to squeeze them all in. Ports hissed open and grief stricken crew emerged, some bewildered and slow while others searched in desperate panic among the faces of the survivors. Medical personnel rushed amid the chaos, providing support to the wounded. Dr. Chakwas immediately hurried to lend a capable hand.

A flash of purple caught Kaidan's attention and, instead of pitching in, he rushed across the room. Adams carefully stepped over the lip of the hatch with Tali cradled close to his chest.

Kaidan ground to a stop next to them, his eyes flicking back and forth between the engineer and quarian. "Is she okay?"

"I'm fine," Tali insisted, pushing away from Adams' chest until he released her legs and set her on the floor with a reluctant frown.

Adams took a firm grip of her shoulder. "A tear in your suit could kill you. Let's go." Like a concerned father, he steered her toward Dr. Chakwas.

When they had gone, Kaidan's eyes scanned over the crowd looking for a flash of auburn hair. Among the sea of blue BDUs, her dark armor would be easy to spot. Another hiss rose in the air and he spun as the hatch of the last pod opened. Anxious to see her with his own eyes, Kaidan pushed through the crowd.

Few people blocked his progress and it didn't take long to near the front line of spectators. He was tall; tall enough to _not_ see anyone climbing through the porthole. Shoving his way ahead of the crowd, Kaidan froze in front of the open hatch.

Joker sat alone inside.

Heart turning to ice, Kaidan dove through. Shepard said she would get Joker out. Joker was out. The helmsman looked to be in bad shape, his shoulder twisting at an unnatural angle, but he was here. Shepard _had_ to be in here, somewhere. Except…there was no place for someone to hide in the tiny pod. It was just a cylinder with seats on either side of a narrow aisle.

She wasn't here.

The world spun and Kaidan's legs gave out beneath him. A resounding thud echoed in the small space as his knees slammed to the metal floor. His chest constricted and suddenly he couldn't breathe, sucking desperately for air to try to fill his empty lungs. Dark energy flared to life, the power of his biotics thrumming beneath him in response to a threat he couldn't begin to comprehend.

Voices called to him, the sound of his name distant and murky over the hammering of his heartbeat. Wrapped in thick tendrils of blue, helpless and wide-eyed, Joker's body pressed against the ceiling of the pod. Kaidan choked in horror, grasping desperately for control, but his shame was no match for his grief. No matter how hard he tried, he was unable to rein in the surge of energy. Instead it grew, reaching out and expanding like the shockwave of an explosion threatening to consume anything in its path.

Something grasped him and he swung at his attacker, trying to dislodge them. Hands pinned his arms to his sides and his biotics spiked even higher, followed by the prick of a needle at his neck.

"Lieutenant," Doctor Chakwas's voice floated to him, "breathe. I've got you. Just breathe."

He focused on her words and sucked in a breath. Then another.

"That's it, Kaidan. You're okay," she said. The words meant to soothe him felt wrong. How _could_ he be okay?

The fight went out of him as the sedative started to take hold. Legs folding beneath him, Kaidan sank to the floor of the pod. _The pod Shepard wasn_ _'t in_. His heart started to race again but, compared to earlier, it was only a blip that couldn't compete with the sedative. Now he just felt numb. He closed his eyes to shut everything out; he didn't want to see the heap Joker had landed in when Kaidan's biotics flickered out, or Chakwas leaning over him with her eyes full of concern, and especially didn't want to see the empty space where Raina should have been.

Someone brushed past him, followed by Dr. Chakwas speaking in quiet tones to Joker. When the pilot didn't respond, Kaidan forced his eyes open. Joker's head hung to his chest. From his position on the floor, Kaidan could see his friend's lips pressed tightly together. Joker winced as Chakwas examined his arm, but gone were his quips and bravado.

"Mr. Moreau, what happened to the Commander?" Dr. Chakwas finally asked.

Joker still didn't look up. Instead, he buried his face in the hand of his good arm, his words muffled by his fingers. "Didn't make it."

"Tell me what happened."

Kaidan looked up at the new voice. Liara stood in the porthole, faint blue flickering around closed fists that hung at her sides, her eyes narrowed to slits as she stared down the pilot. The odd sense of deja vu struck him, though he couldn't place it. It wouldn't be until much later that he'd realize how much Liara had looked like Matriarch Benezia in that moment.

For now, Kaidan shoved himself to his feet and pushed past her, not wanting to find out what had gone so horribly wrong. If he didn't hear it, maybe he'd be able to convince himself it was all a nightmare. With the sedative slowing him down, he couldn't move fast enough.

"They—whoever it was—came around for a second attack." Joker's voice was broken, scraping over the shattered remnants of their world. "The blast knocked her back before she could get in the pod. She was…she was spaced."

Hope swelled in Kaidan's chest and he froze.

If she'd been spaced, that meant she still had time. Their suits were capable of producing oxygen via solid oxide electrolysis, at least for a short time before the cells needed to be swapped or recharged. Activating his omni-tool, Kaidan pulled the time-stamp of Joker's last, splintered transmission from the Normandy. It'd been ten hours since the pods had launched. Under normal conditions, the cells produced oxygen for approximately three days, less in times of physical exertion or stress because the cell had to work harder, depleting at a faster rate. Even given the circumstances, Kaidan estimated they still had almost two days before that happened.

All they had to do was find her.

Amidst the chaos and his nauseating discovery of Shepard's uncertain fate, Kaidan hadn't noticed the familiar figure bustling through the cargo bay. Humanity's new councilor had arrived on the Yorkton after the first pod was retrieved from space. It would have taken a massive amount of credits, and a source that relayed the Normandy's emergency transmission almost immediately, for Anderson to have made it to this sector so quickly. But here he was, sleeves metaphorically rolled up to do what he could for the crew he'd once handpicked. It hadn't taken long for him to organize a search and rescue mission once aboard. The cargo bay bustled with activity as shuttles were prepped and readied to comb the system for the wreckage of the Normandy and to search for Shepard.

Kaidan needed to be on one of those shuttles.

"No, Lieutenant." Anderson shook his head, denying yet another of Kaidan's requests to join the search efforts. "We need people sharp and focused for this."

"You think I'd be anything but?" Kaidan snapped.

Discreet enough to not mention the meltdown he'd surely witnessed, Anderson clapped his hand to Kaidan's shoulder and steered him toward the remnants of the rest of the Normandy's surviving crew. Those who were left sat huddled in a corner of the cargo bay. A few heads tilted in their direction as they came to a stop and Anderson gestured for Kaidan to take a seat. Instead, Kaidan propped himself against one of the metal supports and crossed his arms across his chest. Anderson watched him with a worried frown but, rather than fight the issue, he settled into parade rest, clasping his hands behind his back and squaring his shoulders as he looked over his old crew.

"You've all been through hell today. I won't lie and pretend it gets easier after this." He sighed, his shoulders slouching just a little before he straightened again. "You won't be alone though. The ship I arrived on will take you back to Arcturus Station for debriefing and any medical treatment you need beyond what the Yorkton has been able to provide."

Kaidan bristled and opened his mouth to argue but, of all people, Tali beat him to it.

"You _bosh_ _'tet_!" Tali shoved herself to her feet, fast enough that her chair tilted and slammed to the floor behind her. "We're not going anywhere! Not until we find Shepard."

Anderson's eyes widened. Before he could reply, other members of the crew chimed in, each talking over the last until their voices combined into a jumbled shout of refusal.

"Enough!" Anderson shouted over them all. The room fell quiet. Anderson sucked in a deep breath through his nose, jaw clenched as he steadied himself.

"We're not abandoning our commander." Joker's voice, quiet but firm, rose amidst the silence. "It's _my_ fault she's out there." His green eyes followed the row of people, finally coming to a stop on Kaidan. "I'm sorry." His voice was almost a whisper as he spoke. Even as his mouth was forming the last syllable, he'd already turned his gaze back to Anderson.

Kaidan opened his mouth to reply and slammed it shut again. Joker hadn't looked at him for more than a split second, definitely not long enough to be interpreted as a direct apology to Kaidan. And even if it was—even if Joker suspected an illicit relationship—how could Kaidan explain that he didn't blame him?

"I know you all want to stay. But you're needed back on Arcturus. We need reports, logs, anything that might help us catch the bastards that did this." The voices started to rise in protest yet again but Anderson silenced them with a swift "It's not up for negotiation."

Discussion closed, Anderson made his way to where the shuttle pilots had gathered to finalize the details of the op.

After his loss of control earlier, the crew of the Yorkton skirted around Kaidan, giving him a wide berth and cautious looks as they repaired the disaster his biotics had wrought. Behavior Kaidan had thought he was long used to stung again after the past months of serving on the Normandy. Shepard was responsible for that. Because of her, the Normandy had been the first place he'd truly embraced his biotics and felt they were appreciated rather than feared.

He shoved their revulsion aside. These people weren't the ones that mattered. Instead, Kaidan watched, waiting for an opportunity to sneak aboard one of the shuttles. No doubt aware that at least _someone_ might try such a stunt, Anderson kept an eye on the Normandy's crew while the Yorkton teams prepared for departure. One by one, the pilots guided their shuttles through the mass effect barrier and disappeared into space until only one remained.

Anderson gestured for the Normandy crew to follow him, intent on escorting each and every one of them to their ride home. Kaidan grit his teeth as his chances of stowing away shrank to zero. His absence would not go unnoticed if he attempted to sneak aboard the final shuttle now. The real insult though was being forced to to leave while _Anderson_ actively participated in Shepard's rescue.

Kaidan missed Garrus; he was sure the turian would have been up for stealing a shuttle to find Shepard, even if it meant stealing it out from under Anderson's nose.

Traveling through space so soon again after the attack left many of the crew shaking, some even needed to be sedated for the trip. Luckily, it would only take a few hours to reach the mass relay in Sahrabarik and, once they'd made it to the Arcturus Prime relay, would only take a few more hours to reach Alliance headquarters.

Still, the trip back was long…too long. With nothing to do but wait for docking, there was too much time to think.

An inky black spot in a dark void, Shepard would have no way to know that the Alliance was looking for her. She wouldn't know help was on the way or if anyone else had made it to safety. Stuck in space, she would only be able to watch as the oxygen cell depleted, a visual reminder that she would slowly suffocate. Would she lose hope and release the seals on her suit to make the end quick? _Please, don_ _'t give up_ , Kaidan pleaded, hoping that, somehow, she'd hear him.

 _She_ _'s still out there._ He repeated the words to himself over and over.

She was Commander Shepard, hero of the Citadel. He'd thought he'd lost her then too. Though she'd been battered and bruised, she had survived. She'd come back this time too. _Shepard_ _'s a hero_. _This isn_ _'t how heroes di—_. He choked before he could finish the thought.

Kaidan squeezed his eyes shut and curled into himself, ignoring the ache the hard bench of the cruiser sent through his weary body. Hoping to coax sleep into finding him, Kaidan welcomed the exhaustion of the past twelve hours, praying that when he woke the nightmare would be over and Shepard would be on her way to join them at Arcturus.


	31. Chapter 31

**Author's Note:** I know it has been a very long time since I posted anything and I won't offer excuses. Just now that I am back and ready to continue this journey! Thank you to all of you for your patience and encouragement, whether by PM or comment or anything else and an extra special thanks to my beta, my ear, and my incorrigible motivator, canardroublard.

* * *

Dark and imposing, the thick double doors waited with infinite patience, indifferent to the pain that coursed through Kaidan's chest. Never before had anywhere on Arcturus Station felt so ominous. Since joining, the headquarters for the Alliance Navy had been a place of comfort and familiarity. Now, whispers of what might have been floated down every corridor, always just out of reach.

The Normandy, most of the crew, Shepard…they were all gone. And somehow _Kaidan_ was the one left standing. The unfairness of it all clung to him, a stale odor of fear and self-loathing that contradicted the face of acceptable, _professional_ grief he wore in public.

Frozen in the middle of the deserted hallway, Kaidan tried to will himself to take the last few steps and confront the finality of what lay beyond those doors. He'd battled Saren and the Thorian and dozens of other horrors that most would balk at, but this, he couldn't. This door, in this hallway, on this station was the one thing he wasn't brave enough to face.

As he backed away, he kept his eye on the door as if _she_ would come through with her finger pointed, an accusatory snarl on her face because he'd deserted her, had abandoned her when she needed him the most and now he was doing it all over again. _You_ _'re the one that told me to leave,_ ordered _me to leave,_ he argued silently with the emptiness she'd left behind. She had no right to blame him, not when she'd been the one to force his hand.

Kaidan rocked back on one heel, ready to turn and disappear somewhere in the station, but paused when the pneumatic hiss of the opening doors caught him off guard. Face sullen and eyes narrowed, Shepard stared at him from the life sized service photo displayed in the center of the room. There were other photos there, pictures of his other crewmates that flickered at the edge of his periphery, but Kaidan couldn't pull his eyes away from Shepard. Anger and grief, helplessness and even a small tinge of happiness to see her again churned and warred with each other.

Anger won.

It boiled and surged within him, racing through his veins as he stared at the men who had asked so much from her and given so little in return. Anderson and a few other Alliance officials, including Admiral Hackett himself, stood to the side of the room, conversing in low tones. There was little Kaidan could do and even less that he could say to his direct superiors but that didn't stop him from squaring his shoulders and marching through the doors. He'd be damned if he let them be the ones to say goodbye.

"Commander." Anderson nodded as Kaidan approached.

Only the anger kept him from flinching at the sound of his new rank. The promotion had come a week earlier along with the news that the Alliance had called off the search for Shepard, as if the former was some kind of consolation for the latter. He'd tried turning it down only to be confronted with a copy of a letter recommending him for his own command, complete with Shepard's signature. He'd known of her recommendation—she'd told him so herself—but he'd never considered that she'd submitted it in writing, not after it was decided he would stay on the Normandy. The pride he felt had collided with the hurt that perhaps she'd wanted him transferred after all and his silence was assumed to be acquiescence.

Keeping his eyes forward, Kaidan slowed when he reached the small cluster of Alliance brass and gave a curt nod as he passed. He hadn't managed to discover the right combination of words in response to the inevitable variations of "how are you holding up" that everyone insisted on asking. Now was not the time to test his response, especially not with the men and women who were ultimately in control of his fate. He couldn't appear to be anything other than mourning the tragic loss of his crewmates.

"Is it the practice of your unit not to render a salute to a superior officer?"

Kaidan turned to face the vaguely familiar sneer. "Rear Admiral Mikhailovich."

"It's _Admiral_ Mikhailovich," the man corrected. "And you're Alenko, right? One of Shepard's crew? If discipline was as lacking on that piece of tin as everything else, it's no wonder you didn't salute."

"The Normandy saved your ass at the Citadel, _Admiral_." Kaidan spat the title out as if it tasted bad on his tongue, fingers curling into fists at his side. "Shepard's twice the officer you'll ever be and at a fraction of your rank."

The man's face turned red with rage. "How dare—"

"Admiral, Alenko," Anderson stepped between the two men. "Let's—"

"Don't, Anderson." Kaidan cut him off as he reared around to face the man he'd once called captain. "I don't need your help. _You_ gave up. _You_ quit on Shepard. Tell me; if it were you out there, where would she be?"

Anderson's jaw ticced with ire but his voice was steady, a testament to his willpower and one more thing Kaidan resented. "Shepard was a practical soldier. She knew when to fight and when to back down. As much as it hurts, sometimes we have to accept the inevitable."

"Anderson's right," Hackett spoke up.

Before he could stop himself, Kaidan's lip curled and a noise of pure disgust escaped his mouth. "You…you're the worst of them all. You constantly sent her on missions like she was the only operative you had. You never stopped to think about the stress she was under to stop Saren or the pressure she felt to do what you needed no matter how little sleep she got trying to do it. 'Disarm this bomb', 'stop that terrorist', 'go pick up my dry cleaning'. She was trying to save the galaxy and all you saw was an operative with enough leeway that you wouldn't have to file paperwork."

As Kaidan talked, Hackett's lips pressed tighter together until all the blood had drained from them. Admiral Mikhailovich looked on with glee, waiting for the ass-chewing Kaidan surely deserved. No doubt in shock at Kaidan's unprecedented meltdown, Anderson's eyes widened and his mouth dropped open in response.

"In light of the circumstances, I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that," Hackett finally offered as Kaidan paused to suck in a breath between his accusations. Before any further grievances could be aired, the admiral disappeared past the crowd of mourners.

Without waiting for dismissal from either Anderson or Mikhailovich, Kaidan marched away, again without a salute. He walked without direction, needing to put some distance between them before he ended up in the brig, or worse. But when he arrived at the front of the room, he froze.

Twenty-two coffins—all of them empty—were each draped with the Alliance flag. He swallowed, trying to halt the burning rush of acid as the meager breakfast he'd forced himself to eat threatened to make a reappearance. He couldn't move, couldn't breath, and not even his anger could save him now.

"Alenko."

Joker's voice looped around Kaidan and pulled him out of the swirling vortex of grief he'd almost been lost to.

Rumpled dress blues covered the slim frame that slumped in an aisle seat. Without looking up from his lap, Joker motioned for Kaidan to take one of the vacant seats surrounding him. Kaidan hesitated.

He and Shepard had never discussed their feelings; not with each other and certainly not with anyone else. The two of them had made sure to keep their less-than-professional interactions a closely guarded secret. Even though she was…gone (he choked just thinking the words), he couldn't betray that secret. Getting through the ceremony would be hard enough on his own without having to worry if he was giving himself away.

Joker's head tilted up, locking on Kaidan's frozen posture. The bruised hollows beneath his eyes and the absence of his ever-present cap made Joker look ten years older. A shadow of hurt passed over his face, a direct contradiction to the noncommittal 'whatever' of his trademark shrug.

The two had barely spoken since the Yorkton had plucked the escape pods from the cold expanse of space. It became easier to allow the doctor visits and mandatory counseling and constant debriefs pile up as excuses to not get together rather than to sit side by side in misery and offer hollow words of 'it'll be okay' when they both knew it wouldn't.

Or so he had thought.

Maybe it wasn't about everything turning out okay. Maybe it was about having someone to sit with you in silence so you knew you weren't alone. They'd both lost everything that day. Shepard, and the Normandy, and the home they'd made aboard that ship…they weren't Kaidan's alone to lose. He didn't hold the monopoly on grief. In the time that had passed, Kaidan had never stopped to think about how Joker might be feeling and the pain it must have caused to wait in that escape pod for rescue, seeing Shepard spaced every time he closed his eyes.

For that, maybe he was the lucky one.

So he took the seat beside his friend and they sat in silence, waiting for the goodbye neither of them wanted to say.

"It's bullshit," Joker finally scoffed as Hackett took the stage.

"What is?"

"All of it. Calling off the search, throwing this farce of a memorial. Ignoring everything we _all_ told them." His voice dropped to a near whisper to disguise the tremble it carried. "Not having the decency to let the public mourn her."

The survivors of the Normandy had all protested when they'd heard Shepard wouldn't get the funeral she deserved because the politicians were too scared of spooking the public. Udina had explained it to them slowly, as though they were too dumb to understand without him spelling it out. "There'll be galactic panic if people find out the geth killed their hero. An MIA commander is better than a dead one."

"Yeah," Kaidan answered, trying to forget the struggle it had been not to punch Udina in his smug face. Galactic panic or not, flags should be flown at half mast everywhere in honor of the woman who'd saved the galaxy, and both of them knew it.

"They grounded me. Told me I'm not fit to fly until my bones have healed. I'm fine."

Kaidan stayed silent for a moment, then turned his head to look at his friend a little closer. "Are you?"

"Well, the arm's still broken but it's not like I need the whole thing to fly; my fingers still work." It didn't answer the question, but before Kaidan could rephrase, the lights dimmed, signaling the start of the ceremony.

Low, somber music filled the room as the last of the guests found their seats. Kaidan pinched the bridge of his nose, willing the pressure that built up behind his eyes to wait until he'd locked himself back behind the privacy of his barracks room door.

Kaidan tuned out what he could. He didn't need to hear anyone tell him about the bravery of the Normandy crew. Of how they'd beat the odds and never wavered, even when it'd meant facing charges of treason or death. Of how they'd stuck together, even after the battle was won.

One by one, the flags draped over each coffin were folded and presented to the families of those who'd died over Alchera. Kaidan kept his eyes forward, focused on a spot behind Hackett's right ear as, one by one, the families came forward to claim the last remaining piece of the person they loved. Kaidan didn't want to see Pressly's wife and three daughters, huddled into a ball, their shoulders shaking with their tears. He didn't want to look at the white knuckles of Helen Lowe's fiance or the rounded stomach of Crosby's heavily pregnant wife. Most of all, he didn't want to witness the open grief they took for granted while his own illicit anguish corroded the deepest depths of his soul.

At the final remaining coffin, all went still. No one stood. No one stepped forward. The only movement in the large room was the reverence of the honor guard as they folded the flag into its perfect, final shape. Kaidan's hands curled into fists at his sides, his fingernails digging little crescent moons into the flesh of his palms. The muscles in his legs tightened as he fought the urge to push himself to his feet.

A dry rasp punctuated the silence. Then another. And a third. Kaidan twisted in his chair and watched as, one by one, the surviving members of the Normandy stood. Dr. Chakwas, Adams, and another engineer whose name Kaidan couldn't remember. Another scrape of a chair as Private Fredericks joined them. Then Garrus and Tali, neither of whom Kaidan had known would be there today.

"Help me up," Joker hissed, tugging at Kaidan's shoulder with his good arm.

Once everyone was on their feet, Chakwas stepped forward, the rest trailing after her until they'd converged at the honor guard. The flag was presented to the doc, who turned her head down and closed her eyes for a brief moment before passing it to Adams. Down the line the flag went, passing through the hands of the family Shepard might not have been born into, but the one that had chosen her. Kaidan's hands trembled as it reached him and it took all he had to pass the flag to Joker rather than tuck it into his jacket and run from the room. When it reached the end of the line, the flag was presented to Admiral Hackett, Shepard's final commanding officer.

 _I should have kept it_ , Kaidan thought as he watched the grizzled admiral accept the symbol of Shepard's service and sacrifice. It belonged with someone who knew her; knew how much she loved food, someone who was familiar with the sound of her real laugh, someone she'd opened up to and sought out when she needed a shoulder to cry on. Not some ranking officer who'd signed her paychecks.

After they'd returned to their seats, Hackett said a final few words to conclude the memorial. No one stayed to mingle after. Everyone wanted to get as far away from this room as they could. Joker mumbled a quick 'see ya around' as he shuffled to the door. Before long, the room had all but emptied, leaving Kaidan standing alone. He couldn't make his feet move. Despite his reluctance to be here, now that it was over, he couldn't make himself leave.

"Kaidan."

An arm slipped around him from the right. Before he'd even turned to face her, Tali had wrapped herself into him and grasped him in a firmer hug. Another hand weighed upon on his shoulder and Kaidan looked up from the silken scarf atop Tali's helmet into Garrus's blue eyes.

"Nice of you to finally show up," Kaidan snapped at the turian.

Her hands slipped up to his shoulders as Tali pulled away from him without quite letting go. "You know that's not fair. Garrus couldn't have done anything different if he'd been there."

"I guess we'll never know." Kaidan shrugged to dislodge Tali's grip and crossed his arms across his chest. "He could have made the difference between being sent back here and actually finding Shepard before she suffocated alone out there."

An unhappy rumble sounded low in Garrus's chest, but he said nothing to defend himself. He even pulled Tali back by her elbow, the argument she'd had dying on her lips.

Shame filled Kaidan. Garrus had left at Shepard's behest. She'd known how much he wanted to make a difference and, with Saren defeated, C-Sec had been a good opportunity. If Shepard hadn't encouraged it, he'd have stayed in a heartbeat.

Kaidan scrubbed his hand over his jaw. "Sorry," he mumbled. "Is, uh…how's it going on the Citadel?"

"About what you'd expect," Garrus answered. "From what I've heard, your Alliance is taking their cues from the Council."

"What do you mean?"

"You remember the gala after the battle? Same thing. They're still calling those hunks of metal all over the damn place pieces of 'geth ships'."

" _Bosh_ _'tets_ ," Tali grumbled.

"Bastards even called off the search for their missing ships. Don't want to risk losing anyone else to the 'geth'. As if the geth could take down Shepard."

Kaidan sucked in a breath of disappointment and dropped his gaze to the floor as he tried to get control of his emotions. Later this week, he would receive his official reassignment. He'd hoped, foolishly it seemed, that he would be able to continue where Shepard had left off. Maybe if he couldn't find her, he could still get justice. With the search called off, it certainly wasn't going to happen now.

"They won't do _anything_ ," Garrus continued, voice rising with his anger. "If they don't prepare the galaxy for the Reapers, Shepard will have died for nothing."

Kaidan's head bobbed with a nod of agreement. "The Reapers aren't a rumor. We all saw it. It's a betrayal to Shepard to pretend otherwise."

"Maybe I can't force the Council to do something, but I won't just stand by." Garrus's eyes flashed with anger, words forced from between clenched teeth. The rage bubbled up again inside of Kaidan at the injustice Shepard, and by extension the galaxy, suffered at the hands of the passive Council.

Tali looked back and forth between the two of them before finally sighing. "Fine, you two can get yourselves killed _after_ we get some food. It's time I return to the flotilla, but before I go, there's this place I want to go first. I've heard they have chocolate nutrient paste; not even the Citadel has chocolate!"

Kaidan hesitated. He wasn't hungry and he certainly didn't feel up for friendly chit-chat. It was one thing to commiserate over their shared feelings about the Council but sitting and eating? There really wasn't much to chat about. Still, they were his friends and part of only a very small group that would understand if he had nothing at all to say. And who knew when he'd see them again?

"Yeah, okay," he finally offered. "Lead the way."

"Great!" Tali beamed. Or, rather, sounded like she beamed from behind her helmet.

Arcturus wasn't nearly as big as the Citadel, not even by half, so the three of them walked, mostly in silence.

He'd avoided thinking about the memorial in the days leading up to it. Had he, he might have assumed, given the Alliance's distaste for Shepard's non-human crew, that the aliens wouldn't be welcome. Garrus and Tali's presence said otherwise and the thought that crossed his mind at that realization blurted from his mouth before he could think it through.

"Where the hell is Liara? And Wrex?"

"No one's heard from Wrex since he went back to Tuchanka," Garrus said. "Not really surprising when you consider how isolationist it is out there."

"And Liara?" Kaidan asked again, when neither of the two said anything further. Out of all of them, it made the least sense for Liara not to attend given her feelings for Shepard, unrequited though they were.

"I spoke with her…"Tali faltered, as she tried to find words. "She said there was something she needed to do."

Tali shrank towards Garrus a bit when she glanced at Kaidan's face. He didn't care, even though the rational part of him knew that Tali was only the messenger. He hadn't lost control of his biotics again, not since the Yorkton, but he could feel them buzzing beneath his skin, aching to lash out at someone.

"What the hell?" His nostrils flared with his anger as he slowed to a stop in the hallway. "What could be more important? Seriously? It's not like Shepard took her in, protected her, _trusted her_ , and she just has somewhere else to be?"

"Don't judge her too harshly, Kaidan." Tali wrapped one arm around his back, pulling him into her small body in another warm embrace. "Everyone grieves differently. On the flotilla, our ancestors are thought to always be with us, even in death, so funeral rites are sacred. Maybe for asari, death is finite? Or maybe it was just too hard for her to say goodbye?"

 _Like it_ _'s not for me,_ Kaidan thought. But he couldn't say it, not out loud. He couldn't admit, even now, not even to some of his closest friends, that he and Shepard had broken _several_ rules. The Alliance wouldn't protect her legacy, but Kaidan would.

He dropped it. There was no point in arguing. They weren't the ones responsible for Liara's absence and, if he was truly honest with himself, had he been able to leave Arcturus, he probably would have been somewhere else today too. The three of them didn't speak again as they finished their trek to the restaurant.

Kaidan froze in front of the doorway, staring up at the sign and wondering how the universe could be so cruel.

 _Asterism_ shone in vibrant colors. The same restaurant he'd sat at with Shepard—surrounded by enough food for at least three people when he'd found her—and shared that heartfelt conversation a lifetime ago. Somehow, he'd subconsciously avoided this sector of the station since arriving back and seeing it now hit him in the gut with more force than he'd thought possible.

His stomach churned and, instinctively, he knew he had no hope of keeping its content down. He just hoped he could make it somewhere private first.

Clapping his hand over his mouth, he turned and ran, leaving Garrus and Tali behind without so much as a word. The soles of his shiny dress shoes slapped against the stark white of the floor, mingling with the curses people shouted at him as they jumped to the side of the corridors to get out of his way. He wouldn't make it back to his barracks room in time, _couldn_ _'t_ , so he slammed through the door of the first public restroom he found.

After he'd emptied the contents of his stomach into the less than sanitary porcelain bowl, Kaidan sank to the floor, past caring about his blues. He leaned his back, slicked with sweat and sticky beneath the heavy fabric, against the stall door.

Would it always be this hard? The sight of familiar places or the recall of memories waiting to deliver that excruciating jolt of pain? If so, would any place in the galaxy be safe?


	32. Chapter 32

Shepard beckons to Kaidan and he dashes forward, weaving through the flaming debris that dots the Normandy. She tosses him a fire extinguisher and, while he keeps the flames at bay, she repairs the wiring in the control box. Her fingers dance over the panel, activating the distress beacon and signaling for the Alliance's help.

"Let's go!" she shouts over the klaxons.

Together, they head back to the bridge, making sure the pods on the lower deck have all launched. When the door at the top of the stairs opens, the curve of Alchera above the blown-out hull is both beautiful and terrifying. Her gloved hand finds his and they link their fingers as they clunk toward the cockpit.

Kaidan tries to convince Joker to leave, but the stubborn man refuses to abandon his ship. Shepard, sensing they are running out of time, hauls him over her shoulder despite his protests. Kaidan rushes ahead of them and climbs through the hatch of the last remaining escape pod. He's waiting when she passes Joker through and Kaidan lowers him into one of the seats.

The ship shudders under a second attack and Shepard's hand is wrenched from the hatch frame. Kaidan lunges for her, his fingers closing around her wrist before she spirals into space. Beyond, the bridge dissolves in the slice of a golden beam. As soon as Shepard is past the hatch, Kaidan slams his fist against the eject button and the closing panel obscures the continuing onslaught. As he holds Shepard tight to his body, the pod rockets away from the dying ship toward safety.

* * *

Kaidan jolted awake, his heart thudding erratically against his chest.

Seven months later and it was still the same dream. Sure, sometimes little details were different; sometimes they put the fires out together and then headed to the bridge to rescue Joker. Sometimes he went on ahead while she stayed below, sometimes it was the other way around. No matter the variations, the result was always the same. When the other ship came back around for another attack, Kaidan was there to rescue Shepard.

If he'd been there, he could have saved her.

His room was still dark, dawn not yet leaking through the curtains. A touch of a button brought up the screen of his 'tool and, through squinted eyes, the clock told him it wasn't much past three. He had hours before he needed to be up, especially if he had any hope of combating the jet lag.

Kaidan burrowed under the covers, hoping to retreat back into the life that could have been. It wasn't healthy—he _knew_ it wasn't healthy—but some days it was easier to live in the reality his brain had conjured up instead of the one the universe had thrust upon him.

Sleep wouldn't come, no matter how much he willed it. _C_ _'mon. Just let me see her again. Let me hold her a little longer._

Frustration finally won and he threw back the covers, running fingers through his tousled curls. Toiletry bag and a change of clothing in hand, he padded through the quiet house to the bathroom. Once the room had filled with steam, Kaidan stood motionless beneath the scalding water. It'd been too long since he'd had a shower beyond ten minutes. By the time he turned off the tap, the skin of his hands and feet had wrinkled into pale prunes.

Faint noises reached his ears as he tossed his belongings back into his childhood bedroom; one, or perhaps both, of his parents were up.

"Hey, Kaidan!"

His mother beamed up from the skillet where bacon sizzled and french toast browned, her eyebrows knitting into a look of concern at the sight of him frozen halfway down the stairs.

Coffee—real coffee, the kind Raina would have outright begged for—brewed in the pot, the smell reaching Kaidan and twisting his insides into tight knots. He plastered a smile to his face and forced himself down the last few steps.

"Morning, mom." He paused, bending to drop a kiss to her cheek before reaching into the cabinet for a mug. "Smells good!"

"How'd you sleep?" she asked, flipping the bacon while pushing the plate of already-cooked pieces towards him, not so subtly.

"Like a rock." A lie. But it sounded better than the truth.

He slid onto one of the stools at the counter and warmed his hands with the steaming mug of coffee. Dark and bitter, just the way Raina would have liked it. He likely wouldn't be using his biotics while on leave, so, hopefully, the caffeine wouldn't lead to a migraine later.

As if thinking the same thing, his mother frowned as he took another sip. "You drink coffee now?"

"Sometimes," he shrugged.

"Are you sure that's wise?"

"He's a grown man, Jia," Danyil Alenko grinned as he joined them in the kitchen. He wrapped his arms around his wife's shoulders and winked at Kaidan. "Let the boy drink coffee if he wants. So, K, you ready for your next assignment?"

That was a question Kaidan didn't have to think about. "Absolutely."

It wasn't that he hated his job; in fact, if it had been anywhere other than Arcturus, he might have even liked it. But Arcturus was filled with eyes and ears, all of which seemed to follow Kaidan wherever he went. Under such constant scrutiny, he'd felt vulnerable and always kept his guard up. The isolation from the other survivors of the Normandy hadn't helped.

Dr. Chakwas had been sent to Mars Naval Medical Center, something she hadn't been thrilled about but had accepted with her usual grace. Adams had been reassigned to a cruiser and Fredericks had been discharged. Joker had probably gotten the worst deal of the bunch when, still grounded, he'd been sent to flight school and tasked with running simulations for other pilots.

Jia slid the last of the french toast to a serving platter and carried it to the table. "At least Arcturus is safe. You're sure there's not more work for you there?" Her tone was light, but Kaidan knew she worried, especially after the Normandy.

"I'll be fine, mom. Promise."

After breakfast, they packed the truck and headed inland for the orchard. Blossoms covered the trees and the smell of wet soil greeted them as they pulled down the muddy drive. It'd been over a year since the last time he'd been back to Vancouver and longer since the family had taken the trip away from the city yet, somehow, this place always felt most like home.

They spent the next week busy; the old farmhouse was dusty with neglect and needed a little love to sparkle once again. The crisp fragrance of lemon furniture polish soon lingered on the gleaming heirloom pieces that had once belonged to his great-great-grandparents.

On the few sunny days, Kaidan and his dad mended whatever sagging fence rails they found as they rode around the property in the classic pickup that lived in their barn. Danyil didn't pry as they worked, letting Kaidan set the pace of the conversation. Sometimes that meant an hour passed in comfortable silence, but neither of them minded. His mom was the chatty one in the family, always making friends no matter the place, while the men were content to let her take the lead.

So at the end of the week, it wasn't a surprise to find out his mother had organized a dinner and invited over the families of the neighboring farms.

The playoffs were on in the den and guests milled around, chatting and laughing. Kaidan sat on one arm of the couch, beer in hand, half watching the game as he watched the room. More the silent observer type when around people he didn't know, he listened as the year-round farmers talked about crop yields and the latest equipment and whether they'd _really_ have another cold snap later in the month as predicted.

"Worst storm we've had in years!" Nathan continued. He was their closest neighbor and planted in one of the Alenko fields in exchange for tending to their orchards. "You must've seen the branches when you got here. I _still_ haven't gotten around to all the property yet. I thought the trees were done for!"

Danyil patted the other man on the back. "Not to worry, Nate. Kaidan's not a bad farmhand himself so we got it fixed up pretty quick."

"Not bad for a marine, eh?" Nathan chuckled and turned to Kaidan. "I'm sure none of this is nearly as exciting as serving on the Normandy."

"It certainly has its perks though," Kaidan said with a forced smile, steering the conversation back to more pleasant subjects. "Mom's made sure to keep me fed; better than ship food could ever be."

"Flatterer!" Jia laughed.

Alice Mccall crossed her arms over her chest. "I doubt ship food was the most severe problem on the Normandy and it looks like the Alliance finally agrees.

"What do you mean?"

"They've pulled all the recruitment photos with Shepard's face. Seems they've decided that stopping the geth doesn't absolve her of her blatant disobedience and disregard for authority. Our children need better role models." Alice turned to Kaidan, as if just remembering he was there. "Not that we blame you, dear. When your commanding officer gives an order, sometimes you have no choice but to follow. I'm sure serving under her couldn't have been easy."

"You're right. When I was under her, it was definitely hard." The words tumbled out before Kaidan could bite his tongue. "Excuse me."

Cold air swirled around him as Kaidan shoved open the screen door. It clacked and bounced against the door frame as he stomped across the wooden boards of the back porch. Goosebumps rose on his arms, the rolled-up sleeves of his flannel not quite warm enough to ward off the chill. It felt good, soothing the rage he felt toward the woman who obviously knew _nothing_ about Shepard.

Resting his elbows on the railing, Kaidan dropped his head into his hands. The sun was low on the horizon, orange streaks staining the deep twilight that covered the sky. Stars winked into sight above and, without the usual light from the city, were picture perfect. It was funny; the stars had been home to him for so many years yet still nothing beat the sight of them like this.

A creak of the door announced that someone else had stepped onto the porch. Kaidan didn't look up, hoping whoever it was would leave him be.

"Caleb, right?"

He tilted his head up to look at the new arrival. A slender woman with skin bronzed by the sun and crystalline blue eyes leaned against one of the columns bracketing the stairs down to the yard.

"Kaidan, but close enough."

"Not quite," she said with a smile, "but I'm sure I won't forget again, not now that I've properly met you. Here."

She reached out, passing him a beer. Kaidan gave her a thankful smile before taking a swig. Setting it next to him, he leaned into his palms and continued his vigil over the stars. From the corner of his eye, he could see the woman's chest rise with a silent sigh. She cocked one hip on the railing and rested her weight on it.

"Sorry about my mom. She's got a bad habit of speaking before thinking."

"They send you out here to check on me?" He turned and leaned back, butt propped on the railing and ankles crossed in front of him. Casual, even if he felt anything but.

She shared another smile with him, genuine and almost shy. "No. I…" she hesitated. "Well, I just wanted to tell you that not everyone agrees with her; a lot of people think Commander Shepard was a hero." She paused again, a small smile touching the corners of her lips, her eyebrows curving as she looked at him with sympathy, or maybe pity. "I'm not sure if that makes you feel any better or not."

"Not really," Kaidan snorted. "I don't need anyone else to tell me what an amazing wo…commander she was."

"Sorry! Of course you don't. You knew her better than anyone."

"It's okay." And it was, somewhat. This girl hadn't meant to be cruel.

The two of them made idle chit-chat. He asked her questions about her life and listened as she described living on a farm year round and of her desire to go into veterinary medicine. He learned more about her life in twenty minutes than he had about Raina in the five months they'd worked together.

How long would it have taken for Raina to open up about the same kinds of things? Had she imagined a life outside of the Alliance? Of settling down, probably somewhere other than Earth since she'd at least alluded to the fact that she held little love for the planet of her origin. Had she been a dog or a cat person? After stopping Saren, Kaidan had thought they had all the time in the world to get to know each other. He wanted to go back, would trade in every minute of sleep he'd gotten in exchange for answers to his burning questions, like what her favorite color had been.

He realized the girl had fallen to silence, waiting for some kind of response. "Thanks for the chat…I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name."

She grinned at him, pleased that he'd warmed a little to her presence. "Oh sorry! I guess we haven't properly met at all!" She offered her hand. "I'm Lana."

"Of course you are," he muttered. Only the universe could be so cruel. Lana, Rahna, Raina.

Lana cocked her head at him, confusion written all over her face. "What was that?"

"Oh, uh…" Kaidan coughed. "I meant…of course you're Lana. I believe my mom's mentioned you a couple times." Not true, but not implausible either given Jia's personality.

"Oh!" She beamed, all smiles again. "I'm not sure how much longer you'll be here, but if you want, I'd love to do something before your family heads back to Vancouver. Maybe get lunch?"

"I'll have to take a rain check, Lana, sorry. We're leaving in the morning."

Kaidan knew he wouldn't be in touch. Lana was sweet and kind, and simple in the girl next door way. A wholesome, friendly girl who had a wholesome, idyllic life ahead of her.

And of absolutely no interest to him.

Once back in Vancouver, Jia's cooking became more extravagant as each of the few remaining days of Kaidan's leave ticked off the calendar. He'd rarely made it away from the table without being guilted into a second, sometimes third, serving. After the four course meal they'd just had, Kaidan was almost ready for his pre-dawn flight off Earth tomorrow. If his leave lasted any longer, his body would never forgive him. Already his metabolism had become sluggish, what with the increased meals and the lack of both physical and biotic exertion.

His parents cleaned up the plates after dinner, insisting that Kaidan relax. A local news channel babbled quietly in the background while Kaidan flipped through a new Alliance Weekly publication. One of the articles discussed upcoming changes to both omnitool and weapons systems, including the much-debated pros and cons of the new thermal clip system they'd be rolling out before the end of the year. The Alliance officials in charge of the migration insisted that the clips would be more beneficial since soldiers would be able to pop in a new clip, rather than wait for the weapons to cool. Kaidan wondered how long it had been since any of them had seen action; thermal clips meant one more thing every soldier would have to carry. Wouldn't do anyone much good to be able to avoid the cooldown if they ran out of clips.

"…Commander Shepard's birthday." Kaidan snapped his attention to the news. Shepard's service picture filled the screen as the broadcaster spoke off camera. "Missing since her ship was fatally attacked last August, no one has seen or heard from the commander since. Is she dead? Perhaps she used the attack as a cover to escape a life of rules and regulations. No one can be certain and the Alliance declined to comment when we reached out to them. The infamous Commander—a reformed gang member from Earth turned Alliance hero—would have been thirty today."

He hadn't known.

The Normandy tour had started at the beginning of March. She'd had a birthday aboard the ship and never mentioned it to anyone. Kaidan tried to do the math in his head, tried to figure out where they had been. Rescuing Liara? Edolus maybe? He couldn't remember. Why couldn't he remember?

Grabbing the bottle of scotch and a tumbler from the liquor cabinet, Kaidan let himself out on to the balcony. The first glass burned going down. It was supposed to make you feel warm inside, warm and a little tingly, but he'd need a few more glasses for that. _Not a problem._

He was in the middle of the third when the sliding door opened behind him. His father took the other seat at the small table. Danyil reached over, tugging at the bottle Kaidan clutched in one hand, even though his glass was in the other. Another tug and Kaidan finally loosened his hold. Instead of taking it inside, like Kaidan expected, Danyil poured an inch of the amber liquid into a glass of his own.

"A toast," his father finally said. "To Commander Shepard."

Kaidan raised his glass without taking his eyes from the English Bay that he'd once wished to show _her_.

"You loved her," Danyil said, simply.

Kaidan knew his knuckles were white around the glass, could feel it in the ache of his hand. It was the only outward sign of the turmoil within. "She was a great CO. The best I ever served with," he answered, his voice flat. If only his heart felt as unaffected.

From the corner of his eye, Kaidan saw his father shake his head. "Not as a colleague, Kaidan. You loved her, really loved her." There was no judgment in his voice, only sorrow for Kaidan's loss. It hurt more than the disappointment Kaidan had expected from the retired captain.

He'd never said the words out loud. Barely even thought them. It seemed so silly. Would it matter now if he admitted it, put voice to his feelings? Would it make him feel better? Or worse? If he'd told her, could he have changed her fate?

In the end, he decided it didn't matter.

There would never be the chance for him to tell her, never the opportunity to share the depths of his feelings with Shepard. There was no going back. He had no do-overs or second chances to get it right. He couldn't bring her back, wishes and feelings and dreams couldn't change the plan the galaxy'd had for him, or her. She was gone.

"Yes," he finally admitted. "I loved her."


	33. Chapter 33

"Alenko! My office. Now!"

Kaidan groaned and tossed his pistol on the weapons bench. The door slid open when he reached it, admitting him entrance to an office that was barely large enough to be called a closet. Captain Dyer sat on the edge of his desk, rather than behind it and, when the door hissed closed behind Kaidan, the already small space felt downright claustrophobic.

As soon as the door closed behind him, the captain let loose.

"What the hell, Alenko? How many sims do we have to go through before you finally get it in your head that your job is to provide support?"

"Sir, I—"

"I don't get it," Dyer cut him off. "You're a sentinel, not a vanguard. You've got over a dozen commendations and that's _before_ everything that happened with the geth, so I know you're a damn good marine. Are you trying to get yourself killed?"

Kaidan didn't bother with a response.

The captain shook his head. "Keep it up, Alenko, and I'll send you back to Arcturus for desk duty. I don't need a martyr on this team. I need someone who can follow orders. Dismissed."

Once back in his room, Kaidan snatched the bottle hidden under his mattress and took a greedy gulp. Whiskey burned down his throat. Thirst momentarily sated, Kaidan began to methodically strip his armor plates and set them aside for cleaning. He peeled his undersuit from his shoulders, letting it hang from his waist as he reached again for the alcohol.

His transition back to combat duty had been more difficult than anticipated. On Arcturus, everyone had been cautious around him, afraid to say the wrong thing or trigger a biotic meltdown from the L2 with PTSD, so he'd been left mostly to himself. At the time, he'd found it lonely and exhausting to always keep his guard up, but now he longed for the silence.

These days, anytime he joined his fellow marines after training or during chow, they peppered him with questions. They all wanted to know what the Normandy had been like, or wanted him to recount fights with the geth and the confrontations with Saren. And, of course, the question they asked most of all…What had Shepard been like?

It'd been too much, his wounds too raw after spending eight months living in the what-ifs only to realize the could-have-beens would never be. So he'd numbed the pain with alcohol. It'd been too easy to reach for a bottle to get him through the night.

In the process, he discovered feeling nothing was far preferable to feeling anything at all. Of course, feeling nothing often required a good deal of alcohol. He'd stopped buying the good brands of whiskey weeks ago, swapping out the taste he'd once enjoyed for a cheap efficiency. The world was better when it was fuzzy—easier to handle when the harsh edges had been softened—and, because of his biotics, it wasn't cost-effective to get to that point with the good stuff.

Logically he knew what he was doing was destructive. He just didn't care.

Which is how he found himself, five months later, waking up on the bad end of a hangover to the sound of gunfire.

"Commander!" Corporal Kyle Pedley pushed through the flaps of the tent and paused, bending at the waist to catch his breath.

"What's going on, Corporal? Us, or hostiles?"

"Both, sir!"

Kaidan shoved himself to his feet, ignoring the wave of nausea that surged through him at the sudden change of position, and started pulling on his gear. "Spit it out, Pedley!"

"Yes, sir! Cascella spotted batarians in his scope, but they'd already made us. Him and Haines are keeping them distracted so I could get back here to warn the rest of the squad. Sir!"

Each word of Pedley's report, laced with fear and panic, drove another spike of pain through Kaidan's temples. When the corporal paused, Kaidan closed his eyes in a silent prayer of thanks before drawing a deep breath and turning back to face the young man. Pedley stared, watching Kaidan with wide eyes, the knuckles of his clenched fists completely white. The 52nd Frontier Division was his first assignment, straight out of basic. Though they'd run practice simulations, this was the kid's first encounter with real combat.

"We'll be fine, Corporal. We've trained for this."

Pedley swallowed hard and nodded, short on words now that he'd passed the report along.

Kaidan ducked through the tent flaps and out into the fray. Sunlight stained the edges of the horizon, but the three moons of Phaethousa were still visible, embedded among the stars. The rest of the squad scurried around their makeshift camp, grabbing weapons and donning armor in the dim light. In the distance, shots were still being traded between the two factions.

"Varcoe, report!"

The soldier jogged to Kaidan's side, assault rifle cradled in his arms. "Unable to reach Dyer, sir. We think the batarians are using some sort of jammer."

"Malone?" Kaidan shouted, not seeing their engineer among them.

"Working on it, sir!" Her sandy brown hair popped up from behind one of their stacks of gear crates. "No luck yet."

Expecting no trouble in their routine patrols, the 52nd had split up to cover more ground. With just Kaidan's squad in the nearby vicinity, there weren't a lot of options.

"Okay," Kaidan finally said. "Here's the plan…" Outlining his strategy, he waited for the protest he knew was coming.

"Sir, is that wise?" Sure enough, Lieutenant Reinhardt spoke up. The soldier, one of Dyer's yes-men, had been transferred from a different squad prior to their assignment. Though Kaidan was the squad leader, he got the distinct feeling Reinhardt was there to keep an eye on him. "You know how Dyer feels—"

"Dyer's not here," Kaidan snapped. "What would you rather do: try my way, or sit around and wait to be picked off, hoping that Malone can get the comms working before we're all dead?"

"Hey!" Malone protested.

An explosion in the distance cut off any other arguments and the small team burst into action to set Kaidan's plan in motion. Despite Reinhardt's initial objection, she too grabbed her gear and followed orders without further complaint.

Ellis and Pedley stayed behind with Malone to provide cover while she worked on bypassing the jamming frequency. The rest of the squad fought their way to Cascella and Haines. The four sentinels, Kaidan included, harried the batarians with tech and biotics along the way. Keeping their barriers up, they'd move in on the hostiles and hit them with subsequent attacks, one after the other. After having their weapons overheated and being lifted off the ground, the batarians were easy pickings for the Alliance soldiers in the rear of the party.

Still, the batarians had superior numbers. Somewhere in the distance, they had at least one sniper of their own and a couple of rocket troopers. Large expanses of the terrain were barren with little cover and the sun had come out in full force, making it hard to see into the distance. Sweat trickled down Kaidan's neck and clung to the small of his back. The throbbing from his hangover competed with minor bouts of dizziness that signaled the onset of a migraine. Still he kept on.

"Watch out!"

Kaidan jerked his head around and followed Varcoe's pointing finger. A rocket sliced through the sky straight towards their group. Everyone dove for cover but Kaidan's most junior sentinel, Hadsell, froze. Gritting his teeth, Kaidan put the full force of his biotics in the twist of his wrist, lifting Hadsell out of range. The rocket pummeled into the dirt, throwing Kaidan back from the impact. His body slammed into the ground, driving all the air from his lungs as his head cracked into a rock.

"Commander!" Sergeant Singh rushed to Kaidan's side. "Are you alright, sir?"

Kaidan rolled to his knees, coughing up bile and trying to see around the spots dancing in his eyes. "I'm fine," he wheezed out in response. "We need…to keep moving."

They kept up the cat and mouse game, even as the sun began to sink behind the rocky outcroppings in the distance. As the first stars twinkled into view overhead, the cavalry arrived. It seemed Malone had finally gotten communications up and called for reinforcements. Flanked as they were, the batarians stood no chance.

Back at the main colony, Captain Dyer stopped by to check in on each of the squad. Kaidan pushed himself up when Dyer paused at the foot of his cot in the small clinic.

"Good work, Alenko," he offered. "Your unconventional tactics kept your squad alive."

"Thank you, sir."

"Get your rest. The ambassador wants us to brief the Council, try to get some galactic support against the batarians. We head out in the morning."

After arriving at the station, Captain Dyer and Kaidan checked their weapons in at the Alliance armory; one of the newest security protocols of the station proclaimed weapons had been restricted to all but station authorities. Inside, however, it was as almost as if the attack had never happened; the Presidium gleamed again, nearly all traces of Sovereign's attack wiped away.

Dyer delivered their report via vid conference with the Council, letting Kaidan fill in the blanks as necessary. When they'd finished, Udina pleaded for Council reinforcements to strike against the Batarian Hegemony, arguing that it would only be a matter of time before they attempted to wipe out an entire planet again.

"You know that we can't get involved every time humanity has a misunderstanding with another race, Ambassador." Tevos shook her head.

"Misunderstanding?" Udina sputtered. "Anderson, say something!"

Anderson sighed. "As much as I hate to agree, Tevos is right. The batarians aren't our main concern right now."

The holo faded to black and Udina dismissed them, letting them know he would contact them once the fleet admirals decided how to proceed without the Council's assistance. Kaidan hurried out of the ambassador's chambers and was on his way back to his room when a familiar voice called his name.

"Adams?" Kaidan paused in the corridor, turning toward the Normandy's old engineer. "What are you doing here? I thought you were out on another cruiser?"

He clapped a hand to Kaidan's shoulder. "Good to see you, Kaidan. And I am. We're here to resupply before heading back out into the Traverse. I'd offer to buy you a drink so we could catch up, but I'm on my way back to the ship now."

Kaidan smiled again, hoping his relief didn't show on his face. "I appreciate the thought." That part was true, at least.

"Shepard would be proud." Adams took Kaidan's stunned silence as confusion. "My sister's stationed aboard one of the ships in the 3rd Fleet; different one from you, of course. Word's already out about how you saved your entire squad from an ambush and held back the batarians until reinforcements arrived. Anyway, I gotta get to docking. Good luck out there, Commander."

When Adams disappeared around the corner, Kaidan spun around and headed deeper into the wards. A bar suddenly sounded much more appealing than his temporary assigned quarters.

Ahead, a crowd gathered around a small kiosk, taking up much of the wide corridor. As he tried to squeeze along the back wall, he could hear potential customers calling over each other trying to place orders or find out how many credits they'd need. One could even be heard asking if there was a 'mature' setting. Kaidan rolled his eyes. You could buy just about anything on the Citadel apparently.

He'd made it to the far side of the crowd when Shepard's voice hit him like a krogan battlemaster's charge.

"I find the best advanced battlefield strategy is to have more bullets than the other guy."

How? Why? More importantly, why had no one told him? He surged into the crowd, needing to see her. People snarled as he pushed them aside. When he made it to the front, Shepard stood before him, no hint of recognition in the flickering orange of her face.

A turian beside him poked him in the shoulder. "Hey buddy! You want a VI? Get to the back of the line!"

Turns out, feeling nothing at all was just an illusion.

All the things he hadn't felt for the past year rushed forward from the crevices he'd buried them in: loss, regret, guilt, shame. The illusion of safety he'd built by spending months not dealing with his pain shattered, making them infinitely harder to face now, especially in the shadow of his crumbled hope.

And over all of those emotions sat a thick layer of rage.

These people wanted to buy Shepard. Own a piece of her. Stick her in their omni-tools and…what, read them their mail? He seethed at the thought of it. That they thought they were somehow entitled to her, these people who knew nothing of her, some of them even mocking her for her warnings—delusions, they called them—about the reapers.

Kaidan jerked his arm away from the turian and let his biotics ripple across his skin. A small man, barely more than a child, stood at the VI's side, the box at his feet containing a full supply of OSDs. With a flick of his wrist, Kaidan tossed the box into the wall, scattering OSDs across the floor.

"Hey!"

Glaring at the man, Kaidan stepped forward, crushing an OSD beneath the heel of his military-issue boots.

"What the hell, man?"

"I delete data like you on the way to real errors." The VI shimmered and leaned back, crossing its arms over its holographic chest. Kaidan froze, watching. It may not be real, but whoever'd programmed it had gotten the movement right. Torn as he was between loathing and longing, Kaidan didn't notice the fist until it collided with his jaw. Caught off guard, he stumbled and knocked into the turian who'd poked him earlier. The turian stumbled back himself and retaliated by shoving Kaidan into another person, setting off a chain reaction of flaring tempers set to the soundtrack of rising anger.

"Alright, break it up, break it up!" A C-Sec officer pushed his way through the crowd, quelling the brewing brawl. The officer's craggy face came into focus as he stopped in front of Kaidan, his forehead creased with worry. "You alright?"

"Him?" The salesman squeaked in outrage. Kneeling next to the tipped over box, the man swept his hand across the scattered, broken OSDs. "What about me, Bailey? Look what he did to my goods! You should arrest him!"

"Don't think I don't what you're selling, Mouse." The officer—Bailey apparently, twisted to look down at the young man. "Unless you want me to take a closer look, for evidence of course, I suggest you clear out."

Mouth dropping open in protest, Mouse looked back and forth between Bailey and the mess on the floor before he hurriedly scooped everything back into the box and took off in the other direction, muttering under his breath as he went.

"You okay, son?" Bailey asked, turning back to Kaidan.

Chest still heaving with anger, the taste of bile hovering persistently in the back of his throat, Kaidan could only nod. A lie, but what was he expected to say? 'Sorry officer, I loved that woman and it was a cruel trick hearing her voice when I know she's dead and on top of that, he's exploiting her image and profiting from her death.'

Unconvinced, Bailey clapped his hand on Kaidan's shoulder. Kaidan allowed himself to be maneuvered through the hallway, unsure whether resisting an officer would land him a jail cell. The man had been surprisingly accommodating so far; no need to push his generosity. Rather than heading back toward Zakera Ward's C-Sec offices, Bailey steered them in the other direction in silence, only slowing long enough for a bouncer to wave them into Dark Star.

Music thumped along the walls, the bass so deep and loud that Kaidan felt the erratic heartbeat of it within his own chest. Aliens and humans alike writhed on the dance floor and more than one patron sat slumped at the counter. Bailey didn't stop moving until they'd reached the bar. The bartender nodded in their direction and, a few seconds later, slid two tumblers their way, both filled with honey colored booze.

Kaidan eyed the glass and, with a frown, turned toward Bailey. The older man shrugged.

"You looked like you could use a drink."

No argument there. Kaidan wrapped one hand around the cool glass, staring down into it before raising it to his lips and swallowing the contents in a single gulp. The burn going down was even closer to medicinal alcohol than the cheap swill he stashed away in his room, but Kaidan swallowed his disgusted cough lest he appear ungrateful.

"I'm not gonna ask you to talk about," Bailey finally said. "Figure you've got friends for that. And if you don't wanna talk to them, that's your business. But you can't pick a fight with somebody, even if that somebody ain't got much decency."

Noticing Kaidan's flicker of surprise, Bailey continued. "I know who Shepard is. Who don't? And I know you too. I was one of them that helped get you outta that rubble after the attack last year, not that I expect you to remember. It was quite the day."

"I, uh…thank you?"

"Mouse ain't a bad kid, but he works for some shifty people. Sure, I coulda arrested him for the illegal VI tech, but he's just the middleman and then I woulda had to arrest you too. Figured that'd be a hassle for everybody. So, do me a favor and consider this a warning, alright?"

Kaidan nodded with a heavy sigh, not bothering to argue.

"Thanks." Bailey settled the tab and stood. "Hope I won't be seeing you around," he called out over his shoulder before melting into the crowd.

Seeing no reason to head back to his room yet, Kaidan decided another drink wouldn't hurt (though he'd make sure to get something at least one step up from whatever Bailey had ordered). He opened a tab and let the throbbing music wash over him. Loud as it was, thinking was nearly impossible which suited Kaidan just fine.

"Hey buddy," the bartender said, pausing as Kaidan signaled for his… _how many was it now_ _…_ drink, "you sure you can handle more?"

He resisted the urge to roll his eyes. "I'm good."

The asari shrugged and finished drying out a tumbler before splashing another inch into Kaidan's glass.

"Rough day too?"

A new voice spoke up, nearly shouting to be heard over the music. It belonged to a man sitting a few chairs to Kaidan's right who smiled when Kaidan met his gaze. Kaidan forced a tight-lipped smile, nodding in what he hoped was a polite, but discouraging manner, and turned back to his glass. Next thing he knew, the guy slid into the chair directly next to Kaidan, close enough that their thighs brushed together.

"Guess that's how it works sometimes," the man chuckled. "They can't all be good."

The man continued to ramble on and on, oblivious to Kaidan's disinterest. At least he didn't need or seem to expect any kind of reciprocity and was content to carry the conversation on his own. Kaidan managed to catch a couple things, like the man was an engineer or construction worker or something, helping to restore Tayseri Ward—a conversation that would have captivated Kaidan once upon a time—and there'd been a problem with materials or keepers, or maybe both?

"So, you had a bad day, I had a bad day. Maybe put together, they'll cancel each other out?"

Kaidan tilted his head, eyebrows puckering together as he swiveled his chair to face the chatty patron. The man watched him, his hopeful grin dimming into a frown when Kaidan didn't respond.

"I, uh, sorry," the man stammered. "Wow, this is awkward. I just thought…It's okay, you're obviously not that sort of guy."

Reaching out, Kaidan closed his fingers around the man's wrist as he stood to leave. He wasn't that sort of guy…or at least he hadn't been. But how had that worked out for him? And it wasn't like he had any part of his heart left to lose.

"Let's go back to my place."

Insistent pounding jolted Kaidan from his blissfully dreamless sleep. He groaned and pulled the scratchy coverlet over his head. Maybe if he ignored it, it would just go away.

"Alenko?" Anderson's voice called to him from the other side of the door.

The knocking stopped. Kaidan peeked out from under the covers in time to see the red light of his door lock switch to green. Anderson strode into the place as though he owned it, his face crinkling at the smell of alcohol-laced sweat and sex. He stopped in the middle of the room, dark eyes passing from the twisted sheets to the clothes strewn all over the floor. Luckily, Kaidan's guest hadn't overstayed his welcome.

Anderson's face hardened as Kaidan pushed himself up and reached for a glass on the end table, wincing at the astringent bite before swallowing the shallow, cloudy ounce that remained.

"Are you drunk?"

"Not anymore." Kaidan scooted to the edge of the bed, sheet bunched around his waist, and scrubbed a hand over his bristly jaw. "What do you want, Anderson?"

"Clean yourself up, get your shit together." Anderson shook his head. "Congratulations," he added dryly, tossing staff commander bars on the floor at Kaidan's feet before he stalked out of the room.


	34. Chapter 34

Standing at the back of a cramped room, Kaidan listened to Alliance officials bicker. The meeting had hit the two-hour mark already and yet they were no closer to a real plan of action regarding the vanished human colonies than when they'd started. Commanding officers from multiple divisions had been brought in, Kaidan included, to offer insight on the situation based on their own field experiences but so far, the Alliance brass was content to argue with each other and point fingers.

"Three human colonies have vanished since December alone! Six total!" One of the Alliance admirals pounded his fist onto the veneered tabletop. "How many more humans need to disappear into thin air before the Council will do something, Anderson?"

"I'm trying, Admiral Latham," Anderson said with a sigh. "But the Council maintains that this is an Alliance internal issue. Even if it wasn't," he continued, raising his voice to discourage Latham's protest, "the colonies are all part of the Terminus Systems. The Council refuses to invade the Terminus without solid evidence that there's a larger threat at stake. Have you found anything to convince us otherwise?"

The room turned its attention to the field commanders. None of them—not the ones patrolling intact Alliance colonies like Kaidan's command, nor the investigative squads who'd arrived on the scene after the missing colonies went radio silent—had a single thing to report.

At first, everyone had eagerly turned their accusations to the batarians, especially after the attack on Phaethousa's small mining colony last November. However, by all accounts, that attack had been an isolated incident. The Batarian Hegemony even released a public statement denying involvement and condemning the parties involved (neither meaningful nor much of a surprise though). As far as anyone could prove, there'd been no further batarian invasions on _any_ human colonies, much less a particular focus on ones in the Terminus.

Others blamed Cerberus for the attacks. Though they hadn't gained in popularity, the shadowy organization had picked up a fair dose of notoriety. The torture lab on Trident brought Cerberus's atrocities to the public eye. It only took a tiny leap to conclude that the terrorist group was abducting more people for their sick experiments. No one could prove it, of course, nor had they managed to come up with a plausible way of _how_. But after what he'd learned they were capable of two years ago, Kaidan wouldn't be surprised if it were true.

No one liked admitting it, but they had absolutely zero evidence at all, much less enough to identify the perpetrators.

"So without the Council's support, what do _you_ suggest?" Latham glared at Anderson.

Anderson steepled his fingers, brow furrowing as he considered the options. "We need to help protect them, but we can't station a garrison at every single human colony in the galaxy."

"We're looking for suggestions, Councilor, not statements of the obvious," Admiral Zhou scoffed.

Though the steely glare he shot across the table suggested otherwise, Anderson's response remained completely calm. "Get me a tally of how many GARDIANs we can spare."

"GARDIANs?" Zhou didn't bother hiding her criticism. "In the hands of untrained civilians? Are you daft?"

"Sir," Captain Mescall, who'd so far been silent, interjected. "Even if we have the GARDIANs to spare, some of these colonies won't accept them. They've settled in the Terminus for a reason and they've got no love for the Alliance."

Anderson nodded. "That may be so, and we can't force it. But I'd bet they're scared and might be willing to accept help they'd otherwise turn down. See what you can do."

Once the meeting had been adjourned, Kaidan slipped out of the room and hurried toward the wards. He and Anderson had little to say to each other these days, nor in the months following Kaidan's promotion.

The councilor made no secret of his disapproval regarding Kaidan's use of downtime. He'd first urged Kaidan to talk to someone and, when that didn't work, tried to convince him that his reckless choices could negatively impact his career. Devoid of any emotion, Kaidan had asked if there was a problem with his performance. Anderson had sighed, admitted that no, there wasn't, that Kaidan was in fact one of the best marines they had.

Later, Anderson had tried the guilt approach. "You know she would have wanted better for you." Neither needed to clarify which 'she' he meant. "Wouldn't want you looking for answers in the bottom of a whiskey bottle."

Kaidan barked a bitter laugh. "Guess I need some tequila then." He'd marched out the doors and not even the human councilor, one of the most influential men in the galaxy, had the power to make him stop.

Outside, he'd leaned against the wall, bracing himself for the onslaught of pain. When it didn't come, he poked at it, dragging out old memories; first of meeting her, fighting alongside her, loving her…losing her, all so he could take inventory of the invisible hole in his heart. But somewhere along the way, the hole had scarred over, leaving only a dull ache instead of the blinding, searing pain.

The realization had hurt almost as much.

So no, he and the councilor had no reason to speak these days beyond business.

Taking rapid transit to the far end of Shalta Ward—practically as far as he could get from Alliance docking without leaving the station—Kaidan wandered the corridors, unfamiliar with this section of the Citadel. He usually avoided visiting the same places twice. Lucky for him, someone could live here their whole life and not map the whole station.

Brain on autopilot, he wove through the people along the path, looking for something but not sure what. His hedonism had become habit and though he no longer needed it to mask his pain, he felt aimless without it.

The scent of spices floated down the corridor, making his mouth water, and Kaidan slowed, trying to sniff out the source. A noodle restaurant a few shops down seemed the likely culprit. A turian blocked the entrance, much to the loud objections of the krogan in front of him.

"You can't come in here!"

"I'd like to see you stop me." The krogran stepped forward, crowding the turian's space. "My credits are as good as anyone else's."

"Yeah, but nobody else destroys the place when the cook gets their order wrong. We lost a day's worth of business repairing the damage you caused last time, Lrok."

Lrok huffed. "That was…that was, I dunno, ages ago!"

"It was three days ago."

Kaidan coughed into his hand, trying not to laugh. His stomach gurgled, reminding him that he hadn't eaten since breakfast. The turian nodded and slid aside to permit Kaidan entrance, all while Lrok's complaints grew louder at the injustice.

"Oh, by the goddess. Just let him in already, Kaenus." The asari waitress who'd taken Kaidan's order leaned against the counter, rolling her eyes and waving Lrok in. "Behave yourself," she added as the hefty krogan squeezed into a small booth in the back.

In almost no time at all, the asari presented Kaidan with a steaming bowl of ramen. Though it was no steak sandwich, he dug into it like a man starving and wondered what they'd think of him if he ordered seconds. Before he could make up his mind, a thunderous roar filled the room, following by the crash of dishes and a sharp, stinging pain.

Kaidan dropped to a crouch, subconsciously summoning his barrier and reaching for the pistol he didn't have. Wreathed in the wispy tendrils of dark energy, a huge shape flew past him and skidded along the floor before slamming into a kiosk outside with a grunt.

"That was your last chance, Lrok!" The asari dusted her hands and glared at the krogan who pulled himself upright on shaky legs. "Now get out of here before I call C-Sec!" She turned back to the rest of the restaurant. "Everybody okay?"

Calming his racing heart, Kaidan surveyed the damage. Lrok's table was upended, the broken slivers of his dishes scattered over the floor. Noodles dripped down one of the walls. The whole place looked like a miniature disaster zone.

"Shit, you're not gonna sue, right?" The waitress paused as she passed, frowning at him. "I've heard humans are big on that."

Confused, Kaidan lifted his hand toward his hair and winced. A glance down revealed a sliver of glass embedded in his arm.

"Oh!" Hissing, he pulled the sliver from the wound. "I'll be fine," he assured her, still holding the shard in his hand, realizing that tossing it on a table where people ate would be rude at best and incredibly unsanitary.

The waitress's nose wrinkled, but she pulled a dishtowel from her belt and held it out to him. The glass landed with a soft thump, blood already staining the cloth. The asari twisted the ends of the towel around and around, wrapping the bundle as tight as she could manage without risking a cut of her own, then held it up with two delicate fingers like it might still infect her through the barrier.

"If you don't mind, I'd like to take a look?" A tall woman, nearly as tall as Kaidan, reached for his arm, hands stopping just short of touching him. "I'm a doctor, by the way. Should've probably mentioned that first?"

"I'm fine, really." Reaching in his pocket, Kaidan extracted a packet of medi-gel, though he didn't stop her as she bent to inspect the wound.

Eyes that reminded Kaidan of a thunderstorm at dusk—grey ringing a center of russet brown and gold— flicked up to meet his. "You have medi-gel?"

"Alliance." He shrugged, as if that answered everything.

She shook her head, a smile playing at the corners of her lips. "Well, soldier. I'd still like to have a closer look so I can make sure there's not any other debris in the wound. I promise it'll be quick. The clinic I work at is right around the corner."

"Alright. Let me just settle my bill."

"On the house, both of you," the waitress hastened to reassure them.

After thanking the asari for her generosity, Kaidan let himself be led further down Shalta Ward. The doctor hadn't lied; the clinic was close to the restaurant, maybe only a few hundred feet away. The place was small, but all eight chairs in the waiting room were filled.

"Dr. Carson, you're back!" A young woman, practically a girl, stood from her desk as the two of them entered. "I was just about to page you! We're slammed!"

"Hello everyone," Dr. Carson smiled at the small crowd of people. "Let me finish with this patient and I will be with whoever is next as soon as I can."

Kaidan took a step back. "I'm fine, really. I'm sure these people could use your help a lot more than some guy with a tiny scratch."

"You're already here," she smiled, nudging him through a door into a small exam room. "Besides, if any of those patients were severely injured, Rachel would have told me immediately. Now, let me see your arm."

While she snapped on some gloves, he shrugged out of his shirt, laying it neatly on the table behind him. The hum of the air cyclers cooled his bared skin and her gloved fingers weren't any warmer. He stared at the top of her dark hair, the end of her braid tickling his wrist as she leaned over him to get a closer look.

Finally, she rolled her stool back and smiled. "Looks good. As good as a cut can be anyway. Want me to slather on the medi-gel or do you want to do it?"

"I can handle it from here, thanks."

After he'd applied the gel, she handed him a strip of gauze. "Since I assume you'd rather not walk through the Citadel shirtless just to avoid fabric sticking to the medi-gel, I thought this would be a good alternative." She didn't interfere as he wrapped his bicep one-handed. "Looks like you've done this a lot, soldier."

"Once or twice." He smiled and pulled his shirt back on. "I appreciate it."

"It's what I do," she said, returning his smile. "Now that you're patched up, maybe you can buy me a drink as a thank you?"

"Don't you have patients?"

She laughed. "Not now. I should be done here no later than 8."

"I, uh." Kaidan swallowed. "Isn't dating patients a violation?"

"Unless you've got plans on making this a regular thing, I think we'll be okay."

"Okay then." The words left his lips, surprising him. "I, uh, I guess I'll see you at eight?"

At quarter to eight, Kaidan paced in the corridor outside the clinic. It'd been a long time—years—since he'd been on a legitimate date, before his assignment to the Normandy, even. He'd considered canceling, but realized that he'd never gotten Dr. Carson's number (or even her first name) and it seemed tacky to track her down and cancel on her business line. So he'd pressed out the wrinkles in a white button down and tried to ignore the knots in his stomach.

At exactly eight, he froze and forced a smile on his face as he waited for the clinic door to open. At ten after, he'd resumed pacing. A patient must be keeping her. Twenty minutes past the time she'd suggested, Kaidan realized she must have changed her mind and hadn't known how to contact him either.

"Hey soldier."

Kaidan spun around and Dr. Carson stood in front of the clinic, a smile on her face. Her braid was undone and her dark hair, the color of damp soil at the orchard, fell in gentle waves over her shoulders. She'd switched out the lab uniform for a loose, buttery-yellow dress that made her bronzed skin glow.

"Sorry to keep you waiting. I should have figured an Alliance soldier would be on time."

"It's okay." And it was. Thinking she'd stood him up had somehow smoothed his ruffled nerves, at least a little. "You, uh, you look really nice, Dr. Carson."

"Since we're going on a date, you should call me Ameenah. And I should call you something other than 'soldier'."

Offering both his arm and his name, the two of them set off through Shalta Ward, Kaidan letting her lead the way to the place she had in mind.

They settled in a corner booth of a bar Kaidan had never visited. The music kept a steady, upbeat tempo to encourage the patrons to dance without being too loud to talk over. And Ameenah was easy to talk to; full of charm and a wry sense of humor that she had little trouble turning inward.

At some point in the evening, Ameenah scooted closer, settling under the arm Kaidan had propped on the back of the booth, close enough that her bare shoulder grazed his side. She smelled of vanilla and a faint but sharp trace of antiseptic.

A waitress stopped at their table, rapping her knuckles against the wood. "Didn't you hear? Closing time. You two are gonna have to take it somewhere else."

Kaidan tilted his head, brows furrowing as a glance around the bar revealed only a few patrons left, most in process of gathering their belongings and heading toward the door. "What time is it?"

"Looks like it's just about three," Ameenah answered after a glance at her watch. "If you'd like to continue, we can head back to my place. I should have a bottle of wine tucked away for a rainy day."

"I…" Kaidan paused. Part of him felt eager to take her up on the offer. Beautiful, charming, intelligent…he'd be a fool not to want to continue their evening. But the other part hesitated to rush the first real connection he'd felt in a long time. "I should probably get back to my room. I've got a flight out in a few hours."

Ameenah nodded with a smile that didn't quite reach her eyes. "I understand. Thank you for the lovely evening, Kaidan."

"Next time I'm on the Citadel though, I'd like to see you again, dinner maybe, if that'd be alright?"

Her stormy eyes sparkled as the smile morphed into a dazzling grin. "I'd love that."

And he realized, after he'd walked her back to the clinic where they shared a soft kiss before she slipped inside the door, he'd like that too.


End file.
